6:20 pm - Fri, Nov 2, 2012
3,317 notes
YEAH, BEN WENT TO GO GET MORE TEQUILA. HE SHOULD BE BACK IN LIKE, FIFTEEN MINUTES.
IF YOU WANT THERE’S SOME CORONAS IN THE COOLER. THEY WON’T GET YOU DRUNK BUT IF YOU SHOVE ABOUT SEVEN LIME WEDGES IN THERE THEY STOP TASTING LIKE GENTLY CARBONATED WATER AND ARE ALMOST KIND OF GOOD.

YEAH, BEN WENT TO GO GET MORE TEQUILA. HE SHOULD BE BACK IN LIKE, FIFTEEN MINUTES.

IF YOU WANT THERE’S SOME CORONAS IN THE COOLER. THEY WON’T GET YOU DRUNK BUT IF YOU SHOVE ABOUT SEVEN LIME WEDGES IN THERE THEY STOP TASTING LIKE GENTLY CARBONATED WATER AND ARE ALMOST KIND OF GOOD.

3:40 pm
6,836 notes
FINALLY. WE’VE BEEN DRIVING FOR DAYS. 
I AM GOING TO BUY SO MANY FLÖRGS AND BJÅRNBLÛBS IT WILL MAKE YOUR FACE FALL OFF OF YOUR FACE.
OH, AND DON’T LET ME FORGET LITTLE LIGHTBULBS FOR MY SLÖLM.

FINALLY. WE’VE BEEN DRIVING FOR DAYS. 

I AM GOING TO BUY SO MANY FLÖRGS AND BJÅRNBLÛBS IT WILL MAKE YOUR FACE FALL OFF OF YOUR FACE.

OH, AND DON’T LET ME FORGET LITTLE LIGHTBULBS FOR MY SLÖLM.

6:20 pm - Thu, Nov 1, 2012
887 notes
HEY MAAAAAARK?
MARK HONEY?
MAAAAAAAARK!
MARK BABY I NEEEEEEEEED YOU!
I CAN’T GET THE LID OFF THIS JAAAAAAAAR!

HEY MAAAAAARK?

MARK HONEY?

MAAAAAAAARK!

MARK BABY I NEEEEEEEEED YOU!

I CAN’T GET THE LID OFF THIS JAAAAAAAAR!

3:40 pm
1,564 notes
HI GUYS. I’M SO SORRY I’M LATE. LISA LOEB’S ‘STAY’ CAME UP ON SHUFFLE AND I HAD TO SING ALONG TO IT 243 TIMES ON REPEAT. YOU KNOW HOW IT IS.
SO, JOGGING, HUH? LET’S DO THIS. 

HI GUYS. I’M SO SORRY I’M LATE. LISA LOEB’S ‘STAY’ CAME UP ON SHUFFLE AND I HAD TO SING ALONG TO IT 243 TIMES ON REPEAT. YOU KNOW HOW IT IS.

SO, JOGGING, HUH? LET’S DO THIS. 

7:00 pm - Wed, Oct 31, 2012
4,075 notes
ANDREA, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
BEYONCÉ.
WHAT IS THAT?
BOY DON’T EVEN TOUCH THIS. BOY THIS BEAT IS CRAZY. THIS IS HOW THEY MADE ME, HOUSTON TEXAS BABY! WHO RUN THE WORLD? GIRLS! WHO RUN THE WORLD? GIRLS! 
I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT. IS IT A POKEMON OR SOMETHING? DON’T YOU WANT TO BE A DOCTOR OR A LAWYER?
IT’S HOT UP IN HERE! DJ DON’T BE SCARED TO RUN THIS, RUN THIS BACK! I’M REPPING FOR THE GIRLS TAKING OVER THE WORLD, LET ME RAISE A GLASS FOR THE COLLEGE GRADS!
THAT’S GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME. LET’S GO GET SOME ICE CREAM

ANDREA, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?

BEYONCÉ.

WHAT IS THAT?

BOY DON’T EVEN TOUCH THIS. BOY THIS BEAT IS CRAZY. THIS IS HOW THEY MADE ME, HOUSTON TEXAS BABY! WHO RUN THE WORLD? GIRLS! WHO RUN THE WORLD? GIRLS! 

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT. IS IT A POKEMON OR SOMETHING? DON’T YOU WANT TO BE A DOCTOR OR A LAWYER?

IT’S HOT UP IN HERE! DJ DON’T BE SCARED TO RUN THIS, RUN THIS BACK! I’M REPPING FOR THE GIRLS TAKING OVER THE WORLD, LET ME RAISE A GLASS FOR THE COLLEGE GRADS!

THAT’S GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME. LET’S GO GET SOME ICE CREAM

5:00 pm
2,928 notes
PANTENE’S EXCLUSIVE FORMULAS ARE SPECIALLY DESIGNED TO HELP YOU GET THE LOOK YOU WANT WHILE KEEPING YOUR HAIR HEALTHY, SHINY AND DAMAGE FREE.

PANTENE’S EXCLUSIVE FORMULAS ARE SPECIALLY DESIGNED TO HELP YOU GET THE LOOK YOU WANT WHILE KEEPING YOUR HAIR HEALTHY, SHINY AND DAMAGE FREE.

(via animalstalkinginallcaps)

3:00 pm
1,777 notes
WHAT IS THAT SMELL? MARIJUANA? ANGEL DUSTS? ECSTASY? ARE YOU SMOKING ECSTASY? DON’T LIE TO ME! I KNOW WHAT’S GOING ON! I WATCH THE NEWS!
IT’S COLOGNE, MOM. YOU BOUGHT IT FOR ME FOR CHRISTMAS. I ALSO THINK WE NEED TO HAVE A TALK ABOUT WHICH NEWS STATIONS YOU WATCH. YOU’RE ABOUT AS INFORMED ABOUT THE DRUG MENACE AS YOU ARE ABOUT THE ELECTION.

WHAT IS THAT SMELL? MARIJUANA? ANGEL DUSTS? ECSTASY? ARE YOU SMOKING ECSTASY? DON’T LIE TO ME! I KNOW WHAT’S GOING ON! I WATCH THE NEWS!

IT’S COLOGNE, MOM. YOU BOUGHT IT FOR ME FOR CHRISTMAS. I ALSO THINK WE NEED TO HAVE A TALK ABOUT WHICH NEWS STATIONS YOU WATCH. YOU’RE ABOUT AS INFORMED ABOUT THE DRUG MENACE AS YOU ARE ABOUT THE ELECTION.

6:20 pm - Tue, Oct 30, 2012
2,895 notes
HOLY SHIT. STEVE THE TUBE. I HAVEN’T SEEN YOU SINCE HIGH SCHOOL. HOW ARE YOU? STILL A TUBE I SEE. THAT’S COOL. I’M IN ADVERTISING NOW. I WORK DOWN ON 35TH.

HOLY SHIT. STEVE THE TUBE. I HAVEN’T SEEN YOU SINCE HIGH SCHOOL. HOW ARE YOU? STILL A TUBE I SEE. THAT’S COOL. I’M IN ADVERTISING NOW. I WORK DOWN ON 35TH.

(via animalstalkinginallcaps)

3:40 pm
1,399 notes
DAD, WHAT IS MOM DOING?
WELL, JESSICA, I BELIEVE SHE’S TWERKING. YES. YES, SHE’S DEFINITELY TWERKING IT.
IS IT BECAUSE SHE HAD TWO ‘PERFECT MARGARITAS’ AT APPLEBEE’S?
YEP. UNDERNEATH THAT SENSIBLE AND RESERVED EXTERIOR SHE’S A BUBBLING CAULDRON OF P-POPPING AND BOOTY CLAPS. ALL IT TAKES IS TWO DRINKS. IT’S A BIG PART OF WHY I MARRIED HER.
CAN I TWERK TOO?
NOT UNLESS YOU WANT TO BE GROUNDED UNTIL YOU’RE OLD ENOUGH TO DRINK. COME ON, LET’S GO WATCH TV. SHE’LL BE DOING THAT FOR QUITE A WHILE.

DAD, WHAT IS MOM DOING?

WELL, JESSICA, I BELIEVE SHE’S TWERKING. YES. YES, SHE’S DEFINITELY TWERKING IT.

IS IT BECAUSE SHE HAD TWO ‘PERFECT MARGARITAS’ AT APPLEBEE’S?

YEP. UNDERNEATH THAT SENSIBLE AND RESERVED EXTERIOR SHE’S A BUBBLING CAULDRON OF P-POPPING AND BOOTY CLAPS. ALL IT TAKES IS TWO DRINKS. IT’S A BIG PART OF WHY I MARRIED HER.

CAN I TWERK TOO?

NOT UNLESS YOU WANT TO BE GROUNDED UNTIL YOU’RE OLD ENOUGH TO DRINK. COME ON, LET’S GO WATCH TV. SHE’LL BE DOING THAT FOR QUITE A WHILE.

6:20 pm - Mon, Oct 29, 2012
3,328 notes
DO ME A FAVOR AND WAKE ME UP WHEN WE GET TO BEAVERTON, WOULD YOU? I DIDN’T HAVE TIME TO GRAB COFFEE THIS MORNING.
AND WATCH YOUR SHOES, THERE’S A PUDDLE.
COULD BE SNAPPLE OR SOMETHING, BUT LET’S BE HONEST, IT’S PROBABLY PEE.
DON’T MAKE THAT FACE. AT LEAST THEY HAD THE DECENCY TO GO ON THE FLOOR. IF YOU’VE NEVER HAD THE EXPERIENCE OF SITTING IN SOMEONE ELSE’S PEE PUDDLE YOU’RE ACTUALLY A PRIVILEGED MINORITY IN THE WIDE WORLD OF PUBLIC TRANSIT.

DO ME A FAVOR AND WAKE ME UP WHEN WE GET TO BEAVERTON, WOULD YOU? I DIDN’T HAVE TIME TO GRAB COFFEE THIS MORNING.

AND WATCH YOUR SHOES, THERE’S A PUDDLE.

COULD BE SNAPPLE OR SOMETHING, BUT LET’S BE HONEST, IT’S PROBABLY PEE.

DON’T MAKE THAT FACE. AT LEAST THEY HAD THE DECENCY TO GO ON THE FLOOR. IF YOU’VE NEVER HAD THE EXPERIENCE OF SITTING IN SOMEONE ELSE’S PEE PUDDLE YOU’RE ACTUALLY A PRIVILEGED MINORITY IN THE WIDE WORLD OF PUBLIC TRANSIT.

3:40 pm
1,249 notes
I WAS THINKING ECRU FOR THE CURTAINS.
MAYBE SOMETHING IN A SOFT SEAFOAM FOR THE COUCH. 

I WAS THINKING ECRU FOR THE CURTAINS.

MAYBE SOMETHING IN A SOFT SEAFOAM FOR THE COUCH. 

6:40 pm - Sat, Oct 27, 2012
4,638 notes
COME BACK HERE. WHY YOU BREAK MY HEART INTO PIECES?
WHERE YOU GO? OUT WITH BOY?
WHAT YOU DO? WHEN YOU COME HOME?
… GO THEN. PUT SALT INTO THE FIELDS OF MY LOVE FOR YOU.

COME BACK HERE. WHY YOU BREAK MY HEART INTO PIECES?

WHERE YOU GO? OUT WITH BOY?

WHAT YOU DO? WHEN YOU COME HOME?

… GO THEN. PUT SALT INTO THE FIELDS OF MY LOVE FOR YOU.

7:20 pm - Fri, Oct 26, 2012
937 notes
I DON’T KNOW WHY IT’S SO HARD TO TRUST, TO OPEN MYSELF EMOTIONALLY. IT’S NOT LIKE I INTENTIONALLY PUSH PEOPLE AWAY OR ANYTHING. MORE LIKE I WON’T LET THEM IN, WON’T OPEN UP.
I JUST FEEL LIKE I HAVE THIS SHELL AROUND ME, YOU KNOW?

I DON’T KNOW WHY IT’S SO HARD TO TRUST, TO OPEN MYSELF EMOTIONALLY. IT’S NOT LIKE I INTENTIONALLY PUSH PEOPLE AWAY OR ANYTHING. MORE LIKE I WON’T LET THEM IN, WON’T OPEN UP.

I JUST FEEL LIKE I HAVE THIS SHELL AROUND ME, YOU KNOW?

4:40 pm
25,199 notes
HAVE YOU SEEN THESE FLOWERS? THERE ARE SO MANY OF THEM! AND THEY’RE BEUTERFUL. BOOTIFALL? THEY’RE REALLY PRETTY.
I’M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE, YOU BELLIGERENT DRUNK SHITHEAD, IF YOU DO NOT TURN AROUND AND AT LEAST TRY TO HELP ME GET YOU BACK TO THE HOTEL.
YOU’RE MY BEST FRIEND. I LOVE FLOWERS AND TEQUILA AND THE WAY YOUR BACK SMELLS.
I’M GOING TO BURY YOU, AND THEN YOU CAN BECOME FLOWERS.
I WOULD BE PRETTY YELLOW ONES.
… I HATE SO MUCH YOU RIGHT NOW.

HAVE YOU SEEN THESE FLOWERS? THERE ARE SO MANY OF THEM! AND THEY’RE BEUTERFUL. BOOTIFALL? THEY’RE REALLY PRETTY.

I’M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE, YOU BELLIGERENT DRUNK SHITHEAD, IF YOU DO NOT TURN AROUND AND AT LEAST TRY TO HELP ME GET YOU BACK TO THE HOTEL.

YOU’RE MY BEST FRIEND. I LOVE FLOWERS AND TEQUILA AND THE WAY YOUR BACK SMELLS.

I’M GOING TO BURY YOU, AND THEN YOU CAN BECOME FLOWERS.

I WOULD BE PRETTY YELLOW ONES.

… I HATE SO MUCH YOU RIGHT NOW.

7:20 pm - Thu, Oct 25, 2012
8,801 notes
OH MY GOD LOOK AT YOUR DELICIOUS LITTLE FACE. I JUST WANT TO EAT IT WITH MY OWN FACE.
THIS IS WHY I DON’T COME TO VISIT MORE OFTEN, GRANDMA.
O SHT UP. UH JST LUHN YR FCCCCCE. 
I AM GOING TO PUT YOU IN A RETIREMENT HOME SO HARD AND SO FAST THEY’LL HAVE TO DIG YOU OUT OF THE BASEMENT TO FEED YOU.

OH MY GOD LOOK AT YOUR DELICIOUS LITTLE FACE. I JUST WANT TO EAT IT WITH MY OWN FACE.

THIS IS WHY I DON’T COME TO VISIT MORE OFTEN, GRANDMA.

O SHT UP. UH JST LUHN YR FCCCCCE. 

I AM GOING TO PUT YOU IN A RETIREMENT HOME SO HARD AND SO FAST THEY’LL HAVE TO DIG YOU OUT OF THE BASEMENT TO FEED YOU.

Install Headline