- 5:57 pm - Fri, Oct 5, 2012
- 1,201 notes
BARBARA! WOW, WHAT A SURPRISE! COME ON IN! I WAS JUST COPY/PASTING HOROSCOPES FROM ASTROLOGY WEBSITES AND PUTTING THEM ON FACEBOOK SO EVERYONE CAN PLAN THEIR WEEK. AFTER THAT I WAS GOING TO GO ON ALL MY KIDS’ PAGES AND TELL THEM I LOVE THEM IN THE COMMENTS SECTION OF THEIR COLLEGE PARTY PHOTOS, BUT I CAN SKIP THAT IF YOU WANT TO GO TO OLIVE GARDEN OR SOMETHING. JUST LET ME FORWARD THIS CHAIN EMAIL TO MY CONTACTS LIST AND I’LL GRAB MY COAT.
- 5:53 pm - Wed, Oct 3, 2012
- 1,657 notes
I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT MA’AM. AS I’M SURE I MENTIONED I AM DETECTIVE HOUNDSMAN FROM THE POLICE … PLACE AND I’M HERE ABOUT THE DELICIOUS MILK-BONE TREAT ROBBERY THAT OCCURRED EARLIER THIS MORNING. I JUST NEED TO EXAMINE ANY MILK-BONE SNACKS YOU MIGHT HAVE HERE IN THE HOUSE AND MAYBE COLLECT SOME FOR LUNCH. EVIDENCE. SOMETIMES WE CALL EVIDENCE LUNCH. IT’S A DETECTIVE THING. ANYWAY, THIS IS ALL STANDARD PROCEDURE. NOTHING TO BE ALARMED ABOUT.
- 11:06 pm - Tue, Oct 2, 2012
- 1,522 notes
YOU’VE GOT A STAIN RIGHT THERE ON YOUR SHIRT.
IT’S LIKE … MUSTARD OR SOMETHING. I DON’T KNOW.
- 5:21 am
- 1,591 notes
My name is Justin Valmassoi and I love you. I love you because I am drunk, and while you may rally the banners and claim that’s not enough I argue that love is at least 63% alcohol in this, the twilight of the American age, and that any love, any love at all, between strangers, between the rosy pink and soft tangerine of the dawn and the mottled mauve and aubergine of evening, is more than we deserve. I love you with my open and foolish heart for loving, even just a little bit, the arguable art which I set before you once or twice daily on weekdays and zero or several times on weekends.
It is not this bottle of Lagunitas’ seasonal Little Sumpin’ Wild ale, nor the tiny but effective array of pumpkin ales I imbibed beforehand, but rather the tenuous but nevertheless very real and almost tangible thread of humor and honesty, the tiny chuckles and furtive fanmail you and I have exchanged these last fifteen or so months, that make our relationship tick.
I love you for being there, silent or stalkerish. I love you for hating coconut water as much as I do. I love you for helping me marry the woman I love, even if 20 people unfollow me every time I mention her.
We’re entering the home stretch of the ATIAC book, which I naturally assume you’ll buy and give to your friends/grandparents/pastors/teachers/lovers/children and/or friends, and I am not going to lie to you, it’s a massive and horrible pain in the keister. Kiester? Keestür? I have no idea how you spell that. It’s a pain in the balls, and it is due to the publisher in exactly one month.
If I am lax in updating, or disappear entirely for days on end, or even if I just post photos of Tavi Gevinson and demand that we elect her as President of the United States of America for the next 18 years, forgive me (although I honestly want you to think about how much having Tavi as president might genuinely improve our nation’s standing globally, and what it would mean to the young women of the world to see one of their own, confident and capable, at the helm of what was once a careening ship of despair and debt, guiding us gently but with humor and grace toward a stylish and sustainable future).
I am very busy and very tired, incredibly nervous and wracked with insecurity, and my head is not, in the parlance of our time, “in the game”.
Give me October to run myself ragged and weep in dim corners and I will return in November like a sad, graying phoenix in H by Hudson Angus boots to deliver the llamas and otters that help so many of you through your dreary and horrid days of cubicle misery and college angst.
You are all, no matter how crooked your teeth and stringy your hair, gorgeous as far as I am concerned, and I wish to hell I could buy you a hundred beers and poke you in the cheek while we discuss how infuriatingly long we have to wait for the next season of Game of Thrones.
You are my sunshine. My only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are grey, which is every day because I live in Seattle.
And, as any good Mountain Goats fan will tell you, we are gonna make it through this year if it kills us.
You’re the best.
- 5:58 pm - Mon, Oct 1, 2012
- 928 notes
GET AWAY FROM ME, CHRISTINE. I MEAN IT. IT’S NOT A FUNNY JOKE. I ALMOST PUKED.
IT’S JUST COCONUT WATER! IT’S NATURAL!
YOU NEED TO APOLOGIZE AND THEN YOU NEED TO LEAVE.
BUT IT’S SUPPOSED TO-
SAY ANYTHING ABOUT HYDRATION OR ELECTROLYTES AGAIN AND WE ARE NOT FRIENDS. I’M NOT SURE IF WE ARE NOW. A FRIEND WOULDN’T TELL ME TO PUT SOMETHING LIKE THAT INSIDE MY MOUTH.
- 3:50 am - Sat, Sep 29, 2012
- 1,816 notes
NO, I CAN’T RIGHT NOW. SOMEONE’S COMING OVER TO CLEAN MY POOL.
MAYBE WE COULD … MEAT UP LATER?
- 5:32 pm - Fri, Sep 28, 2012
- 1,420 notes
WAITING LIST? BACKGROUND CHECK? THIS IS AMERICA, PAUL. I WENT TO A GUN SHOW. IN AND OUT IN 20 MINUTES. NOW IF YOU’LL EXCUSE ME, THERE’S A FAMILY OF CARDINALS IN THE POPLAR TREE WHO THINK THEY CAN TALK SHIT ABOUT MY PLUMAGE.
DON’T LOOK SO WORRIED. I’LL SAY IT WAS SELF DEFENSE.
- 3:17 pm - Thu, Sep 27, 2012
- 2,832 notes
WELCOME HOME. I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT BE IN A BAD MOOD FROM WORKING SO HARD SO I CREATED MANY FUN SURPRISES FOR YOU ALL OVER THE HOUSE.
SEVERAL SURPRISES WERE MADE INSIDE MY OWN BODY, WHICH IS VERY CLOSE TO MY HEART, SPATIALLY.
SEVERAL OTHERS ARE ART PROJECTS I MADE USING SIMPLE HOUSEHOLD ITEMS LIKE YOUR TRASH, THE FLAVORLESS MARSHMALLOW STUFF INSIDE THE COUCH, AND THE CONTENTS OF THE PANTRY.
THANK YOU FOR NOT SHUTTING THE PANTRY DOOR, BY THE WAY. THERE WERE SO MANY USEFUL ART SUPPLIES IN THERE.
- 6:14 pm - Tue, Sep 25, 2012
- 1,610 notes
AND … TEN.
GOOD, THAT’S GOOD, BUT DON’T RELAX. KEEP THAT CORE TIGHT BECAUSE REMEMBER, THIS ISN’T JUST STRENGTH TRAINING, THIS IS AEROBIC EXERCISE, SO WE’RE GOING TO KEEP THAT HEART RATE ELEVATED BY MOVING IMMEDIATELY TO A NEW EXERCISE AND THAT’S GOING TO HELP YOU BURN THOSE CALORIES, OKAY?
SO AS WE FINISH THOSE INCLINE PUSH UPS WE’RE GOING TO SWITCH TARGET ZONES AND MOVE RIGHT INTO SOME KICKBACKS. WATCH HOW I’M JUST GOING TO RAISE MY LEG OUT STRAIGHT BEHIND ME, KEEPING THE MUSCLES TIGHT THE ENTIRE TIME, AND REALLY JUST HAMMER THOSE GLUTES. NOTHING SAYS “OPEN FOR BUSINESS” LIKE SOME ROCK HARD GLUTES, AM I RIGHT?
OKAY, ON THREE. REMEMBER TO BREATHE. ONE. TWO …
- 7:30 pm - Mon, Sep 24, 2012
- 1,883 notes
HEY! COME BACK HERE AND SAY THAT TO MY FACE!
TO MY FACE, BRO! DO YOU HEAR ME?
TO MY FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACE!
- 4:42 pm
- 391 notes
MAJOR COLE, THIS IS WILSON IN SECTOR L-77. RECONNAISSANCE REPORT FOR 0800 HOURS IS GOING TO BE ANOTHER NEGATIVE. I’M SORRY. I’VE BEEN OVER EVERY INCH OF THIS TERRITORY AT MULTIPLE ALTITUDES. IF THEY WERE HERE THEY’RE GONE NOW, AND LIKELY HAVE BEEN FOR QUITE SOME TIME. I’M NOT SEEING ANY SIGNS OF ACTIVITY, LET ALONE SETTLEMENT.
Roger that, Wilson. What about audio? Are you picking up a prairie song of any sort?
NEGATIVE, PAULA. NO SIGN OF YOUR HAPPY ENDING EITHER I’M AFRAID.
Damn it, Wilson! Where have all the cowboys gone?
- 5:26 pm - Sun, Sep 23, 2012
- 4,909 notes
LOOK, MAN, I DON’T KNOW, YOU KNOW?
IT’S A CRAZY WORLD. I JUST TRY TO BE NICE AND MAYBE MAKE PEOPLE LAUGH ONCE IN A WHILE.
DOES IT WORK? WHO KNOWS. NOT ME. I DON’T KNOW.
- 3:04 pm - Fri, Sep 21, 2012
- 1,282 notes
IT’S BEEN LIKE, SIX DAYS AND YOU HAVEN’T GONE.
AFTER THE SECOND OR THIRD DAY I COULDN’T HELP BUT TAKE IT PERSONALLY.
IT’S NOT CALLED WORDS WITH YOURSELF, MARK. IT’S WORDS WITH FRIENDS.
- 4:52 pm - Thu, Sep 20, 2012
- 771 notes
FOR A SECOND I THOUGHT THAT WAS THE COORS LIGHT TRAIN.
NO, THE COORS LIGHT TRAIN ONLY GOES TO HETERO BEACH PARTIES, SO I ORDERED A TRUCK FULL OF VODKA TONICS.
AWESOME. THAT’S SO MUCH BETTER FOR MY TASTE BUDS AND MY WAISTLINE.
- 6:33 pm - Wed, Sep 19, 2012
- 1,888 notes
WE SHOULD GET OUT OF HERE, MAN. JUST HOP IN THE CAR AND GO, YOU KNOW? NO FORWARDING ADDRESS, NO ROAD ATLAS, NO LOOKING BACK. LET’S JUST HIT THE OPEN HIGHWAY, THROW CAUTION TO THE WIND, SIEZE THE MOMENT.
OR WE COULD GET SOME TATTOOS, YEAH? LET’S JUST GET ALL INKED UP AND START CARRYING KNIVES. LET’S LIVE OUTSIDE THE LAW. WE CAN CARVE A TRAIL OF BLOOD AND FIRE ACROSS THE AMERICAN WEST. DIE SOMEWHERE IN THE BADLANDS, CUT DOWN IN A HAIL OF BULLETS.
OR CROSSFIT! WE COULD JOIN CROSSFIT GYM. THEY JUST OPENED ONE NEAR THE PANERA BREAD ON 6TH. HIGH INTENSITY INTERVAL TRAINING. KILLER CARDIO. FINALLY SHED THOSE EXTRA POUNDS.
OR, UH …
OKAY, LOOK, I’VE BEEN ABUSING METH PRETTY REGULARLY FOR A VERY LONG TIME, SO IT MIGHT ACTUALLY BE BETTER IF YOU DECIDE WHAT WE’RE DOING TONIGHT. HONESTLY, I DON’T CARE. I’M DOWN FOR WHATEVER.