7:22 pm - Fri, Jan 4, 2013
5,113 notes
DAMMMMMMMN, BABY. I LIKE WHAT YOU’RE WORKING WITH. I LIKE A LITTLE MEAT ON MY WOMEN, YOU KNOW? HONESTLY, YOU LOOK GOOD ENOUGH TO EAT, GIRL.
THANK YOU. I’VE SPENT MY WHOLE LIFE JUST WAITING FOR SOME FRIENDLY, RESPECTABLE GENTLEMAN LIKE YOU TO ELOQUENTLY VALIDATE MY EXISTENCE BASED SOLELY ON MY APPEARANCE. NOW IF YOU’LL EXCUSE ME, I’M LATE FOR WORK.
HEY NOW, DON’T BE LIKE THAT. I WASN’T JUST BLOWING SMOKE UP YOUR FINE ASS. I MEANT THAT LITERALLY.
I KNOW. IT’S A MEASURE OF THE PROFOUND MALAISE IN OUR SOCIETY WHEN YOU THINK YOU’RE FLATTERING ME WHILE MAKING ME FEEL DECIDEDLY UNSAFE IN BROAD DAYLIGHT.
WHY CAN’T YOU JUST TAKE A COMPLIMENT?
BECAUSE YOU CAN’T TAKE A HINT.

DAMMMMMMMN, BABY. I LIKE WHAT YOU’RE WORKING WITH. I LIKE A LITTLE MEAT ON MY WOMEN, YOU KNOW? HONESTLY, YOU LOOK GOOD ENOUGH TO EAT, GIRL.

THANK YOU. I’VE SPENT MY WHOLE LIFE JUST WAITING FOR SOME FRIENDLY, RESPECTABLE GENTLEMAN LIKE YOU TO ELOQUENTLY VALIDATE MY EXISTENCE BASED SOLELY ON MY APPEARANCE. NOW IF YOU’LL EXCUSE ME, I’M LATE FOR WORK.

HEY NOW, DON’T BE LIKE THAT. I WASN’T JUST BLOWING SMOKE UP YOUR FINE ASS. I MEANT THAT LITERALLY.

I KNOW. IT’S A MEASURE OF THE PROFOUND MALAISE IN OUR SOCIETY WHEN YOU THINK YOU’RE FLATTERING ME WHILE MAKING ME FEEL DECIDEDLY UNSAFE IN BROAD DAYLIGHT.

WHY CAN’T YOU JUST TAKE A COMPLIMENT?

BECAUSE YOU CAN’T TAKE A HINT.

4:40 pm
1,355 notes
TAKE ANOTHER STEP, TOUGH GUY, AND I WILL PULL SOME SHIT THAT WOULD MAKE JASON STATHAM SHIT IN HIS PANTS.
YOU TOO, BUTTERCUP. JUST BACK OFF. YOU DON’T WANT TO TEST ME TODAY.

TAKE ANOTHER STEP, TOUGH GUY, AND I WILL PULL SOME SHIT THAT WOULD MAKE JASON STATHAM SHIT IN HIS PANTS.

YOU TOO, BUTTERCUP. JUST BACK OFF. YOU DON’T WANT TO TEST ME TODAY.

7:20 pm - Thu, Jan 3, 2013
1,461 notes
' CAUSE BABY TONIGHT! THE DJ GOT US FALLING IN LOVE AGAIN! YEAH BABY, TONIGHT! THE DJ GOT US FALLING IN LOVE AGAIN!
SO DANCE (DANCE) LIKE IT’S THE LAST (LAST) NIGHT OF YOUR LIFE (LIFE)!
WILL YOU TWO STOP FUCKING AROUND AND MARCH? IT’S LIKE, ANOTHER TWELVE HOURS TO THE BEACH. 
JUST IGNORE THEM, SHARON. THEY’RE JUVENILE MALES.

' CAUSE BABY TONIGHT! THE DJ GOT US FALLING IN LOVE AGAIN! YEAH BABY, TONIGHT! THE DJ GOT US FALLING IN LOVE AGAIN!

SO DANCE (DANCE) LIKE IT’S THE LAST (LAST) NIGHT OF YOUR LIFE (LIFE)!

WILL YOU TWO STOP FUCKING AROUND AND MARCH? IT’S LIKE, ANOTHER TWELVE HOURS TO THE BEACH. 

JUST IGNORE THEM, SHARON. THEY’RE JUVENILE MALES.

4:40 pm
2,715 notes
THERE’S NO WAY I’M LETTING YOU WALK ME IN THAT OUTFIT.
THAT’S “FASHION” THE WAY A WHITE CASTLE HAMBURGER IS “BEEF”.

THERE’S NO WAY I’M LETTING YOU WALK ME IN THAT OUTFIT.

THAT’S “FASHION” THE WAY A WHITE CASTLE HAMBURGER IS “BEEF”.

7:37 pm - Wed, Jan 2, 2013
3,370 notes
I DON’T WANT THIS TO TURN INTO A FIGHT OR ANYTHING, BUT I THINK I’M GOING TO MOVE OUT.
WE JUST HAVE REALLY DIFFERENT INTERESTS.

I DON’T WANT THIS TO TURN INTO A FIGHT OR ANYTHING, BUT I THINK I’M GOING TO MOVE OUT.

WE JUST HAVE REALLY DIFFERENT INTERESTS.

4:24 pm
765 notes
OHHHHHH! RANDY! BRO! YOU LOOK LIKE MILEY CYRUS, BRO! AND NOT IN A GOOD WAY!
WE’RE BUYING A LOCK FOR THE SCISSORS AND TRIMMERS DRAWER BEFORE WE BUY ANY MORE JÄGER, BUDDY! 
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB!

OHHHHHH! RANDY! BRO! YOU LOOK LIKE MILEY CYRUS, BRO! AND NOT IN A GOOD WAY!

WE’RE BUYING A LOCK FOR THE SCISSORS AND TRIMMERS DRAWER BEFORE WE BUY ANY MORE JÄGER, BUDDY! 

YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB!

7:20 pm - Tue, Jan 1, 2013
2,635 notes
IT JUST DOESN’T EVEN REGISTER. TO HER, ALL MY HONEY IS OUR HONEY, BUT ANY HONEY SHE GETS IS HER HONEY. I DON’T SEE A DROP OF IT. I BRING HOME ENOUGH FOR THE BOTH OF US, BUT DO I GET A LITTLE HELP? A LITTLE KICKBACK WHEN SHE’S GOT SOME EXTRA?
Nope, not a drop. My wife’s the exact same way.
YOU GATHER HONEY?
No, money, but the concept is incredibly similar.

IT JUST DOESN’T EVEN REGISTER. TO HER, ALL MY HONEY IS OUR HONEY, BUT ANY HONEY SHE GETS IS HER HONEY. I DON’T SEE A DROP OF IT. I BRING HOME ENOUGH FOR THE BOTH OF US, BUT DO I GET A LITTLE HELP? A LITTLE KICKBACK WHEN SHE’S GOT SOME EXTRA?

Nope, not a drop. My wife’s the exact same way.

YOU GATHER HONEY?

No, money, but the concept is incredibly similar.

3:59 pm
1,600 notes
FUCK OFF, CREEPER! PUT THE CAMERA PHONE AWAY! THERE ISN’T EVEN ANY SERVICE ON THE BEACH! I KNOW YOU’RE NOT TEXTING!
THEY WRITE LAW & ORDER: SVU EPISODES ABOUT SHIT LIKE THIS! WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU?

FUCK OFF, CREEPER! PUT THE CAMERA PHONE AWAY! THERE ISN’T EVEN ANY SERVICE ON THE BEACH! I KNOW YOU’RE NOT TEXTING!

THEY WRITE LAW & ORDER: SVU EPISODES ABOUT SHIT LIKE THIS! WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU?

7:08 pm - Mon, Dec 31, 2012
745 notes
I’M REALLY TERRIBLE AT SUDOKU.
LIKE, HONESTLY. I JUST CAN’T DO IT AT ALL.

I’M REALLY TERRIBLE AT SUDOKU.

LIKE, HONESTLY. I JUST CAN’T DO IT AT ALL.

4:06 pm
47,538 notes
HEY.
HI.
HOW WAS WORK?
DID YOU GET A BOYFRIEND?
YOU LOOK GREAT.
YOU REALLY DO.
HI.
WELCOME HOME.
NICE TO SEE YOU.
ANY HUNKY DUDES AT THE OLD WORKPLACE?
HOW’S THE WEATHER?
I SHIT IN THE CLOSET.
WANT TO GO ON THE INTERNET?
I LOVE THE INTERNET.
HOW WAS WORK?
I’M HUNGRY.
WE MISSED YOU.
I’M HUNGRY TOO.
YOU LOOK STUNNING.
ALL MATTER IS MERELY ENERGY CONDENSED TO A SLOW VIBRATION.
LET’S WATCH TV.
HOW WAS WORK?

HEY.

HI.

HOW WAS WORK?

DID YOU GET A BOYFRIEND?

YOU LOOK GREAT.

YOU REALLY DO.

HI.

WELCOME HOME.

NICE TO SEE YOU.

ANY HUNKY DUDES AT THE OLD WORKPLACE?

HOW’S THE WEATHER?

I SHIT IN THE CLOSET.

WANT TO GO ON THE INTERNET?

I LOVE THE INTERNET.

HOW WAS WORK?

I’M HUNGRY.

WE MISSED YOU.

I’M HUNGRY TOO.

YOU LOOK STUNNING.

ALL MATTER IS MERELY ENERGY CONDENSED TO A SLOW VIBRATION.

LET’S WATCH TV.

HOW WAS WORK?

10:28 am - Tue, Dec 25, 2012
1,570 notes
LOOK AT THIS THING, WOULD YOU? IT’S CRAZY.
BARELY MAKES ANY SENSE, TO BE HONEST.
NATURE IS SO FUCKED UP.
I KNOW, RIGHT?

LOOK AT THIS THING, WOULD YOU? IT’S CRAZY.

BARELY MAKES ANY SENSE, TO BE HONEST.

NATURE IS SO FUCKED UP.

I KNOW, RIGHT?

3:36 pm - Mon, Dec 24, 2012
15,098 notes
OH, SURE. MAKE ME OUT TO BE THE BAD GUY HERE. I THOUGHT I’D HAVE A *COUPLE* OF LITTLE VODKAS BEFORE I CAME OVER AND SAT THROUGH GRANDMA’S RACIST MONOLOGUES AND UNCLE PAUL’S FOX NEWS TALKING POINTS. IS THAT A CRIME? AM I A CRIMINAL NOW? IS THIS THE … CRIME PLACE?
AM I EVEN AT THE RIGHT HOUSE? IT MIGHT BE ALL THE ALCOHOL BUT THE FOOD IS ACTUALLY KIND OF DELICIOUS FOR ONCE.
IF NOT, DO YOU MIND IF I STAY ANYWAY? I PROBABLY SHOULDN’T BE DRIVING.

OH, SURE. MAKE ME OUT TO BE THE BAD GUY HERE. I THOUGHT I’D HAVE A *COUPLE* OF LITTLE VODKAS BEFORE I CAME OVER AND SAT THROUGH GRANDMA’S RACIST MONOLOGUES AND UNCLE PAUL’S FOX NEWS TALKING POINTS. IS THAT A CRIME? AM I A CRIMINAL NOW? IS THIS THE … CRIME PLACE?

AM I EVEN AT THE RIGHT HOUSE? IT MIGHT BE ALL THE ALCOHOL BUT THE FOOD IS ACTUALLY KIND OF DELICIOUS FOR ONCE.

IF NOT, DO YOU MIND IF I STAY ANYWAY? I PROBABLY SHOULDN’T BE DRIVING.

11:15 pm - Fri, Dec 21, 2012
1,174 notes
THE HOLIDAYS ARE THE ABSOLUTE WORST. EVERY COOKIE OR LOVER I EAT GOES STRAIGHT TO MY ASS.
I’M JOINING A GYM RIGHT AFTER CHRISTMAS. I MEAN IT THIS TIME.

THE HOLIDAYS ARE THE ABSOLUTE WORST. EVERY COOKIE OR LOVER I EAT GOES STRAIGHT TO MY ASS.

I’M JOINING A GYM RIGHT AFTER CHRISTMAS. I MEAN IT THIS TIME.

7:27 pm - Thu, Dec 20, 2012
1,234 notes
LADY, BY YONDER BLESSED MOON I SWEAR THAT TIPS WITH SILVER ALL THESE FRUIT TREE TOPS-
O, SWEAR NOT BY THE MOON, THE INCONSTANT MOON,THAT MONTHLY CHANGES IN HER CIRCLED ORB, LEST THAT THY LOVE PROVE LIKEWISE VARIABLE.
Um, excuse me. I’m right here. That was incredibly rude.
SHUT UP! CAN’T YOU SEE WE’RE TRYING TO HAVE A CONVERSATION?
No, you shut up. You’re like … thirteen. I’m the moon. I’m old as balls.

LADY, BY YONDER BLESSED MOON I SWEAR THAT TIPS WITH SILVER ALL THESE FRUIT TREE TOPS-

O, SWEAR NOT BY THE MOON, THE INCONSTANT MOON,THAT MONTHLY CHANGES IN HER CIRCLED ORB, LEST THAT THY LOVE PROVE LIKEWISE VARIABLE.

Um, excuse me. I’m right here. That was incredibly rude.

SHUT UP! CAN’T YOU SEE WE’RE TRYING TO HAVE A CONVERSATION?

No, you shut up. You’re like … thirteen. I’m the moon. I’m old as balls.

4:45 pm
1,737 notes
UGH, WAIT. IT’S A MENTHOL?
NEVERMIND, MAN. THANKS ANYWAY.

UGH, WAIT. IT’S A MENTHOL?

NEVERMIND, MAN. THANKS ANYWAY.

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