ANIMALS TALKING IN ALL CAPS

WELCOME HOME. I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT BE IN A BAD MOOD FROM WORKING SO HARD SO I CREATED MANY FUN SURPRISES FOR YOU ALL OVER THE HOUSE.

SEVERAL SURPRISES WERE MADE INSIDE MY OWN BODY, WHICH IS VERY CLOSE TO MY HEART, SPATIALLY.

SEVERAL OTHERS ARE ART PROJECTS I MADE USING SIMPLE HOUSEHOLD ITEMS LIKE YOUR TRASH, THE FLAVORLESS MARSHMALLOW STUFF INSIDE THE COUCH, AND THE CONTENTS OF THE PANTRY.

THANK YOU FOR NOT SHUTTING THE PANTRY DOOR, BY THE WAY. THERE WERE SO MANY USEFUL ART SUPPLIES IN THERE.

AND … TEN.

GOOD, THAT’S GOOD, BUT DON’T RELAX. KEEP THAT CORE TIGHT BECAUSE REMEMBER, THIS ISN’T JUST STRENGTH TRAINING, THIS IS AEROBIC EXERCISE, SO WE’RE GOING TO KEEP THAT HEART RATE ELEVATED BY MOVING IMMEDIATELY TO A NEW EXERCISE AND THAT’S GOING TO HELP YOU BURN THOSE CALORIES, OKAY? 

SO AS WE FINISH THOSE INCLINE PUSH UPS WE’RE GOING TO SWITCH TARGET ZONES AND MOVE RIGHT INTO SOME KICKBACKS. WATCH HOW I’M JUST GOING TO RAISE MY LEG OUT STRAIGHT BEHIND ME, KEEPING THE MUSCLES TIGHT THE ENTIRE TIME, AND REALLY JUST HAMMER THOSE GLUTES. NOTHING SAYS “OPEN FOR BUSINESS” LIKE SOME ROCK HARD GLUTES, AM I RIGHT?

OKAY, ON THREE. REMEMBER TO BREATHE. ONE. TWO …

HEY! COME BACK HERE AND SAY THAT TO MY FACE!

TO MY FACE, BRO! DO YOU HEAR ME?

TO MY FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACE!

MAJOR COLE, THIS IS WILSON IN SECTOR L-77. RECONNAISSANCE REPORT FOR 0800 HOURS IS GOING TO BE ANOTHER NEGATIVE. I’M SORRY. I’VE BEEN OVER EVERY INCH OF THIS TERRITORY AT MULTIPLE ALTITUDES. IF THEY WERE HERE THEY’RE GONE NOW, AND LIKELY HAVE BEEN FOR QUITE SOME TIME. I’M NOT SEEING ANY SIGNS OF ACTIVITY, LET ALONE SETTLEMENT.

Roger that, Wilson. What about audio? Are you picking up a prairie song of any sort?

NEGATIVE, PAULA. NO SIGN OF YOUR HAPPY ENDING EITHER I’M AFRAID.

Damn it, Wilson! Where have all the cowboys gone?

LOOK, MAN, I DON’T KNOW, YOU KNOW?

IT’S A CRAZY WORLD. I JUST TRY TO BE NICE AND MAYBE MAKE PEOPLE LAUGH ONCE IN A WHILE.

DOES IT WORK? WHO KNOWS. NOT ME. I DON’T KNOW.

YOU KNOW?

IT’S BEEN LIKE, SIX DAYS AND YOU HAVEN’T GONE.

AFTER THE SECOND OR THIRD DAY I COULDN’T HELP BUT TAKE IT PERSONALLY. 

IT’S NOT CALLED WORDS WITH YOURSELF, MARK. IT’S WORDS WITH FRIENDS.

FOR A SECOND I THOUGHT THAT WAS THE COORS LIGHT TRAIN.

NO, THE COORS LIGHT TRAIN ONLY GOES TO HETERO BEACH PARTIES, SO I ORDERED A TRUCK FULL OF VODKA TONICS.

AWESOME. THAT’S SO MUCH BETTER FOR MY TASTE BUDS AND MY WAISTLINE.

PREACH.

WE SHOULD GET OUT OF HERE, MAN. JUST HOP IN THE CAR AND GO, YOU KNOW? NO FORWARDING ADDRESS, NO ROAD ATLAS, NO LOOKING BACK. LET’S JUST HIT THE OPEN HIGHWAY, THROW CAUTION TO THE WIND, SIEZE THE MOMENT. 

OR WE COULD GET SOME TATTOOS, YEAH? LET’S JUST GET ALL INKED UP AND START CARRYING KNIVES. LET’S LIVE OUTSIDE THE LAW. WE CAN CARVE A TRAIL OF BLOOD AND FIRE ACROSS THE AMERICAN WEST. DIE SOMEWHERE IN THE BADLANDS, CUT DOWN IN A HAIL OF BULLETS.

OR CROSSFIT! WE COULD JOIN CROSSFIT GYM. THEY JUST OPENED ONE NEAR THE PANERA BREAD ON 6TH. HIGH INTENSITY INTERVAL TRAINING. KILLER CARDIO. FINALLY SHED THOSE EXTRA POUNDS.

OR, UH …

OKAY, LOOK, I’VE BEEN ABUSING METH PRETTY REGULARLY FOR A VERY LONG TIME, SO IT MIGHT ACTUALLY BE BETTER IF YOU DECIDE WHAT WE’RE DOING TONIGHT. HONESTLY, I DON’T CARE. I’M DOWN FOR WHATEVER.

WE’RE JUST DRIFTING APART. I HAVE SO MANY GOALS AND ASPIRATIONS, SUCH AN URGE TO SEE THE WORLD AND MAKE MY MARK IN IT. I DON’T KNOW IF YOU HAVE EVEN THE SMALLEST OF DREAMS, OR A VISION FOR YOUR OWN FUTURE, LET ALONE OURS.

ARE YOU BREAKING UP WITH ME? I WAS GOING TO TAKE YOU TO OLIVE GARDEN FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY.

SEE? THAT’S A METAPHOR FOR OUR ENTIRE RELATIONSHIP.

THIS JACUZZI APPEARS TO BE BROKEN AND I CAN’T GET INTO THAT ROOM OVER THERE BECAUSE THERE’S A LID ON IT.

I EXPECT A FULL REFUND.

OH, DAMN IT ALL I’M A FRAUD. 

THE COMPOSITION’S SHIT, THE HERMENEUTICAL DIALECTIC IS PROBLEMATIC AT BEST, AND  I HIGHLY DOUBT OMITTING OCHRE WAS THE CORRECT CHOICE VIS A VIS MY INTENDED POLEMIC.

I MIGHT AS WELL BE BOB FUCKING ROSS.

TOM HARDY HASN’T ANSWERED A SINGLE ONE OF MY FAN LETTERS.

YOU SEND LETTERS? THAT’S SO OLD FASHIONED. I’VE MAILED HIM FOUR EXTREMELY LONG AND INCREASINGLY PROVOCATIVE PHOTOBOOTH VIDEOS ON TINY FLASH DRIVES.

WOW. AND NO RESPONSE?

NOT A WORD.

WHAT A JERK. SOMEONE SHOULD SMACK HIS SUCCULENT, PLUMP LIPS. 

RIGHT? THEY OUGHT TO SLAP HIM RIGHT IN HIS THICK, DENSE PECS.

I BET THAT WOULD SOUND AMAZING.

LIKE THROWING A STEAK ONTO A MARBLE COUNTERTOP.

… MAN, IT’S REALLY WARM IN HERE.

I NOTICED THAT TOO.

OH YEAH, I THINK THAT CHAD NOODLEBACK AND AVRIL LAVIGNE COLLABORATIVE RECORD IS GOING TO BE AMAZING. I CAN’T WAIT FOR IT.

Because you’re Canadian?

NO, BECAUSE I’M DEAF.

I WON’T ACTUALLY HAVE TO EXPERIENCE THE HORRIBLE TORTURE OF THE RECORD ITSELF, BUT THE AGONIZED SCREAMS AND WOEFUL GROANS OF THE MILLIONS OF PEOPLE WHO ACCIDENTALLY HEAR THE SINGLES ON THE RADIO WILL BLEND INTO SOME SORT OF STEADY, VIBRATORY HUM THAT I CAN FEEL IN MY GUT AND FINGERTIPS, AND THAT WILL BE LIKE MUSIC TO ME.

WAY BETTER MUSIC, OBVIOUSLY, THAN CHAVRIL COULD POSSIBLY PRODUCE.

I FEEL SO OUT OF TOUCH WITH MY SON. I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT KIND OF THINGS HE LIKES, OR WHAT HIS INTERESTS ARE. I’LL JUST TAKE A QUICK PEEK AT HIS INTERNET SEARCH HISTORY AND-

OH.

OH MY.

… I’VE MADE A HUGE MISTAKE.

THANK YOU, CAROL, FOR THAT RIVETING LOOK AT GANG VIOLENCE IN PRE-K SCHOOLING. CERTAINLY A RISING CONCERN. WE TAKE YOU NOW TO CHRIS FINLEY, REPORTING LIVE FROM DEEP INSIDE A GAY DISCOTHEQUE IN ONE OF THE CITY’S MANY LIBERAL NEIGHBORHOODS. CHRIS?

THANK YOU SHEILA.

WELL, IT’S PRETTY MUCH EXACTLY HOW I ALWAYS PICTURED IT.