5:44 pm - Fri, Jun 27, 2014
3,149 notes
I MEAN, YOU PROBABLY CAN’T IMAGINE IT BUT BACK THEN I ONLY WEIGHED LIKE … THREE? THREE AND A HALF POUNDS, TOPS. SLEEK FUR. ALL MUSCLE UNDERNEATH. PICK OF THE LITTER, YOU KNOW WHAT I’M SAYING? AND I COULD CATCH ANYTHING THAT FLEW. BUGS. BIRDS. THAT LITTLE BALL OF FEATHERS ON A STRING ON A STICK. ANYTHING.
LOOK AT ME, BILLY. LOOK AT ME NOW. LOOK HOW LONG MY EAR HAIR IS. TRY TO FIND MY CHEEKBONES, I DARE YOU. I CAN’T EVEN CATCH MY OWN TAIL WHEN IT SURPRISES ME. THAT’S HOW SLOW I AM.
CATNIP WILL RUIN YOU, SON. YOU DON’T WANT TO START DOWN THAT ROAD. TAKE MY WORD FOR IT. YOU NEED TO STAY IN SCHOOL AND STAY AWAY FROM THAT DEVIL HERB.

I MEAN, YOU PROBABLY CAN’T IMAGINE IT BUT BACK THEN I ONLY WEIGHED LIKE … THREE? THREE AND A HALF POUNDS, TOPS. SLEEK FUR. ALL MUSCLE UNDERNEATH. PICK OF THE LITTER, YOU KNOW WHAT I’M SAYING? AND I COULD CATCH ANYTHING THAT FLEW. BUGS. BIRDS. THAT LITTLE BALL OF FEATHERS ON A STRING ON A STICK. ANYTHING.

LOOK AT ME, BILLY. LOOK AT ME NOW. LOOK HOW LONG MY EAR HAIR IS. TRY TO FIND MY CHEEKBONES, I DARE YOU. I CAN’T EVEN CATCH MY OWN TAIL WHEN IT SURPRISES ME. THAT’S HOW SLOW I AM.

CATNIP WILL RUIN YOU, SON. YOU DON’T WANT TO START DOWN THAT ROAD. TAKE MY WORD FOR IT. YOU NEED TO STAY IN SCHOOL AND STAY AWAY FROM THAT DEVIL HERB.

9:39 pm - Wed, Jun 11, 2014
2,499 notes
DANNY, MAN, YOU NEED TO PERK UP. IT’S A PARTY.
AT THE SAME TIME YOU NEED TO CHILL OUT, THOUGH. YOUR MOOD IS ONE OF PALPABLE TENSION AND IT’S MAKING EVERYONE ABOUT 12% LESS LOOSEY-GOOSEY THAN THEY SHOULD BE. WE CAN’T HAVE THAT. EVERYONE WANTS TO BE FULLY L-G.
SO, TO RECAP, YOU NEED TO FORGET ABOUT YOUR BREAKUP AND REMEMBER ABOUT PARTIES. PERKY BUT CHILL. INTO A GOOD TIME BUT OUT OF SHITS TO GIVE.
TAKE ME AS A PRIME EXAMPLE OF THE REQUIRED DICHOTOMY. UP TOP I’M ALL PARTY, HENCE THE HAT. DOWNTOWN WE FIND ME SO CHILLED OUT THAT I REFUSE TO USE MY LEGS AND HAVE KEVIN HERE CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE. THAT’S THE MOOD AND ATTITUDE WE’RE GOING FOR. 
WOULD IT HELP IF I HAD KEVIN GRAB YOU A BURGER? HMMM? THEY’RE DYNAMITE. THEY’VE GOT CHORIZO IN THEM. 

DANNY, MAN, YOU NEED TO PERK UP. IT’S A PARTY.

AT THE SAME TIME YOU NEED TO CHILL OUT, THOUGH. YOUR MOOD IS ONE OF PALPABLE TENSION AND IT’S MAKING EVERYONE ABOUT 12% LESS LOOSEY-GOOSEY THAN THEY SHOULD BE. WE CAN’T HAVE THAT. EVERYONE WANTS TO BE FULLY L-G.

SO, TO RECAP, YOU NEED TO FORGET ABOUT YOUR BREAKUP AND REMEMBER ABOUT PARTIES. PERKY BUT CHILL. INTO A GOOD TIME BUT OUT OF SHITS TO GIVE.

TAKE ME AS A PRIME EXAMPLE OF THE REQUIRED DICHOTOMY. UP TOP I’M ALL PARTY, HENCE THE HAT. DOWNTOWN WE FIND ME SO CHILLED OUT THAT I REFUSE TO USE MY LEGS AND HAVE KEVIN HERE CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE. THAT’S THE MOOD AND ATTITUDE WE’RE GOING FOR. 

WOULD IT HELP IF I HAD KEVIN GRAB YOU A BURGER? HMMM? THEY’RE DYNAMITE. THEY’VE GOT CHORIZO IN THEM. 

8:52 pm - Fri, Apr 18, 2014
11,646 notes
OKAY, WELL, THANKS FOR LUNCH.
IT WAS REALLY GOOD SEEING YOU AGAIN. REALLY GOOD. I’VE MISSED YOU.
I MISSED YOU TOO.
SO MUCH.
… 
…
… 
…
OKAY, SERIOUSLY, I’VE GOT A PILATES CLASS AT 3. IT WAS NICE RUNNING INTO YOU.
IT WAS, WASN’T IT?
LET ME GO, DAN.

OKAY, WELL, THANKS FOR LUNCH.

IT WAS REALLY GOOD SEEING YOU AGAIN. REALLY GOOD. I’VE MISSED YOU.

I MISSED YOU TOO.

SO MUCH.

… 

… 

OKAY, SERIOUSLY, I’VE GOT A PILATES CLASS AT 3. IT WAS NICE RUNNING INTO YOU.

IT WAS, WASN’T IT?

LET ME GO, DAN.

6:42 pm - Thu, Apr 17, 2014
422 notes
Hello, dear readers. It’s me, Justin (not this pidge in a bridge you see in the photo above. That’s just a pigeon that lives near my house). Long time no talk. How’s tricks? What have you been up to? Are those new shoes? I like them. Are you taller? You seem taller. 
Anyway, I know how busy you are so I will get to the point: I wrote something that I actually like (in lowercase letters) for this app/magazine hybrid techno-organic iOS Skynet thing called Offline Magazine, which is basically a monthly collection of five articles/essays/etceteras that you beam into your spacephone, where they are accompanied not only by photos but also by professional narration from what I assume are reclusive pale weirdos in dank, semi-forgotten sound studios (but might actually just be normal people with accent collections and families, like Lake Bell in In A World…, which was a surprisingly enjoyable movie about the cutthroat world of movie trailer voice-overs I highly recommend you watch). That means you can either read the thing I wrote with the traditional retinal dance of saccades and fixations or listen to it on your stereophonic headphones so people around you just think you’re zoning out to marimba-heavy Beyoncé remixes like you usually do. It also only costs $.99 (or £.69  if you live near me), which is actually dirt cheap for the amount of work the Offline folks put into the thing.
You’ll have to forgive the powers-that-be (which I like to think of as Powers Boothe, a man we can all agree looks like he’s in charge of everything) for deciding that my portion of the magazine should be narrated by someone doing a voice like a snarky barista in a café with tasting notes for the coffee written on old-timey chalkboards. I didn’t pick that guy. Powers did.
Normally I don’t bother you with my extratumblicular writing activities, but this one is actually kind of decent, for a very respectable and on-the-level outfit, and comes bundled up with a piece about David Lynch from someone also named David (Griffin), some chefly words of wisdom from Miriam Nice (who just sounds nice, don’t you think?), and moving prose and futuristic thinking from Mary Chamberlain and Neal Shaffer, respectively. All with audio! For 99 cents! It’s crazy town! The town where crazy lives! 
So yeah, if you want to read and/or hear 3500 words about padlocks and junkies in Glasgow, or if you want to skip it and go right to the David Lynch skyping story, click here and do whatever the futuristic robot interface tells you to do.*
Otherwise, just have a pleasant afternoon. That’s my plan. 
Nice talking to you, tumblr. We don’t do this enough.

Yours,
Justin V.


*unless it wants to touch you in your bathing suit area. nobody has the right to do that without your permission. not even skynet.

Hello, dear readers. It’s me, Justin (not this pidge in a bridge you see in the photo above. That’s just a pigeon that lives near my house). Long time no talk. How’s tricks? What have you been up to? Are those new shoes? I like them. Are you taller? You seem taller. 

Anyway, I know how busy you are so I will get to the point: I wrote something that I actually like (in lowercase letters) for this app/magazine hybrid techno-organic iOS Skynet thing called Offline Magazine, which is basically a monthly collection of five articles/essays/etceteras that you beam into your spacephone, where they are accompanied not only by photos but also by professional narration from what I assume are reclusive pale weirdos in dank, semi-forgotten sound studios (but might actually just be normal people with accent collections and families, like Lake Bell in In A World…, which was a surprisingly enjoyable movie about the cutthroat world of movie trailer voice-overs I highly recommend you watch). That means you can either read the thing I wrote with the traditional retinal dance of saccades and fixations or listen to it on your stereophonic headphones so people around you just think you’re zoning out to marimba-heavy Beyoncé remixes like you usually do. It also only costs $.99 (or £.69  if you live near me), which is actually dirt cheap for the amount of work the Offline folks put into the thing.

You’ll have to forgive the powers-that-be (which I like to think of as Powers Boothe, a man we can all agree looks like he’s in charge of everything) for deciding that my portion of the magazine should be narrated by someone doing a voice like a snarky barista in a café with tasting notes for the coffee written on old-timey chalkboards. I didn’t pick that guy. Powers did.

Normally I don’t bother you with my extratumblicular writing activities, but this one is actually kind of decent, for a very respectable and on-the-level outfit, and comes bundled up with a piece about David Lynch from someone also named David (Griffin), some chefly words of wisdom from Miriam Nice (who just sounds nice, don’t you think?), and moving prose and futuristic thinking from Mary Chamberlain and Neal Shaffer, respectively. All with audio! For 99 cents! It’s crazy town! The town where crazy lives! 

So yeah, if you want to read and/or hear 3500 words about padlocks and junkies in Glasgow, or if you want to skip it and go right to the David Lynch skyping story, click here and do whatever the futuristic robot interface tells you to do.*

Otherwise, just have a pleasant afternoon. That’s my plan. 

Nice talking to you, tumblr. We don’t do this enough.

Yours,

Justin V.

*unless it wants to touch you in your bathing suit area. nobody has the right to do that without your permission. not even skynet.

4:20 pm
1,518 notes
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I’M A “ONE-UPPER”?
I MEAN THAT YOU EXAGGERATE OR OUTRIGHT LIE, NOT ONLY TO MAKE YOURSELF SEEM FAR MORE INTERESTING THAN YOU ACTUALLY ARE, BUT ALSO OUT OF A MISGUIDED SPIRIT OF COMPETITIVENESS AND/OR ENVY. THAT YOU WILL NOT ALLOW YOURSELF TO JUST ENJOY SOMEONE ELSE’S EXPERIENCES AND ACCOMPLISHMENTS BECAUSE IT ERRONEOUSLY MAKES YOU FEEL INFERIOR, SO YOU FABRICATE WIDLY IMPROBABLE TALES TO SUIT YOUR NEED FOR SITUATIONAL DOMINANCE. THAT IS WHAT I MEAN BY THAT.
I DON’T DO THAT.
I’D ARGUE, BUT I HAVE A DATE AT 5:30 AND I NEED TO GET READY.
WELL THAT’S FINE WITH ME, BECAUSE I HAVE TWO DATES AT 5:30.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN I’M A “ONE-UPPER”?

I MEAN THAT YOU EXAGGERATE OR OUTRIGHT LIE, NOT ONLY TO MAKE YOURSELF SEEM FAR MORE INTERESTING THAN YOU ACTUALLY ARE, BUT ALSO OUT OF A MISGUIDED SPIRIT OF COMPETITIVENESS AND/OR ENVY. THAT YOU WILL NOT ALLOW YOURSELF TO JUST ENJOY SOMEONE ELSE’S EXPERIENCES AND ACCOMPLISHMENTS BECAUSE IT ERRONEOUSLY MAKES YOU FEEL INFERIOR, SO YOU FABRICATE WIDLY IMPROBABLE TALES TO SUIT YOUR NEED FOR SITUATIONAL DOMINANCE. THAT IS WHAT I MEAN BY THAT.

I DON’T DO THAT.

I’D ARGUE, BUT I HAVE A DATE AT 5:30 AND I NEED TO GET READY.

WELL THAT’S FINE WITH ME, BECAUSE I HAVE TWO DATES AT 5:30.

2:40 pm
17,365 notes
SEVEN YOUNG LADIES STAND BEFORE ME … BUT I ONLY HAVE SIX PHOTOS IN MY HANDS.
AND THESE PHOTOS … REPRESENT THE GIRLS … WHO ARE STILL IN THE RUNNING TOWARD BECOMING … AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODEL.
I’M KIDDING, OBVIOUSLY. NONE OF YOU ARE TALL ENOUGH FOR RUNWAY WORK, PLUS I DON’T HAVE HANDS. NOW GET OUT OF HERE AND GO PLAY IN THE YARD. I NEED TO TAKE A LITTLE NAP.

SEVEN YOUNG LADIES STAND BEFORE ME … BUT I ONLY HAVE SIX PHOTOS IN MY HANDS.

AND THESE PHOTOS … REPRESENT THE GIRLS … WHO ARE STILL IN THE RUNNING TOWARD BECOMING … AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODEL.

I’M KIDDING, OBVIOUSLY. NONE OF YOU ARE TALL ENOUGH FOR RUNWAY WORK, PLUS I DON’T HAVE HANDS. NOW GET OUT OF HERE AND GO PLAY IN THE YARD. I NEED TO TAKE A LITTLE NAP.

4:20 pm - Fri, Apr 11, 2014
1,584 notes
[ARE THOSE PASTEL CHEVRON TIGHTS WITH SOME SORT OF CLUNKY ORTHOPEDIC SHOE?]
{MORE IMPORTANTLY, HAS SHE EVER HEARD OF SHAMPOO?}
[THAT WHOLE OUTFIT IS AN ABOMINATION. IT LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE TRIED TO SMOTHER A FIRE MADE OF CLASHING PATTERNS WITH A BLANKET MADE OF NORTH FACE.]
{THE GREASE FROM HER HAIR APPEARS TO BE MAKING A WATERPROOF COATING ON THAT JACKET. LIKE WAXING COTTON, ONLY HORRIBLE.}
[I SWEAR THERE’S SOME SORT OF HEMP SHAWL IN THERE TOO.]
{ARE YOU SURE IT’S NOT JUST MORE MATTED HAIR?}
[IF WE WEREN’T LIMITED TO TELEPATHIC COMMUNICATION I’D CALL SOMEONE TO COME AND PUT A STOP TO THIS.]
{IT’S LIKE SHE CAN’T EVEN FEEL HER OWN HAIR. HOW CAN YOU NOT FEEL TENTACLES? THICK WEIRD TENTACLES.}

[ARE THOSE PASTEL CHEVRON TIGHTS WITH SOME SORT OF CLUNKY ORTHOPEDIC SHOE?]

{MORE IMPORTANTLY, HAS SHE EVER HEARD OF SHAMPOO?}

[THAT WHOLE OUTFIT IS AN ABOMINATION. IT LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE TRIED TO SMOTHER A FIRE MADE OF CLASHING PATTERNS WITH A BLANKET MADE OF NORTH FACE.]

{THE GREASE FROM HER HAIR APPEARS TO BE MAKING A WATERPROOF COATING ON THAT JACKET. LIKE WAXING COTTON, ONLY HORRIBLE.}

[I SWEAR THERE’S SOME SORT OF HEMP SHAWL IN THERE TOO.]

{ARE YOU SURE IT’S NOT JUST MORE MATTED HAIR?}

[IF WE WEREN’T LIMITED TO TELEPATHIC COMMUNICATION I’D CALL SOMEONE TO COME AND PUT A STOP TO THIS.]

{IT’S LIKE SHE CAN’T EVEN FEEL HER OWN HAIR. HOW CAN YOU NOT FEEL TENTACLES? THICK WEIRD TENTACLES.}

1:57 pm
3,211 notes
LARRY! DON’T FORGET TOOTHPASTE! WE’RE ALMOST OUT!

LARRY! DON’T FORGET TOOTHPASTE! WE’RE ALMOST OUT!

3:40 pm - Tue, Apr 8, 2014
4,295 notes
DAN, YOU’RE MAKING IT INCREDIBLY HARD FOR ME TO WALK.
WELL, YOU’RE MAKING IT INCREDIBLY HARD FOR ME TO BREATHE, BECAUSE I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.
YES, RIGHT, BUT YOU’RE ALSO HURTING MY EAR.
THE EAR THAT IS INSIDE MY EYE RIGHT NOW, FILLING THAT EYE WITH THE ONLY THING I WANT TO LOOK AT FOREVER, WHICH IS YOU?
YES, MOST LIKELY, AND THAT IS SWEET, BUT WHAT I’M  TRYING TO SAY IS-
THAT YOU LOVE ME TOO? FOREVER? BECAUSE WE ARE TOTALLY SOULMATES?
DOES ONE SOULMATE OFTEN PREVENT THE OTHER FROM WALKING IN A STRAIGHT LINE? IS THAT HOW IT WORKS?
SURE. IT’S PROBABLY ALL THE WEAK KNEES AND SWOONING YOU’RE EXPERIENCING FROM BEING IN LOVE WITH ME SO HARD.
DAN, IT’S YOUR HEAD, WHICH IS SMOOSHED DIRECTLY INTO THE SIDE OF MY HEAD, FORCING ME INTO TREES AND BUSHES.
FORCING YOU INTO LOVE, YOU MEAN.
GOD DAMN IT, DAN.

DAN, YOU’RE MAKING IT INCREDIBLY HARD FOR ME TO WALK.

WELL, YOU’RE MAKING IT INCREDIBLY HARD FOR ME TO BREATHE, BECAUSE I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.

YES, RIGHT, BUT YOU’RE ALSO HURTING MY EAR.

THE EAR THAT IS INSIDE MY EYE RIGHT NOW, FILLING THAT EYE WITH THE ONLY THING I WANT TO LOOK AT FOREVER, WHICH IS YOU?

YES, MOST LIKELY, AND THAT IS SWEET, BUT WHAT I’M  TRYING TO SAY IS-

THAT YOU LOVE ME TOO? FOREVER? BECAUSE WE ARE TOTALLY SOULMATES?

DOES ONE SOULMATE OFTEN PREVENT THE OTHER FROM WALKING IN A STRAIGHT LINE? IS THAT HOW IT WORKS?

SURE. IT’S PROBABLY ALL THE WEAK KNEES AND SWOONING YOU’RE EXPERIENCING FROM BEING IN LOVE WITH ME SO HARD.

DAN, IT’S YOUR HEAD, WHICH IS SMOOSHED DIRECTLY INTO THE SIDE OF MY HEAD, FORCING ME INTO TREES AND BUSHES.

FORCING YOU INTO LOVE, YOU MEAN.

GOD DAMN IT, DAN.

3:23 pm - Mon, Apr 7, 2014
3,466 notes
FUCKING MONDAYS, AM I RIGHT?
DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED. THERE ISN’T ENOUGH COFFEE IN THE WORLD TO HELP ME RIGHT NOW. I WAS UP UNTIL 4AM LOOKING AT INTERIOR DESIGN BLOGS. I HAVE NO IDEA WHY. I’M NOT EVEN ALLOWED TO PAINT MY APARTMENT.
THE INTERNET IS THE WORST FOR THAT KIND OF THING. ONE TIME I WENT ON WIKIPEDIA TRYING TO FIGURE OUT THE DRUMMER FROM DEF LEPPARD’S NAME AND I ACCIDENTALLY GOT A DEGREE IN NEUROBIOLOGY.
TELL ME ABOUT IT. I WAS TRYING TO DOWNLOAD SEABISCUIT AND NOW I’M AN ORDAINED MINISTER.

FUCKING MONDAYS, AM I RIGHT?

DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED. THERE ISN’T ENOUGH COFFEE IN THE WORLD TO HELP ME RIGHT NOW. I WAS UP UNTIL 4AM LOOKING AT INTERIOR DESIGN BLOGS. I HAVE NO IDEA WHY. I’M NOT EVEN ALLOWED TO PAINT MY APARTMENT.

THE INTERNET IS THE WORST FOR THAT KIND OF THING. ONE TIME I WENT ON WIKIPEDIA TRYING TO FIGURE OUT THE DRUMMER FROM DEF LEPPARD’S NAME AND I ACCIDENTALLY GOT A DEGREE IN NEUROBIOLOGY.

TELL ME ABOUT IT. I WAS TRYING TO DOWNLOAD SEABISCUIT AND NOW I’M AN ORDAINED MINISTER.

2:40 pm - Thu, Apr 3, 2014
1,863 notes
YOU WANT TO GET A PIZZA AFTER THIS?
Yeah, sure. Papa John’s is doing a two-for-one special.
AREN’T THEY ALWAYS?
Kind of. Yes.
NOT MUCH OF A SPECIAL THEN, IS IT?
Good point. Can you hand me the body wash?
NO, BUT I CAN PICK IT UP WITH MY MOUTH AND THEN DROP IT ON YOU.
Close enough.

YOU WANT TO GET A PIZZA AFTER THIS?

Yeah, sure. Papa John’s is doing a two-for-one special.

AREN’T THEY ALWAYS?

Kind of. Yes.

NOT MUCH OF A SPECIAL THEN, IS IT?

Good point. Can you hand me the body wash?

NO, BUT I CAN PICK IT UP WITH MY MOUTH AND THEN DROP IT ON YOU.

Close enough.

2:13 pm - Mon, Mar 31, 2014
3,347 notes
LOOK, WE KNOW YOU’RE RUNNING LATE AND THAT THIS IS PROBABLY WEIRD FOR YOU, BUT WE CAN’T LET YOU GO TO WORK IN THAT OUTFIT.
WE CARE ABOUT YOU. 
WE CONSIDER YOU A FRIEND, AND WE ONLY WANT WHAT’S BEST FOR YOU.

LOOK, WE KNOW YOU’RE RUNNING LATE AND THAT THIS IS PROBABLY WEIRD FOR YOU, BUT WE CAN’T LET YOU GO TO WORK IN THAT OUTFIT.

WE CARE ABOUT YOU. 

WE CONSIDER YOU A FRIEND, AND WE ONLY WANT WHAT’S BEST FOR YOU.

4:11 pm - Thu, Mar 27, 2014
1,028 notes
THANKS SO MUCH, AND SORRY. I’D LOOK MYSELF BUT MY DEPTH PERCEPTION IS WAY OFF. I’M ALMOST TOTALLY BLIND WITHOUT THEM. 
It’s no problem. I’m happy to help.
UGH. I’M GOING TO NEED A GALLON OF SOLUTION TO CLEAN IT. THIS WHOLE PLACE IS SAND CENTRAL. I DON’T EVEN KNOW HOW IT CAME OUT. WE WERE TALKING ABOUT GARY AND I BLINKED AND BAM! IT JUST JUMPED RIGHT OUT OF MY EYE.
Happens to me all the time. That’s why I always carry my glasses. So, are you two going to break up?
I DON’T KNOW. HE’S SMART BUT HE’S INTENSE, YOU KNOW? A FREE-THINKER. HE’S GOT ALL THESE WEIRD IDEAS. WANTS TO HAVE SOME CRAZY ‘NUCLEAR FAMILY’. I JUST DON’T THINK I’M INTO THAT, THOUGH. I’M OLD FASHIONED. TOTAL COLONY GIRL.

THANKS SO MUCH, AND SORRY. I’D LOOK MYSELF BUT MY DEPTH PERCEPTION IS WAY OFF. I’M ALMOST TOTALLY BLIND WITHOUT THEM. 

It’s no problem. I’m happy to help.

UGH. I’M GOING TO NEED A GALLON OF SOLUTION TO CLEAN IT. THIS WHOLE PLACE IS SAND CENTRAL. I DON’T EVEN KNOW HOW IT CAME OUT. WE WERE TALKING ABOUT GARY AND I BLINKED AND BAM! IT JUST JUMPED RIGHT OUT OF MY EYE.

Happens to me all the time. That’s why I always carry my glasses. So, are you two going to break up?

I DON’T KNOW. HE’S SMART BUT HE’S INTENSE, YOU KNOW? A FREE-THINKER. HE’S GOT ALL THESE WEIRD IDEAS. WANTS TO HAVE SOME CRAZY ‘NUCLEAR FAMILY’. I JUST DON’T THINK I’M INTO THAT, THOUGH. I’M OLD FASHIONED. TOTAL COLONY GIRL.

6:31 pm - Mon, Mar 24, 2014
1,775 notes
WELCOME BACK TO BNN NEWS, YOUR UP-TO-THE-MINUTE SOURCE FOR EVERYTHING NEWSWORTHY. I’M BRIAN ANDROCONIA AND WE’RE HERE WITH RIVETING NEW UPDATES REGARDING THE DISAPPEARANCE OF FLOWER GH760, LAST SEEN IN THE HENDERSONS’ GARDEN EARLY TUESDAY MORNING. AUTHORITIES CAN’T CONFIRM IF THE FLOWER WAS CUT BY THE HENDERSONS THEMSELVES OR PICKED BY A PASSING STRANGER, NOR DID ANYONE SEE ITS REMOVAL, SO I’LL ACTUALLY JUST BE LISTING OFF NUMEROUS OTHER POSSIBILITIES RANGING FROM THE MILDLY LIKELY TO THE PATENTLY RIDICULOUS, INTERSPERSED WITH MANY INVENTIVE REPHRASINGS OF THE TWO CONCRETE DETAILS WE DO POSSESS, WHICH ARE BASICALLY THAT THERE USED TO BE A FLOWER AND NOW IT’S GONE, NONSTOP FOR THE FORESEEABLE FUTURE AND CALLING THOSE THINGS UPDATES. GOD IT’S A GREAT TIME TO BE A JOURNALIST.

WELCOME BACK TO BNN NEWS, YOUR UP-TO-THE-MINUTE SOURCE FOR EVERYTHING NEWSWORTHY. I’M BRIAN ANDROCONIA AND WE’RE HERE WITH RIVETING NEW UPDATES REGARDING THE DISAPPEARANCE OF FLOWER GH760, LAST SEEN IN THE HENDERSONS’ GARDEN EARLY TUESDAY MORNING. AUTHORITIES CAN’T CONFIRM IF THE FLOWER WAS CUT BY THE HENDERSONS THEMSELVES OR PICKED BY A PASSING STRANGER, NOR DID ANYONE SEE ITS REMOVAL, SO I’LL ACTUALLY JUST BE LISTING OFF NUMEROUS OTHER POSSIBILITIES RANGING FROM THE MILDLY LIKELY TO THE PATENTLY RIDICULOUS, INTERSPERSED WITH MANY INVENTIVE REPHRASINGS OF THE TWO CONCRETE DETAILS WE DO POSSESS, WHICH ARE BASICALLY THAT THERE USED TO BE A FLOWER AND NOW IT’S GONE, NONSTOP FOR THE FORESEEABLE FUTURE AND CALLING THOSE THINGS UPDATES. GOD IT’S A GREAT TIME TO BE A JOURNALIST.

3:37 pm
2,688 notes
IN RETROSPECT, DARING CLARISSA TO TAKE A SELFIE NEXT TO THE FARMER’S CAT WAS PROBABLY A BAD IDEA.
YEAH.
I MEAN, IN OUR DEFENSE, OBVIOUSLY WE ALL THOUGHT THE CAT WAS SLEEPING.
YES. 
NOT THAT THAT DOES CLARISSA MUCH GOOD RIGHT NOW, OF COURSE.
NO. NO, IT CERTAINLY DOESN’T.
…
…
… I CALL DIBS ON THAT PHONE.

IN RETROSPECT, DARING CLARISSA TO TAKE A SELFIE NEXT TO THE FARMER’S CAT WAS PROBABLY A BAD IDEA.

YEAH.

I MEAN, IN OUR DEFENSE, OBVIOUSLY WE ALL THOUGHT THE CAT WAS SLEEPING.

YES. 

NOT THAT THAT DOES CLARISSA MUCH GOOD RIGHT NOW, OF COURSE.

NO. NO, IT CERTAINLY DOESN’T.

… I CALL DIBS ON THAT PHONE.

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