ANIMALS TALKING IN ALL CAPS

I BOUGHT THIS JASMINE AND LILY HEALING MASK BECAUSE I WAS WORRIED ABOUT MY ROSACEA ACTING UP. SOMEHOW IT STILL MADE ME BREAK OUT EVEN THOUGH IT’S 90% BOTANICALS WITH A ROSEWATER BASE. AND IT WAS SO EXPENSIVE! NOW LOOK AT ME. THIS IS GOING TO BE THE WORST DATE EVER. HE’S GOING TO TAKE ONE LOOK AT MY FACE AND LEAVE. 

… MY EYESHADOW IS LOOKING AWESOME TODAY, THOUGH. GO FIGURE.

WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO? IS IT THE POPULAR ELECTRONIC MUSIC SUBGENRE ‘DUBSTEP’?

No, it’s a motivational podcast I made for myself.

FULL OF SONGS THAT INSPIRE YOU TO ‘SIEZE THE DAY’?

No, it’s just me repeating “You are a total stud” over and over again for six hours.

DOES THAT WORK?

Obviously.

RIGHT? GARY GOT IT FOR ME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY.

I COULDN’T BELIEVE IT. NORMALLY HE DOESN’T HAVE A ROMANTIC BONE IN HIS BODY. I THINK IT’S THE ACTIVIA. HE STARTED EATING MINE IN THE MORNINGS AND NOW HE GOES THROUGH A CASE EVERY THREE OR FOUR DAYS. HE’S SO FULL OF BIFIDUS REGULARIS HE DOESN’T EVEN KNOW WHAT PLANET HE’S ON.

IT’S CRAZY. WE EVEN HAD S-E-X, AND YOU KNOW HOW LONG IT’S BEEN SINCE THAT HAPPENED.

THAT ONE TOTALLY LOOKS LIKE A DICK.

SUSPENDED ANIMATION, AGENT MOOREHOUSE! THE SLOWING OF THE BODY’S VITAL FUNCTIONS TO PROLONG LIFE. IN THIS CASE CHEMICALLY, USING A SPECIALLY DESIGNED INHIBITOR DELIVERED VIA THE RESPIRATORY SYSTEM, ALTHOUGH IN THE PAST WE TRIED CRYOGENIC FREEZING TECHNIQUES AND INDUCED HYPOTHERMIA, AND BEFORE THAT ALCHEMICAL COMPOUNDS AND INJECTIONS OF SUBSTANCES NEVER MEANT TO EXIST, THE UNFORTUNATE RESULTS OF WHICH YOU SEE BEFORE YOU.

MISSHAPEN THOUGH I MAY NOW BE, THE MIND BEHIND THE MONSTER IS KEEN AS EVER. I HAVE SURVIVED CENTURIES, RISEN AGAIN AND AGAIN TO GATHER UNTO MYSELF EVER GREATER POWER. WITH YOUR MEDDLING YOU HAVE ONLY SUCCEEDED IN POSTPONING THE INEVITABLE. WHEN NEXT I RISE YOU WILL BE DUST, AND NOTHING WILL STAND IN THE WAY OF MY ASCENSCION.

PUT DOWN THE GUN. THE STASIS CHAMBER IS IMPERVIOUS TO DAMAGE. IT HAS SURVIVED THE DEPTHS OF THE SEA AND THE IMPACT OF BOULDERS. YOU WERE A WORTHY ADVERSARY, AGENT MOORHOUSE, BUT THERE IS NOTHING MORE YOU CAN DO. MY HENCHMEN APPROACH. RUN NOW, WHILE YOU MAY.

IF YOUR CHILDREN EVER THINK TO HAVE CHILDREN, AGENT MOOREHOUSE, ADVISE THEM AGAINST IT. IN A CENTURY THIS WHOLE PLANET SHALL BELONG TO ME.

I WILL FIND THEM, AND THEY WILL PAY FOR YOUR INTERFERENCE! I SLEEP, BUT I DO NOT FORGET!

MARLENE.

I … DIDN’T EXPECT TO SEE YOU HERE.

AFTER YOU LEFT ME AND MOVED OFF TO BERLIN WITH THAT PAINTER I ASSUMED WE’D NEVER MEET AGAIN.

I SPENT SOME MONTHS AT SEA … TRYING TO FORGET YOU. I DABBLED IN OPIATES … 

MY GOD YOU LOOK STUNNING.

SERIOUSLY? YOU GUYS UNFRIENDED ME ON FACEBOOK?

THAT’S BULLSHIT! WE’RE ROOMMATES! 

WOW, WALK MUCH?

EVEN IF YOU DIDN’T SMELL LIKE A JACK DANIELS TRUCK DROVE THROUGH A FERTILIZER FACTORY THE WIGGLE DANCE YOU’RE DOING JUST TRYING TO GO IN A STRAIGHT LINE PRETTY MUCH SCREAMS “I’M WASTED.”

I KNOW YOU’RE UPSET ABOUT NOT GETTING THAT PROMOTION BUT IT’S 12:30, MAN. YOU NEED TO SLOW DOWN. LET’S GET YOU SOME BURGER KING OR SOMETHING.

I CAN’T TELL IF IT’S MORE GAUCHE FOR YOU TO ASK OR FOR ME TO ANSWER, BUT I PAY $2200 A MONTH. I HAD A PLACE IN FLUSHING THAT WAS EIGHT TIMES THIS SIZE BUT IT SMELLED LIKE TERIYAKI AND LITERALLY NOBODY WOULD VISIT ME, SO I MOVED TO THE EAST VILLAGE.

I’D INVITE YOU INSIDE BUT THERE’S NOT REALLY ANY ROOM.

YOU THINKING WHAT I’M THINKING?

… I WANT MY BABY BACK BABY BACK BABY BACK!

I WANT MY BABY BACK BABY BACK BABY BACK!

I WANT MY

REYYYYYYYYYYKJAVIK

BABY BACK RIBS

WITH THE BARBECUE SAUCE!

IT WAS REALLY WEIRD. ONE DAY I WENT TO THE PIZZA PLACE NEXT TO THE BAR DURING THE DAY, SOBER, AND I REALIZED THAT IT’S ACTUALLY SOME OF THE WORST PIZZA ON EARTH. THEN I WATCHED MY FAVORITE TV SHOW WHEN I WASN’T HIGH AND IT WASN’T FUNNY AT ALL. AFTER THAT I TOOK TWO WEEKS OFF ALL SUBSTANCES AND REALIZED I DIDN’T ACTUALLY LIKE ANY OF MY FRIENDS, MY MUSIC, OR MY HOBBIES.

TURNS OUT I’M NOT BISEXUAL, I REALLY LIKE COOKING, AND BOOKS ARE KIND OF AWESOME.

I HAD NO IDEA.

I THINK I LEFT MY FRONT DOOR UNLOCKED.

SERIOUSLY? THAT’S WHAT YOU’RE THINKING ABOUT RIGHT NOW?

WELL, I DON’T HAVE RENTER’S INSURANCE.

OR TACT, APPARENTLY.

WHEN’S THE LAST TIME WE WERE INTIMATE? WELL, YOU’D HAVE TO DEFINE ‘INTIMATE’ FOR ME, DOC. I’M NOT SURE I REMEMBER WHAT THAT MEANS.

HE KNOWS WHAT IT MEANS, DOCTOR. HE’S TRYING TO BE FUNNY. HE THINKS HE’S VERY CLEVER.

IT’S ACTUALLY A DEFENSE MECHANISM, DOC. I HAD TO DEVELOP IT TO SURVIVE IN THE TUNDRA, WHICH IS WHAT I CALL OUR BEDROOM DUE TO THEIR SIMILAR ENVIRONMENTAL CONDITIONS.

DO YOU SEE WHAT I HAVE TO PUT UP WITH, DOCTOR? WHO CAN BE INTIMATE IN THE FACE OF SUCH BEHAVIOR?

YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE INTIMATE WITH MY FACE, SHERRY. I CAN THINK OF SEVERAL OTHER BODY PARTS YOU COULD START WITH. I’M SURE THE DOCTOR HAS A CHART SOMEWHERE YOU COULD LOOK AT, IF YOU’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT THEY ARE. RIGHT, DOC?

DOCTOR, PLEASE TELL HIM, CLINICALLY, THAT HE IS NOT FUNNY.

SPEAKING OF NOT FUNNY, DOC, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SEX LIFE THESE PAST FEW YEARS?

IT’S LIKE BEING MARRIED TO A CHILD.

I DON’T CARE WHAT HAPPENED ON GLEE BECAUSE I DON’T WATCH GLEE! THIS IS NOT A DIFFICULT CONCEPT!