4:36 pm - Tue, Dec 18, 2012
1,310 notes
THEN MY WIFE’S LIKE, “RICK, I THINK THE MAGIC’S GONE,” LIKE THERE’S ANYTHING I CAN SAY IN RESPONSE TO THAT, SO SHE’S PROBABLY GONNA DIVORCE ME SOON. I BUST MY HUMP FORTY, FIFTY HOURS A WEEK. I GOT AN ULCER. WHO’S GOT TIME TO MAINTAIN “THE MAGIC” RIGHT? MAKES ME WISH I HADN’T SPENT SO MUCH MONEY REBUILDING THE NEST, THOUGH. AND THE TIMING! THE KIDS ARE ALMOST IN COLLEGE. I WAS LOOKING FORWARD TO HAVING A LITTLE PEACE AND QUIET AROUND THE PLACE. A GOOD NIGHT’S SLEEP, MAYBE. IT’S WORTH THE TUITION JUST TO BE ABLE TO PUT MY TAIL UP AND HAVE SOME SEEDS AFTER WORK, BUT IF MAGGIE’S GONNA SPLIT WITH MY SAVINGS I CAN JUST KISS THAT DAYDREAM GOODBYE. SHE’LL GET THE WHOLE TREE AND I’LL END UP LIVING IN A BUSH DOWN BY THE FREEWAY, KICKING HALF MY PAYCHECKS TO THE UNIVERSITY OR THE MORTGAGE. IT’S NOTHING BUT HEADACHES, THIS WHOLE FAMILY THING. ONE AFTER THE OTHER! YOU’RE SMART TO HAVE STAYED SINGLE. I ALWAYS SAY THAT. AND DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WORK! I SWEAR, BETWEEN THE NEW PROJECT MANAGER AND THAT IDIOT IN TECH SUPPORT I’M ABOUT READY TO RIP MY FEATHERS OUT. IT’S TORTURE IS WHAT IT IS. DAILY TORTURE.

THEN MY WIFE’S LIKE, “RICK, I THINK THE MAGIC’S GONE,” LIKE THERE’S ANYTHING I CAN SAY IN RESPONSE TO THAT, SO SHE’S PROBABLY GONNA DIVORCE ME SOON. I BUST MY HUMP FORTY, FIFTY HOURS A WEEK. I GOT AN ULCER. WHO’S GOT TIME TO MAINTAIN “THE MAGIC” RIGHT? MAKES ME WISH I HADN’T SPENT SO MUCH MONEY REBUILDING THE NEST, THOUGH. AND THE TIMING! THE KIDS ARE ALMOST IN COLLEGE. I WAS LOOKING FORWARD TO HAVING A LITTLE PEACE AND QUIET AROUND THE PLACE. A GOOD NIGHT’S SLEEP, MAYBE. IT’S WORTH THE TUITION JUST TO BE ABLE TO PUT MY TAIL UP AND HAVE SOME SEEDS AFTER WORK, BUT IF MAGGIE’S GONNA SPLIT WITH MY SAVINGS I CAN JUST KISS THAT DAYDREAM GOODBYE. SHE’LL GET THE WHOLE TREE AND I’LL END UP LIVING IN A BUSH DOWN BY THE FREEWAY, KICKING HALF MY PAYCHECKS TO THE UNIVERSITY OR THE MORTGAGE. IT’S NOTHING BUT HEADACHES, THIS WHOLE FAMILY THING. ONE AFTER THE OTHER! YOU’RE SMART TO HAVE STAYED SINGLE. I ALWAYS SAY THAT. AND DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WORK! I SWEAR, BETWEEN THE NEW PROJECT MANAGER AND THAT IDIOT IN TECH SUPPORT I’M ABOUT READY TO RIP MY FEATHERS OUT. IT’S TORTURE IS WHAT IT IS. DAILY TORTURE.

4:58 pm - Mon, Dec 17, 2012
2,210 notes
SHARON, PLEASE, I LOVE YOU!
JUST COME OUT AND TALK TO ME!
WE CAN WORK IT OUT, I PROMISE!
SHARON!
SHARON, PLEASE!

SHARON, PLEASE, I LOVE YOU!

JUST COME OUT AND TALK TO ME!

WE CAN WORK IT OUT, I PROMISE!

SHARON!

SHARON, PLEASE!

7:35 pm - Fri, Dec 14, 2012
906 notes
HOLY SHIT! IS THAT A MCRIB?!

HOLY SHIT! IS THAT A MCRIB?!

4:40 pm
6,080 notes
MAN, THAT’S NICE.
NICE AND SEASONAL.
JUST REALLY NICE, IN A SEASONAL KIND OF WAY.
WARM TOO.
SUPER WARM.
I THINK IT’S LOVELY, AND ALSO QUITE WARM.
IS THERE ANYTHING MORE PLEASANT, WARM, LOVELY, AND SEASONAL THAN A NICE ROARING FIRE?
NO.
NOPE.
NO, NOT REALLY.
NO. THERE IS NOT.
I STILL CAN’T BELIEVE WE THREW GARY IN THERE, THOUGH.
I STILL CAN’T BELIEVE GARY OWNED, LET ALONE PLAYED, A KENNY CHESNEY CHRISTMAS ALBUM.
HONESTLY. IT’S NOT LIKE WE HAD A CHOICE.
NOPE. HAD TO BE DONE.
IT WAS FOR THE BEST.
ALL THINGS CONSIDERED, IT WAS BOTH MERCIFUL AND FAIR.
WHAT A SEASONAL WAY TO GO.
RIGHT? SUPER SEASONAL.
AND WARM TOO.
WHAT A NICE, WARM, SEASONAL WAY TO GO.

MAN, THAT’S NICE.

NICE AND SEASONAL.

JUST REALLY NICE, IN A SEASONAL KIND OF WAY.

WARM TOO.

SUPER WARM.

I THINK IT’S LOVELY, AND ALSO QUITE WARM.

IS THERE ANYTHING MORE PLEASANT, WARM, LOVELY, AND SEASONAL THAN A NICE ROARING FIRE?

NO.

NOPE.

NO, NOT REALLY.

NO. THERE IS NOT.

I STILL CAN’T BELIEVE WE THREW GARY IN THERE, THOUGH.

I STILL CAN’T BELIEVE GARY OWNED, LET ALONE PLAYED, A KENNY CHESNEY CHRISTMAS ALBUM.

HONESTLY. IT’S NOT LIKE WE HAD A CHOICE.

NOPE. HAD TO BE DONE.

IT WAS FOR THE BEST.

ALL THINGS CONSIDERED, IT WAS BOTH MERCIFUL AND FAIR.

WHAT A SEASONAL WAY TO GO.

RIGHT? SUPER SEASONAL.

AND WARM TOO.

WHAT A NICE, WARM, SEASONAL WAY TO GO.

7:32 pm - Thu, Dec 13, 2012
1,032 notes
YOU GUYS ARE GOING TO THE ARTISAN CHARCUTERIE PLACE?
DAMN IT, I HAVE TO WORK. DOUBLE SHIFTS FOR THE NEXT TWO WEEKS. WE’RE HAVING A CHRISTMAS SALE. OLD TIMEY SHAVING BRUSHES AND RUSTIC POCKET KNIVES ARE HALF OFF. 40% OFF ALL SUSPENDERS AND MONOCLES. IT’S CHAOS. WE CAN’T KEEP THEM IN STOCK. I’D CALL IN BUT TIMES ARE TOUGH, YOU KNOW?
I HAD TO SELL MY PENNYFARTHING LAST YEAR, AND EVEN WITH MY WORK DISCOUNT I CAN BARELY AFFORD MOUSTACHE WAX AND LONG JOHNS EVERY MONTH.
ANYWAY, I’LL SEE YOU AT THE URBAN FARMERS GUILD MEETING THIS WEEKEND. TELL EVELYN I SAID HELLO.

YOU GUYS ARE GOING TO THE ARTISAN CHARCUTERIE PLACE?

DAMN IT, I HAVE TO WORK. DOUBLE SHIFTS FOR THE NEXT TWO WEEKS. WE’RE HAVING A CHRISTMAS SALE. OLD TIMEY SHAVING BRUSHES AND RUSTIC POCKET KNIVES ARE HALF OFF. 40% OFF ALL SUSPENDERS AND MONOCLES. IT’S CHAOS. WE CAN’T KEEP THEM IN STOCK. I’D CALL IN BUT TIMES ARE TOUGH, YOU KNOW?

I HAD TO SELL MY PENNYFARTHING LAST YEAR, AND EVEN WITH MY WORK DISCOUNT I CAN BARELY AFFORD MOUSTACHE WAX AND LONG JOHNS EVERY MONTH.

ANYWAY, I’LL SEE YOU AT THE URBAN FARMERS GUILD MEETING THIS WEEKEND. TELL EVELYN I SAID HELLO.

4:40 pm
2,820 notes
WHERE IS MY LITTLE GREEN BALL WITH THE BELL IN IT, TARA?
I AM UNDER A CONSIDERABLE AMOUNT OF STRESS AT WORK THIS WEEK AND I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR YOUR SELFISH LITTLE POWER GAMES. 
WAKE UP.
ANSWER ME.

WHERE IS MY LITTLE GREEN BALL WITH THE BELL IN IT, TARA?

I AM UNDER A CONSIDERABLE AMOUNT OF STRESS AT WORK THIS WEEK AND I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR YOUR SELFISH LITTLE POWER GAMES. 

WAKE UP.

ANSWER ME.

7:20 pm - Wed, Dec 12, 2012
2,457 notes
HELEN, THOSE KIDS ARE BACK.
WHAT ARE THEY DOING, HONEY?
WELL, TO ME IT LOOKS LIKE PRETTY GRAPHICALLY SIMULATED SEXUAL INTERCOURSE IN POSITIONS AND SPEEDS THAT WOULD PROBABLY GET ‘EM SENT TO THE HOSPITAL IF THEY WAS NAKED, BUT JUDGING BY THE VOLUME OF THE MUSIC I GUESS IT MUST BE DANCING. IF YOU CAN CALL THAT MUSIC.
LEAVE THEM BE, EARL. YOU CUT A PRETTY RAUNCHY CHARLESTON AT THAT AGE, IF MEMORY SERVES.

HELEN, THOSE KIDS ARE BACK.

WHAT ARE THEY DOING, HONEY?

WELL, TO ME IT LOOKS LIKE PRETTY GRAPHICALLY SIMULATED SEXUAL INTERCOURSE IN POSITIONS AND SPEEDS THAT WOULD PROBABLY GET ‘EM SENT TO THE HOSPITAL IF THEY WAS NAKED, BUT JUDGING BY THE VOLUME OF THE MUSIC I GUESS IT MUST BE DANCING. IF YOU CAN CALL THAT MUSIC.

LEAVE THEM BE, EARL. YOU CUT A PRETTY RAUNCHY CHARLESTON AT THAT AGE, IF MEMORY SERVES.

4:40 pm
1,489 notes
WELCOME TO COSTCO, CAN I-
CINDY?
CINDY FINSWICH?
IT’S ME, ALAN. FROM SCHOOL. I WORK HERE ON THE WEEKENDS.
IT’S SO GREAT RUNNING INTO YOU. I’VE ALWAYS WANTED TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT HOW BEAUTIFUL YOU ARE AND THE ELABORATE FANTASY REALM I’VE CONSTRUCTED IN MY HEAD WHERE YOU EXHIBIT A DELIGHTFUL MIXTURE OF TENDERNESS, HUMOR, INTELLECT, AND SMALL MANNERISMS THAT YOU DON’T ACTUALLY EXHIBIT AT ALL IN REAL LIFE, AND HOW REMARKABLY HAPPY WE ARE TOGETHER IN THAT FRAGILE DREAM WORLD.
OR … HOMEWORK. OR TELEVISION, MAYBE.
ANYTHING, REALLY. I’VE JUST ALWAYS WANTED TO TALK TO YOU.
IS IT WARM IN HERE? DO YOU NEED ANY HELP FINDING ANYTHING? I LOVE YOU.

WELCOME TO COSTCO, CAN I-

CINDY?

CINDY FINSWICH?

IT’S ME, ALAN. FROM SCHOOL. I WORK HERE ON THE WEEKENDS.

IT’S SO GREAT RUNNING INTO YOU. I’VE ALWAYS WANTED TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT HOW BEAUTIFUL YOU ARE AND THE ELABORATE FANTASY REALM I’VE CONSTRUCTED IN MY HEAD WHERE YOU EXHIBIT A DELIGHTFUL MIXTURE OF TENDERNESS, HUMOR, INTELLECT, AND SMALL MANNERISMS THAT YOU DON’T ACTUALLY EXHIBIT AT ALL IN REAL LIFE, AND HOW REMARKABLY HAPPY WE ARE TOGETHER IN THAT FRAGILE DREAM WORLD.

OR … HOMEWORK. OR TELEVISION, MAYBE.

ANYTHING, REALLY. I’VE JUST ALWAYS WANTED TO TALK TO YOU.

IS IT WARM IN HERE? DO YOU NEED ANY HELP FINDING ANYTHING? I LOVE YOU.

7:20 pm - Tue, Dec 11, 2012
2,067 notes
WILL DADDY BE AT HOME WHEN WE GET BACK?
NO. I’M AFRAID HE WON’T, MARGARET. I SHOULD BE HONEST WITH YOU. IT’S NOT A BUSINESS TRIP. YOUR FATHER MET A STEWARDESS AND LET HIS LOINS GUIDE HIM RIGHT OUT OF OUR LIVES. THE FOOL. THE DAMNED FOOL.
WILL HE BE HOME FOR CHRISTMAS?
NOT UNLESS HE WANTS TO GET HIS WORTHLESS, FILTHY LITTLE SCHMECKEL SLOWLY REMOVED WITH AN OYSTER KNIFE.
WHAT?
NOTHING DARLING. MOMMY’S JUST RAMBLING.

WILL DADDY BE AT HOME WHEN WE GET BACK?

NO. I’M AFRAID HE WON’T, MARGARET. I SHOULD BE HONEST WITH YOU. IT’S NOT A BUSINESS TRIP. YOUR FATHER MET A STEWARDESS AND LET HIS LOINS GUIDE HIM RIGHT OUT OF OUR LIVES. THE FOOL. THE DAMNED FOOL.

WILL HE BE HOME FOR CHRISTMAS?

NOT UNLESS HE WANTS TO GET HIS WORTHLESS, FILTHY LITTLE SCHMECKEL SLOWLY REMOVED WITH AN OYSTER KNIFE.

WHAT?

NOTHING DARLING. MOMMY’S JUST RAMBLING.

4:40 pm
2,329 notes
ERIK, WAIT. STOP.
YOU CAN’T KEEP THREATENING TO LEAVE EVERY TIME YOU’RE UPSET.
JUST TURN THE CAR OFF. LET’S TALK IT OVER.

ERIK, WAIT. STOP.

YOU CAN’T KEEP THREATENING TO LEAVE EVERY TIME YOU’RE UPSET.

JUST TURN THE CAR OFF. LET’S TALK IT OVER.

7:20 pm - Mon, Dec 10, 2012
1,189 notes
RIGHT THERE. GUM WRAPPER.
YOUR GUM WRAPPER, I BELIEVE?
I DON’T KNOW HOW YOU DO THINGS IN THE BIG CITY, FRIEND, BUT AROUND HERE WE DON’T HARM THE CHARM.
EVERY LITTER BIT HURTS.

RIGHT THERE. GUM WRAPPER.

YOUR GUM WRAPPER, I BELIEVE?

I DON’T KNOW HOW YOU DO THINGS IN THE BIG CITY, FRIEND, BUT AROUND HERE WE DON’T HARM THE CHARM.

EVERY LITTER BIT HURTS.

4:40 pm
1,848 notes
THEY DIDN’T HAVE BOOTS IN MY SIZE ANYWHERE?

NO, THAT’S FINE. IT’S JUST-

I DON’T WANT PEOPLE THINKING I’M NOT FESTIVE.

I HAVE AN IMMENSE AMOUNT OF HOLIDAY SPIRIT TO SHARE.

THEY DIDN’T HAVE BOOTS IN MY SIZE ANYWHERE?

NO, THAT’S FINE. IT’S JUST-

I DON’T WANT PEOPLE THINKING I’M NOT FESTIVE.

I HAVE AN IMMENSE AMOUNT OF HOLIDAY SPIRIT TO SHARE.

1:56 am
1,320 notes
SINCE YOU BEEN GONE!
I CAN BREATHE FOR THE FIRST TIME!
I’M SO MOVING ON! 
YEAH YEAH!

SINCE YOU BEEN GONE!

I CAN BREATHE FOR THE FIRST TIME!

I’M SO MOVING ON!

YEAH YEAH!

6:20 pm - Fri, Dec 7, 2012
3,696 notes
CAN WE PLEASE QUIT PLAYING OUT SOME ELABORATE MODERN MATING RITUAL OF TUMBLR LIKES AND TWITTER RETWEETS AND JUST OPENLY ADMIT THAT WE WANT TO GET TOGETHER AND DO SOME SHIT TO EACH OTHER THAT NORMALLY ONLY HAPPENS IN USHER SONGS?
PLEASE?
MY KEYBOARD IS FALLING APART.

CAN WE PLEASE QUIT PLAYING OUT SOME ELABORATE MODERN MATING RITUAL OF TUMBLR LIKES AND TWITTER RETWEETS AND JUST OPENLY ADMIT THAT WE WANT TO GET TOGETHER AND DO SOME SHIT TO EACH OTHER THAT NORMALLY ONLY HAPPENS IN USHER SONGS?

PLEASE?

MY KEYBOARD IS FALLING APART.

7:43 pm - Thu, Dec 6, 2012
1,404 notes
YOU GET PINCHED, WE NEVER MET. YOU GOT ME? YOU FOUND THIS ON THE STREET.

YOU GET PINCHED, WE NEVER MET. YOU GOT ME? YOU FOUND THIS ON THE STREET.

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