ANIMALS TALKING IN ALL CAPS

STAY BACK, IT COULD BE DANGEROUS.

IT’S A HOT DOG BUN.

YOU NEVER KNOW. COULD BE BOOBYTRAPPED.

… ARE YOU JUST TRYING TO GET ME TO TOUCH YOUR PENIS?

I’M OFFENDED YOU WOULD EVEN SUGGEST SUCH A THING, BUT YES.

YOU’RE INCORRIGIBLE.

IF YOU STOP PLAYING HORRIBLE ACOUSTIC VERSIONS OF MODERN TOP 40 HITS I WILL LITERALLY GIVE YOU ALL THE MONEY I HAVE IN THE WORLD.

IT MEANS THAT MUCH TO ME.

PLEASE. 

HEY, TIM.

TIM.

TIMMY.

TIMBO.

TIMBALAND.

TIMBALAND AND MAGOO.

TIMBALAND PRESENTS: SHOCK VALUE.

TIMPERATE RAINFOREST. 

TIM, WAKE THE FUCK UP!

… OR DON’T. YOUR CALL. I THINK SOME PEOPLE ARE DEAD IN YOUR BATHROOM, THOUGH. WHEN AND IF YOU FIND YOUR PANTS YOU SHOULD GO CHECK THAT OUT. 

THAT WAS A TRULY EPIC PARTY, T-BOZ. I MEAN IT. I’M PRETTY SURE WE SET YOUR NEIGHBOR’S HOUSE ON FIRE. I’M GONNA GO GRAB SOME CHIPOTLE. I’LL SEE YOU IN CHEM LAB.

GOD DAMN IT I FORGOT TO FILE MY TAXES.

I tell you to floss, but do you listen? No. And now look at you. Your molars look like lemon poppyseed muffins.

UHN SARRUH, DAHGGA TZDELL.

Don’t “I’m sorry Doctor Tisdale” me, Geraldine. Floss, or you will never get a boyfriend.

UHM AGJILLEH DAYDIN A SHEVNAU.

Did you just say you’re dating a chef?

YEZ.

That’s so hot. When I’m done cleaning these abominations I want details.

YOU READY TO DO THIS SHIT OR WHAT?

OKAY, WELL, THANKS FOR LUNCH.

IT WAS REALLY GOOD SEEING YOU AGAIN. REALLY GOOD. I’VE MISSED YOU.

I MISSED YOU TOO.

SO MUCH.

… 

…

… 

…

OKAY, SERIOUSLY, I’VE GOT A PILATES CLASS AT 3. IT WAS NICE RUNNING INTO YOU.

IT WAS, WASN’T IT?

LET ME GO, DAN.

SISTER, IT IS BETTER THAT YOU SHOULD RUSH UPON THAT BLADE THAN ENTER THE CIRCLE WITH FEAR IN YOUR HEART. 

HOW DO YOU ENTER?

With perfect love and perfect trust.

GOOD. WELCOME TO OUR COVEN. ONLY A COUPLE OF GROUND RULES:

1. NO TAKING INTO YOURSELF ALL THE POWER OF MANON. WE HAD SOME TROUBLE WITH THAT A FEW YEARS AGO.

2. YOU CAN’T WEAR A TANK TOP TWO DAYS IN A ROW, AND YOU CAN ONLY WEAR YOUR HAIR IN A PONYTAIL ONCE A WEEK.

3. ON WEDNESDAYS WE WEAR PINK.

BLESSED BE.

I’M ON FIRE TODAY, BRO. GOT A SICK PUMP ON THE DECLINE BENCH, GAVE THE HOTTIE AT JAMBA JUICE MY NUMBER, AND TOMMY AND VINCE ARE ON THEIR WAY OVER WITH SOME BREWSKIS.

WE’RE GOING DOWNTOWN TONIGHT, YOU HEARD? GONNA FIND THE MOST BANGIN’ CLUB WITH THE HOTTEST BABES AND BEAT THAT BEAT BACK, BRO. GONNA DANCE ‘TIL WE DROP.

LIFE’S SIIIIIIIICK. FOR REALSIES.

COME WITH ME ALICE. YOU’RE TOO WILD, TOO BEAUTIFUL, TO LIVE IN CHAINS. YOU BELONG OUT HERE. A ROSE IN A VASE IS NOT A ROSE IN THE FIELD. IT WITHERS.

WHERE WOULD WE GO, LUKE? WHAT WOULD WE EAT?

ANYWHERE WE WANT, MY LOVE, AND ANYTHING WE CAN CATCH OR FIND IN DUMPSTERS. YOU THINK YOU HAVE SECURITY BUT YOU HAVE SHACKLES. YOU THINK YOU ARE LOVED BUT YOU ARE A TOY FOR OTHERS’ AMUSEMENT. I WILL SHOW YOU FREEDOM. TOGETHER WE WILL BE UNSTOPPABLE. WE WILL SET THE WORLD AFLAME.

I DON’T KNOW, LUKE. YOU’RE JUST TOO DAMNED HANDSOME TO TRUST.

I CAN’T HELP THAT, ALICE. I WAS BORN THIS WAY. THE UPSTAIRS WINDOW IS OPEN. DON’T PACK A BAG. 

AAAHHH! TIM, YOU TOTAL PEEPER! GET OUT OF HERE!

I SWEAR TO GOD IF WE WEREN’T DATING EVERYTHING YOU DO WOULD BE ILLEGAL AND CREEPY. YOU’RE LIKE A LAW & ORDER: SVU BAD GUY THAT BUYS ME FLOWERS ON MY BIRTHDAY.

I AM SO TIRED.

TELL ME ABOUT IT. I AM LITERALLY JUST EXHAUSTED, YOU KNOW?

WORN RIGHT OUT.

POOPED. THAT’S WHAT I AM. JUST PLAIN POOPED.

I MUST HAVE LOOKED AT A HUNDRED THOUSAND AVENGERS GIFS IN THE LAST HOUR.

OH MY GOD, I KNOW. I CAN’T EVEN COUNT THE NUMBER OF GOTYE REMIXES I LISTENED TO TODAY.

THE INTERNET IS HARD.

IT TAKES SOMETHING OUT OF YOU. IT REALLY DOES.

GOD DAMN IT! I HIT MY HEAD RIGHT ON THE CORNER OF THE CUPBOARD DOOR!

I hate it when that happens.

Yeah, that’s the worst.

OW OW OW OW OW OW OW!

STAY DOWN, ASSHOLE!

YOU CAME TO THE WRONG BEACH, LITTERBUG.

THAT DROPPING THE WRAPPER SHIT MIGHT FLY WHEREVER YOU CAME FROM BUT THIS IS THE PACIFIC NORTHWEST. PICK IT UP.

AND YOU’D BETTER BE PLANNING TO RECYCLE THAT BOTTLE, YOU HEAR ME?

I BET YOU DON’T EVEN COMPOST.

SCUMBAG.