5:25 pm - Tue, Oct 23, 2012
735 notes
OHHHHHHH, YOU PEED IN MY LOCKER! THAT’S VERY MATURE!
I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I’M A LEVEL EIGHT DUNGEONMASTER AND HAVE SINGLEHANDEDLY DEFEATED THE RED ELF IN HIS FOREST STRONGHOLD! YOU DON’T WANT TO KEEP PUSHING MY BUTTONS!

OHHHHHHH, YOU PEED IN MY LOCKER! THAT’S VERY MATURE!

I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I’M A LEVEL EIGHT DUNGEONMASTER AND HAVE SINGLEHANDEDLY DEFEATED THE RED ELF IN HIS FOREST STRONGHOLD! YOU DON’T WANT TO KEEP PUSHING MY BUTTONS!

4:00 pm
873 notes
WELL, I WANTED TO BE AN ARCHITECT, BRAD, BUT SOMEONE IN THIS NEST, WHO IS YOU BY THE WAY, DOESN’T LIKE CONDOMS, SO NOW I HAVE A BUG IN MY MOUTH. QUIT BITCHING AND FEED SHARON. ALSO, WE’RE OUT OF TOILET PAPER.

WELL, I WANTED TO BE AN ARCHITECT, BRAD, BUT SOMEONE IN THIS NEST, WHO IS YOU BY THE WAY, DOESN’T LIKE CONDOMS, SO NOW I HAVE A BUG IN MY MOUTH. QUIT BITCHING AND FEED SHARON. ALSO, WE’RE OUT OF TOILET PAPER.

(via animalstalkinginallcaps)

5:08 pm - Mon, Oct 22, 2012
1,880 notes
IT’S NOT YOU, IT’S ME, OKAY? I’M JUST IN A WEIRD HEADSPACE AND NEED SOME TIME TO FIGURE OUT MY LIFE. I DON’T THINK I CAN SATISFY YOU SEXUALLY, I’M CRUEL WHEN I SHOULD BE TENDER AND WE CAN’T SEEM TO HAVE A SIMPLE CONVERSATION THAT DOESN’T TURN INTO AN ARGUMENT. AND THAT’S MY FAULT. I THINK I RUSHED INTO THIS AND NOW I’M SECOND GUESSING EVERYTHING. YOU DESERVE BETTER.
BUT I LOVE YOU AND I WANT TO BE WITH YOU.
ALL RIGHT, LOOK, IT’S YOUR FEET. THEY GROSS ME OUT AND THERE’S NOTHING EITHER OF US CAN DO ABOUT THAT. I’M SORRY. IT’S OVER.

IT’S NOT YOU, IT’S ME, OKAY? I’M JUST IN A WEIRD HEADSPACE AND NEED SOME TIME TO FIGURE OUT MY LIFE. I DON’T THINK I CAN SATISFY YOU SEXUALLY, I’M CRUEL WHEN I SHOULD BE TENDER AND WE CAN’T SEEM TO HAVE A SIMPLE CONVERSATION THAT DOESN’T TURN INTO AN ARGUMENT. AND THAT’S MY FAULT. I THINK I RUSHED INTO THIS AND NOW I’M SECOND GUESSING EVERYTHING. YOU DESERVE BETTER.

BUT I LOVE YOU AND I WANT TO BE WITH YOU.

ALL RIGHT, LOOK, IT’S YOUR FEET. THEY GROSS ME OUT AND THERE’S NOTHING EITHER OF US CAN DO ABOUT THAT. I’M SORRY. IT’S OVER.

3:15 pm
3,265 notes
I’M GONNA GET US OUT OF HERE, BABE. TAKE YOU AWAY FROM THIS TINY TOWN FULL OF TINY MINDS, THINKING THEIR TINY LITTLE THOUGHTS. WHATEVER IT TAKES, I’M GONNA GET US ON THAT OPEN ROAD. NOTHING’S GONNA STOP US. IT’S JUST YOU AND ME NOW. UNTIL DEATH DO US PART. I WANT TO KISS YOU IN PARIS, KISS YOU IN BRUGES, KISS YOU WHENEVER AND WHEREVER YOU WANT IT.
CAN YOU KISS ME RIGHT NOW? IN MY LADY GARDEN?
THAT’S AS GOOD A PLACE TO START AS ANY.

I’M GONNA GET US OUT OF HERE, BABE. TAKE YOU AWAY FROM THIS TINY TOWN FULL OF TINY MINDS, THINKING THEIR TINY LITTLE THOUGHTS. WHATEVER IT TAKES, I’M GONNA GET US ON THAT OPEN ROAD. NOTHING’S GONNA STOP US. IT’S JUST YOU AND ME NOW. UNTIL DEATH DO US PART. I WANT TO KISS YOU IN PARIS, KISS YOU IN BRUGES, KISS YOU WHENEVER AND WHEREVER YOU WANT IT.

CAN YOU KISS ME RIGHT NOW? IN MY LADY GARDEN?

THAT’S AS GOOD A PLACE TO START AS ANY.

3:22 am
1,699 notes
NO, LISTEN, YOU’RE NOT FOLLOWING ME. FOR FISSION TO PRODUCE ENERGY THE SUM BINDING ENERGY HAS TO BE LESS THAN THAT OF THE INTIAL ELEMENT, RIGHT? IT’S A FORM OF NUCLEAR TRANSMUTATION, BECAUSE THE RESULTING FRAGMENTS AREN’T THE SAME ELEMENT AS THE ORIGINAL ATOM, GET IT?
IT’S NOT ROCKET SCIENCE, GARY. STOP BEING DENSE.

NO, LISTEN, YOU’RE NOT FOLLOWING ME. FOR FISSION TO PRODUCE ENERGY THE SUM BINDING ENERGY HAS TO BE LESS THAN THAT OF THE INTIAL ELEMENT, RIGHT? IT’S A FORM OF NUCLEAR TRANSMUTATION, BECAUSE THE RESULTING FRAGMENTS AREN’T THE SAME ELEMENT AS THE ORIGINAL ATOM, GET IT?

IT’S NOT ROCKET SCIENCE, GARY. STOP BEING DENSE.

(via animalstalkinginallcaps)

5:12 pm - Sun, Oct 21, 2012
2,890 notes
'CAUSE IF YOU LIKED IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT!
IF YOU LIKED IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT!
DON’T BE MAD WHEN YOU SEE THAT HE WANT IT,
‘CAUSE IF YOU LIKED IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT!

'CAUSE IF YOU LIKED IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT!

IF YOU LIKED IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT!

DON’T BE MAD WHEN YOU SEE THAT HE WANT IT,

‘CAUSE IF YOU LIKED IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT!

9:05 pm - Fri, Oct 19, 2012
2,452 notes
BYE YOU GUYS. DRIVE SAFE. IT WAS REALLY GOOD SEEING YOU.
EVER SINCE THE DIVORCE I’VE JUST BEEN SO LONEL- 
YEAH, YOU’RE GONE. I’M JUST GOING TO STOP TALKING NOW.

BYE YOU GUYS. DRIVE SAFE. IT WAS REALLY GOOD SEEING YOU.

EVER SINCE THE DIVORCE I’VE JUST BEEN SO LONEL- 

YEAH, YOU’RE GONE. I’M JUST GOING TO STOP TALKING NOW.

6:02 pm
427 notes
OH! OHHHHHH. OH, MERCY. OH, THAT’S SO MUCH BETTER. I COULDN’T EVEN SIT DOWN. HOW WAS I EVER THAT SKINNY?
JUST BECAUSE IT’S STILL IN THE CLOSET DOESN’T MEAN IT FITS.
FACE IT, DANIELLE. YOUR SIZE FOUR DAYS ARE OVER.

OH! OHHHHHH. OH, MERCY. OH, THAT’S SO MUCH BETTER. I COULDN’T EVEN SIT DOWN. HOW WAS I EVER THAT SKINNY?

JUST BECAUSE IT’S STILL IN THE CLOSET DOESN’T MEAN IT FITS.

FACE IT, DANIELLE. YOUR SIZE FOUR DAYS ARE OVER.

3:21 pm
3,246 notes
HOW LONG HAS SEAN BEEN DEAD?
I HAVE NO IDEA. HE’S SO QUIET MOST OF THE TIME IT’S HARD TO TELL THE DIFFERENCE.

HOW LONG HAS SEAN BEEN DEAD?

I HAVE NO IDEA. HE’S SO QUIET MOST OF THE TIME IT’S HARD TO TELL THE DIFFERENCE.

8:37 pm - Thu, Oct 18, 2012
6,786 notes
OH, I’VE BEEN ‘RANDOMLY SELECTED’ FOR AN AIRPORT SECURITY SCREENING?
THAT’S RICH. THAT’S COMEDY GOLD RIGHT THERE, OFFICER.

OH, I’VE BEEN ‘RANDOMLY SELECTED’ FOR AN AIRPORT SECURITY SCREENING?

THAT’S RICH. THAT’S COMEDY GOLD RIGHT THERE, OFFICER.

6:00 pm
566 notes
OLIVIA, COME BACK! I’M SORRY!
I THOUGHT IT WAS A DOCUMENTARY!
…
…
… OKAY LOOK, I KNEW IT WAS A SEX MOVIE BUT I’M STILL SORRY!

OLIVIA, COME BACK! I’M SORRY!

I THOUGHT IT WAS A DOCUMENTARY!

… OKAY LOOK, I KNEW IT WAS A SEX MOVIE BUT I’M STILL SORRY!

3:01 pm
6,258 notes
DID YOU SEE BEYONCÉ’S NEW VIDEO?
OH MY GOD SHE’S SO FIERCE!
SHE’S SUPER FIERCE, RIGHT?
SO FIERCE!
I’M OUT OF VODKA TONIC!
ME TOO! BARTENDER! TWO VODKA TONICS! MAKE THEM LIKE … FIERCE!
THEN LET’S DANCE!
LET’S WAIT UNTIL THEY PLAY BEYONCÉ!
OH MY GOD SHE’S SO FIERCE!
SHE’S TOTALLY FIERCE! SO ARE YOUR SHOES. OH MY GOD, I LOVE YOUR SHOES!
I KNOW, RIGHT! I CAN’T REALLY WALK IN THEM BUT THEY’RE CRAZY SUPER FIERCE!
I LOVE THEM!
THEY COST MORE THAN MY CAR!
THAT’S SO FIERCE!

DID YOU SEE BEYONCÉ’S NEW VIDEO?

OH MY GOD SHE’S SO FIERCE!

SHE’S SUPER FIERCE, RIGHT?

SO FIERCE!

I’M OUT OF VODKA TONIC!

ME TOO! BARTENDER! TWO VODKA TONICS! MAKE THEM LIKE … FIERCE!

THEN LET’S DANCE!

LET’S WAIT UNTIL THEY PLAY BEYONCÉ!

OH MY GOD SHE’S SO FIERCE!

SHE’S TOTALLY FIERCE! SO ARE YOUR SHOES. OH MY GOD, I LOVE YOUR SHOES!

I KNOW, RIGHT! I CAN’T REALLY WALK IN THEM BUT THEY’RE CRAZY SUPER FIERCE!

I LOVE THEM!

THEY COST MORE THAN MY CAR!

THAT’S SO FIERCE!

9:48 pm - Wed, Oct 17, 2012
4,076 notes
I CAN’T BLOG WITH THESE DAMNED FINS AND COMPUTERS DON’T WORK UNDERWATER.
I HAVE SO MANY FEELINGS INSIDE OF ME!
SHAAAAAAAAARK TEEEEEEEEARS.

I CAN’T BLOG WITH THESE DAMNED FINS AND COMPUTERS DON’T WORK UNDERWATER.

I HAVE SO MANY FEELINGS INSIDE OF ME!

SHAAAAAAAAARK TEEEEEEEEARS.

6:54 pm
1,106 notes
SOMETIMES I THINK EVERYTHING I DO IS A FRAUD, YOU KNOW? LIKE I’M GOING THROUGH THE MOTIONS OF BEING AFFECTIONATE, OR EMPATHETIC, OR ENTERTAINING, WHILE ON THE INSIDE I’M ONLY READING LINES, STRUGGLING TO MAINTAIN THE FAÇADE. LIKE EVERYTHING’S JUST AN ACT THAT I’VE REHEARSED. 
I UNDERSTAND. I TOO HAVE FEELINGS OF ARTIFICIALITY.
YOU’RE A GOOD LISTENER, HORSEY.
MAYBE I JUST PRETEND TO BE.

SOMETIMES I THINK EVERYTHING I DO IS A FRAUD, YOU KNOW? LIKE I’M GOING THROUGH THE MOTIONS OF BEING AFFECTIONATE, OR EMPATHETIC, OR ENTERTAINING, WHILE ON THE INSIDE I’M ONLY READING LINES, STRUGGLING TO MAINTAIN THE FAÇADE. LIKE EVERYTHING’S JUST AN ACT THAT I’VE REHEARSED. 

I UNDERSTAND. I TOO HAVE FEELINGS OF ARTIFICIALITY.

YOU’RE A GOOD LISTENER, HORSEY.

MAYBE I JUST PRETEND TO BE.

4:30 pm
3,238 notes
PAUL, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? IS THAT LOU? YOU KILLED LOU?
HE WAS 27 YEARS OLD AND COULDN’T FIGURE OUT THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN “YOUR” AND “YOU’RE” STEVE! WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO? IT HAD TO BE DONE!

PAUL, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? IS THAT LOU? YOU KILLED LOU?

HE WAS 27 YEARS OLD AND COULDN’T FIGURE OUT THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN “YOUR” AND “YOU’RE” STEVE! WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO? IT HAD TO BE DONE!

(via animalstalkinginallcaps)

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