7:20 pm - Fri, Oct 26, 2012
938 notes
I DON’T KNOW WHY IT’S SO HARD TO TRUST, TO OPEN MYSELF EMOTIONALLY. IT’S NOT LIKE I INTENTIONALLY PUSH PEOPLE AWAY OR ANYTHING. MORE LIKE I WON’T LET THEM IN, WON’T OPEN UP.
I JUST FEEL LIKE I HAVE THIS SHELL AROUND ME, YOU KNOW?

I DON’T KNOW WHY IT’S SO HARD TO TRUST, TO OPEN MYSELF EMOTIONALLY. IT’S NOT LIKE I INTENTIONALLY PUSH PEOPLE AWAY OR ANYTHING. MORE LIKE I WON’T LET THEM IN, WON’T OPEN UP.

I JUST FEEL LIKE I HAVE THIS SHELL AROUND ME, YOU KNOW?

4:40 pm
25,173 notes
HAVE YOU SEEN THESE FLOWERS? THERE ARE SO MANY OF THEM! AND THEY’RE BEUTERFUL. BOOTIFALL? THEY’RE REALLY PRETTY.
I’M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE, YOU BELLIGERENT DRUNK SHITHEAD, IF YOU DO NOT TURN AROUND AND AT LEAST TRY TO HELP ME GET YOU BACK TO THE HOTEL.
YOU’RE MY BEST FRIEND. I LOVE FLOWERS AND TEQUILA AND THE WAY YOUR BACK SMELLS.
I’M GOING TO BURY YOU, AND THEN YOU CAN BECOME FLOWERS.
I WOULD BE PRETTY YELLOW ONES.
… I HATE SO MUCH YOU RIGHT NOW.

HAVE YOU SEEN THESE FLOWERS? THERE ARE SO MANY OF THEM! AND THEY’RE BEUTERFUL. BOOTIFALL? THEY’RE REALLY PRETTY.

I’M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE, YOU BELLIGERENT DRUNK SHITHEAD, IF YOU DO NOT TURN AROUND AND AT LEAST TRY TO HELP ME GET YOU BACK TO THE HOTEL.

YOU’RE MY BEST FRIEND. I LOVE FLOWERS AND TEQUILA AND THE WAY YOUR BACK SMELLS.

I’M GOING TO BURY YOU, AND THEN YOU CAN BECOME FLOWERS.

I WOULD BE PRETTY YELLOW ONES.

… I HATE SO MUCH YOU RIGHT NOW.

7:20 pm - Thu, Oct 25, 2012
8,794 notes
OH MY GOD LOOK AT YOUR DELICIOUS LITTLE FACE. I JUST WANT TO EAT IT WITH MY OWN FACE.
THIS IS WHY I DON’T COME TO VISIT MORE OFTEN, GRANDMA.
O SHT UP. UH JST LUHN YR FCCCCCE. 
I AM GOING TO PUT YOU IN A RETIREMENT HOME SO HARD AND SO FAST THEY’LL HAVE TO DIG YOU OUT OF THE BASEMENT TO FEED YOU.

OH MY GOD LOOK AT YOUR DELICIOUS LITTLE FACE. I JUST WANT TO EAT IT WITH MY OWN FACE.

THIS IS WHY I DON’T COME TO VISIT MORE OFTEN, GRANDMA.

O SHT UP. UH JST LUHN YR FCCCCCE. 

I AM GOING TO PUT YOU IN A RETIREMENT HOME SO HARD AND SO FAST THEY’LL HAVE TO DIG YOU OUT OF THE BASEMENT TO FEED YOU.

4:40 pm
2,863 notes
I’M SORRY, BUT I HAVE TO GO. WHILE I APPRECIATE EVERYTHING YOU’VE DONE FOR ME I SIMPLY CAN’T STAY IN A HOUSE WHERE PEOPLE USE SINGLE-PLY TOILET PAPER. I’M ALL FOR BEING FRUGAL BUT THERE’S A POINT WHERE YOU HAVE TO PUT EVERYONE’S HEALTH AND SAFETY ABOVE SAVINGS.
TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. I WISH YOU THE BEST.
I’D SHAKE YOUR HAND BUT I DON’T WANT TO TOUCH YOUR DIRTY POOP FINGERS.

I’M SORRY, BUT I HAVE TO GO. WHILE I APPRECIATE EVERYTHING YOU’VE DONE FOR ME I SIMPLY CAN’T STAY IN A HOUSE WHERE PEOPLE USE SINGLE-PLY TOILET PAPER. I’M ALL FOR BEING FRUGAL BUT THERE’S A POINT WHERE YOU HAVE TO PUT EVERYONE’S HEALTH AND SAFETY ABOVE SAVINGS.

TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. I WISH YOU THE BEST.

I’D SHAKE YOUR HAND BUT I DON’T WANT TO TOUCH YOUR DIRTY POOP FINGERS.

7:20 pm - Wed, Oct 24, 2012
4,845 notes
HENDERSON!
HENDERSON, HELP ME! THE MACHINE REQUIRES CALIBRATION!
HENDERSON, TURN IT OFF!

HENDERSON!

HENDERSON, HELP ME! THE MACHINE REQUIRES CALIBRATION!

HENDERSON, TURN IT OFF!

4:40 pm
5,283 notes
Sir, have you been drinking?
WHAT AN EXCELLENT QUESTION, OFFICER, AND I JUST WANT TO THANK YOU FOR ASKING IT. I’D ALSO LIKE TO THANK THE HIGHWAY COMMISSION FOR INSTALLING THIS FINE ROAD.
Yes, they … did a wonderful job. Can I see your license and registration, please?
I WAS JUST WONDERING IF YOU’D LIKE TO SEE MY LICENSE AND REGISTRATION. I COULD GET THEM OUT AND SHOW THEM TO YOU. HOW DOES THAT SOUND?
What? Yes. That’s what I just- You know what, nevermind. Can you just step out of the car for me, sir?
OF COURSE I CAN STEP OUT OF THE CAR. I’VE BEEN STEPPING OUT OF CARS FOR YEARS. I HAVE A COMPREHENSIVE FIVE POINT PLAN FOR STEPPING OUT OF THIS CAR, THE DETAILS OF WHICH CAN BE FOUND ON MY WEBSITE. GIVE IT A LOOK.
Okay, sir, I am going to need you to get the hell out of the car, license and registration in hand, now, and take a sobriety test.
HEY, LOOK, OFFICER … ATTACKING ME, MAKING THIS ABOUT ME, IS NOT GOING TO ADDRESS THE ATROCIOUS DRIVING CONDITIONS THAT AFFECT SO MANY CITIZENS OF THIS FINE NATION, ESPECIALLY UNDER THE CURRENT ADMINISTRATION. DON’T MAKE SOMETHING THIS IMPORTANT INTO A PETTY PERSONAL ATTACK.
Are you getting out of the car?
I STAND BY MY RECORD OF GETTING OUT OF CARS. YOU KNOW, THIS REMINDS ME OF JUST A FEW WEEKS AGO, WHEN I WAS IN SKOKIE, ILLIINOIS. I MET THIS YOUNG MAN BY THE NAME OF PETER AND HE SAID TO ME-
God damn it. Have you been Romneying me this entire time?
WELL … YES. BUT TO BE FAIR I THINK I DESERVE QUITE A BIT OF CREDIT FOR DOING IT SO WELL, CONSIDERING HOW MUCH I’VE HAD TO DRINK.

Sir, have you been drinking?

WHAT AN EXCELLENT QUESTION, OFFICER, AND I JUST WANT TO THANK YOU FOR ASKING IT. I’D ALSO LIKE TO THANK THE HIGHWAY COMMISSION FOR INSTALLING THIS FINE ROAD.

Yes, they … did a wonderful job. Can I see your license and registration, please?

I WAS JUST WONDERING IF YOU’D LIKE TO SEE MY LICENSE AND REGISTRATION. I COULD GET THEM OUT AND SHOW THEM TO YOU. HOW DOES THAT SOUND?

What? Yes. That’s what I just- You know what, nevermind. Can you just step out of the car for me, sir?

OF COURSE I CAN STEP OUT OF THE CAR. I’VE BEEN STEPPING OUT OF CARS FOR YEARS. I HAVE A COMPREHENSIVE FIVE POINT PLAN FOR STEPPING OUT OF THIS CAR, THE DETAILS OF WHICH CAN BE FOUND ON MY WEBSITE. GIVE IT A LOOK.

Okay, sir, I am going to need you to get the hell out of the car, license and registration in hand, now, and take a sobriety test.

HEY, LOOK, OFFICER … ATTACKING ME, MAKING THIS ABOUT ME, IS NOT GOING TO ADDRESS THE ATROCIOUS DRIVING CONDITIONS THAT AFFECT SO MANY CITIZENS OF THIS FINE NATION, ESPECIALLY UNDER THE CURRENT ADMINISTRATION. DON’T MAKE SOMETHING THIS IMPORTANT INTO A PETTY PERSONAL ATTACK.

Are you getting out of the car?

I STAND BY MY RECORD OF GETTING OUT OF CARS. YOU KNOW, THIS REMINDS ME OF JUST A FEW WEEKS AGO, WHEN I WAS IN SKOKIE, ILLIINOIS. I MET THIS YOUNG MAN BY THE NAME OF PETER AND HE SAID TO ME-

God damn it. Have you been Romneying me this entire time?

WELL … YES. BUT TO BE FAIR I THINK I DESERVE QUITE A BIT OF CREDIT FOR DOING IT SO WELL, CONSIDERING HOW MUCH I’VE HAD TO DRINK.

9:00 pm - Tue, Oct 23, 2012
2,782 notes
JÄGER BOMBS? MORE LIKE JÄGER BLANKETS, AM I RIGHT? I CAN’T EVEN FEEL MY FACE RIGHT NOW I’M SO COMFORTABLE. WHERE’S MY PHONE? I HAVE TO CALL TARA AND TELL HER HOW DRUNK I AM.

JÄGER BOMBS? MORE LIKE JÄGER BLANKETS, AM I RIGHT? I CAN’T EVEN FEEL MY FACE RIGHT NOW I’M SO COMFORTABLE. WHERE’S MY PHONE? I HAVE TO CALL TARA AND TELL HER HOW DRUNK I AM.

5:25 pm
735 notes
OHHHHHHH, YOU PEED IN MY LOCKER! THAT’S VERY MATURE!
I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I’M A LEVEL EIGHT DUNGEONMASTER AND HAVE SINGLEHANDEDLY DEFEATED THE RED ELF IN HIS FOREST STRONGHOLD! YOU DON’T WANT TO KEEP PUSHING MY BUTTONS!

OHHHHHHH, YOU PEED IN MY LOCKER! THAT’S VERY MATURE!

I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I’M A LEVEL EIGHT DUNGEONMASTER AND HAVE SINGLEHANDEDLY DEFEATED THE RED ELF IN HIS FOREST STRONGHOLD! YOU DON’T WANT TO KEEP PUSHING MY BUTTONS!

4:00 pm
876 notes
WELL, I WANTED TO BE AN ARCHITECT, BRAD, BUT SOMEONE IN THIS NEST, WHO IS YOU BY THE WAY, DOESN’T LIKE CONDOMS, SO NOW I HAVE A BUG IN MY MOUTH. QUIT BITCHING AND FEED SHARON. ALSO, WE’RE OUT OF TOILET PAPER.

WELL, I WANTED TO BE AN ARCHITECT, BRAD, BUT SOMEONE IN THIS NEST, WHO IS YOU BY THE WAY, DOESN’T LIKE CONDOMS, SO NOW I HAVE A BUG IN MY MOUTH. QUIT BITCHING AND FEED SHARON. ALSO, WE’RE OUT OF TOILET PAPER.

(via animalstalkinginallcaps)

5:08 pm - Mon, Oct 22, 2012
1,881 notes
IT’S NOT YOU, IT’S ME, OKAY? I’M JUST IN A WEIRD HEADSPACE AND NEED SOME TIME TO FIGURE OUT MY LIFE. I DON’T THINK I CAN SATISFY YOU SEXUALLY, I’M CRUEL WHEN I SHOULD BE TENDER AND WE CAN’T SEEM TO HAVE A SIMPLE CONVERSATION THAT DOESN’T TURN INTO AN ARGUMENT. AND THAT’S MY FAULT. I THINK I RUSHED INTO THIS AND NOW I’M SECOND GUESSING EVERYTHING. YOU DESERVE BETTER.
BUT I LOVE YOU AND I WANT TO BE WITH YOU.
ALL RIGHT, LOOK, IT’S YOUR FEET. THEY GROSS ME OUT AND THERE’S NOTHING EITHER OF US CAN DO ABOUT THAT. I’M SORRY. IT’S OVER.

IT’S NOT YOU, IT’S ME, OKAY? I’M JUST IN A WEIRD HEADSPACE AND NEED SOME TIME TO FIGURE OUT MY LIFE. I DON’T THINK I CAN SATISFY YOU SEXUALLY, I’M CRUEL WHEN I SHOULD BE TENDER AND WE CAN’T SEEM TO HAVE A SIMPLE CONVERSATION THAT DOESN’T TURN INTO AN ARGUMENT. AND THAT’S MY FAULT. I THINK I RUSHED INTO THIS AND NOW I’M SECOND GUESSING EVERYTHING. YOU DESERVE BETTER.

BUT I LOVE YOU AND I WANT TO BE WITH YOU.

ALL RIGHT, LOOK, IT’S YOUR FEET. THEY GROSS ME OUT AND THERE’S NOTHING EITHER OF US CAN DO ABOUT THAT. I’M SORRY. IT’S OVER.

3:15 pm
3,266 notes
I’M GONNA GET US OUT OF HERE, BABE. TAKE YOU AWAY FROM THIS TINY TOWN FULL OF TINY MINDS, THINKING THEIR TINY LITTLE THOUGHTS. WHATEVER IT TAKES, I’M GONNA GET US ON THAT OPEN ROAD. NOTHING’S GONNA STOP US. IT’S JUST YOU AND ME NOW. UNTIL DEATH DO US PART. I WANT TO KISS YOU IN PARIS, KISS YOU IN BRUGES, KISS YOU WHENEVER AND WHEREVER YOU WANT IT.
CAN YOU KISS ME RIGHT NOW? IN MY LADY GARDEN?
THAT’S AS GOOD A PLACE TO START AS ANY.

I’M GONNA GET US OUT OF HERE, BABE. TAKE YOU AWAY FROM THIS TINY TOWN FULL OF TINY MINDS, THINKING THEIR TINY LITTLE THOUGHTS. WHATEVER IT TAKES, I’M GONNA GET US ON THAT OPEN ROAD. NOTHING’S GONNA STOP US. IT’S JUST YOU AND ME NOW. UNTIL DEATH DO US PART. I WANT TO KISS YOU IN PARIS, KISS YOU IN BRUGES, KISS YOU WHENEVER AND WHEREVER YOU WANT IT.

CAN YOU KISS ME RIGHT NOW? IN MY LADY GARDEN?

THAT’S AS GOOD A PLACE TO START AS ANY.

3:22 am
1,699 notes
NO, LISTEN, YOU’RE NOT FOLLOWING ME. FOR FISSION TO PRODUCE ENERGY THE SUM BINDING ENERGY HAS TO BE LESS THAN THAT OF THE INTIAL ELEMENT, RIGHT? IT’S A FORM OF NUCLEAR TRANSMUTATION, BECAUSE THE RESULTING FRAGMENTS AREN’T THE SAME ELEMENT AS THE ORIGINAL ATOM, GET IT?
IT’S NOT ROCKET SCIENCE, GARY. STOP BEING DENSE.

NO, LISTEN, YOU’RE NOT FOLLOWING ME. FOR FISSION TO PRODUCE ENERGY THE SUM BINDING ENERGY HAS TO BE LESS THAN THAT OF THE INTIAL ELEMENT, RIGHT? IT’S A FORM OF NUCLEAR TRANSMUTATION, BECAUSE THE RESULTING FRAGMENTS AREN’T THE SAME ELEMENT AS THE ORIGINAL ATOM, GET IT?

IT’S NOT ROCKET SCIENCE, GARY. STOP BEING DENSE.

(via animalstalkinginallcaps)

5:12 pm - Sun, Oct 21, 2012
2,889 notes
'CAUSE IF YOU LIKED IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT!
IF YOU LIKED IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT!
DON’T BE MAD WHEN YOU SEE THAT HE WANT IT,
‘CAUSE IF YOU LIKED IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT!

'CAUSE IF YOU LIKED IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT!

IF YOU LIKED IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT!

DON’T BE MAD WHEN YOU SEE THAT HE WANT IT,

‘CAUSE IF YOU LIKED IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT!

9:05 pm - Fri, Oct 19, 2012
2,452 notes
BYE YOU GUYS. DRIVE SAFE. IT WAS REALLY GOOD SEEING YOU.
EVER SINCE THE DIVORCE I’VE JUST BEEN SO LONEL- 
YEAH, YOU’RE GONE. I’M JUST GOING TO STOP TALKING NOW.

BYE YOU GUYS. DRIVE SAFE. IT WAS REALLY GOOD SEEING YOU.

EVER SINCE THE DIVORCE I’VE JUST BEEN SO LONEL- 

YEAH, YOU’RE GONE. I’M JUST GOING TO STOP TALKING NOW.

6:02 pm
428 notes
OH! OHHHHHH. OH, MERCY. OH, THAT’S SO MUCH BETTER. I COULDN’T EVEN SIT DOWN. HOW WAS I EVER THAT SKINNY?
JUST BECAUSE IT’S STILL IN THE CLOSET DOESN’T MEAN IT FITS.
FACE IT, DANIELLE. YOUR SIZE FOUR DAYS ARE OVER.

OH! OHHHHHH. OH, MERCY. OH, THAT’S SO MUCH BETTER. I COULDN’T EVEN SIT DOWN. HOW WAS I EVER THAT SKINNY?

JUST BECAUSE IT’S STILL IN THE CLOSET DOESN’T MEAN IT FITS.

FACE IT, DANIELLE. YOUR SIZE FOUR DAYS ARE OVER.

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