4:40 pm - Wed, Dec 5, 2012
650 notes
I BARELY CLOSED MY EYES THE WHOLE NIGHT! FUCK ONLY KNOWS WHAT WAS IN THE BED. IT WAS LIKE I WAS LAYING ON A BOULDER AND MY WHOLE BODY FEELS LIKE GARBAGE. IT’S HORRIBLE. LET’S GET MARRIED.

I BARELY CLOSED MY EYES THE WHOLE NIGHT! FUCK ONLY KNOWS WHAT WAS IN THE BED. IT WAS LIKE I WAS LAYING ON A BOULDER AND MY WHOLE BODY FEELS LIKE GARBAGE. IT’S HORRIBLE. LET’S GET MARRIED.

7:20 pm - Tue, Dec 4, 2012
1,433 notes
HONEY, LOOK, I’M SORRY. PLEASE COME OUT OF YOUR POUTING CLOSET. “DINNER” WAS REALLY TASTY.
LISTEN TO YOURSELF. YOU CAN’T EVEN SAY IT WITHOUT DOING THAT THING WITH YOUR VOICE.
YES I CAN. THE “FOOD” YOU MADE WAS … DAMN IT.
GO AWAY FOREVER, STEVE.

HONEY, LOOK, I’M SORRY. PLEASE COME OUT OF YOUR POUTING CLOSET. “DINNER” WAS REALLY TASTY.

LISTEN TO YOURSELF. YOU CAN’T EVEN SAY IT WITHOUT DOING THAT THING WITH YOUR VOICE.

YES I CAN. THE “FOOD” YOU MADE WAS … DAMN IT.

GO AWAY FOREVER, STEVE.

4:40 pm
1,343 notes
I CAN’T TELL IF I’M HONESTLY FULFILLING MY DEEPEST WISHES AND PURSUING MY DREAMS OR IF I’VE JUST BEEN YELLING “YOLO” EVERY TIME I DO SOMETHING EXCEEDINGLY STUPID.
IT’S NOT LIKE I’LL HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO RECTIFY ANY SERIOUS MISTAKES I MIGHT MAKE.
YOLO, AND ALL THAT.

I CAN’T TELL IF I’M HONESTLY FULFILLING MY DEEPEST WISHES AND PURSUING MY DREAMS OR IF I’VE JUST BEEN YELLING “YOLO” EVERY TIME I DO SOMETHING EXCEEDINGLY STUPID.

IT’S NOT LIKE I’LL HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO RECTIFY ANY SERIOUS MISTAKES I MIGHT MAKE.

YOLO, AND ALL THAT.

7:20 pm - Mon, Dec 3, 2012
2,941 notes
ANTHONY! TAKE YOUR SHOES OFF! THAT’S BERBER CARPETING! WHAT IN THE DEVIL ARE YOU THINKING?
WE DO NOT WEAR OUR TOPSIDERS IN THE HOUSE, ANTHONY. ONLY ON THE BOAT.
HONESTLY! HOW GAUCHE!

ANTHONY! TAKE YOUR SHOES OFF! THAT’S BERBER CARPETING! WHAT IN THE DEVIL ARE YOU THINKING?

WE DO NOT WEAR OUR TOPSIDERS IN THE HOUSE, ANTHONY. ONLY ON THE BOAT.

HONESTLY! HOW GAUCHE!

4:40 pm
67,613 notes
Mister Fluffins! Wait! Please!
NO.
Are you doing this because I put screencaps from popular TV shows on the internet 20 minutes after they air, completely ruining them for anyone who might have to work that night or that lives in a different time zone, robbing those people of the joy that I experience when watching the shows in some sort of pointless race to be the first to prove I saw them, despite how absolutely stupid that premise is and the fact that there’s no legitimate reward for my actions, only disdain?
YES. YOU HAVE RUINED BOARDWALK EMPIRE FOR THE LAST TIME.

Mister Fluffins! Wait! Please!

NO.

Are you doing this because I put screencaps from popular TV shows on the internet 20 minutes after they air, completely ruining them for anyone who might have to work that night or that lives in a different time zone, robbing those people of the joy that I experience when watching the shows in some sort of pointless race to be the first to prove I saw them, despite how absolutely stupid that premise is and the fact that there’s no legitimate reward for my actions, only disdain?

YES. YOU HAVE RUINED BOARDWALK EMPIRE FOR THE LAST TIME.

9:01 pm - Sat, Dec 1, 2012
1,171 notes
WHEN THE MOON HITS YOUR EYE LIKE THECOSOMATA PIE … THAT’S AMORÉ.
WHEN THE WORLD SEEMS SO BRIGHT LIKE A TOMOPTERIS’  LIGHT … THAT’S AMORÉ.
JELLYFISH BELLS WILL PULSE, FLUB-A-LUB A LUB, FLUB-A-LUB A LUB,
AND YOU’LL SING VITA BELLA!
GILLS WILL FLAP, TIPPY TIPPY TAP, TIPPY TIPPY TAP,
LIKE A GAY TARANTELLA!
WHENNNN … THE … SURFACE LIGHT MAKES YOU SWAY LIKE A DRUNK PERACLIDAE, THAT’S  AMORÉ!
WHEN YOUR MATE GRABS AHOLD A YA, WITH THEIR STRONG PARAPODIA, YOU’RE IN LOOOOOOVE!

WHEN THE MOON HITS YOUR EYE LIKE THECOSOMATA PIE … THAT’S AMORÉ.

WHEN THE WORLD SEEMS SO BRIGHT LIKE A TOMOPTERIS’  LIGHT … THAT’S AMORÉ.

JELLYFISH BELLS WILL PULSE, FLUB-A-LUB A LUB, FLUB-A-LUB A LUB,

AND YOU’LL SING VITA BELLA!

GILLS WILL FLAP, TIPPY TIPPY TAP, TIPPY TIPPY TAP,

LIKE A GAY TARANTELLA!

WHENNNN … THE … SURFACE LIGHT MAKES YOU SWAY LIKE A DRUNK PERACLIDAE, THAT’S  AMORÉ!

WHEN YOUR MATE GRABS AHOLD A YA, WITH THEIR STRONG PARAPODIA, YOU’RE IN LOOOOOOVE!

7:20 pm - Fri, Nov 30, 2012
833 notes
WAIT. WAIT! WHERE ARE YOU GOING? WE HAVEN’T TALKED ABOUT THE MUSIC YET! YOU CAN’T JUST RUN OFF AND MAKE AN ACTION FILM, YOU CRAZY MAVERICK. WE NEED THAT THING THAT GOES “WHRRRRRNNNNNNNNBMMMMMMMMMP” FOR THE TRAILER AND ANY TENSE MOMENTS. YOU NEED LIKE, SIX OF THOSE. AND THEN AFTER THAT YOU NEED THAT STUFF THAT SORT OF SOUNDS LIKE TWO WASHING MACHINES HATEFUCKING EACH OTHER. YOU’VE GOT TO HAVE THAT IN EVERY FIGHT SEQUENCE.
LISA. LISA! YOU AT YOUR DESK? WHAT’S THE THING WE’RE DOING NOW IN EVERY FILM WHEN SOMEONE’S ABOUT TO START SHOOTING THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF SOMETHING?
Really bad dubstep?
TUBSTICK! YES! THANK YOU! YOU GOTTA HAVE SOME FUCKING TUBSTICK ALL OVER THAT GODDAMNED THING, MIKEY. ESPECIALLY THE END CREDITS. I WANT PEOPLE TO HAVE SEIZURES! MYOCLONIC FITS! I WANT THEIR CELL PHONES TO JIZZ BECAUSE THEY’RE BEING SPOKEN TO BY THEIR MACHINE GOD! DON’T YOU SHOOT A SINGLE FRAME UNTIL YOU’VE GOT A HUNDRED AND FIFTY TUBSTOMP SONGS IN A QUEUE, YOU HEAR ME?

WAIT. WAIT! WHERE ARE YOU GOING? WE HAVEN’T TALKED ABOUT THE MUSIC YET! YOU CAN’T JUST RUN OFF AND MAKE AN ACTION FILM, YOU CRAZY MAVERICK. WE NEED THAT THING THAT GOES “WHRRRRRNNNNNNNNBMMMMMMMMMP” FOR THE TRAILER AND ANY TENSE MOMENTS. YOU NEED LIKE, SIX OF THOSE. AND THEN AFTER THAT YOU NEED THAT STUFF THAT SORT OF SOUNDS LIKE TWO WASHING MACHINES HATEFUCKING EACH OTHER. YOU’VE GOT TO HAVE THAT IN EVERY FIGHT SEQUENCE.

LISA. LISA! YOU AT YOUR DESK? WHAT’S THE THING WE’RE DOING NOW IN EVERY FILM WHEN SOMEONE’S ABOUT TO START SHOOTING THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF SOMETHING?

Really bad dubstep?

TUBSTICK! YES! THANK YOU! YOU GOTTA HAVE SOME FUCKING TUBSTICK ALL OVER THAT GODDAMNED THING, MIKEY. ESPECIALLY THE END CREDITS. I WANT PEOPLE TO HAVE SEIZURES! MYOCLONIC FITS! I WANT THEIR CELL PHONES TO JIZZ BECAUSE THEY’RE BEING SPOKEN TO BY THEIR MACHINE GOD! DON’T YOU SHOOT A SINGLE FRAME UNTIL YOU’VE GOT A HUNDRED AND FIFTY TUBSTOMP SONGS IN A QUEUE, YOU HEAR ME?

4:40 pm
1,780 notes
He’s really gone.
YEP.
He’s probably going to marry that horrible bank teller.
SHE’S AN INVESTMENT ANALYST, BUT YES. 
He didn’t even call me on our anniversary.
I’M NOT 100% ON THIS, BUT I THINK THEY’RE ONLY ANNIVERSARIES IF YOU’RE STILL DATING. REGARDLESS, IT WOULDN’T HAVE KILLED HIM.
I’m so alone.
WE’RE LITERALLY TOUCHING EACH OTHER RIGHT NOW.
I can’t eat. Can’t sleep. It’s been months. I’m like a ghost haunting my own apartment.
I’M EMPATHIZING WITH YOU SUPER HARD HERE, BUT AT THE VERY LEAST I THINK YOU SHOULD PAY THE ELECTRIC BILL.

He’s really gone.

YEP.

He’s probably going to marry that horrible bank teller.

SHE’S AN INVESTMENT ANALYST, BUT YES. 

He didn’t even call me on our anniversary.

I’M NOT 100% ON THIS, BUT I THINK THEY’RE ONLY ANNIVERSARIES IF YOU’RE STILL DATING. REGARDLESS, IT WOULDN’T HAVE KILLED HIM.

I’m so alone.

WE’RE LITERALLY TOUCHING EACH OTHER RIGHT NOW.

I can’t eat. Can’t sleep. It’s been months. I’m like a ghost haunting my own apartment.

I’M EMPATHIZING WITH YOU SUPER HARD HERE, BUT AT THE VERY LEAST I THINK YOU SHOULD PAY THE ELECTRIC BILL.

6:24 am
3,250 notes
ALL OF THE SLUDS AND HOARS ON THIS TUMBLRS MAKING ME SAD FOR EMERICAS YOUTH.
WHY YOU SO SLUDDY AND HOARY?
PUT ON MORE CLOSE! STOP PLAYING WITH YOUR TIDDIES AND PENUSES BEFOAR YOU CATCH A DISESE.
WHAT WOULD PARENS THINK? TEARS! ALL OF TEARS!
FOR ANYTHING YOU DO THE NOOD FOTOS AND NO REASONS!
“I LIKE BAND ONE DIRECTION. LOOK AT MY BUBES.”
“I WATCH BEE BEE SEE MOVIE SHOW SHERLOCK. HEAR IS MY TESSACLES IN DIRTY BEDSROOM.”
GOD CAN SEE YOUR BUBES! HE IS MAD AT THEM! STOP BEING SO NAKID! PUT YOUR GIANT WEENERS AWAY FROM CAMERAS AND GO CHURCH!

ALL OF THE SLUDS AND HOARS ON THIS TUMBLRS MAKING ME SAD FOR EMERICAS YOUTH.

WHY YOU SO SLUDDY AND HOARY?

PUT ON MORE CLOSE! STOP PLAYING WITH YOUR TIDDIES AND PENUSES BEFOAR YOU CATCH A DISESE.

WHAT WOULD PARENS THINK? TEARS! ALL OF TEARS!

FOR ANYTHING YOU DO THE NOOD FOTOS AND NO REASONS!

“I LIKE BAND ONE DIRECTION. LOOK AT MY BUBES.”

“I WATCH BEE BEE SEE MOVIE SHOW SHERLOCK. HEAR IS MY TESSACLES IN DIRTY BEDSROOM.”

GOD CAN SEE YOUR BUBES! HE IS MAD AT THEM! STOP BEING SO NAKID! PUT YOUR GIANT WEENERS AWAY FROM CAMERAS AND GO CHURCH!

7:20 pm - Thu, Nov 29, 2012
10,797 notes
DOES THE MOST HANDSOME BOYFRIEND IN THE ENTIRE SAVANNA HAVE A LITTLE HANGOVER?
I DON’T KNOW. DO YOU?
OH SHUT UP. WHY ARE YOU SO ADORABLE?
I PUT MY FACE ON YOUR FACE AND ABSORB IT THROUGH OSMOSIS.
SHUT UP TWICE. I LOVE YOU. DO YOU WANT TO GO ANTIQUING WHEN YOU CAN OPEN YOUR EYES ALL THE WAY? I WANT TO GET SOME NEW TABLES FOR THE DEN.
I ALWAYS WANT TO GO ANTIQUING. I WOULD GO ANTIQUING EVEN IF I WAS DEAD.

DOES THE MOST HANDSOME BOYFRIEND IN THE ENTIRE SAVANNA HAVE A LITTLE HANGOVER?

I DON’T KNOW. DO YOU?

OH SHUT UP. WHY ARE YOU SO ADORABLE?

I PUT MY FACE ON YOUR FACE AND ABSORB IT THROUGH OSMOSIS.

SHUT UP TWICE. I LOVE YOU. DO YOU WANT TO GO ANTIQUING WHEN YOU CAN OPEN YOUR EYES ALL THE WAY? I WANT TO GET SOME NEW TABLES FOR THE DEN.

I ALWAYS WANT TO GO ANTIQUING. I WOULD GO ANTIQUING EVEN IF I WAS DEAD.

4:40 pm
1,274 notes
NO, I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR TUG-OF-WAR. I’VE GOT TO GO MEET MY FELLOW GANG MEMBERS FOR SOME CINNABON. 
I MEAN A KNIFE FIGHT.
WE’VE GOT TO GO GET IN A DEADLY KNIFE FIGHT AGAINST SOME PUNK ASSES TRYING TO INVADE OUR TURF, THEN WE’RE GOING TO THE MUSEUM.
… TO SELL DRUGS AND SHIT, OBVIOUSLY. BECAUSE THAT’S HOW WE DO.
DON’T WAIT UP.

NO, I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR TUG-OF-WAR. I’VE GOT TO GO MEET MY FELLOW GANG MEMBERS FOR SOME CINNABON. 

I MEAN A KNIFE FIGHT.

WE’VE GOT TO GO GET IN A DEADLY KNIFE FIGHT AGAINST SOME PUNK ASSES TRYING TO INVADE OUR TURF, THEN WE’RE GOING TO THE MUSEUM.

… TO SELL DRUGS AND SHIT, OBVIOUSLY. BECAUSE THAT’S HOW WE DO.

DON’T WAIT UP.

7:18 pm - Wed, Nov 28, 2012
2,675 notes
OH SHIT IT’S MY JAM!
♫  ALL I WANT FOR MY BIRTHDAAAAY IS A BIG BOOTY HO.
ALL I WANT FOR MY BIRTHDAAAAY IS A BIG BOOTY HO.
WHEN I DIE, BURY ME INSIDE THAT GUCCI STORE.
WHEN I DIE, BURY ME INSIDE THAT LOUIS STORE.
ALL I WANT FOR MY BIRTHDAAAAAY IS A BIG BOOTY HO.  ♫

OH SHIT IT’S MY JAM!

♫  ALL I WANT FOR MY BIRTHDAAAAY IS A BIG BOOTY HO.

ALL I WANT FOR MY BIRTHDAAAAY IS A BIG BOOTY HO.

WHEN I DIE, BURY ME INSIDE THAT GUCCI STORE.

WHEN I DIE, BURY ME INSIDE THAT LOUIS STORE.

ALL I WANT FOR MY BIRTHDAAAAAY IS A BIG BOOTY HO.  ♫

4:40 pm
4,358 notes
KNOCK IT OFF, TED. YOU’RE DRUNK.
NO, NO, BABY. I’M SIMPLY INTOXICATED BY YOUR PRESENCE. 
YOU ARE INTOXICATED BY THE “PRESENCE” OF THE FOUR MARGARITAS YOU HAD AT THE TACO PLACE.
I WOULD LIKE TO GO SOUTH OF YOUR BORDER, IF YOU CATCH MY DRIFT.
YOU’RE COMPLETELY NOT SUPPORTING YOUR WEIGHT, TED. IT’S LIKE BEING SLOWLY CRUSHED BY A SOLID WALL OF TEQUILA.
MAYBE YOU SHOULD CRUSH BACK, IF YOU GET MY MEANING.
I GET YOUR MEANING, TED, AND I CATCH YOUR DRIFT. YOU’RE NOT PARTICULARLY SKILLED AT DOUBLE ENTENDRE.
I’M SKILLED AT DOUBLE HAVING SEX WITH YOU, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEA-
GOD DAMN IT, SIT UP STRAIGHT! I’M RUNNING OUT OF STICK!

KNOCK IT OFF, TED. YOU’RE DRUNK.

NO, NO, BABY. I’M SIMPLY INTOXICATED BY YOUR PRESENCE. 

YOU ARE INTOXICATED BY THE “PRESENCE” OF THE FOUR MARGARITAS YOU HAD AT THE TACO PLACE.

I WOULD LIKE TO GO SOUTH OF YOUR BORDER, IF YOU CATCH MY DRIFT.

YOU’RE COMPLETELY NOT SUPPORTING YOUR WEIGHT, TED. IT’S LIKE BEING SLOWLY CRUSHED BY A SOLID WALL OF TEQUILA.

MAYBE YOU SHOULD CRUSH BACK, IF YOU GET MY MEANING.

I GET YOUR MEANING, TED, AND I CATCH YOUR DRIFT. YOU’RE NOT PARTICULARLY SKILLED AT DOUBLE ENTENDRE.

I’M SKILLED AT DOUBLE HAVING SEX WITH YOU, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEA-

GOD DAMN IT, SIT UP STRAIGHT! I’M RUNNING OUT OF STICK!

7:20 pm - Tue, Nov 27, 2012
1,374 notes
DESPITE THE FACT THAT I SHOW ABSOLUTELY NO SIGNS OF MATURITY, RESPECT, NOR SELF-RESTRAINT IN EVEN THE MOST BASIC SOCIAL INTERACTIONS, LET ALONE MY FAR-REACHING LIFE CHOICES, EVERY TIME YOU ATTEMPT TO MAKE ME STOP SAYING I’M AN ADULT AND ACTUALLY PROVE IT THROUGH WORDS AND DEED I FIND IT DETRIMENTAL TO THE FEELINGS OF EXCEPTIONALISM AND ENTITLEMENT YOU INSTILLED IN ME WITH YOUR CONSTANT PANDERING AND UNREALISTIC BUILDING OF MY MASSIVE AND UNDESERVED EGO DURING MY FORMATIVE YOUTH AND APPARENT PERPETUAL ADOLESCENCE, THEREFORE I THOROUGHLY PLAN ON BLAMING YOU BOTH NOW AND IN THE FUTURE FOR YOUR FAILURE TO BUILD A PSYCHOLOGICAL SHIELD AROUND MY FEELINGS TO PROTECT ME FROM THE HARSH REALITIES OF EVERYDAY LIFE EVEN WHILE I BLAME YOU FOR BUILDING THE PSYCHOLOGICAL SHIELD AROUND MY FEELINGS THAT ALLOWS ME TO FEEL ABOVE AND SEPARATE FROM THE RESPONSIBILITIES AND SACRIFICE THAT A BALANCED LIFE ENTAILS. ALSO I’M BORROWING THE CAR TONIGHT. I HAVE TO GO BUY SOME DRUGS FOR A PARTY.

DESPITE THE FACT THAT I SHOW ABSOLUTELY NO SIGNS OF MATURITY, RESPECT, NOR SELF-RESTRAINT IN EVEN THE MOST BASIC SOCIAL INTERACTIONS, LET ALONE MY FAR-REACHING LIFE CHOICES, EVERY TIME YOU ATTEMPT TO MAKE ME STOP SAYING I’M AN ADULT AND ACTUALLY PROVE IT THROUGH WORDS AND DEED I FIND IT DETRIMENTAL TO THE FEELINGS OF EXCEPTIONALISM AND ENTITLEMENT YOU INSTILLED IN ME WITH YOUR CONSTANT PANDERING AND UNREALISTIC BUILDING OF MY MASSIVE AND UNDESERVED EGO DURING MY FORMATIVE YOUTH AND APPARENT PERPETUAL ADOLESCENCE, THEREFORE I THOROUGHLY PLAN ON BLAMING YOU BOTH NOW AND IN THE FUTURE FOR YOUR FAILURE TO BUILD A PSYCHOLOGICAL SHIELD AROUND MY FEELINGS TO PROTECT ME FROM THE HARSH REALITIES OF EVERYDAY LIFE EVEN WHILE I BLAME YOU FOR BUILDING THE PSYCHOLOGICAL SHIELD AROUND MY FEELINGS THAT ALLOWS ME TO FEEL ABOVE AND SEPARATE FROM THE RESPONSIBILITIES AND SACRIFICE THAT A BALANCED LIFE ENTAILS. ALSO I’M BORROWING THE CAR TONIGHT. I HAVE TO GO BUY SOME DRUGS FOR A PARTY.

4:40 pm
1,146 notes
YEAH, THEY OPENED THIS LITTLE PLACE RIGHT DOWN BY THE OFFICE. ARTISAN PASTRIES, YOU KNOW? ALL-NATURAL TRANSFATS AND ORGANICALLY SIMPLIFIED SUGARS. I LOVE THE DANISHES BUT THEN THERE’S THESE DONUTS WITH HANDCRAFTED TURBINADO SPRINKLES AND IT’S JUST LIKE, “HOW CAN I CHOOSE?”
I GET ONE OF EACH AND THIS LATTE THING WITH HORMONE FREE HEAVY CREAM ON MY WAY IN EVERY MORNING. 
IT’S JUST SO REFRESHING TO FIND A HEALTHY BREAKFAST IN THE CITY.

YEAH, THEY OPENED THIS LITTLE PLACE RIGHT DOWN BY THE OFFICE. ARTISAN PASTRIES, YOU KNOW? ALL-NATURAL TRANSFATS AND ORGANICALLY SIMPLIFIED SUGARS. I LOVE THE DANISHES BUT THEN THERE’S THESE DONUTS WITH HANDCRAFTED TURBINADO SPRINKLES AND IT’S JUST LIKE, “HOW CAN I CHOOSE?”

I GET ONE OF EACH AND THIS LATTE THING WITH HORMONE FREE HEAVY CREAM ON MY WAY IN EVERY MORNING. 

IT’S JUST SO REFRESHING TO FIND A HEALTHY BREAKFAST IN THE CITY.

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