7:37 pm - Wed, Jan 2, 2013
3,361 notes
I DON’T WANT THIS TO TURN INTO A FIGHT OR ANYTHING, BUT I THINK I’M GOING TO MOVE OUT.
WE JUST HAVE REALLY DIFFERENT INTERESTS.

I DON’T WANT THIS TO TURN INTO A FIGHT OR ANYTHING, BUT I THINK I’M GOING TO MOVE OUT.

WE JUST HAVE REALLY DIFFERENT INTERESTS.

4:24 pm
760 notes
OHHHHHH! RANDY! BRO! YOU LOOK LIKE MILEY CYRUS, BRO! AND NOT IN A GOOD WAY!
WE’RE BUYING A LOCK FOR THE SCISSORS AND TRIMMERS DRAWER BEFORE WE BUY ANY MORE JÄGER, BUDDY! 
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB!

OHHHHHH! RANDY! BRO! YOU LOOK LIKE MILEY CYRUS, BRO! AND NOT IN A GOOD WAY!

WE’RE BUYING A LOCK FOR THE SCISSORS AND TRIMMERS DRAWER BEFORE WE BUY ANY MORE JÄGER, BUDDY! 

YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB!

7:20 pm - Tue, Jan 1, 2013
2,631 notes
IT JUST DOESN’T EVEN REGISTER. TO HER, ALL MY HONEY IS OUR HONEY, BUT ANY HONEY SHE GETS IS HER HONEY. I DON’T SEE A DROP OF IT. I BRING HOME ENOUGH FOR THE BOTH OF US, BUT DO I GET A LITTLE HELP? A LITTLE KICKBACK WHEN SHE’S GOT SOME EXTRA?
Nope, not a drop. My wife’s the exact same way.
YOU GATHER HONEY?
No, money, but the concept is incredibly similar.

IT JUST DOESN’T EVEN REGISTER. TO HER, ALL MY HONEY IS OUR HONEY, BUT ANY HONEY SHE GETS IS HER HONEY. I DON’T SEE A DROP OF IT. I BRING HOME ENOUGH FOR THE BOTH OF US, BUT DO I GET A LITTLE HELP? A LITTLE KICKBACK WHEN SHE’S GOT SOME EXTRA?

Nope, not a drop. My wife’s the exact same way.

YOU GATHER HONEY?

No, money, but the concept is incredibly similar.

3:59 pm
1,592 notes
FUCK OFF, CREEPER! PUT THE CAMERA PHONE AWAY! THERE ISN’T EVEN ANY SERVICE ON THE BEACH! I KNOW YOU’RE NOT TEXTING!
THEY WRITE LAW & ORDER: SVU EPISODES ABOUT SHIT LIKE THIS! WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU?

FUCK OFF, CREEPER! PUT THE CAMERA PHONE AWAY! THERE ISN’T EVEN ANY SERVICE ON THE BEACH! I KNOW YOU’RE NOT TEXTING!

THEY WRITE LAW & ORDER: SVU EPISODES ABOUT SHIT LIKE THIS! WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU?

7:08 pm - Mon, Dec 31, 2012
737 notes
I’M REALLY TERRIBLE AT SUDOKU.
LIKE, HONESTLY. I JUST CAN’T DO IT AT ALL.

I’M REALLY TERRIBLE AT SUDOKU.

LIKE, HONESTLY. I JUST CAN’T DO IT AT ALL.

4:06 pm
45,361 notes
HEY.
HI.
HOW WAS WORK?
DID YOU GET A BOYFRIEND?
YOU LOOK GREAT.
YOU REALLY DO.
HI.
WELCOME HOME.
NICE TO SEE YOU.
ANY HUNKY DUDES AT THE OLD WORKPLACE?
HOW’S THE WEATHER?
I SHIT IN THE CLOSET.
WANT TO GO ON THE INTERNET?
I LOVE THE INTERNET.
HOW WAS WORK?
I’M HUNGRY.
WE MISSED YOU.
I’M HUNGRY TOO.
YOU LOOK STUNNING.
ALL MATTER IS MERELY ENERGY CONDENSED TO A SLOW VIBRATION.
LET’S WATCH TV.
HOW WAS WORK?

HEY.

HI.

HOW WAS WORK?

DID YOU GET A BOYFRIEND?

YOU LOOK GREAT.

YOU REALLY DO.

HI.

WELCOME HOME.

NICE TO SEE YOU.

ANY HUNKY DUDES AT THE OLD WORKPLACE?

HOW’S THE WEATHER?

I SHIT IN THE CLOSET.

WANT TO GO ON THE INTERNET?

I LOVE THE INTERNET.

HOW WAS WORK?

I’M HUNGRY.

WE MISSED YOU.

I’M HUNGRY TOO.

YOU LOOK STUNNING.

ALL MATTER IS MERELY ENERGY CONDENSED TO A SLOW VIBRATION.

LET’S WATCH TV.

HOW WAS WORK?

10:28 am - Tue, Dec 25, 2012
1,567 notes
LOOK AT THIS THING, WOULD YOU? IT’S CRAZY.
BARELY MAKES ANY SENSE, TO BE HONEST.
NATURE IS SO FUCKED UP.
I KNOW, RIGHT?

LOOK AT THIS THING, WOULD YOU? IT’S CRAZY.

BARELY MAKES ANY SENSE, TO BE HONEST.

NATURE IS SO FUCKED UP.

I KNOW, RIGHT?

3:36 pm - Mon, Dec 24, 2012
15,106 notes
OH, SURE. MAKE ME OUT TO BE THE BAD GUY HERE. I THOUGHT I’D HAVE A *COUPLE* OF LITTLE VODKAS BEFORE I CAME OVER AND SAT THROUGH GRANDMA’S RACIST MONOLOGUES AND UNCLE PAUL’S FOX NEWS TALKING POINTS. IS THAT A CRIME? AM I A CRIMINAL NOW? IS THIS THE … CRIME PLACE?
AM I EVEN AT THE RIGHT HOUSE? IT MIGHT BE ALL THE ALCOHOL BUT THE FOOD IS ACTUALLY KIND OF DELICIOUS FOR ONCE.
IF NOT, DO YOU MIND IF I STAY ANYWAY? I PROBABLY SHOULDN’T BE DRIVING.

OH, SURE. MAKE ME OUT TO BE THE BAD GUY HERE. I THOUGHT I’D HAVE A *COUPLE* OF LITTLE VODKAS BEFORE I CAME OVER AND SAT THROUGH GRANDMA’S RACIST MONOLOGUES AND UNCLE PAUL’S FOX NEWS TALKING POINTS. IS THAT A CRIME? AM I A CRIMINAL NOW? IS THIS THE … CRIME PLACE?

AM I EVEN AT THE RIGHT HOUSE? IT MIGHT BE ALL THE ALCOHOL BUT THE FOOD IS ACTUALLY KIND OF DELICIOUS FOR ONCE.

IF NOT, DO YOU MIND IF I STAY ANYWAY? I PROBABLY SHOULDN’T BE DRIVING.

11:15 pm - Fri, Dec 21, 2012
1,169 notes
THE HOLIDAYS ARE THE ABSOLUTE WORST. EVERY COOKIE OR LOVER I EAT GOES STRAIGHT TO MY ASS.
I’M JOINING A GYM RIGHT AFTER CHRISTMAS. I MEAN IT THIS TIME.

THE HOLIDAYS ARE THE ABSOLUTE WORST. EVERY COOKIE OR LOVER I EAT GOES STRAIGHT TO MY ASS.

I’M JOINING A GYM RIGHT AFTER CHRISTMAS. I MEAN IT THIS TIME.

7:27 pm - Thu, Dec 20, 2012
1,231 notes
LADY, BY YONDER BLESSED MOON I SWEAR THAT TIPS WITH SILVER ALL THESE FRUIT TREE TOPS-
O, SWEAR NOT BY THE MOON, THE INCONSTANT MOON,THAT MONTHLY CHANGES IN HER CIRCLED ORB, LEST THAT THY LOVE PROVE LIKEWISE VARIABLE.
Um, excuse me. I’m right here. That was incredibly rude.
SHUT UP! CAN’T YOU SEE WE’RE TRYING TO HAVE A CONVERSATION?
No, you shut up. You’re like … thirteen. I’m the moon. I’m old as balls.

LADY, BY YONDER BLESSED MOON I SWEAR THAT TIPS WITH SILVER ALL THESE FRUIT TREE TOPS-

O, SWEAR NOT BY THE MOON, THE INCONSTANT MOON,THAT MONTHLY CHANGES IN HER CIRCLED ORB, LEST THAT THY LOVE PROVE LIKEWISE VARIABLE.

Um, excuse me. I’m right here. That was incredibly rude.

SHUT UP! CAN’T YOU SEE WE’RE TRYING TO HAVE A CONVERSATION?

No, you shut up. You’re like … thirteen. I’m the moon. I’m old as balls.

4:45 pm
1,731 notes
UGH, WAIT. IT’S A MENTHOL?
NEVERMIND, MAN. THANKS ANYWAY.

UGH, WAIT. IT’S A MENTHOL?

NEVERMIND, MAN. THANKS ANYWAY.

7:20 pm - Wed, Dec 19, 2012
4,244 notes
MOM, SERIOUSLY! STOP! I’VE GOT LIKE … FORTY POUNDS OF PRODUCT IN MY HAIR RIGHT NOW! IT’S A “MESSY LOOK” OKAY? THERE’S NOTHING TO FIX! I STYLE IT LIKE THAT ON PURPOSE TO AFFECT AN AIR OF UNCONCERNED NONCHALANCE AND EFFORTLESS COOL!

MOM, SERIOUSLY! STOP! I’VE GOT LIKE … FORTY POUNDS OF PRODUCT IN MY HAIR RIGHT NOW! IT’S A “MESSY LOOK” OKAY? THERE’S NOTHING TO FIX! I STYLE IT LIKE THAT ON PURPOSE TO AFFECT AN AIR OF UNCONCERNED NONCHALANCE AND EFFORTLESS COOL!

4:40 pm
3,217 notes
I’m here with Snap Clawson, a local lake resident, to speak about this weekend’s tragic events. Mr. Clawson?
WELL, LIKE I SAID, IT’S SHOCKING, AND OBVIOUSLY ANY SENSIBLE CRUSTACEAN HOPES SOMETHING LIKE THAT NEVER HAPPENS AGAIN, BUT AT THE END OF THE DAY IT’S NOT ABOUT ME AT ALL AND I THINK OFFERING MY UNSOLICITED OPINION, EVEN JUST SOME ROTE OUTPOURING OF PRAYER OR CONDOLENCES, ONLY CONTRIBUTES TO THE PROFOUND NARCISSISM OF THE MODERN AGE. IN A TIME OF SENSELESS TRAGEDY I THINK IT’S BEST TO JUST GO HOME, TURN OFF THE COMPUTER OR THE TV AND REFLECT ON THE EVENTS FOR A COUPLE OF DAYS WHILE PROFESSIONALS GATHER ACTUAL FACTS, INSTEAD OF IMMEDIATELY TOSSING YOUR TWO CENTS IN THE RING OR CLIMBING UP ON A SOAPBOX. I’M NO EXPERT … ON ANYTHING REALLY … AND I THINK THE WHOLE SITUATION AND THE WAY IT’S HANDLED SHOULD BE ABOUT THE FAMILIES, WHO PROBABLY JUST WANT TO BE LEFT ALONE IN THEIR GRIEF RATHER THAN BOMBARDED WITH POINTLESSLY HORRIFIC NEWSCASTS OR INTERNET MEMES THAT WON’T DO ANYTHING TO BRING BACK THEIR LOVED ONES. IT JUST SEEMS MORE RESPECTFUL TO STAY QUIET AND GET TO WORK ON CHANGING THE LEGISLATURE OR THE CULTURE THROUGH LEGITIMATE ACTION RATHER THAN MAKING BOILERPLATE FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATES OR INTERVIEWS LIKE THIS ONE.
THAT BEING SAID, I DO HOPE THAT FISHERMAN ROTS IN HELL.
Indeed. Thanks so much for that exceedingly rare opinion. Back to you, Jim.

I’m here with Snap Clawson, a local lake resident, to speak about this weekend’s tragic events. Mr. Clawson?

WELL, LIKE I SAID, IT’S SHOCKING, AND OBVIOUSLY ANY SENSIBLE CRUSTACEAN HOPES SOMETHING LIKE THAT NEVER HAPPENS AGAIN, BUT AT THE END OF THE DAY IT’S NOT ABOUT ME AT ALL AND I THINK OFFERING MY UNSOLICITED OPINION, EVEN JUST SOME ROTE OUTPOURING OF PRAYER OR CONDOLENCES, ONLY CONTRIBUTES TO THE PROFOUND NARCISSISM OF THE MODERN AGE. IN A TIME OF SENSELESS TRAGEDY I THINK IT’S BEST TO JUST GO HOME, TURN OFF THE COMPUTER OR THE TV AND REFLECT ON THE EVENTS FOR A COUPLE OF DAYS WHILE PROFESSIONALS GATHER ACTUAL FACTS, INSTEAD OF IMMEDIATELY TOSSING YOUR TWO CENTS IN THE RING OR CLIMBING UP ON A SOAPBOX. I’M NO EXPERT … ON ANYTHING REALLY … AND I THINK THE WHOLE SITUATION AND THE WAY IT’S HANDLED SHOULD BE ABOUT THE FAMILIES, WHO PROBABLY JUST WANT TO BE LEFT ALONE IN THEIR GRIEF RATHER THAN BOMBARDED WITH POINTLESSLY HORRIFIC NEWSCASTS OR INTERNET MEMES THAT WON’T DO ANYTHING TO BRING BACK THEIR LOVED ONES. IT JUST SEEMS MORE RESPECTFUL TO STAY QUIET AND GET TO WORK ON CHANGING THE LEGISLATURE OR THE CULTURE THROUGH LEGITIMATE ACTION RATHER THAN MAKING BOILERPLATE FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATES OR INTERVIEWS LIKE THIS ONE.

THAT BEING SAID, I DO HOPE THAT FISHERMAN ROTS IN HELL.

Indeed. Thanks so much for that exceedingly rare opinion. Back to you, Jim.

4:36 pm - Tue, Dec 18, 2012
1,307 notes
THEN MY WIFE’S LIKE, “RICK, I THINK THE MAGIC’S GONE,” LIKE THERE’S ANYTHING I CAN SAY IN RESPONSE TO THAT, SO SHE’S PROBABLY GONNA DIVORCE ME SOON. I BUST MY HUMP FORTY, FIFTY HOURS A WEEK. I GOT AN ULCER. WHO’S GOT TIME TO MAINTAIN “THE MAGIC” RIGHT? MAKES ME WISH I HADN’T SPENT SO MUCH MONEY REBUILDING THE NEST, THOUGH. AND THE TIMING! THE KIDS ARE ALMOST IN COLLEGE. I WAS LOOKING FORWARD TO HAVING A LITTLE PEACE AND QUIET AROUND THE PLACE. A GOOD NIGHT’S SLEEP, MAYBE. IT’S WORTH THE TUITION JUST TO BE ABLE TO PUT MY TAIL UP AND HAVE SOME SEEDS AFTER WORK, BUT IF MAGGIE’S GONNA SPLIT WITH MY SAVINGS I CAN JUST KISS THAT DAYDREAM GOODBYE. SHE’LL GET THE WHOLE TREE AND I’LL END UP LIVING IN A BUSH DOWN BY THE FREEWAY, KICKING HALF MY PAYCHECKS TO THE UNIVERSITY OR THE MORTGAGE. IT’S NOTHING BUT HEADACHES, THIS WHOLE FAMILY THING. ONE AFTER THE OTHER! YOU’RE SMART TO HAVE STAYED SINGLE. I ALWAYS SAY THAT. AND DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WORK! I SWEAR, BETWEEN THE NEW PROJECT MANAGER AND THAT IDIOT IN TECH SUPPORT I’M ABOUT READY TO RIP MY FEATHERS OUT. IT’S TORTURE IS WHAT IT IS. DAILY TORTURE.

THEN MY WIFE’S LIKE, “RICK, I THINK THE MAGIC’S GONE,” LIKE THERE’S ANYTHING I CAN SAY IN RESPONSE TO THAT, SO SHE’S PROBABLY GONNA DIVORCE ME SOON. I BUST MY HUMP FORTY, FIFTY HOURS A WEEK. I GOT AN ULCER. WHO’S GOT TIME TO MAINTAIN “THE MAGIC” RIGHT? MAKES ME WISH I HADN’T SPENT SO MUCH MONEY REBUILDING THE NEST, THOUGH. AND THE TIMING! THE KIDS ARE ALMOST IN COLLEGE. I WAS LOOKING FORWARD TO HAVING A LITTLE PEACE AND QUIET AROUND THE PLACE. A GOOD NIGHT’S SLEEP, MAYBE. IT’S WORTH THE TUITION JUST TO BE ABLE TO PUT MY TAIL UP AND HAVE SOME SEEDS AFTER WORK, BUT IF MAGGIE’S GONNA SPLIT WITH MY SAVINGS I CAN JUST KISS THAT DAYDREAM GOODBYE. SHE’LL GET THE WHOLE TREE AND I’LL END UP LIVING IN A BUSH DOWN BY THE FREEWAY, KICKING HALF MY PAYCHECKS TO THE UNIVERSITY OR THE MORTGAGE. IT’S NOTHING BUT HEADACHES, THIS WHOLE FAMILY THING. ONE AFTER THE OTHER! YOU’RE SMART TO HAVE STAYED SINGLE. I ALWAYS SAY THAT. AND DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WORK! I SWEAR, BETWEEN THE NEW PROJECT MANAGER AND THAT IDIOT IN TECH SUPPORT I’M ABOUT READY TO RIP MY FEATHERS OUT. IT’S TORTURE IS WHAT IT IS. DAILY TORTURE.

4:58 pm - Mon, Dec 17, 2012
2,208 notes
SHARON, PLEASE, I LOVE YOU!
JUST COME OUT AND TALK TO ME!
WE CAN WORK IT OUT, I PROMISE!
SHARON!
SHARON, PLEASE!

SHARON, PLEASE, I LOVE YOU!

JUST COME OUT AND TALK TO ME!

WE CAN WORK IT OUT, I PROMISE!

SHARON!

SHARON, PLEASE!

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