4:17 pm - Wed, Nov 14, 2012
3,506 notes
I SAID I HAVE A HEADACHE, CARL. I’M NOT IN THE MOOD.
I SWEAR TO GOD YOU’RE LIKE A TEENAGER SOMETIMES.

I SAID I HAVE A HEADACHE, CARL. I’M NOT IN THE MOOD.

I SWEAR TO GOD YOU’RE LIKE A TEENAGER SOMETIMES.

7:20 pm - Tue, Nov 13, 2012
1,330 notes
DARREN, WAIT! DON’T FORGET DISHSOAP! I FORGOT TO PUT IT ON THE LIST!

DARREN, WAIT! DON’T FORGET DISHSOAP! I FORGOT TO PUT IT ON THE LIST!

5:18 pm
670 notes

Guys, guys …

(and by guys I mostly mean ladies, because let’s face it, 87% of my followers are women and that makes me smile)

1. Yes, those are Jenna Marbles’ dogs. Because I love Jenna Marbles, and her dogs.

2. You do know that every photo I know the source for has a click-through link, right?

You just click on the picture and it takes you to a flickr, a tumblr, something else that inexplicably has no ‘e’ in its name, a portfolio, an Instagram, or things of that nature?

Seriously, try it. Just click on Kermit and Marbles down there and watch what happens.

Did you click? 

BOOM. Right to the source, just like that.

Seriously, I thought everybody knew about this, but I have obviously been remiss in mentioning it based solely on the number of “Are those Jenna Marbles’ dogs?” or “You know those are Jenna Marbles’ dogs, right?” comments/emails I have received.

So yes, I do know, and now everyone else does too. Please pop on over to Jenna’s website and tell her she’s a national treasure because she is. Then feel free to click through a bunch of other photos and examine some of the many fine weirdos whose photography provides the inspiration for this neverending stream of inanity and absurdism I spend my nights (and mornings) making, in a constant attempt to get you to smile.

I love you.

Your outfit looks great today.

4:11 pm
21,496 notes
HEY, WE WERE WONDERING IF YOU’D LIKE TO-
JOIN OUR GANG OR DIE.
JUST BE IN OUR GANG, ACTUALLY. WE NEED-
TOUGH-ASS MOTHERFUCKERS WILLING TO POP OFF AT A MOMENT’S NOTICE.
SOMEONE TO WEAR THE GREEN HOODIE, IS WHAT I WAS GOING TO SAY. IT’S NOT LIKE, FOREST GREEN, OBVI. WE’RE MORE OF A BRIGHT PASTEL-
BUNCH OF HARDCORE GANGSTERS DOING HARDCORE GANGSTER SHIT.
WE MOSTLY JUST GET PINKBERRY AND THEN HANG OUT IN THE PARK. 
WORD. THE SCULPTURE GARDEN DOWN BY THE RIVER IS BEAUTIFUL IN THE FALL. ESPECIALLY WITH THAT NICE-ASS SUNLIGHT ALL REFLECTING OFF THE WATER AND SHIT.
TODD’S TRYING TO TOUGHEN UP OUR IMAGE. HE THINKS WE’RE A LITTLE ‘SOFT’.
GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.
A NICE CHARTREUSE GREEN WOULD GO GREAT WITH YOUR HAIR.
HONESTLY, IT REALLY WOULD.

HEY, WE WERE WONDERING IF YOU’D LIKE TO-

JOIN OUR GANG OR DIE.

JUST BE IN OUR GANG, ACTUALLY. WE NEED-

TOUGH-ASS MOTHERFUCKERS WILLING TO POP OFF AT A MOMENT’S NOTICE.

SOMEONE TO WEAR THE GREEN HOODIE, IS WHAT I WAS GOING TO SAY. IT’S NOT LIKE, FOREST GREEN, OBVI. WE’RE MORE OF A BRIGHT PASTEL-

BUNCH OF HARDCORE GANGSTERS DOING HARDCORE GANGSTER SHIT.

WE MOSTLY JUST GET PINKBERRY AND THEN HANG OUT IN THE PARK. 

WORD. THE SCULPTURE GARDEN DOWN BY THE RIVER IS BEAUTIFUL IN THE FALL. ESPECIALLY WITH THAT NICE-ASS SUNLIGHT ALL REFLECTING OFF THE WATER AND SHIT.

TODD’S TRYING TO TOUGHEN UP OUR IMAGE. HE THINKS WE’RE A LITTLE ‘SOFT’.

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.

A NICE CHARTREUSE GREEN WOULD GO GREAT WITH YOUR HAIR.

HONESTLY, IT REALLY WOULD.

6:01 pm - Mon, Nov 12, 2012
829 notes
OH GOD! EWWW. OH, EW.
DARREN, GRAB SOME PAPER TOWEL OR A SHOE OR A FLAMETHROWER OR SOMETHING! THERE’S ONE OF THOSE THINGS THAT’S JUST A THOUSAND HORRIBLE WISPY LEGS OVER BY THE TOILET!
A CENTIPEDE?
I GUESS. JUST HURRY, PLEASE. IF IT MOVES I’LL THROW UP.

OH GOD! EWWW. OH, EW.

DARREN, GRAB SOME PAPER TOWEL OR A SHOE OR A FLAMETHROWER OR SOMETHING! THERE’S ONE OF THOSE THINGS THAT’S JUST A THOUSAND HORRIBLE WISPY LEGS OVER BY THE TOILET!

A CENTIPEDE?

I GUESS. JUST HURRY, PLEASE. IF IT MOVES I’LL THROW UP.

4:01 pm
2,311 notes
THEN WHAT HAPPENS?
Then the baby chews its way out of her and she dies.
ARE YOU SERIOUS?
I wish. No. It just breaks a bunch of her bones and her spine and stuff so Edward has to make her a vampire.
THIS WON ‘CHILDREN’S BOOK OF THE YEAR’?
I think that was sales based. You can’t underestimate the American 50+ women’s demographic. They’ll literally buy anything with a sex scene in it.

THEN WHAT HAPPENS?

Then the baby chews its way out of her and she dies.

ARE YOU SERIOUS?

I wish. No. It just breaks a bunch of her bones and her spine and stuff so Edward has to make her a vampire.

THIS WON ‘CHILDREN’S BOOK OF THE YEAR’?

I think that was sales based. You can’t underestimate the American 50+ women’s demographic. They’ll literally buy anything with a sex scene in it.

1:20 am - Sat, Nov 10, 2012
27,169 notes
SORRY I COULDN’T BRAID YOUR HAIR, EMILY. NO OPPOSABLE THUMBS.
It’s okay, I like talking to you more than I like playing salon. You’re really smart, plus you ate Cindy Meyers for me.
SHE ASKED JIMMY TO THE DANCE WHEN SHE KNEW YOU LIKED HIM. I DID WHAT ANY FRIEND WOULD DO.
She was a total B-I-T-C-H.
THAT SPELLS BITCH! 
I know. I’m really good at spelling. So is Jimmy. 
YOU TWO ARE GOING TO BE SO HAPPY TOGETHER.
We are now that Cindy Meyers is gone.

SORRY I COULDN’T BRAID YOUR HAIR, EMILY. NO OPPOSABLE THUMBS.

It’s okay, I like talking to you more than I like playing salon. You’re really smart, plus you ate Cindy Meyers for me.

SHE ASKED JIMMY TO THE DANCE WHEN SHE KNEW YOU LIKED HIM. I DID WHAT ANY FRIEND WOULD DO.

She was a total B-I-T-C-H.

THAT SPELLS BITCH! 

I know. I’m really good at spelling. So is Jimmy. 

YOU TWO ARE GOING TO BE SO HAPPY TOGETHER.

We are now that Cindy Meyers is gone.

3:46 pm - Fri, Nov 9, 2012
1,058 notes
LOOK AT YOU. SO SAD ALL THE TIME. ALWAYS FRETTING. IT BREAKS MY HEART.
YOU KNOW WHAT YOU NEED? SOME SMILE JUICE. A NICE TALL GLASS OR TWO OF SMILE JUICE. IT’S MADE FROM THE JOYOUS TEARS OF THE HAPPIEST GRAPES IN THE WORLD.
I ALWAYS HAVE A BOTTLE OR TWO OF SMILE JUICE AT LUNCH. IT’S HOW I STAY SO PERKY.
STOP YOUR FRUMPING. COME ON OVER HERE AND HAVE A LITTLE TASTE.

LOOK AT YOU. SO SAD ALL THE TIME. ALWAYS FRETTING. IT BREAKS MY HEART.

YOU KNOW WHAT YOU NEED? SOME SMILE JUICE. A NICE TALL GLASS OR TWO OF SMILE JUICE. IT’S MADE FROM THE JOYOUS TEARS OF THE HAPPIEST GRAPES IN THE WORLD.

I ALWAYS HAVE A BOTTLE OR TWO OF SMILE JUICE AT LUNCH. IT’S HOW I STAY SO PERKY.

STOP YOUR FRUMPING. COME ON OVER HERE AND HAVE A LITTLE TASTE.

6:00 pm - Thu, Nov 8, 2012
4,615 notes
I DON’T WANT YOU TO PANIC OR ANYTHING BUT YOU ARE ON A LOT OF ACID RIGHT NOW.

I DON’T WANT YOU TO PANIC OR ANYTHING BUT YOU ARE ON A LOT OF ACID RIGHT NOW.

11:31 am
1,996 notes
I’M SERIOUS, GET ME THE HELL OUT OF HERE. YOU SAID YOU WERE GOING OUT FOR A CIGARETTE LIKE, TWO HOURS AGO. THIS GUY HAS BEEN TALKING TO ME ABOUT SOMETHING CALLED ‘SKYRIM’ EVER SINCE YOU LEFT.
OUR FRIENDSHIP IS HANGING IN THE BALANCE HERE. FIND YOUR OTHER SHOE AND LET’S GO.

I’M SERIOUS, GET ME THE HELL OUT OF HERE. YOU SAID YOU WERE GOING OUT FOR A CIGARETTE LIKE, TWO HOURS AGO. THIS GUY HAS BEEN TALKING TO ME ABOUT SOMETHING CALLED ‘SKYRIM’ EVER SINCE YOU LEFT.

OUR FRIENDSHIP IS HANGING IN THE BALANCE HERE. FIND YOUR OTHER SHOE AND LET’S GO.

7:31 pm - Wed, Nov 7, 2012
2,592 notes
GO, MARTIN. LIVE FREE, AMONGST YOUR OWN KIND.
I’m just going to work.
I HAVE DREAMED OF THIS ‘OFFICE MAX.’ IT IS A PLACE OF GREAT BEAUTY.
You’re drunk again, aren’t you?
I’M FUCKING WASTED. I CAN’T EVEN OPEN MY EYES OR I’LL FALL OVER.

GO, MARTIN. LIVE FREE, AMONGST YOUR OWN KIND.

I’m just going to work.

I HAVE DREAMED OF THIS ‘OFFICE MAX.’ IT IS A PLACE OF GREAT BEAUTY.

You’re drunk again, aren’t you?

I’M FUCKING WASTED. I CAN’T EVEN OPEN MY EYES OR I’LL FALL OVER.

4:40 pm
3,048 notes
IT’S 3PM.
PLEASE GET UP. I’M STARVING.
LOOK, I KNOW YOU’RE UPSET ABOUT THE BREAKUP BUT LET’S FACE FACTS: DANIEL WAS AN EMOTIONALLY MANIPULATIVE MAN-CHILD WHOSE ONLY REDEEMING FEATURE WAS AN INEXPLICABLE CAPACITY FOR PERFECTLY RECALLING LATE ‘90S R&B LYRICS AND POSSIBLE ACCOMPANYING DANCE MOVES.
I’M NOT SAYING HE DIDN’T DO A PRETTY IMPRESSIVE DRU HILL, BUT THAT’S NOT SOMETHING THAT COULD HAVE SUSTAINED A RELATIONSHIP LONG-TERM, OKAY? IT REALLY ISN’T.

IT’S 3PM.

PLEASE GET UP. I’M STARVING.

LOOK, I KNOW YOU’RE UPSET ABOUT THE BREAKUP BUT LET’S FACE FACTS: DANIEL WAS AN EMOTIONALLY MANIPULATIVE MAN-CHILD WHOSE ONLY REDEEMING FEATURE WAS AN INEXPLICABLE CAPACITY FOR PERFECTLY RECALLING LATE ‘90S R&B LYRICS AND POSSIBLE ACCOMPANYING DANCE MOVES.

I’M NOT SAYING HE DIDN’T DO A PRETTY IMPRESSIVE DRU HILL, BUT THAT’S NOT SOMETHING THAT COULD HAVE SUSTAINED A RELATIONSHIP LONG-TERM, OKAY? IT REALLY ISN’T.

2:15 am
3,122 notes
YOU WANT TO LIVE FOREVER? BE MY GUEST. PERSONALLY, I’M NOT REALLY TRYING TO STICK AROUND, YOU FEEL ME? 
LIVE FAST, DIE FAST. THAT’S ALL I KNOW. THAT’S HOW I DO.
PASS ME THAT WHISKEY, WOULD YOU? PAPA’S THIRSTY.

YOU WANT TO LIVE FOREVER? BE MY GUEST. PERSONALLY, I’M NOT REALLY TRYING TO STICK AROUND, YOU FEEL ME? 

LIVE FAST, DIE FAST. THAT’S ALL I KNOW. THAT’S HOW I DO.

PASS ME THAT WHISKEY, WOULD YOU? PAPA’S THIRSTY.

3:13 pm - Tue, Nov 6, 2012
2,447 notes
STOP MAKING EXCUSES, BRUSH YOUR TEETH AND LET’S GO. 
THERE IS LITERALLY NOTHING MORE IMPORTANT YOU CAN DO TODAY, PLUS IF YOU DON’T VOTE YOU DON’T GET TO BITCH BOUT ANYTHING WHATSOEVER, EVER. THAT’S HOW DEMOCRACY WORKS.
HURRY UP. I’LL BE IN THE CAR.

STOP MAKING EXCUSES, BRUSH YOUR TEETH AND LET’S GO. 

THERE IS LITERALLY NOTHING MORE IMPORTANT YOU CAN DO TODAY, PLUS IF YOU DON’T VOTE YOU DON’T GET TO BITCH BOUT ANYTHING WHATSOEVER, EVER. THAT’S HOW DEMOCRACY WORKS.

HURRY UP. I’LL BE IN THE CAR.

7:20 pm - Mon, Nov 5, 2012
580 notes
COLLEEN, COME BACK. I MEAN IT. I LOVE YOU!
LET GO OF ME, FREDDY, AND PISS OFF. YOU CALLED ME A “COLD-BLOODED DEVIL BITCH” ON FACEBOOK. YOU THINK I’M GOING TO LET THAT SLIDE? WE’RE OVER.
I WAS JUST TRYING TO BE DESCRIPTIVE! SOME PEOPLE DON’T KNOW YOU! ONLY THE SECOND HALF WAS AN INSULT, AND I’M TRYING TO APOLOGIZE!
LET GO BEFORE I CALL THE COPS.

COLLEEN, COME BACK. I MEAN IT. I LOVE YOU!

LET GO OF ME, FREDDY, AND PISS OFF. YOU CALLED ME A “COLD-BLOODED DEVIL BITCH” ON FACEBOOK. YOU THINK I’M GOING TO LET THAT SLIDE? WE’RE OVER.

I WAS JUST TRYING TO BE DESCRIPTIVE! SOME PEOPLE DON’T KNOW YOU! ONLY THE SECOND HALF WAS AN INSULT, AND I’M TRYING TO APOLOGIZE!

LET GO BEFORE I CALL THE COPS.

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