- 4:00 pm - Tue, Nov 20, 2012
- 1,594 notes
NOW, WHEN YOU SAY, “WE ARE NEVER EVER EVER GETTING BACK TOGETHER,” DO YOU MEAN LIKE … NEVER?
BECAUSE I WAS GOING TO GO TALK TO MY FRIENDS, TALK TO YOUR FRIENDS, TALK TO YOU … MAYBE LISTEN TO SOME APPROPRIATELY OBSCURE INDIE RECORDS. THE USUAL.
AFTER THAT I THOUGHT MAYBE WE COULD GIVE IT ANOTHER SHOT.
- 8:51 am
- 1,616 notes
WHAT AM I DOING? I’M JUICING MY PECS, BRO! GOT TO GET THEM PECS JUICED UP! FOR THE BABES!
PLUS I’M SO JACKED UP ON N.O. XPLODE AND ECA STACKS I FEEL LIKE I’M GOING TO HAVE A GODDAMNED HEART ATTACK. I CAN’T FEEL MY LEGS BUT I AM CRANKING THESE REPS OUT, YOU HEARD? I AM SO SWOLE UP I’M GONNA POP! BRO, FEEL MY TITTIES. TOUCH THEM.
JUST KIDDING, YOU CAN’T! YOU’LL BREAK YOUR FINGERS, BRO!
THAT’S WHAT’S UP! WOOOOOO!
- 6:00 pm - Mon, Nov 19, 2012
- 2,006 notes
OH MY GOD! KRISTEN STEWART! I’M SUCH A HUGE FAN! I LOVE LOVE LOVE YOUR WORK!
YOUR PERFORMANCE ART IS SUCH A HUGE INSPIRATION! IT HAS GOT TO BE SO HARD TO BE IN FRONT OF ALL THOSE CAMERAS AND NOT ACT, AT ALL, BUT YOU DO IT SO WELL EVERY TIME!
- 4:00 pm
- 1,551 notes
I GOT THE JOB. FIVE YEAR CONTRACT PLUS A COMPANY CAR.
That’s awesome! I broke up with Andy.
WONDERFUL! I HATED ANDY. MAYBE WE CAN FINALLY GET THROUGH A DINNER WITHOUT HIS DELIGHTFUL LITTLE CRITICISMS OF EVERYTHING YOU DO AND SAY.
Right? Ugh. What a fucking toolbelt.
YOU DO KNOW HOW TO PICK THEM. BUT HEY, CONGRATULATIONS TO BOTH OF US, RIGHT? POUND IT OUT.
Way to go, us!
… YEAH, NOT TO PULL AN ANDY BUT THAT’S DEFINITELY A HIGH-FIVE YOU’RE GOING FOR THERE, AND I CAN’T REALLY DO THOSE. BALL IT UP.
- 7:41 pm - Fri, Nov 16, 2012
- 2,222 notes
AIN’T NONE OF THE KIDS WANTED TO GO TO THE PUMPKIN PATCH LAST MONTH, AND NOW THEY’RE SAYING THEY AIN’T GONNA GO TO THE MALL WITH ME THIS WEEKEND. THEY’RE “TOO OLD” TO HANG OUT WITH THEIR MOMMA. CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT? NOT A ONE OF THEM WILL WEAR THE COOL DRAGONFLY SWEATERS I BOUGHT ‘EM AT T.J. MAXX NEITHER, NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES I ASK ‘EM ON FACEBOOK. DESIGNER FASHIONS AT AFFORDABLE PRICES. WHAT MORE COULD YOU WANT IN THIS WORLD? TAMMY ACTUALLY BLOCKED ME. DAMN NEAR BROKE MY HEART IN TWO.
IT’S LIKE I DON’T EVEN KNOW MY BABIES NO MORE.
- 7:20 pm - Thu, Nov 15, 2012
- 1,702 notes
WONDERFUL, MY LEG’S ASLEEP.
NOT JUST MY LEG. MY BUTT. MY WHOLE BUTT IS TOTALLY ASLEEP. HOW DOES THAT EVEN HAPPEN? HOW LONG HAVE I BEEN SITTING HERE? WHAT WAS I THINKING ABOUT? WHY DID I SIT DOWN IN THE FIRST PLACE?
OH GOD, IT’S MY WHOLE PELVIC GIRDLE. I CAN’T FEEL ANYTHING DOWN THERE.
… MIGHT AS WELL TAKE A NAP, I GUESS.
- 4:15 pm
- 6,876 notes
HELLO THERE! YOU MUST BE FROM HOTEL SERVICES! ARE THOSE THE BED LINENS WE ORDERED? GREAT! I’LL JUST TAKE THOSE FROM YOU AND YOU CAN SCOOT BACK DOWN TO THE FRONT DESK BECAUSE THERE’S NOTHING TO SEE HERE. NO SIR. JUST A RELAXING DAY AT THE OLD DOWNTOWN MARRIOTT. CATCHING UP ON OUR READING AND THINGS LIKE THAT. THANKS SO MUCH. HAVE A NICE AFTERNOON.
- 10:43 pm - Wed, Nov 14, 2012
- 2,385 notes
I NEVER THOUGHT I’D SAY THIS, BUT I THINK WE SHOULD GET THE BAND BACK TOGETHER.
- 4:17 pm
- 3,507 notes
I SAID I HAVE A HEADACHE, CARL. I’M NOT IN THE MOOD.
I SWEAR TO GOD YOU’RE LIKE A TEENAGER SOMETIMES.
- 7:20 pm - Tue, Nov 13, 2012
- 1,328 notes
DARREN, WAIT! DON’T FORGET DISHSOAP! I FORGOT TO PUT IT ON THE LIST!
- 5:18 pm
- 671 notes
Guys, guys …
(and by guys I mostly mean ladies, because let’s face it, 87% of my followers are women and that makes me smile)
1. Yes, those are Jenna Marbles’ dogs. Because I love Jenna Marbles, and her dogs.
2. You do know that every photo I know the source for has a click-through link, right?
You just click on the picture and it takes you to a flickr, a tumblr, something else that inexplicably has no ‘e’ in its name, a portfolio, an Instagram, or things of that nature?
Seriously, try it. Just click on Kermit and Marbles down there and watch what happens.
Did you click?
BOOM. Right to the source, just like that.
Seriously, I thought everybody knew about this, but I have obviously been remiss in mentioning it based solely on the number of “Are those Jenna Marbles’ dogs?” or “You know those are Jenna Marbles’ dogs, right?” comments/emails I have received.
So yes, I do know, and now everyone else does too. Please pop on over to Jenna’s website and tell her she’s a national treasure because she is. Then feel free to click through a bunch of other photos and examine some of the many fine weirdos whose photography provides the inspiration for this neverending stream of inanity and absurdism I spend my nights (and mornings) making, in a constant attempt to get you to smile.
I love you.
Your outfit looks great today.
- 4:11 pm
- 21,439 notes
HEY, WE WERE WONDERING IF YOU’D LIKE TO-
JOIN OUR GANG OR DIE.
JUST BE IN OUR GANG, ACTUALLY. WE NEED-
TOUGH-ASS MOTHERFUCKERS WILLING TO POP OFF AT A MOMENT’S NOTICE.
SOMEONE TO WEAR THE GREEN HOODIE, IS WHAT I WAS GOING TO SAY. IT’S NOT LIKE, FOREST GREEN, OBVI. WE’RE MORE OF A BRIGHT PASTEL-
BUNCH OF HARDCORE GANGSTERS DOING HARDCORE GANGSTER SHIT.
WE MOSTLY JUST GET PINKBERRY AND THEN HANG OUT IN THE PARK.
WORD. THE SCULPTURE GARDEN DOWN BY THE RIVER IS BEAUTIFUL IN THE FALL. ESPECIALLY WITH THAT NICE-ASS SUNLIGHT ALL REFLECTING OFF THE WATER AND SHIT.
TODD’S TRYING TO TOUGHEN UP OUR IMAGE. HE THINKS WE’RE A LITTLE ‘SOFT’.
A NICE CHARTREUSE GREEN WOULD GO GREAT WITH YOUR HAIR.
HONESTLY, IT REALLY WOULD.
- 6:01 pm - Mon, Nov 12, 2012
- 830 notes
OH GOD! EWWW. OH, EW.
DARREN, GRAB SOME PAPER TOWEL OR A SHOE OR A FLAMETHROWER OR SOMETHING! THERE’S ONE OF THOSE THINGS THAT’S JUST A THOUSAND HORRIBLE WISPY LEGS OVER BY THE TOILET!
I GUESS. JUST HURRY, PLEASE. IF IT MOVES I’LL THROW UP.
- 4:01 pm
- 2,311 notes
THEN WHAT HAPPENS?
Then the baby chews its way out of her and she dies.
ARE YOU SERIOUS?
I wish. No. It just breaks a bunch of her bones and her spine and stuff so Edward has to make her a vampire.
THIS WON ‘CHILDREN’S BOOK OF THE YEAR’?
I think that was sales based. You can’t underestimate the American 50+ women’s demographic. They’ll literally buy anything with a sex scene in it.
- 1:20 am - Sat, Nov 10, 2012
- 27,164 notes
SORRY I COULDN’T BRAID YOUR HAIR, EMILY. NO OPPOSABLE THUMBS.
It’s okay, I like talking to you more than I like playing salon. You’re really smart, plus you ate Cindy Meyers for me.
SHE ASKED JIMMY TO THE DANCE WHEN SHE KNEW YOU LIKED HIM. I DID WHAT ANY FRIEND WOULD DO.
She was a total B-I-T-C-H.
THAT SPELLS BITCH!
I know. I’m really good at spelling. So is Jimmy.
YOU TWO ARE GOING TO BE SO HAPPY TOGETHER.
We are now that Cindy Meyers is gone.