ANIMALS TALKING IN ALL CAPS
it's just what it sounds like
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I tell you to floss, but do you listen? No. And now look at you. Your molars look like lemon poppyseed muffins.
UHN SARRUH, DAHGGA TZDELL.
Don’t “I’m sorry Doctor Tisdale” me, Geraldine. Floss, or you will never get a boyfriend.
UHM AGJILLEH DAYDIN A SHEVNAU.
Did you just say you’re dating a chef?
YEZ.
That’s so hot. When I’m done cleaning these abominations I want details.
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OKAY, WELL, THANKS FOR LUNCH.
IT WAS REALLY GOOD SEEING YOU AGAIN. REALLY GOOD. I’VE MISSED YOU.
I MISSED YOU TOO.
SO MUCH.
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OKAY, SERIOUSLY, I’VE GOT A PILATES CLASS AT 3. IT WAS NICE RUNNING INTO YOU.
IT WAS, WASN’T IT?
LET ME GO, DAN.
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SISTER, IT IS BETTER THAT YOU SHOULD RUSH UPON THAT BLADE THAN ENTER THE CIRCLE WITH FEAR IN YOUR HEART.
HOW DO YOU ENTER?
With perfect love and perfect trust.
GOOD. WELCOME TO OUR COVEN. ONLY A COUPLE OF GROUND RULES:
1. NO TAKING INTO YOURSELF ALL THE POWER OF MANON. WE HAD SOME TROUBLE WITH THAT A FEW YEARS AGO.
2. YOU CAN’T WEAR A TANK TOP TWO DAYS IN A ROW, AND YOU CAN ONLY WEAR YOUR HAIR IN A PONYTAIL ONCE A WEEK.
3. ON WEDNESDAYS WE WEAR PINK.
BLESSED BE.
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I’M ON FIRE TODAY, BRO. GOT A SICK PUMP ON THE DECLINE BENCH, GAVE THE HOTTIE AT JAMBA JUICE MY NUMBER, AND TOMMY AND VINCE ARE ON THEIR WAY OVER WITH SOME BREWSKIS.
WE’RE GOING DOWNTOWN TONIGHT, YOU HEARD? GONNA FIND THE MOST BANGIN’ CLUB WITH THE HOTTEST BABES AND BEAT THAT BEAT BACK, BRO. GONNA DANCE ‘TIL WE DROP.
LIFE’S SIIIIIIIICK. FOR REALSIES.
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COME WITH ME ALICE. YOU’RE TOO WILD, TOO BEAUTIFUL, TO LIVE IN CHAINS. YOU BELONG OUT HERE. A ROSE IN A VASE IS NOT A ROSE IN THE FIELD. IT WITHERS.
WHERE WOULD WE GO, LUKE? WHAT WOULD WE EAT?
ANYWHERE WE WANT, MY LOVE, AND ANYTHING WE CAN CATCH OR FIND IN DUMPSTERS. YOU THINK YOU HAVE SECURITY BUT YOU HAVE SHACKLES. YOU THINK YOU ARE LOVED BUT YOU ARE A TOY FOR OTHERS’ AMUSEMENT. I WILL SHOW YOU FREEDOM. TOGETHER WE WILL BE UNSTOPPABLE. WE WILL SET THE WORLD AFLAME.
I DON’T KNOW, LUKE. YOU’RE JUST TOO DAMNED HANDSOME TO TRUST.
I CAN’T HELP THAT, ALICE. I WAS BORN THIS WAY. THE UPSTAIRS WINDOW IS OPEN. DON’T PACK A BAG.
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AAAHHH! TIM, YOU TOTAL PEEPER! GET OUT OF HERE!
I SWEAR TO GOD IF WE WEREN’T DATING EVERYTHING YOU DO WOULD BE ILLEGAL AND CREEPY. YOU’RE LIKE A LAW & ORDER: SVU BAD GUY THAT BUYS ME FLOWERS ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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I AM SO TIRED.
TELL ME ABOUT IT. I AM LITERALLY JUST EXHAUSTED, YOU KNOW?
WORN RIGHT OUT.
POOPED. THAT’S WHAT I AM. JUST PLAIN POOPED.
I MUST HAVE LOOKED AT A HUNDRED THOUSAND AVENGERS GIFS IN THE LAST HOUR.
OH MY GOD, I KNOW. I CAN’T EVEN COUNT THE NUMBER OF GOTYE REMIXES I LISTENED TO TODAY.
THE INTERNET IS HARD.
IT TAKES SOMETHING OUT OF YOU. IT REALLY DOES.
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GOD DAMN IT! I HIT MY HEAD RIGHT ON THE CORNER OF THE CUPBOARD DOOR!
I hate it when that happens.
Yeah, that’s the worst.
OW OW OW OW OW OW OW!
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There was a time, long ago, in a world not unlike our own, where a writer would produce a manuscript after many laborious hours spent hunched over a typewriter of such heft and weight it could easily be used to bludgeon a burglar to death. Writers would not bash ne’er-do-wells’ heads in, of course, for multiple reasons, chief among them being that writers have nothing of value to burgle so the situation rarely arose (but also because those barely-movable metal contraptions were precious to them, strange alchemical chambers where sweat and little drops of whiskey and the smoke from a thousand cigarettes entered, and beautifully amateurish fiction emerged. This did not make typewriters expensive or burgle-worthy, just neat).
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STAY DOWN, ASSHOLE!
YOU CAME TO THE WRONG BEACH, LITTERBUG.
THAT DROPPING THE WRAPPER SHIT MIGHT FLY WHEREVER YOU CAME FROM BUT THIS IS THE PACIFIC NORTHWEST. PICK IT UP.
AND YOU’D BETTER BE PLANNING TO RECYCLE THAT BOTTLE, YOU HEAR ME?
I BET YOU DON’T EVEN COMPOST.
SCUMBAG.
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BYE, MOM. BYE, DAD. PLEASE STOP STRUGGLING. IT’S JUST A COUPLE YEARS IN A LABOR CAMP. I KNOW YOU WERE LOOKING FORWARD TO RETIREMENT BUT YOU CO-SIGNED FOR COLLEGE, REMEMBER? IT WAS EITHER SELL YOU INTO INDENTURED SERVITUDE OR GET SOME CORPORATE CUBICLE JOB TO PAY BACK MY STUDENT LOANS.
NO OFFENSE, BUT I DIDN’T GO TO ART SCHOOL TO WORK IN AN OFFICE, OKAY? I NEED TO BE IN A NURTURING CREATIVE ENVIRONMENT.
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KNOCK IT OFF, HENRY. I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR YOUR LITTLE LOVE GAMES. MY PARENTS ARE COMING OVER LATER AND THIS PLACE IS A MESS.
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EVER SINCE I STARTED TAKING HERBIVORE STUDIES COURSES AT THE LOCAL UNIVERSITY IT’S BECOME MORE AND MORE DIFFICULT TO ENJOY A WIDE RANGE OF WHAT I ALWAYS ASSUMED WERE NORMAL AND BENIGN ACTIVITIES. I’VE BEEN MADE TO REALIZE THE ENTIRE ECOSYSTEM IS DESIGNED TO OPPRESS AND MARGINALIZE ALL BUT A SELECT FEW CREATURES, AND EVEN MY ATTEMPTS TO OFFER POSSIBLE ALTERNATIVE EXPLANATIONS TO SOME OF THE MORE SPECULATIVE THEORIES ARE SIMPLY PERPETUATIONS OF THE DOMINANT HEIRARCHY.
I NEVER REALIZED HOW MUCH I NEED TO CHECK MY PREDATOR PRIVILEGE.
