- 5:10 pm - Tue, Oct 29, 2013
- 3,723 notes
NO, IT’S FINE. EVERYTHING’S FINE. THEY GAVE ME SOME DEMEROL FOR THE PAIN. AFTER THAT I BEGAN TO SEE THE DELICATE LATTICEWORK OF SUBATOMIC PARTICLES THAT BINDS OUR CONSCIOUSNESS TO THIS TEMPORARY PLANE OF EXISTENCE, AND TO HEAR THE WHISPERS OF THOSE WHO HAVE ESCAPED ITS GRASP.
MY MOUTH IS CRAZY DRY, THOUGH. WOULD YOU BE A PEACH AND GET ME SOME WATER?
- 5:30 pm - Tue, Sep 17, 2013
- 1,902 notes
OH MY GOD, YOU TWO, GET A ROOM.
SERIOUSLY, THAT IS SO TACKY.
- 2:45 pm
- 5,444 notes
GOOD MORNING. I HOPE YOU’RE NOT ALARMED BUT MY LOVE FOR YOU HAS BEGUN TO MANIFEST AS A SMALL CLOUD OF SLIGHTLY DIFFUSED LIGHTS THAT HOVER IN THE AIR ABOUT MY BODY. IT APPEARS THEY WILL DANCE WHEN YOU OPEN A TIN OF WHISKAS.
… WOULD YOU LIKE TO MAKE MY LOVE LIGHTS DANCE?
- 5:30 pm - Wed, Sep 11, 2013
- 11,182 notes
I’M GOING TO RUN TO CVS AND GRAB SOME TRASH BAGS. WE’RE ALMOST OUT. YOU NEED ANYTHING? SOME CIGARETTES?
WHAT ABOUT Q-TIPS? THEY’RE HAVING A SALE ON Q-TIPS.
- 2:45 pm
- 6,644 notes
CHIN SKYWARD, FAITHFUL COMPANION! TODAY IS A DAY OF GLORY! A CELEBRATION OF YOUR PHYSICAL PROWESS AND INBORN GRACE! AND YET YOU SEEM GLUM!
… I’M FINE. I’M JUST TIRED.
COME NOW, DON’T MAKE ME SAY IT.
DON’T SAY IT. I JUST NEED SOME TEA, THAT’S ALL.
I DON’T FIND MYSELF CONVINCED. SO … WHY THE-
DON’T SAY IT.
YES, BUT WHY THE-
KNOCK IT OFF, GEORGE.
WHY THE LONG FACE, OLD FRIEND? WHY THE LONG FACE! AH HA HA HA! OHHHHHH! OH MY. OH MY, YES. DO YOU GET IT? DO YOU?
I GET IT, GEORGE.
YOUR FACE, STRUCTURALLY, IS QUITE-
I GET IT, GEORGE.
- 2:45 pm - Mon, Sep 9, 2013
- 1,504 notes
WHOA, CALM DOWN. WHAT HAPPENED?
OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH, IT WAS THE MOST HORRIBLE THING! I THINK I’M LITERALLY DYING! OH GOD!
JESUS, ARE YOU HURT? WAS IT HUNTERS? HAVE YOU BEEN SHOT?
NO, I READ AN ARTICLE ABOUT FACTORY FARMING! THOSE POOR PIGS!
… ARE YOU SERIOUS?
I THINK I’M HAVING A PANIC ATTACK!
- 5:31 pm - Sun, Sep 8, 2013
- 2,945 notes
ANTHONY! TAKE YOUR SHOES OFF! THAT’S BERBER CARPETING! WHAT IN THE DEVIL ARE YOU THINKING?
WE DO NOT WEAR OUR TOPSIDERS IN THE HOUSE, ANTHONY. ONLY ON THE BOAT.
HONESTLY! HOW GAUCHE!
- 5:31 pm - Sat, Sep 7, 2013
- 2,578 notes
ALL OF THE SLUDS AND HOARS ON THIS TUMBLRS MAKING ME SAD FOR EMERICAS YOUTH.
WHY YOU SO SLUDDY AND HOARY?
PUT ON MORE CLOSE! STOP PLAYING WITH YOUR TIDDIES AND PENUSES BEFOAR YOU CATCH A DISESE.
WHAT WOULD PARENS THINK? TEARS! ALL OF TEARS!
FOR ANYTHING YOU DO THE NOOD FOTOS AND NO REASONS!
“I LIKE BAND ONE DIRECTION. LOOK AT MY BUBES.”
“I WATCH BEE BEE SEE MOVIE SHOW SHERLOCK. HEAR IS MY TESSACLES IN DIRTY BEDSROOM.”
GOD CAN SEE YOUR BUBES! HE IS MAD AT THEM! STOP BEING SO NAKID! PUT YOUR GIANT WEENERS AWAY FROM CAMERAS AND GO CHURCH!
- 3:15 pm - Thu, Sep 5, 2013
- 510 notes
Hello. Long time no see. How are things? What have you been up to?
Really? That’s crazy. Me too.
Just kidding, obviously, unless you said you’ve spent the last three months working 55 hour weeks in a kitchen that’s only a few degrees cooler than the main furnace of Hell while simultaneously trying to find five minutes to hang out with your wife that don’t involve sleeping or rubbing your feet while making weird low whimpering noises.
If you did say that then hey, I feel your pain. Your foot pain.
I’ve also been trying to get out and take pictures while there is still sunlight in Scotland, which is that country I moved to in March. Scotland and sunlight have only met a few times in recorded history, so it’s not as easy as it sounds.
Basically, what little spare time I do have to sit down at a computer has not been spent captioning animals, for which I apologize. I thought maybe the ATIAC book could fill that void, but my publishers inform me that only six people have bought a copy so that plan isn’t really working. It’s my own fault, really. Instead of shamelessly promoting it and bludgeoning you with blinky internet advertisements I just kind of moved to Scotland and got a job and occasionally captioned a wolf or an insect to make you chuckle. Ergo, to fulfill contractual obligations I would like you to BUY MY BOOK. BUY IT. BUY IT NOW OR WITHIN FIVE MINUTES. BUY IT TWICE BECAUSE IT FEELS SO GOOD TO BUY IT. OH MAN, WILL YOU ENJOY BUYING MY TALKING ANIMAL BOOK. IT IS THE BEST BOOK. HONEST. SO GOOD. BETTER THAN INFINTIE JEST. BETTER THAN ALL THE TOLSTOY. BUY IT AND YOU WILL BE GOOD IN BED WITH STRONG, SILKY HAIR AND VERY CLEAR SKIN. THE VERY ACT OF BUYING IT FEEDS NEEDY CHILDREN IN WATERLESS COUNTRIES. ETCETERA.
See? And they said I was bad at promotion. I SHOWED YOU, PUBLISHERS! I am CRAZY SUPER GOOD at promotion. I just sold like … eight more copies! And I didn’t even stand up`! I was in my chair the whole time!
Anyhow, as to the immediate future of ATIAC, I thought maybe I’d hand the reins over to you for a bit in the form of the world’s easiest contest. It’s like a photo captioning contest but you pick the photo. And write the caption. Then you send it to me, preferably with a link to the photo’s source. You can do this through the submit feature here on tumblr or at the ever-popular firstname.lastname@example.org, which is my electronic mailbox. You should also include your name/contact info. Every day from September 17th through September 21st I will post one or two of my favorites, which will hopefully make thousands and thousands of people either chuckle or guffaw. The winners of this captioning contest will not only enjoy the warm glow of appreciation from ATIAC’s readers, but will receive a signed copy of the book along with either a letter or a piece of candy or something. (Did you like how I put the important words in boldface type? That’s a little trick I learned in PROMOTION SCHOOL.) Let’s say ten guest ATIAC entries for a total of ten signed copies of the book you all just bought five minutes ago because of my incredible powers of suggestion.
In the interim I will attempt to find enough time each day to make hippos talk about True Blood, but if I fail please know it’s because I’m in a work-related coma, not because I don’t love you.
And please don’t think I don’t appreciate all of you who have written this past month or so to congratulate me on the book’s release. ATIAC has some of the best fans any internet thing could possibly ask for, and even though most of you are several time zones away from me, spatially, I feel very close to you inside my heart.
Not literally, obviously, since anything inside my heart would kill me, even an air bubble or a little splinter or whatever, let alone a fully grown human being. You wouldn’t even fit in my heart, so the whole point is moot, but the sentiment is still totally relevant.
Send me some animal photos, but with captions this time, yeah? Let’s have a wee bit of fun before Winter comes and buries us under an avalanche of bullshit and hail.
Love, kisses, and talking fishes,
- 1:14 pm
- 2,409 notes
BY ALL THE GODS, WHAT IS THAT STRUCTURE? IT’S MESMERIZING. LOOK AT THAT INVITING, CENTRAL STONE FIREPIT, HOUSED BY ADOBE-ESQUE TAN BRICK WALLS. GAZE UPON THE GENTLE SLOPE OF THE RED CLAY TILE ROOF AND THE SOFT CURVES OF THE SIMPLE, MISSION-STYLE BELL THAT TOLLS NOT LOUDLY IN THE STILL SUMMER AIR BUT INSIDE YOUR HEART, PROMISING YOU RELIEF. AFFORDABLE, DELICIOUS RELIEF FROM ALL YOUR WOES.
PULL INTO THIS “TACO BELL” CARL. I WISH TO KNOW ITS SECRETS.
- 3:15 pm - Tue, Sep 3, 2013
- 5,746 notes
THAT’S RIGHT, DRAG IT. DRAG THAT LONG, SEXY ASS.
OH MY GOD, MOM. WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU?
YOUR FATHER HAS A VERY NICE BACKSIDE. I’M COMMENTING ON IT.
THAT’S SO GROSS. YOU’RE GROSSING ME OUT. DAD, TELL HER SHE’S BEING A SICKO.
HONEY, YOU’RE BEING “A SICKO” AND UPSETTING SAMUEL WITH YOUR COMPLETELY ACCURATE REMARK ABOUT HOW GREAT MY ASS IS.
I’M NOT SORRY.
YOU HEAR THAT, CHAMP? YOUR MOTHER IS UNREPENTANT. SHE’S A WOMAN OF STRONG CONVICTIONS, AND I THINK WE SHOULD RESPECT THAT.
- 3:15 pm - Fri, Aug 30, 2013
- 2,418 notes
NO MERCY! IS THAT CLEAR? NO REPRIEVE! YOU RETURN TO THE HIVE WITH BLOOD ON YOUR MANDIBLES OR YOU DON’T RETURN AT ALL! CRY HAVOC, AND LET SLIP THE DOGS OF- WENDY, DID YOU BRING YOUR PURSE?
I NEVER GO ANYWHERE WITHOUT MY PURSE. IT HAS ALL MY STUFF IN IT.
… WE’RE AT WAR.
AND IF YOU WANT SOME GUM DURING THE WAR, WHERE ARE YOU GOING TO GET IT, HUH? WHAT ABOUT IDENTIFICATION? DO YOU HAVE ANY? I DO. IT’S IN MY PURSE.
- 3:15 pm - Thu, Aug 29, 2013
- 1,643 notes
HEY CHRIS, IT’S ME LAURA! FROM OKCUPID!
I’M SO HAPPY YOU SHOWED UP! I CAN’T WAIT TO TELL YOU ALL ABOUT MY HOBBIES AND INTERESTS OVER DINNER! HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF STEAMPUNK? WHAT ABOUT FANFICTION? HEY, WHERE ARE YOU GOING? I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT MY PETS YET!
- 12:44 pm - Tue, Aug 6, 2013
- 556 notes
Well, Americans … today’s the day.
You can now buy your very own copy of Animals Talking In All Caps (the book), and never have to see [preorder the book] under a caption again (unless of course you’re reading some other caption-centric tumblr and the person who writes it puts [preorder the book] under their words as well, which is something I have no control over).
UK buyers, a demographic which now includes me, will apparently have to wait until 13/9/13, according to Amazon.co.uk. The copy you see is in my kitchen because the fine folks in NYC who publish this modern masterwork saw fit to send me a few (you know, to keep on top of the toilet or under that one side of the Ikea Smølgvärb shelving unit that isn’t level with the floor).
It’s been a long (long), strange (really strange) and winding (or at least curvy) road, people, and I couldn’t and wouldn’t have done it without the enjoyment that I get out of your enjoyment of my labors, in a feedback loop of love, day in and day out for the past couple years.
It’s a little early to toast with beers but if you’ve got a cup of coffee or a mug of tea or maybe a Jolt cola or something, raise it up.
Here’s to you.