4:40 pm - Thu, Jan 10, 2013
954 notes
CHRISTINE, I SAID I WAS SORRY.
CAN I PLEASE COME BACK ON THE MAINLAND?
I’LL NEVER DO IT AGAIN, I PROMISE.

CHRISTINE, I SAID I WAS SORRY.

CAN I PLEASE COME BACK ON THE MAINLAND?

I’LL NEVER DO IT AGAIN, I PROMISE.

7:51 pm - Wed, Jan 9, 2013
5,318 notes
HAVE I SEEN RICK? RICK WHO?
DO YOU MEAN THAT BOISTEROUS LITTLE FELLOW YOU BROUGHT HOME LAST MONTH TO REPLACE ME IN YOUR AFFECTIONS AND TEAR ALL OVER THE HOUSE LIKE SOME SORT OF KIBBLE-FUELED ROCKETSHIP MADE OUT OF PURE ANNOYANCE?
THIS IS GOING TO BE HARD FOR YOU TO HEAR BUT I THINK HE RAN AWAY. SAID SOMETHING ABOUT MONACO AND JUST TOOK RIGHT OFF. BOLD AS BRASS. 
GUESS IT’S JUST YOU AND ME AGAIN. LIKE THE GOOD OLD DAYS. WHY DON’T YOU GO PUT ON YOUR BLANKET ROBE AND I’LL MEET YOU UPSTAIRS IN A FEW MINUTES FOR SOME LIGHT READING AND HEAD SCRATCHES. I’M JUST GOING TO FRESHEN UP AND TAKE OUT THE TRASH REAL QUICK.

HAVE I SEEN RICK? RICK WHO?

DO YOU MEAN THAT BOISTEROUS LITTLE FELLOW YOU BROUGHT HOME LAST MONTH TO REPLACE ME IN YOUR AFFECTIONS AND TEAR ALL OVER THE HOUSE LIKE SOME SORT OF KIBBLE-FUELED ROCKETSHIP MADE OUT OF PURE ANNOYANCE?

THIS IS GOING TO BE HARD FOR YOU TO HEAR BUT I THINK HE RAN AWAY. SAID SOMETHING ABOUT MONACO AND JUST TOOK RIGHT OFF. BOLD AS BRASS. 

GUESS IT’S JUST YOU AND ME AGAIN. LIKE THE GOOD OLD DAYS. WHY DON’T YOU GO PUT ON YOUR BLANKET ROBE AND I’LL MEET YOU UPSTAIRS IN A FEW MINUTES FOR SOME LIGHT READING AND HEAD SCRATCHES. I’M JUST GOING TO FRESHEN UP AND TAKE OUT THE TRASH REAL QUICK.

4:40 pm
1,288 notes
AAAAAAAHHHHH! YOU SHOWED UP! I’M SO EXCITED!
JUST DROP YOUR GUANO ANYWHERE, THEN COME SEE THE KITCHEN!
LINDSAY’S BEEN MAKING THESE LITTLE BEETLE WRAPS SHE READ ABOUT ON SOME BLOG. I DON’T KNOW IF THEY’RE ANY GOOD BUT WE CAN FIND OUT TOGETHER. DINNER SHOULD BE READY IN A LITTLE BIT. DID YOU BRING WINE? IF NOT DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT. WE HAVE TONS!
IT’S SO GOOD TO SEE YOU!

AAAAAAAHHHHH! YOU SHOWED UP! I’M SO EXCITED!

JUST DROP YOUR GUANO ANYWHERE, THEN COME SEE THE KITCHEN!

LINDSAY’S BEEN MAKING THESE LITTLE BEETLE WRAPS SHE READ ABOUT ON SOME BLOG. I DON’T KNOW IF THEY’RE ANY GOOD BUT WE CAN FIND OUT TOGETHER. DINNER SHOULD BE READY IN A LITTLE BIT. DID YOU BRING WINE? IF NOT DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT. WE HAVE TONS!

IT’S SO GOOD TO SEE YOU!

5:41 pm - Tue, Jan 8, 2013
1,289 notes
LAUREN, I KNOW AT TIMES MY ACTIONS CAN BE DIFFICULT FOR YOU, BUT I HAVE NEVER ASKED YOU TO UNDERSTAND MY PASSION FOR SCIENCE. I HAVE ONLY ASKED THAT YOU LOVE ME, AS I SO DEARLY LOVE YOU.
OR SCIENCE. 
AS MUCH AS I LOVE EITHER YOU OR SCIENCE.

LAUREN, I KNOW AT TIMES MY ACTIONS CAN BE DIFFICULT FOR YOU, BUT I HAVE NEVER ASKED YOU TO UNDERSTAND MY PASSION FOR SCIENCE. I HAVE ONLY ASKED THAT YOU LOVE ME, AS I SO DEARLY LOVE YOU.

OR SCIENCE. 

AS MUCH AS I LOVE EITHER YOU OR SCIENCE.

4:40 pm
2,640 notes
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
WHAT? WORK. IT’S 9:30. I’M LATE FOR WORK.
YOU DIDN’T TELL ME YOU LOVE ME BEFORE YOU LEFT! YOU DIDN’T KISS ME TENDERLY ON THE CHEEK!
SORRY. YOU WERE ASLEEP, AND I WAS RUNNING REALLY LATE.
YOU HATE ME! YOU THINK I’M UGLY AND YOU WANT TO SLEEP WITH SOMEONE ELSE!
WHAT? NO, I JUST DON’T WANT TO GET FI-
WHAT’S HER NAME? DOES SHE HAVE A LONGER TAIL THAN ME? HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN SEEING HER?
HONEY, PLEASE. I’M NOT-
DIVORCE! DIVORCE I WANT!
ARE YOU YODA NOW? WE’RE NOT GETTING DIVORCED.
KISS ME RIGHT NOW YOU SON OF A BITCH!

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

WHAT? WORK. IT’S 9:30. I’M LATE FOR WORK.

YOU DIDN’T TELL ME YOU LOVE ME BEFORE YOU LEFT! YOU DIDN’T KISS ME TENDERLY ON THE CHEEK!

SORRY. YOU WERE ASLEEP, AND I WAS RUNNING REALLY LATE.

YOU HATE ME! YOU THINK I’M UGLY AND YOU WANT TO SLEEP WITH SOMEONE ELSE!

WHAT? NO, I JUST DON’T WANT TO GET FI-

WHAT’S HER NAME? DOES SHE HAVE A LONGER TAIL THAN ME? HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN SEEING HER?

HONEY, PLEASE. I’M NOT-

DIVORCE! DIVORCE I WANT!

ARE YOU YODA NOW? WE’RE NOT GETTING DIVORCED.

KISS ME RIGHT NOW YOU SON OF A BITCH!

7:22 pm - Mon, Jan 7, 2013
1,182 notes
JUST LOOK AT IT, CLAIRE. THE ROLLING HILLS, THE SUN-DAPPLED LEAVES, THE RUSTIC CHARM OF IT ALL. IT’S BEAUTIFUL. JUST BEAUTIFUL.
WHY ARE YOU IN SUCH A GOOD MOOD? ARE YOU DRINKING AGAIN?
NO, DOWNTON ABBEY STARTED BACK UP. GOD, IT’S BEEN A DESOLATE TV WASTELAND RECENTLY.

JUST LOOK AT IT, CLAIRE. THE ROLLING HILLS, THE SUN-DAPPLED LEAVES, THE RUSTIC CHARM OF IT ALL. IT’S BEAUTIFUL. JUST BEAUTIFUL.

WHY ARE YOU IN SUCH A GOOD MOOD? ARE YOU DRINKING AGAIN?

NO, DOWNTON ABBEY STARTED BACK UP. GOD, IT’S BEEN A DESOLATE TV WASTELAND RECENTLY.

4:53 pm
437 notes
BUDDY.
HEY, BUDDY?
I DON’T WANT TO BOTHER YOU OR ANYTHING, BUT CAN YOU HELP ME WITH THIS NOOSE? I’M ALL THUMBS WHEN IT COMES TO KNOTS.

BUDDY.

HEY, BUDDY?

I DON’T WANT TO BOTHER YOU OR ANYTHING, BUT CAN YOU HELP ME WITH THIS NOOSE? I’M ALL THUMBS WHEN IT COMES TO KNOTS.

7:22 pm - Fri, Jan 4, 2013
5,097 notes
DAMMMMMMMN, BABY. I LIKE WHAT YOU’RE WORKING WITH. I LIKE A LITTLE MEAT ON MY WOMEN, YOU KNOW? HONESTLY, YOU LOOK GOOD ENOUGH TO EAT, GIRL.
THANK YOU. I’VE SPENT MY WHOLE LIFE JUST WAITING FOR SOME FRIENDLY, RESPECTABLE GENTLEMAN LIKE YOU TO ELOQUENTLY VALIDATE MY EXISTENCE BASED SOLELY ON MY APPEARANCE. NOW IF YOU’LL EXCUSE ME, I’M LATE FOR WORK.
HEY NOW, DON’T BE LIKE THAT. I WASN’T JUST BLOWING SMOKE UP YOUR FINE ASS. I MEANT THAT LITERALLY.
I KNOW. IT’S A MEASURE OF THE PROFOUND MALAISE IN OUR SOCIETY WHEN YOU THINK YOU’RE FLATTERING ME WHILE MAKING ME FEEL DECIDEDLY UNSAFE IN BROAD DAYLIGHT.
WHY CAN’T YOU JUST TAKE A COMPLIMENT?
BECAUSE YOU CAN’T TAKE A HINT.

DAMMMMMMMN, BABY. I LIKE WHAT YOU’RE WORKING WITH. I LIKE A LITTLE MEAT ON MY WOMEN, YOU KNOW? HONESTLY, YOU LOOK GOOD ENOUGH TO EAT, GIRL.

THANK YOU. I’VE SPENT MY WHOLE LIFE JUST WAITING FOR SOME FRIENDLY, RESPECTABLE GENTLEMAN LIKE YOU TO ELOQUENTLY VALIDATE MY EXISTENCE BASED SOLELY ON MY APPEARANCE. NOW IF YOU’LL EXCUSE ME, I’M LATE FOR WORK.

HEY NOW, DON’T BE LIKE THAT. I WASN’T JUST BLOWING SMOKE UP YOUR FINE ASS. I MEANT THAT LITERALLY.

I KNOW. IT’S A MEASURE OF THE PROFOUND MALAISE IN OUR SOCIETY WHEN YOU THINK YOU’RE FLATTERING ME WHILE MAKING ME FEEL DECIDEDLY UNSAFE IN BROAD DAYLIGHT.

WHY CAN’T YOU JUST TAKE A COMPLIMENT?

BECAUSE YOU CAN’T TAKE A HINT.

4:40 pm
1,349 notes
TAKE ANOTHER STEP, TOUGH GUY, AND I WILL PULL SOME SHIT THAT WOULD MAKE JASON STATHAM SHIT IN HIS PANTS.
YOU TOO, BUTTERCUP. JUST BACK OFF. YOU DON’T WANT TO TEST ME TODAY.

TAKE ANOTHER STEP, TOUGH GUY, AND I WILL PULL SOME SHIT THAT WOULD MAKE JASON STATHAM SHIT IN HIS PANTS.

YOU TOO, BUTTERCUP. JUST BACK OFF. YOU DON’T WANT TO TEST ME TODAY.

7:20 pm - Thu, Jan 3, 2013
1,451 notes
' CAUSE BABY TONIGHT! THE DJ GOT US FALLING IN LOVE AGAIN! YEAH BABY, TONIGHT! THE DJ GOT US FALLING IN LOVE AGAIN!
SO DANCE (DANCE) LIKE IT’S THE LAST (LAST) NIGHT OF YOUR LIFE (LIFE)!
WILL YOU TWO STOP FUCKING AROUND AND MARCH? IT’S LIKE, ANOTHER TWELVE HOURS TO THE BEACH. 
JUST IGNORE THEM, SHARON. THEY’RE JUVENILE MALES.

' CAUSE BABY TONIGHT! THE DJ GOT US FALLING IN LOVE AGAIN! YEAH BABY, TONIGHT! THE DJ GOT US FALLING IN LOVE AGAIN!

SO DANCE (DANCE) LIKE IT’S THE LAST (LAST) NIGHT OF YOUR LIFE (LIFE)!

WILL YOU TWO STOP FUCKING AROUND AND MARCH? IT’S LIKE, ANOTHER TWELVE HOURS TO THE BEACH. 

JUST IGNORE THEM, SHARON. THEY’RE JUVENILE MALES.

4:40 pm
2,703 notes
THERE’S NO WAY I’M LETTING YOU WALK ME IN THAT OUTFIT.
THAT’S “FASHION” THE WAY A WHITE CASTLE HAMBURGER IS “BEEF”.

THERE’S NO WAY I’M LETTING YOU WALK ME IN THAT OUTFIT.

THAT’S “FASHION” THE WAY A WHITE CASTLE HAMBURGER IS “BEEF”.

7:37 pm - Wed, Jan 2, 2013
3,361 notes
I DON’T WANT THIS TO TURN INTO A FIGHT OR ANYTHING, BUT I THINK I’M GOING TO MOVE OUT.
WE JUST HAVE REALLY DIFFERENT INTERESTS.

I DON’T WANT THIS TO TURN INTO A FIGHT OR ANYTHING, BUT I THINK I’M GOING TO MOVE OUT.

WE JUST HAVE REALLY DIFFERENT INTERESTS.

4:24 pm
759 notes
OHHHHHH! RANDY! BRO! YOU LOOK LIKE MILEY CYRUS, BRO! AND NOT IN A GOOD WAY!
WE’RE BUYING A LOCK FOR THE SCISSORS AND TRIMMERS DRAWER BEFORE WE BUY ANY MORE JÄGER, BUDDY! 
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB!

OHHHHHH! RANDY! BRO! YOU LOOK LIKE MILEY CYRUS, BRO! AND NOT IN A GOOD WAY!

WE’RE BUYING A LOCK FOR THE SCISSORS AND TRIMMERS DRAWER BEFORE WE BUY ANY MORE JÄGER, BUDDY! 

YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB!

7:20 pm - Tue, Jan 1, 2013
2,631 notes
IT JUST DOESN’T EVEN REGISTER. TO HER, ALL MY HONEY IS OUR HONEY, BUT ANY HONEY SHE GETS IS HER HONEY. I DON’T SEE A DROP OF IT. I BRING HOME ENOUGH FOR THE BOTH OF US, BUT DO I GET A LITTLE HELP? A LITTLE KICKBACK WHEN SHE’S GOT SOME EXTRA?
Nope, not a drop. My wife’s the exact same way.
YOU GATHER HONEY?
No, money, but the concept is incredibly similar.

IT JUST DOESN’T EVEN REGISTER. TO HER, ALL MY HONEY IS OUR HONEY, BUT ANY HONEY SHE GETS IS HER HONEY. I DON’T SEE A DROP OF IT. I BRING HOME ENOUGH FOR THE BOTH OF US, BUT DO I GET A LITTLE HELP? A LITTLE KICKBACK WHEN SHE’S GOT SOME EXTRA?

Nope, not a drop. My wife’s the exact same way.

YOU GATHER HONEY?

No, money, but the concept is incredibly similar.

3:59 pm
1,592 notes
FUCK OFF, CREEPER! PUT THE CAMERA PHONE AWAY! THERE ISN’T EVEN ANY SERVICE ON THE BEACH! I KNOW YOU’RE NOT TEXTING!
THEY WRITE LAW & ORDER: SVU EPISODES ABOUT SHIT LIKE THIS! WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU?

FUCK OFF, CREEPER! PUT THE CAMERA PHONE AWAY! THERE ISN’T EVEN ANY SERVICE ON THE BEACH! I KNOW YOU’RE NOT TEXTING!

THEY WRITE LAW & ORDER: SVU EPISODES ABOUT SHIT LIKE THIS! WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU?

Install Headline