ANIMALS TALKING IN ALL CAPS

YOU SEE THAT, DONALD? THAT’S A HERD OF ANTELOPE. WE’RE GOING TO EAT THEM. DO YOU KNOW WHY WE’RE GOING TO EAT THEM?

BECAUSE WE’RE HUNGRY?

NO, BECAUSE THEY DIDN’T GO TO COLLEGE. THAT’S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DON’T GO TO COLLEGE. YOU DIE SCREAMING IN A FIELD. NOW LET’S EAT. AFTER THAT YOU’RE GOING TO FINISH YOUR HOMEWORK.

THAT IS AN EXCELLENT QUESTION, MA’AM. GLAD YOU ASKED.

YES, WOMEN WHO ARE MENSTRUATING MAY STILL VOTE, BUT SHOULD USE THE SPECIALLY DESIGNED ‘MOON TIME’ BOOTHS LOCATED AT THE REAR OF THE FACILITIES SO AS TO AVOID TOUCHING ANY OF THE VOTING MACHINES MANUFACTURED BY COMPANIES IN WHICH GOVERNOR ROMNEY MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE INVESTMENTS. THE VOTES WILL NOT BE COUNTED, OF COURSE, FOR AS IT STATES IN THE BOOK OF LEVI YOU MUST BE KEPT APART FOR SEVEN DAYS, BUT THEY WILL BE TALLIED BEFORE THE BOOTHS ARE BURNED AND THE MEN BATHE AND PRAY TO WASH THE UNCLEANLINESS OF YOUR MENSES FROM THEM. THOSE ‘MOON VOTES’ WILL BE KEPT IN BINDERS. WE’RE VERY BIG ON BINDERS.

ALSO, THANKS TO FURTHER FLEXIBLE SCHEDULING INTIATIVES RECENTLY PUT FORTH IN A REPUBLICAN HOUSE BILL, THE HOLDING PENS PRESIDENT ROMNEY INTENDS TO BUILD IF HE IS ELECTED WOULD ALLOW UNCLEAN WOMEN TO BE SAFELY HERDED TOGETHER DURING THE RECURRING WEEK OF THEIR MOON BLOOD WITHOUT MISSING ANY OF THE WORK SO GRACIOUSLY PROVIDED BY THE JOB CREATORS IN THIS FINE NATION. 

THANK YOU, AND WE’LL SEE YOU AT THE POLLS.

WE’RE DISAPPOINTED IN YOU, BILLY.

VERY DISAPPOINTED.

SO DISAPPOINTED.

JUST TOTALLY DISAPPOINTED.

IT’S A REAL DISAPPOINTMENT.

I JUST THINK IT’S INCREDIBLY DISAPPOINTING, TO BE HONEST.

YES, I WOULD SAY I FEEL DISAPPOINTED ABOUT IT.

VERY DISAPPOINTED.

MOM, DAD, IT WAS A B+ … IN HANDWRITING.

EXACTLY.

SO YOU CAN SEE WHY WE’RE DISAPPOINTED.

YEAH, BEN WENT TO GO GET MORE TEQUILA. HE SHOULD BE BACK IN LIKE, FIFTEEN MINUTES.

IF YOU WANT THERE’S SOME CORONAS IN THE COOLER. THEY WON’T GET YOU DRUNK BUT IF YOU SHOVE ABOUT SEVEN LIME WEDGES IN THERE THEY STOP TASTING LIKE GENTLY CARBONATED WATER AND ARE ALMOST KIND OF GOOD.

FINALLY. WE’VE BEEN DRIVING FOR DAYS. 

I AM GOING TO BUY SO MANY FLÖRGS AND BJÅRNBLÛBS IT WILL MAKE YOUR FACE FALL OFF OF YOUR FACE.

OH, AND DON’T LET ME FORGET LITTLE LIGHTBULBS FOR MY SLÖLM.

HEY MAAAAAARK?

MARK HONEY?

MAAAAAAAARK!

MARK BABY I NEEEEEEEEED YOU!

I CAN’T GET THE LID OFF THIS JAAAAAAAAR!

HI GUYS. I’M SO SORRY I’M LATE. LISA LOEB’S ‘STAY’ CAME UP ON SHUFFLE AND I HAD TO SING ALONG TO IT 243 TIMES ON REPEAT. YOU KNOW HOW IT IS.

SO, JOGGING, HUH? LET’S DO THIS. 

ANDREA, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?

BEYONCÉ.

WHAT IS THAT?

BOY DON’T EVEN TOUCH THIS. BOY THIS BEAT IS CRAZY. THIS IS HOW THEY MADE ME, HOUSTON TEXAS BABY! WHO RUN THE WORLD? GIRLS! WHO RUN THE WORLD? GIRLS! 

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT. IS IT A POKEMON OR SOMETHING? DON’T YOU WANT TO BE A DOCTOR OR A LAWYER?

IT’S HOT UP IN HERE! DJ DON’T BE SCARED TO RUN THIS, RUN THIS BACK! I’M REPPING FOR THE GIRLS TAKING OVER THE WORLD, LET ME RAISE A GLASS FOR THE COLLEGE GRADS!

THAT’S GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME. LET’S GO GET SOME ICE CREAM

PANTENE’S EXCLUSIVE FORMULAS ARE SPECIALLY DESIGNED TO HELP YOU GET THE LOOK YOU WANT WHILE KEEPING YOUR HAIR HEALTHY, SHINY AND DAMAGE FREE.

WHAT IS THAT SMELL? MARIJUANA? ANGEL DUSTS? ECSTASY? ARE YOU SMOKING ECSTASY? DON’T LIE TO ME! I KNOW WHAT’S GOING ON! I WATCH THE NEWS!

IT’S COLOGNE, MOM. YOU BOUGHT IT FOR ME FOR CHRISTMAS. I ALSO THINK WE NEED TO HAVE A TALK ABOUT WHICH NEWS STATIONS YOU WATCH. YOU’RE ABOUT AS INFORMED ABOUT THE DRUG MENACE AS YOU ARE ABOUT THE ELECTION.

HOLY SHIT. STEVE THE TUBE. I HAVEN’T SEEN YOU SINCE HIGH SCHOOL. HOW ARE YOU? STILL A TUBE I SEE. THAT’S COOL. I’M IN ADVERTISING NOW. I WORK DOWN ON 35TH.

DAD, WHAT IS MOM DOING?

WELL, JESSICA, I BELIEVE SHE’S TWERKING. YES. YES, SHE’S DEFINITELY TWERKING IT.

IS IT BECAUSE SHE HAD TWO ‘PERFECT MARGARITAS’ AT APPLEBEE’S?

YEP. UNDERNEATH THAT SENSIBLE AND RESERVED EXTERIOR SHE’S A BUBBLING CAULDRON OF P-POPPING AND BOOTY CLAPS. ALL IT TAKES IS TWO DRINKS. IT’S A BIG PART OF WHY I MARRIED HER.

CAN I TWERK TOO?

NOT UNLESS YOU WANT TO BE GROUNDED UNTIL YOU’RE OLD ENOUGH TO DRINK. COME ON, LET’S GO WATCH TV. SHE’LL BE DOING THAT FOR QUITE A WHILE.

DO ME A FAVOR AND WAKE ME UP WHEN WE GET TO BEAVERTON, WOULD YOU? I DIDN’T HAVE TIME TO GRAB COFFEE THIS MORNING.

AND WATCH YOUR SHOES, THERE’S A PUDDLE.

COULD BE SNAPPLE OR SOMETHING, BUT LET’S BE HONEST, IT’S PROBABLY PEE.

DON’T MAKE THAT FACE. AT LEAST THEY HAD THE DECENCY TO GO ON THE FLOOR. IF YOU’VE NEVER HAD THE EXPERIENCE OF SITTING IN SOMEONE ELSE’S PEE PUDDLE YOU’RE ACTUALLY A PRIVILEGED MINORITY IN THE WIDE WORLD OF PUBLIC TRANSIT.

I WAS THINKING ECRU FOR THE CURTAINS.

MAYBE SOMETHING IN A SOFT SEAFOAM FOR THE COUCH. 

COME BACK HERE. WHY YOU BREAK MY HEART INTO PIECES?

WHERE YOU GO? OUT WITH BOY?

WHAT YOU DO? WHEN YOU COME HOME?

… GO THEN. PUT SALT INTO THE FIELDS OF MY LOVE FOR YOU.