3:40 pm - Fri, Mar 7, 2014
4,915 notes
MY GOD, YOU’RE SO SQUISHY.
SAMUEL, YOU SLIMEBALL. KISS ME AGAIN.
I COULD GET LOST FOREVER IN YOUR FLAPS AND FOLDS.
STOP TALKING AND TAKE ME, SAMUEL. FILL ME WITH CHILDREN, NOT JUST POETRY.
YES! AND YOU AS WELL, SHEILA. AFTER ALL, OUR HERMAPHRODITIC REPRODUCTIVE SYSTEMS ALLOW FOR MUTUAL FERTILIZATION. 
THAT’S SO SEXY.
I KNOW.

MY GOD, YOU’RE SO SQUISHY.

SAMUEL, YOU SLIMEBALL. KISS ME AGAIN.

I COULD GET LOST FOREVER IN YOUR FLAPS AND FOLDS.

STOP TALKING AND TAKE ME, SAMUEL. FILL ME WITH CHILDREN, NOT JUST POETRY.

YES! AND YOU AS WELL, SHEILA. AFTER ALL, OUR HERMAPHRODITIC REPRODUCTIVE SYSTEMS ALLOW FOR MUTUAL FERTILIZATION. 

THAT’S SO SEXY.

I KNOW.

3:40 pm - Thu, Mar 6, 2014
2,358 notes
DOES ANYBODY ELSE THINK GOING THROUGH THAT STARGATE MIGHT HAVE BEEN A BAD IDEA?
IS THAT WHAT THAT FLASH OF LIGHT WAS?
YES! HOW COULD YOU HAVE MISSED THAT?
TO BE HONEST I WASN’T PAYING ATTENTION. I WAS JUST FOLLOWING KEVIN.
ME TOO.
SAME HERE.

DOES ANYBODY ELSE THINK GOING THROUGH THAT STARGATE MIGHT HAVE BEEN A BAD IDEA?

IS THAT WHAT THAT FLASH OF LIGHT WAS?

YES! HOW COULD YOU HAVE MISSED THAT?

TO BE HONEST I WASN’T PAYING ATTENTION. I WAS JUST FOLLOWING KEVIN.

ME TOO.

SAME HERE.

2:03 pm - Tue, Mar 4, 2014
2,499 notes
PLEASE, MR. ANDERSEN, TRY TO REMAIN CALM. I PASS NO JUDGMENTS. I’M JUST HERE TO LISTEN. THIS IS SIMPLY A DEDICATED TIME AND PLACE FOR YOU TO EXAMINE YOUR INNER TOPOGRAPHY WITH SOMEONE WHO SHARES AN INTEREST IN YOUR FINDINGS. I’M A FELLOW EXPLORER, NOT AN ACCUSER.
NOW PLEASE, TELL ME MORE ABOUT YOUR GROSS WEIRD HENTAI COLLECTION.

PLEASE, MR. ANDERSEN, TRY TO REMAIN CALM. I PASS NO JUDGMENTS. I’M JUST HERE TO LISTEN. THIS IS SIMPLY A DEDICATED TIME AND PLACE FOR YOU TO EXAMINE YOUR INNER TOPOGRAPHY WITH SOMEONE WHO SHARES AN INTEREST IN YOUR FINDINGS. I’M A FELLOW EXPLORER, NOT AN ACCUSER.

NOW PLEASE, TELL ME MORE ABOUT YOUR GROSS WEIRD HENTAI COLLECTION.

7:31 pm - Mon, Mar 3, 2014
4,971 notes
Anywhere I want? 
AS LONG AS IT’S NOT INSIDE A HOUSE IT’S FAIR GAME. THAT’S HOW I’VE COME TO UNDERSTAND IT.
What about cleanup?
NOT YOUR CONCERN. SOMEONE COMES ALONG WITH A BAG. 
You’re kidding.
I KNOW, IT SOUNDS CRAZY, BUT I SWEAR IT’S TRUE.

Anywhere I want? 

AS LONG AS IT’S NOT INSIDE A HOUSE IT’S FAIR GAME. THAT’S HOW I’VE COME TO UNDERSTAND IT.

What about cleanup?

NOT YOUR CONCERN. SOMEONE COMES ALONG WITH A BAG. 

You’re kidding.

I KNOW, IT SOUNDS CRAZY, BUT I SWEAR IT’S TRUE.

2:41 pm
815 notes
WHAT? IT WAS JUMPING OUT OF THE WATER! THERE WERE HUNDREDS OF THEM!
I KNOW. THAT’S THE PROBLEM. IT’S EXACTLY WHAT BIG NATURE WANTS. A BUNCH OF MINDLESS LOCAVORES. SLAVES TO CONVENIENCE. “HERE, HAVE THIS FAT, FORGETTABLE TROUT AT THE PEAK OF ITS FRESHNESS FROM RIGHT IN YOUR BACKYARD.” 
IS THAT BAD?
YES! SEASONAL FOOD WITH NO DECOMPOSITION, NO FLAVOR. IT’S A SCAM! FOOD SHOULD BE EXOTIC AND SLIGHTLY ROTTEN. DIFFICULT TO OBTAIN! HAVE YOU EVER HAD LITTLE MICE FROM UNDER THE ROCKS IN THE MOUNTAIN RANGE OUT WEST? ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE TO CATCH! AMAZING TERROIR! LAST MONTH AT WORK BILL BROUGHT IN A LIZARD HE GOT FROM SOMEPLACE IN THE SOUTH THAT DOESN’T EVEN HAVE WATER. DEAD FOR OVER A WEEK. IT WAS DELICIOUS! QUIT GRABBING WHATEVER’S IN THE RIVER AND START THINKING FOR YOURSELF.

WHAT? IT WAS JUMPING OUT OF THE WATER! THERE WERE HUNDREDS OF THEM!

I KNOW. THAT’S THE PROBLEM. IT’S EXACTLY WHAT BIG NATURE WANTS. A BUNCH OF MINDLESS LOCAVORES. SLAVES TO CONVENIENCE. “HERE, HAVE THIS FAT, FORGETTABLE TROUT AT THE PEAK OF ITS FRESHNESS FROM RIGHT IN YOUR BACKYARD.” 

IS THAT BAD?

YES! SEASONAL FOOD WITH NO DECOMPOSITION, NO FLAVOR. IT’S A SCAM! FOOD SHOULD BE EXOTIC AND SLIGHTLY ROTTEN. DIFFICULT TO OBTAIN! HAVE YOU EVER HAD LITTLE MICE FROM UNDER THE ROCKS IN THE MOUNTAIN RANGE OUT WEST? ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE TO CATCH! AMAZING TERROIR! LAST MONTH AT WORK BILL BROUGHT IN A LIZARD HE GOT FROM SOMEPLACE IN THE SOUTH THAT DOESN’T EVEN HAVE WATER. DEAD FOR OVER A WEEK. IT WAS DELICIOUS! QUIT GRABBING WHATEVER’S IN THE RIVER AND START THINKING FOR YOURSELF.

5:20 pm - Fri, Feb 28, 2014
7,376 notes
FINALLY. FROM CHURNING MAGMA AND BILLOWING GASES I HAVE SHAPED AND MOLDED THIS PARADISE. ALL THAT REMAINS IS TO POPULATE IT WITH CREATURES MADE IN MY IMAGE. I DON’T WANT THEM TO HAVE TO WORK OR FORAGE FOR FOOD, THOUGH, SO I SHOULD PROBABLY MAKE SOME KIND OF ANNOYING, IGNORANT, SELF DESTRUCTIVE AND NEUROTIC BIPEDAL ASSHOLES WHOSE INTENSE LONELINESS EVEN IN THE MIDST OF THEIR OWN KIND WILL COMPEL THEM TO SHELTER, FEED, ADORE AND PAMPER MY PRECIOUS CHILDREN.

FINALLY. FROM CHURNING MAGMA AND BILLOWING GASES I HAVE SHAPED AND MOLDED THIS PARADISE. ALL THAT REMAINS IS TO POPULATE IT WITH CREATURES MADE IN MY IMAGE. I DON’T WANT THEM TO HAVE TO WORK OR FORAGE FOR FOOD, THOUGH, SO I SHOULD PROBABLY MAKE SOME KIND OF ANNOYING, IGNORANT, SELF DESTRUCTIVE AND NEUROTIC BIPEDAL ASSHOLES WHOSE INTENSE LONELINESS EVEN IN THE MIDST OF THEIR OWN KIND WILL COMPEL THEM TO SHELTER, FEED, ADORE AND PAMPER MY PRECIOUS CHILDREN.

3:40 pm
649 notes
EXCUSE ME, WAITER? WAITER?
COULD I CHANGE MY ORDER? I HATE TO BE A BOTHER BUT I JUST NOTICED YOUR SPECIALS. I’VE NEVER HEARD OF “BLACK PLANKTON SLURRY.” IT SOUNDS DELICIOUS, AND THAT’S A REALLY GOOD PRICE.
OH YEAH, IT’S WONDERFUL. WE STILL IMPORT MOST OF OUR MARKET SPECIALS STRAIGHT FROM THE GULF. NEXT WEEK WE’RE DOING MUTATED KRILL WITH BLACK SEAGRASS, EYELESS MOSQUITOFISH WITH A CHEMICAL DISPERSANT GLAZE … ALL KINDS OF GREAT NEW STUFF.

EXCUSE ME, WAITER? WAITER?

COULD I CHANGE MY ORDER? I HATE TO BE A BOTHER BUT I JUST NOTICED YOUR SPECIALS. I’VE NEVER HEARD OF “BLACK PLANKTON SLURRY.” IT SOUNDS DELICIOUS, AND THAT’S A REALLY GOOD PRICE.

OH YEAH, IT’S WONDERFUL. WE STILL IMPORT MOST OF OUR MARKET SPECIALS STRAIGHT FROM THE GULF. NEXT WEEK WE’RE DOING MUTATED KRILL WITH BLACK SEAGRASS, EYELESS MOSQUITOFISH WITH A CHEMICAL DISPERSANT GLAZE … ALL KINDS OF GREAT NEW STUFF.

6:30 pm - Tue, Feb 25, 2014
1,223 notes
AND BILLY WAS LIKE, HEY MARTY, YOU LOOK TIRED, RIGHT? AND I WAS ALL LIKE, YEAH, I GUESS I AM OR WHATEVER. SO HE ASKS ME IF I WANT A BUMP AND I’M ALL, A BUMP? WHAT’S A BUMP? NINE HOURS LATER AND WE’RE ON THE ROOF THROWING OFFICE CHAIRS FORTY STORIES ONTO CABS AND SHIT. AND THAT WAS JUST THE FIRST NIGHT. I WAS LIKE THAT FOR TWO YEARS BEFORE I HAD THE HEART ATTACK. I GOT TWO PROMOTIONS. ONE DIVORCE. NOWADAYS I DON’T TOUCH ANYTHING STRONGER THAN CAFFEINE, BUT IF YOU’D SEEN ME BACK THEN, FORGET ABOUT IT. I HAD TO GET OUT OF SALES ALTOGETHER. TOO MUCH PRESSURE. NOWADAYS I LIVE BEHIND A 7-11 DUMPSTER WITH A COUPLE OF PALS. IT’S SUPER LOW-KEY, AND YOU CAN’T BEAT THE RENT. SAY, YOU GOT A CIGARETTE? I COULD REALLY GO FOR A CIGARETTE RIGHT ABOUT NOW.

AND BILLY WAS LIKE, HEY MARTY, YOU LOOK TIRED, RIGHT? AND I WAS ALL LIKE, YEAH, I GUESS I AM OR WHATEVER. SO HE ASKS ME IF I WANT A BUMP AND I’M ALL, A BUMP? WHAT’S A BUMP? NINE HOURS LATER AND WE’RE ON THE ROOF THROWING OFFICE CHAIRS FORTY STORIES ONTO CABS AND SHIT. AND THAT WAS JUST THE FIRST NIGHT. I WAS LIKE THAT FOR TWO YEARS BEFORE I HAD THE HEART ATTACK. I GOT TWO PROMOTIONS. ONE DIVORCE. NOWADAYS I DON’T TOUCH ANYTHING STRONGER THAN CAFFEINE, BUT IF YOU’D SEEN ME BACK THEN, FORGET ABOUT IT. I HAD TO GET OUT OF SALES ALTOGETHER. TOO MUCH PRESSURE. NOWADAYS I LIVE BEHIND A 7-11 DUMPSTER WITH A COUPLE OF PALS. IT’S SUPER LOW-KEY, AND YOU CAN’T BEAT THE RENT. SAY, YOU GOT A CIGARETTE? I COULD REALLY GO FOR A CIGARETTE RIGHT ABOUT NOW.

2:50 pm
8,836 notes
I GOT A BOX LOT OF OLD URBAN DECAY NAIL POLISH ON EBAY. THE PRICE WAS INSANE BUT RIGHT NOW I’M DOING THIS KIND OF ASPHALT BASE COAT WITH BRUISE SPONGED ON THE TIPS AND IT LOOKS ABSOLUTELY AMAZING.
WHAT DID YOU SAY, HONEY?
NOTHING, JEFF. I’M ON MY BLUETOOTH! SHELLY, DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN WE USED TO HAVE TO HOLD THE CORDLESS IN THE CROOK OF OUR SHOULDER THE ENTIRE TIME OUR NAILS WERE DRYING? I MEAN, SERIOUSLY, HOW DID WE LIVE?

I GOT A BOX LOT OF OLD URBAN DECAY NAIL POLISH ON EBAY. THE PRICE WAS INSANE BUT RIGHT NOW I’M DOING THIS KIND OF ASPHALT BASE COAT WITH BRUISE SPONGED ON THE TIPS AND IT LOOKS ABSOLUTELY AMAZING.

WHAT DID YOU SAY, HONEY?

NOTHING, JEFF. I’M ON MY BLUETOOTH! SHELLY, DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN WE USED TO HAVE TO HOLD THE CORDLESS IN THE CROOK OF OUR SHOULDER THE ENTIRE TIME OUR NAILS WERE DRYING? I MEAN, SERIOUSLY, HOW DID WE LIVE?

7:20 pm - Mon, Feb 24, 2014
4,151 notes
HEY, MOM?
I’VE BEEN WATCHING A LOT OF MOVIES AND IT TURNS OUT EVERYONE IS BASICALLY SUPPOSED TO IGNORE THEIR PARENTS FOR A SOLID FIVE OR SIX YEARS WHILE THEY DO ALL KINDS OF ILLEGAL SUBSTANCES AND EXPLORE A WIDE VARIETY OF SEXUAL SCENARIOS BEFORE FINALLY EMERGING AS NASCENT ADULTS, WHEREUPON THEY QUICKLY COME TO REALIZE ALL THEIR PARENTS’ ADVICE AND WARNINGS WERE VALID BUT ULTIMATELY USELESS IN THE FACE OF A DOGGED DETERMINATION TO SELF-ACTUALIZE, LEADING TO AN EARNEST APOLOGY AND A HARD-EARNED RESPECT BETWEEN PSEUDO-EQUALS THAT DEEPENS AND BECOMES THE MATURE FAMILIAL BOND.
SO I’M GOING TO BORROW THE CAR AND A COUPLE PACKS OF CIGARETTES AND FUCK OFF FOR LIKE, HALF A DECADE.
I LOVE YOU, THOUGH. AND DON’T WORRY, WE’LL GET THROUGH THIS.

HEY, MOM?

I’VE BEEN WATCHING A LOT OF MOVIES AND IT TURNS OUT EVERYONE IS BASICALLY SUPPOSED TO IGNORE THEIR PARENTS FOR A SOLID FIVE OR SIX YEARS WHILE THEY DO ALL KINDS OF ILLEGAL SUBSTANCES AND EXPLORE A WIDE VARIETY OF SEXUAL SCENARIOS BEFORE FINALLY EMERGING AS NASCENT ADULTS, WHEREUPON THEY QUICKLY COME TO REALIZE ALL THEIR PARENTS’ ADVICE AND WARNINGS WERE VALID BUT ULTIMATELY USELESS IN THE FACE OF A DOGGED DETERMINATION TO SELF-ACTUALIZE, LEADING TO AN EARNEST APOLOGY AND A HARD-EARNED RESPECT BETWEEN PSEUDO-EQUALS THAT DEEPENS AND BECOMES THE MATURE FAMILIAL BOND.

SO I’M GOING TO BORROW THE CAR AND A COUPLE PACKS OF CIGARETTES AND FUCK OFF FOR LIKE, HALF A DECADE.

I LOVE YOU, THOUGH. AND DON’T WORRY, WE’LL GET THROUGH THIS.

3:54 pm
1,056 notes
BILL, THERE YOU ARE. I’VE BEEN LOOKING ALL OVER FOR YOU. JUST KIDDING, OF COURSE. EVER SINCE YOU FUSED WITH YOUR DESK CHAIR AFTER A STAGGERING AMOUNT OF OVERTIME AND HAD TO BE ENCASED IN A NUTRIENT-RICH JELLY SUBSTANCE TO MAINTAIN YOUR BASIC BODY FUNCTIONS YOU HAVEN’T BEEN ABLE TO LEAVE THE OFFICE.
THAT’S ACTUALLY WHAT I’M HERE TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT, BILL. I’M SURE YOU’VE NOTICED WE’VE BEEN MAKING SOME CUTBACKS RECENTLY, AND I PROBABLY DON’T NEED TO TELL YOU THAT A JELLY TANK COSTS THE COMPANY A PRETTY PENNY IN UPKEEP AND MAINTENANCE.
IT’S NOTHING PERSONAL, BILL. YOU’RE A GOOD WORKER. EVERYONE CAN SEE THAT. IT’S JUST A NUMBERS THING.

BILL, THERE YOU ARE. I’VE BEEN LOOKING ALL OVER FOR YOU. JUST KIDDING, OF COURSE. EVER SINCE YOU FUSED WITH YOUR DESK CHAIR AFTER A STAGGERING AMOUNT OF OVERTIME AND HAD TO BE ENCASED IN A NUTRIENT-RICH JELLY SUBSTANCE TO MAINTAIN YOUR BASIC BODY FUNCTIONS YOU HAVEN’T BEEN ABLE TO LEAVE THE OFFICE.

THAT’S ACTUALLY WHAT I’M HERE TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT, BILL. I’M SURE YOU’VE NOTICED WE’VE BEEN MAKING SOME CUTBACKS RECENTLY, AND I PROBABLY DON’T NEED TO TELL YOU THAT A JELLY TANK COSTS THE COMPANY A PRETTY PENNY IN UPKEEP AND MAINTENANCE.

IT’S NOTHING PERSONAL, BILL. YOU’RE A GOOD WORKER. EVERYONE CAN SEE THAT. IT’S JUST A NUMBERS THING.

1:20 pm - Fri, Feb 21, 2014
7,532 notes
DAMN IT, BETH, ARE YOU BLATANTLY PRACTICING THE DARK ARTS  IN PLAIN VIEW OF THE NEIGHBORS? DO YOU WANT TO HAVE TO MOVE AGAIN? 
NO, HONEY. THIS IS JUST YOGA.
THAT’S NOT YOGA, BETH. I KNOW WHAT YOGA LOOKS LIKE.
ASHTANGA, MAYBE, OR HATHA, BUT THIS IS ADVANCED IYENGAR. MY CHAKRAS ARE WIDE OPEN OR WHATEVER.
YOU’RE LEVITATING, BETH, AND THERE ARE OBVIOUS SIGNS OF RITUAL SACRIFICE IN THE GARAGE.
SHHHHHH, HONEY. YOU’RE DISRUPTING MY CHI FLOW.

DAMN IT, BETH, ARE YOU BLATANTLY PRACTICING THE DARK ARTS  IN PLAIN VIEW OF THE NEIGHBORS? DO YOU WANT TO HAVE TO MOVE AGAIN? 

NO, HONEY. THIS IS JUST YOGA.

THAT’S NOT YOGA, BETH. I KNOW WHAT YOGA LOOKS LIKE.

ASHTANGA, MAYBE, OR HATHA, BUT THIS IS ADVANCED IYENGAR. MY CHAKRAS ARE WIDE OPEN OR WHATEVER.

YOU’RE LEVITATING, BETH, AND THERE ARE OBVIOUS SIGNS OF RITUAL SACRIFICE IN THE GARAGE.

SHHHHHH, HONEY. YOU’RE DISRUPTING MY CHI FLOW.

7:07 pm - Thu, Feb 20, 2014
1,404 notes
CINDY, YOU ACTUALLY THINK THIS IS SOMEHOW A ‘ONE SIDED RELATIONSHIP’ AND THAT I ONLY CARE ABOUT MY OWN FEELINGS? HOW DO YOU SUPPOSE IT MAKES ME FEEL TO KNOW THAT THE WOMAN I LOVE THINKS I’M ‘SHALLOW’, AND ‘SELFISH’, AND THAT I EXHIBIT ‘AN ALMOST PATHOLOGICAL COMPULSION TO MAKE MYSELF THE FOCUS OF EVERY DISCUSSION’?
THAT’S SO UNFAIR TO ME. I DON’T DESERVE THAT, AND I’M NOT SURE HOW I’M SUPPOSED TO COPE WITH IT.

CINDY, YOU ACTUALLY THINK THIS IS SOMEHOW A ‘ONE SIDED RELATIONSHIP’ AND THAT I ONLY CARE ABOUT MY OWN FEELINGS? HOW DO YOU SUPPOSE IT MAKES ME FEEL TO KNOW THAT THE WOMAN I LOVE THINKS I’M ‘SHALLOW’, AND ‘SELFISH’, AND THAT I EXHIBIT ‘AN ALMOST PATHOLOGICAL COMPULSION TO MAKE MYSELF THE FOCUS OF EVERY DISCUSSION’?

THAT’S SO UNFAIR TO ME. I DON’T DESERVE THAT, AND I’M NOT SURE HOW I’M SUPPOSED TO COPE WITH IT.

3:13 pm
20,913 notes
MARTY! CARL! SORRY TO BURST IN LIKE THIS BUT I WAS UP ALL NIGHT DOING AN INADVISABLE COMBINATION OF COCAINE AND PCP AND THINKING UP NEW MARKETING STRATEGIES AND I BELIEVE I’VE GOT JUST THE THING TO TURN THIS WHOLE VENTURE AROUND! DO YOU HAVE A MINUTE? AM I INTERRUPTING?

MARTY! CARL! SORRY TO BURST IN LIKE THIS BUT I WAS UP ALL NIGHT DOING AN INADVISABLE COMBINATION OF COCAINE AND PCP AND THINKING UP NEW MARKETING STRATEGIES AND I BELIEVE I’VE GOT JUST THE THING TO TURN THIS WHOLE VENTURE AROUND! DO YOU HAVE A MINUTE? AM I INTERRUPTING?

4:40 pm - Wed, Feb 19, 2014
1,718 notes
BILLY. FOR CHRIST’S SAKE, LOOK AT THIS PLACE. I WORK FIFTY, SIXTY HOURS A WEEK. I WANT TO COME HOME TO A CLEAN TERRARIUM AND INSTEAD IT’S LITTLE BITS OF CRICKETS EVERYWHERE, WHAT LOOKS AND SMELLS LIKE SHIT ON THE HOT STONE, SAND ALL IN THE WATER DISH …
I KNOW THINGS ARE TOUGH WITH YOUR MOM GONE BUT YOU GOTTA START PULLING YOUR WEIGHT AROUND HERE. WE CAN’T LIVE LIKE THIS.

BILLY. FOR CHRIST’S SAKE, LOOK AT THIS PLACE. I WORK FIFTY, SIXTY HOURS A WEEK. I WANT TO COME HOME TO A CLEAN TERRARIUM AND INSTEAD IT’S LITTLE BITS OF CRICKETS EVERYWHERE, WHAT LOOKS AND SMELLS LIKE SHIT ON THE HOT STONE, SAND ALL IN THE WATER DISH …

I KNOW THINGS ARE TOUGH WITH YOUR MOM GONE BUT YOU GOTTA START PULLING YOUR WEIGHT AROUND HERE. WE CAN’T LIVE LIKE THIS.

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