Do you guys remember when this tumblr was going to be a book?
Because that’s still happening, in August. August 6th, actually, which is only nine short weeks from now. Nine weeks is how long it takes to have a baby! We could all have babies by the time the book comes out!*
And look, I know what you’re thinking. Justin, you have barely updated this inane tumblr since you packed up your meager possessions and moved 9000 miles away to a completely different continent to begin your proper married life with your hot Glaswegian wife we helped you marry over a year ago.
And you’re right, faceless hordes. You’re absolutely right. I have been remiss. I have shirked my duties so I could perform whimsical fripperies like “learning Scottish slang” and “sex humping my wife” and “getting a job in a foreign country”, and for that I apologize.
If I have let you down, let us agree that it was as a parking garage elevator lets you down. To get to your car, which is in the basement. Because I’m helpful like that. Not like your government, Western capitalism, and society at large have let you down, which is completely, and without recourse. Unlike your job prospects and hope of a happy future, ATIAC is coming back. Better than ever.** Because I love you, and miss your mute, tumblr-email-y voices.
And listen, that months-long stretch where I didn’t leave my desk for 11 hours a day while I pored over animal photos and Google image search, living on microwave meals and whiskey? That had a point, and that point is the tangible, booky version of this here tumblr, which I hope you will both preorder and enjoy in unequal measure. Apparently (and this is news to me as well as you) preorders are a huge thing now and count toward first-week sales figures, which is how in 20 years every Koresh-y cult leader will have a NYT bestseller by whipping his/her followers into an online frenzy of Amazon clicking, ensuring his/her message gets national distribution and optioned movie rights. But right here, right now, in June 2013, the power of the preorder can be used for good, not evil. You can do something like … I don’t know … preorder my stupid book, say, and the only thing that will happen is that you will get it in the mail in August and chuckle about it on the long, horrid commute to your cubicle job or college campus. Maybe use it to prop up that table leg that lost its little rubber foot and always wobbles. That’s it. No fuss, no muss, no spiritual and social revolution. Just me, you, a couple clicks and a shared grin or two.
Honestly, I’m not sure what you’ll do with an Animals Talking In All Caps book except throw it at your deadbeat boyfriend in a fit of rage but nonetheless, I’d like you to own a copy, which you can do by clicking here or here or here or here. Hell, click here or here if you like. Click wherever. It’s your computer. You click where you want. I’m not the boss of you.
How’s Scotland? I pretend you ask. Lovely. it’s just lovely. Thanks for asking.
What have you been doing? Oh, nothing. Just cooking and reading Orwell and touching my wife’s boobs. Taking pictures of things with my birthday camera. Getting a cooking job at a fancy Glaswegian restaurant. Stuff like that. How about you?
Really? That sounds cool / horrible / interesting / boring.***
But back to the matter(s) at hand, which would be this website and its book, and my ability to update and entertain you, the following “countdown to publication” weeks will see the following things:
A new tumblr theme for ATIAC, which should be up and running.
Some discarded, rejected, dejected, unused but not unloved covers for the ATIAC book, which did not make the cut for various reasons.
Some new entries, as well as some old entries. Some animals, talking, in all caps. As it should be.
Little teeny tiny bracketed text beneath the captions that says ‘preorder the book’ like this: [preorder the book] which is an eensy bit annoying but not really because it’s so small (which is a decent insult for your ex’s penis). I’m sorry. I have to put it there, according to my publishers (which is a decent line to use if you have a penis and you’re trying to kick it with someone).
Possible photo/caption contests, or some kind of contest, because people like contests (this is also according to my publishers, who think they know all sorts of things).
Don’t worry, though. Mostly it will just be ATIAC as it’s been presented to you since time immemorial. In capslock, for no reason, because I enjoy it.
I will be working 55 hours per week every week, though, so if some entries are just a spider crab going “BLEEEAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH” or “PLZ KILL ME I NEED SLEEEEEEEEP” that’s why.
I miss you guys. I do.
Apologies again for the extended absence. Blame Scotland.
Love and kisses and talking fishes,
* I’ve never had kids but I read a lot of science books, so I’m basically a science expert about babies.