6:52 pm - Mon, Nov 26, 2012
1,089 notes
OH MY GOD!  YOU GUYS!
"IF YOU SEEK AMY!" I FINALLY GET IT!
BRITNEY’S A GENIUS!

OH MY GOD!  YOU GUYS!

"IF YOU SEEK AMY!" I FINALLY GET IT!

BRITNEY’S A GENIUS!

4:00 pm
1,483 notes
NNNNNNNNNNNO-O. NO.
Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you! 
PLEASE STOP.
Happy birthday dear Billy! We’re sorry your parents recently died in a horrible structure fire! Happy birthday to you! 
NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN.

NNNNNNNNNNNO-O. NO.

Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you! 

PLEASE STOP.

Happy birthday dear Billy! We’re sorry your parents recently died in a horrible structure fire! Happy birthday to you! 

NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN.

6:00 pm - Tue, Nov 20, 2012
697 notes
ATIAC will return on Monday, November 26th because it’s my birthday today and then my mother’s coming to visit for a couple days and I thought maybe I’d actually leave the house and go show her around the damp and semi-vertical streets of Seattle and then it’s probably Thanksgiving or whatever, plus I’m almost finished putting the final touches on the book version of this here tumblr which is actually way less fun than it sounds and kind of time consuming and torturous and it seems like it would be easier if I just took a couple days off and got all that wrapped up so I can return to you all bright-eyed and minty-fresh next week to continue delivering discursive dogs and smarmy otters in the manner in which you’ve come to expect.
Which is to say in capslock.
I took a couple days off this time last year to do things like eat food and hang out with my ladyfriend. You may remember donating a dollar a month or so later to help make that ladyfriend my wife. That shiny thing in the picture up there (not the shiny thing that’s the coffee cup, or my naturally oily Italian skin but the little silver thing on my hand) is the ring she smooshed onto my finger, which would not have made its way there without you, the shut-ins and ne’er-do-wells that follow this tumblr. 
I just want to say thank you again. This has been the most bizarre year of a life absolutely bursting at its seams with bizarre years, and I would not trade it, nor you, for anything (with the possible exception of a dependable sleep schedule). In the grand scheme of things I owe you far more than the occasional chuckles I provide. 
And if you came in way later than that, and are sitting there thinking “Shut up, Justin, I hate it when you type in lowercase letters and you are an ugly jerk with a small weiner” it doesn’t matter. I still love you, and I’m never less than amazed you find this pile of ridiculousness amusing. 
You’re pretty fucking great, is what I’m getting at.
Please be good to each other in my brief absence.
I will miss you while we are apart.

ATIAC will return on Monday, November 26th because it’s my birthday today and then my mother’s coming to visit for a couple days and I thought maybe I’d actually leave the house and go show her around the damp and semi-vertical streets of Seattle and then it’s probably Thanksgiving or whatever, plus I’m almost finished putting the final touches on the book version of this here tumblr which is actually way less fun than it sounds and kind of time consuming and torturous and it seems like it would be easier if I just took a couple days off and got all that wrapped up so I can return to you all bright-eyed and minty-fresh next week to continue delivering discursive dogs and smarmy otters in the manner in which you’ve come to expect.

Which is to say in capslock.

I took a couple days off this time last year to do things like eat food and hang out with my ladyfriend. You may remember donating a dollar a month or so later to help make that ladyfriend my wife. That shiny thing in the picture up there (not the shiny thing that’s the coffee cup, or my naturally oily Italian skin but the little silver thing on my hand) is the ring she smooshed onto my finger, which would not have made its way there without you, the shut-ins and ne’er-do-wells that follow this tumblr. 

I just want to say thank you again. This has been the most bizarre year of a life absolutely bursting at its seams with bizarre years, and I would not trade it, nor you, for anything (with the possible exception of a dependable sleep schedule). In the grand scheme of things I owe you far more than the occasional chuckles I provide. 

And if you came in way later than that, and are sitting there thinking “Shut up, Justin, I hate it when you type in lowercase letters and you are an ugly jerk with a small weiner” it doesn’t matter. I still love you, and I’m never less than amazed you find this pile of ridiculousness amusing. 

You’re pretty fucking great, is what I’m getting at.

Please be good to each other in my brief absence.

I will miss you while we are apart.

5:56 pm
7,043 notes
MARLENE.
I … DIDN’T EXPECT TO SEE YOU HERE.
AFTER YOU LEFT ME AND MOVED OFF TO BERLIN WITH THAT PAINTER I ASSUMED WE’D NEVER MEET AGAIN.
I SPENT SOME MONTHS AT SEA … TRYING TO FORGET YOU. I DABBLED IN OPIATES … 
MY GOD YOU LOOK STUNNING.

MARLENE.

I … DIDN’T EXPECT TO SEE YOU HERE.

AFTER YOU LEFT ME AND MOVED OFF TO BERLIN WITH THAT PAINTER I ASSUMED WE’D NEVER MEET AGAIN.

I SPENT SOME MONTHS AT SEA … TRYING TO FORGET YOU. I DABBLED IN OPIATES … 

MY GOD YOU LOOK STUNNING.

4:00 pm
1,597 notes
NOW, WHEN YOU SAY, “WE ARE NEVER EVER EVER GETTING BACK TOGETHER,” DO YOU MEAN LIKE … NEVER?
BECAUSE I WAS GOING TO GO TALK TO MY FRIENDS, TALK TO YOUR FRIENDS, TALK TO YOU … MAYBE LISTEN TO SOME APPROPRIATELY OBSCURE INDIE RECORDS. THE USUAL.
AFTER THAT I THOUGHT MAYBE WE COULD GIVE IT ANOTHER SHOT.

NOW, WHEN YOU SAY, “WE ARE NEVER EVER EVER GETTING BACK TOGETHER,” DO YOU MEAN LIKE … NEVER?

BECAUSE I WAS GOING TO GO TALK TO MY FRIENDS, TALK TO YOUR FRIENDS, TALK TO YOU … MAYBE LISTEN TO SOME APPROPRIATELY OBSCURE INDIE RECORDS. THE USUAL.

AFTER THAT I THOUGHT MAYBE WE COULD GIVE IT ANOTHER SHOT.

8:51 am
1,616 notes
WHAT AM I DOING? I’M JUICING MY PECS, BRO! GOT TO GET THEM PECS JUICED UP! FOR THE BABES!
PLUS I’M SO JACKED UP ON N.O. XPLODE AND ECA STACKS I FEEL LIKE I’M GOING TO HAVE A GODDAMNED HEART ATTACK. I CAN’T FEEL MY LEGS BUT I AM CRANKING THESE REPS OUT, YOU HEARD? I AM SO SWOLE UP I’M GONNA POP! BRO, FEEL MY TITTIES. TOUCH THEM.
JUST KIDDING, YOU CAN’T! YOU’LL BREAK YOUR FINGERS, BRO!
THAT’S WHAT’S UP! WOOOOOO!

WHAT AM I DOING? I’M JUICING MY PECS, BRO! GOT TO GET THEM PECS JUICED UP! FOR THE BABES!

PLUS I’M SO JACKED UP ON N.O. XPLODE AND ECA STACKS I FEEL LIKE I’M GOING TO HAVE A GODDAMNED HEART ATTACK. I CAN’T FEEL MY LEGS BUT I AM CRANKING THESE REPS OUT, YOU HEARD? I AM SO SWOLE UP I’M GONNA POP! BRO, FEEL MY TITTIES. TOUCH THEM.

JUST KIDDING, YOU CAN’T! YOU’LL BREAK YOUR FINGERS, BRO!

THAT’S WHAT’S UP! WOOOOOO!

6:00 pm - Mon, Nov 19, 2012
2,006 notes
OH MY GOD! KRISTEN STEWART! I’M SUCH A HUGE FAN! I LOVE LOVE LOVE YOUR WORK!
YOUR PERFORMANCE ART IS SUCH A HUGE INSPIRATION! IT HAS GOT TO BE SO HARD TO BE IN FRONT OF ALL THOSE CAMERAS AND NOT ACT, AT ALL, BUT YOU DO IT SO WELL EVERY TIME!

OH MY GOD! KRISTEN STEWART! I’M SUCH A HUGE FAN! I LOVE LOVE LOVE YOUR WORK!

YOUR PERFORMANCE ART IS SUCH A HUGE INSPIRATION! IT HAS GOT TO BE SO HARD TO BE IN FRONT OF ALL THOSE CAMERAS AND NOT ACT, AT ALL, BUT YOU DO IT SO WELL EVERY TIME!

4:00 pm
1,549 notes
I GOT THE JOB. FIVE YEAR CONTRACT PLUS A COMPANY CAR.
That’s awesome! I broke up with Andy.
WONDERFUL! I HATED ANDY. MAYBE WE CAN FINALLY GET THROUGH A DINNER WITHOUT HIS DELIGHTFUL LITTLE CRITICISMS OF EVERYTHING YOU DO AND SAY.
Right? Ugh. What a fucking toolbelt.
YOU DO KNOW HOW TO PICK THEM. BUT HEY, CONGRATULATIONS TO BOTH OF US, RIGHT? POUND IT OUT.
Way to go, us!
… YEAH, NOT TO PULL AN ANDY BUT THAT’S DEFINITELY A HIGH-FIVE YOU’RE GOING FOR THERE, AND I CAN’T REALLY DO THOSE. BALL IT UP.

I GOT THE JOB. FIVE YEAR CONTRACT PLUS A COMPANY CAR.

That’s awesome! I broke up with Andy.

WONDERFUL! I HATED ANDY. MAYBE WE CAN FINALLY GET THROUGH A DINNER WITHOUT HIS DELIGHTFUL LITTLE CRITICISMS OF EVERYTHING YOU DO AND SAY.

Right? Ugh. What a fucking toolbelt.

YOU DO KNOW HOW TO PICK THEM. BUT HEY, CONGRATULATIONS TO BOTH OF US, RIGHT? POUND IT OUT.

Way to go, us!

… YEAH, NOT TO PULL AN ANDY BUT THAT’S DEFINITELY A HIGH-FIVE YOU’RE GOING FOR THERE, AND I CAN’T REALLY DO THOSE. BALL IT UP.

7:41 pm - Fri, Nov 16, 2012
2,223 notes
AIN’T NONE OF THE KIDS WANTED TO GO TO THE PUMPKIN PATCH LAST MONTH, AND NOW THEY’RE SAYING THEY AIN’T GONNA GO TO THE MALL WITH ME THIS WEEKEND. THEY’RE “TOO OLD” TO HANG OUT WITH THEIR MOMMA. CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT? NOT A ONE OF THEM WILL WEAR THE COOL DRAGONFLY SWEATERS I BOUGHT ‘EM AT T.J. MAXX NEITHER, NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES I ASK ‘EM ON FACEBOOK. DESIGNER FASHIONS AT AFFORDABLE PRICES. WHAT MORE COULD YOU WANT IN THIS WORLD? TAMMY ACTUALLY BLOCKED ME. DAMN NEAR BROKE MY HEART IN TWO.
IT’S LIKE I DON’T EVEN KNOW MY BABIES NO MORE.

AIN’T NONE OF THE KIDS WANTED TO GO TO THE PUMPKIN PATCH LAST MONTH, AND NOW THEY’RE SAYING THEY AIN’T GONNA GO TO THE MALL WITH ME THIS WEEKEND. THEY’RE “TOO OLD” TO HANG OUT WITH THEIR MOMMA. CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT? NOT A ONE OF THEM WILL WEAR THE COOL DRAGONFLY SWEATERS I BOUGHT ‘EM AT T.J. MAXX NEITHER, NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES I ASK ‘EM ON FACEBOOK. DESIGNER FASHIONS AT AFFORDABLE PRICES. WHAT MORE COULD YOU WANT IN THIS WORLD? TAMMY ACTUALLY BLOCKED ME. DAMN NEAR BROKE MY HEART IN TWO.

IT’S LIKE I DON’T EVEN KNOW MY BABIES NO MORE.

7:20 pm - Thu, Nov 15, 2012
1,701 notes
WONDERFUL, MY LEG’S ASLEEP.
NOT JUST MY LEG. MY BUTT. MY WHOLE BUTT IS TOTALLY ASLEEP. HOW DOES THAT EVEN HAPPEN? HOW LONG HAVE I BEEN SITTING HERE? WHAT WAS I THINKING ABOUT? WHY DID I SIT DOWN IN THE FIRST PLACE? 
OH GOD, IT’S MY WHOLE PELVIC GIRDLE. I CAN’T FEEL ANYTHING DOWN THERE.
…
…
… MIGHT AS WELL TAKE A NAP, I GUESS.

WONDERFUL, MY LEG’S ASLEEP.

NOT JUST MY LEG. MY BUTT. MY WHOLE BUTT IS TOTALLY ASLEEP. HOW DOES THAT EVEN HAPPEN? HOW LONG HAVE I BEEN SITTING HERE? WHAT WAS I THINKING ABOUT? WHY DID I SIT DOWN IN THE FIRST PLACE? 

OH GOD, IT’S MY WHOLE PELVIC GIRDLE. I CAN’T FEEL ANYTHING DOWN THERE.

… MIGHT AS WELL TAKE A NAP, I GUESS.

4:15 pm
6,876 notes
HELLO THERE! YOU MUST BE FROM HOTEL SERVICES! ARE THOSE THE BED LINENS WE ORDERED? GREAT! I’LL JUST TAKE THOSE FROM YOU AND YOU CAN SCOOT BACK DOWN TO THE FRONT DESK BECAUSE THERE’S NOTHING TO SEE HERE. NO SIR. JUST A RELAXING DAY AT THE OLD DOWNTOWN MARRIOTT. CATCHING UP ON OUR READING AND THINGS LIKE THAT. THANKS SO MUCH. HAVE A NICE AFTERNOON.

HELLO THERE! YOU MUST BE FROM HOTEL SERVICES! ARE THOSE THE BED LINENS WE ORDERED? GREAT! I’LL JUST TAKE THOSE FROM YOU AND YOU CAN SCOOT BACK DOWN TO THE FRONT DESK BECAUSE THERE’S NOTHING TO SEE HERE. NO SIR. JUST A RELAXING DAY AT THE OLD DOWNTOWN MARRIOTT. CATCHING UP ON OUR READING AND THINGS LIKE THAT. THANKS SO MUCH. HAVE A NICE AFTERNOON.

10:43 pm - Wed, Nov 14, 2012
2,385 notes
I NEVER THOUGHT I’D SAY THIS, BUT I THINK WE SHOULD GET THE BAND BACK TOGETHER.

I NEVER THOUGHT I’D SAY THIS, BUT I THINK WE SHOULD GET THE BAND BACK TOGETHER.

4:17 pm
3,506 notes
I SAID I HAVE A HEADACHE, CARL. I’M NOT IN THE MOOD.
I SWEAR TO GOD YOU’RE LIKE A TEENAGER SOMETIMES.

I SAID I HAVE A HEADACHE, CARL. I’M NOT IN THE MOOD.

I SWEAR TO GOD YOU’RE LIKE A TEENAGER SOMETIMES.

7:20 pm - Tue, Nov 13, 2012
1,332 notes
DARREN, WAIT! DON’T FORGET DISHSOAP! I FORGOT TO PUT IT ON THE LIST!

DARREN, WAIT! DON’T FORGET DISHSOAP! I FORGOT TO PUT IT ON THE LIST!

5:18 pm
671 notes

Guys, guys …

(and by guys I mostly mean ladies, because let’s face it, 87% of my followers are women and that makes me smile)

1. Yes, those are Jenna Marbles’ dogs. Because I love Jenna Marbles, and her dogs.

2. You do know that every photo I know the source for has a click-through link, right?

You just click on the picture and it takes you to a flickr, a tumblr, something else that inexplicably has no ‘e’ in its name, a portfolio, an Instagram, or things of that nature?

Seriously, try it. Just click on Kermit and Marbles down there and watch what happens.

Did you click? 

BOOM. Right to the source, just like that.

Seriously, I thought everybody knew about this, but I have obviously been remiss in mentioning it based solely on the number of “Are those Jenna Marbles’ dogs?” or “You know those are Jenna Marbles’ dogs, right?” comments/emails I have received.

So yes, I do know, and now everyone else does too. Please pop on over to Jenna’s website and tell her she’s a national treasure because she is. Then feel free to click through a bunch of other photos and examine some of the many fine weirdos whose photography provides the inspiration for this neverending stream of inanity and absurdism I spend my nights (and mornings) making, in a constant attempt to get you to smile.

I love you.

Your outfit looks great today.

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