ANIMALS TALKING IN ALL CAPS

THIS IS TORTURE. WHAT KIND OF HOTEL DOESN’T HAVE WIFI? 

AT THIS POINT I’D GLADLY FACEBOOK CHAT WITH MY CRAZY AUNT WHO ALWAYS POSTS MUFFIN RECIPES IF IT MEANT I COULD ALSO CHECK MY EMAIL. THAT’S HOW BAD I WANT THE INTERNET.

FASHION IS FLEETING. STYLE IS SOMETHING THEY CAN NEVER TAKE AWAY FROM YOU, AND STYLE IS 80% CONFIDENCE. SO DON’T SECOND GUESS YOURSELF. YOU’VE GOT THIS. YOU OWN THIS LOOK. 

PLUS YOU GOT NEW SHOES AND THAT BUMBLE & BUMBLE SURF SPRAY REALLY GIVES YOUR CURLS A NICE LIFT.

NOW GET OUT THERE AND KNOCK ‘EM DEAD.

SINGLE FILE LINE. SINGLE FILE LINE, PLEASE.

GOOD MORNING, AND WELCOME TO POLAR BOB’S POLAR PLAYPLACE. WE’VE GOT ALL KINDS OF EXCITING FLOES AND SNOW PILES FOR YOUR ENJOYMENT, AS WELL AS OUR RENOWNED COLLECTION OF ICICLE COVERED CAVES. RECENT GLOBAL DEVELOPMENTS HAVE REDUCED THE OVERALL LEVELS OF PERMAFROST REVEALING SOME EXCITING HIDDEN LANDSCAPES WHILE CAUSING PREVIOUS ATTRACTIONS TO BREAK OFF AND SINK INTO THE UNFORGIVING SEA, SO THERE’S ALWAYS SOMETHING NEW FOR YOU AND YOUR LOVED ONES TO ENJOY. AS ALWAYS, POLAR BOB’S POLAR ARCADE WILL ONLY COST YOU FIVE FISH, WHICH IN THESE TRYING ECONOMIC TIMES IS SURELY ONE OF THE BETTER BARGAINS TO BE FOUND IN THIS HEMISPHERE, SO STEP RIGHT UP AND WE’LL GET YOU FROLICKING IN NO TIME.

AGAIN, COULD I GET A SINGLE FILE LINE PLEASE? THANKS SO MUCH.

OH HEY. COME ON IN. GRAB A KETTLEBELL. GET LOOSE.

CLASS DOESN’T START FOR ANOTHER 20 MINUTES BUT I LIKE TO GET HERE EARLY AND JUST KIND OF TONE MY CORE, YOU KNOW? GOT TO HIT THAT CORE.  IT’S LIKE THEY SAY: “STRONG CORE, STRONG … OTHER STUFF.”

I’M PARAPHRASING, OBVIOUSLY, BUT YOU GET WHAT I MEAN.

PHIL, LISTEN TO ME. YOU CAN PANIC NOW AND TRY TO DITCH THE STOCK OR YOU CAN TRUST ME TO DO WHAT YOU PAY ME TO DO, WHICH IS TO MANAGE YOUR PORTFOLIO. IT’S A TEMPORARY FLUCTUATION. NOTHING TO BE ALARMED ABOUT. THE SHIP HASN’T EVEN LEFT THE HARBOR, BUDDY. THIS IS JUST A PASSING STORM, AND YOU CAN BE ONE OF THE RATS THAT SCUTTLES OVERBOARD, BACK ONTO THE DOCKS, OR YOU CAN HUNKER DOWN IN A NICE BAG OF ONIONS AND WAIT FOR THE-

THAT’S A METAPHOR, PHIL. I’M NOT CALLING YOU-  

YEAH, I GET THAT IT WAS A LITTLE CONVOLUTED, BUT-

OKAY, STOP YELLING. SOME OF MY BEST FRIENDS ARE-

LOOK, NEVERMIND. AT THE END OF THE DAY IT’S YOUR MONEY. YOU LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU WANT TO DO WITH IT. PLEASE DECIDE QUICKLY, THOUGH. I’VE HAD A JUNIOR ANALYST BASICALLY TOUCHING ME FOR FIVE MINUTES AND I TRY REALLY HARD NEVER TO BE THIS CLOSE TO THEM.

LOOK, IT’S NOTHING PERSONAL, AND THEY DO HAVE A GREAT BLOODY MARY BAR, BUT I JUST DON’T HAVE THE ENERGY TO GO TO BRUNCH TODAY, OKAY? I’M COMPLETELY WIPED OUT FROM THIS WEEKEND.

SERIOUSLY, JUST HAVING THIS CONVERSATION IS EXHAUSTING ME RIGHT NOW.

IS EVERYONE BLIND? IS THIS THE MOVIE BLINDNESS STARRING JULIANNE MOORE AND GAEL GARCÍA BERNAL?

SOMEONE ACKNOWLEDGE HOW GOOD I LOOK TODAY BEFORE I HAVE A VIOLENT OUTBURST THAT ENDS IN BLOODSHED!

TOO OFTEN WE ALLOW OURSELVES TO BE RULED BY FEAR. WE SUCCUMB TO SELF DOUBT AND FAIL TO UNLOCK OUR FULL POTENTIAL. HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU LET THAT NAGGING VOICE IN YOUR MIND TALK YOU OUT OF GETTING WHAT YOU REALLY WANT, RIGHT? I MEAN, I ALMOST DIDN’T COME INTO THIS NARROW BOX CANYON AND CORNER YOU IN A DENSE THICKET OF IMPENETRABLE UNDERBRUSH BECAUSE I WAS AFRAID I MIGHT NOT BE FAST ENOUGH, BUT I DIDN’T GIVE IN TO THAT FEAR. I DIDN’T LISTEN TO THAT LITTLE  VOICE, AND I’M REALLY PROUD OF THE WAY THIS HAS ALL TURNED OUT, YOU KNOW?

I JUST WANTED TO SHARE THAT WITH YOU. I CAN SEE BY THAT PUDDLE OF URINE THAT YOU’RE HAVING A LITTLE STRUGGLE WITH FEAR YOURSELF. DON’T LET THAT DEFINE YOU FOR THE FEW BRIEF MOMENTS YOU HAVE LEFT TO LIVE. JUST BE THE BEST YOU YOU CAN BE.

IN RAINBOWS IS NOT THE BEST RADIOHEAD ALBUM YOU WEIRD LITTLE HIPSTER SHIT. STOP TRYING TO BE DIFFERENT AND GO BUY SOME SHOES THAT FIT.

He’s right, Danny. There’s an mild argument to be made for Kid A even though OK Computer is clearly the correct and logical choice, so you’re just being a dick.

JESUS, MARY, AND JOSEPH, THOSE ARE ASTOUNDINGLY LOW MORTGAGE RATES.

MOM, DAD, ARE YOU SERIOUS? THIS CAN’T BE LEGAL! SOMEBODY HELP ME! HELP!

DID YOU HEAR SOMETHING, DEAR?

NOPE. CERTAINLY NOT OUR DAUGHTER WHO CAN’T SEEM TO CONTROL HER RAGING HORMONES AND IS GROUNDED UNTIL SHE PUPATES.

TOMMY AND I LOVE EACH OTHER! YOU CAN’T KEEP US APART!

THE HELL WE CAN’T. IS YOUR SIDE TIGHT, HONEY?

TIGHT AS A DRUM. 

OH MY GOD I HATE YOU GUYS!

IT’S FOR YOUR OWN GOOD, SHARON.

YOU CAN COME OUT WHEN YOU LEARN TO ACT LIKE A RESPONSIBLE ADULT, OR WHEN YOU ACTUALLY METAMORPHOSE INTO ONE.

WAIT. STOP, PLEASE.

I’M SORRY. I’M NOT TRYING TO RUIN THE MOMENT, AND I REALLY APPRECIATE ALL THE TROUBLE YOU GUYS WENT THROUGH TO PUT THIS PARTY TOGETHER, BUT STEPHEN’S BEEN DOING THE SARCASTIC JERK OFF HAND GESTURE THE ENTIRE TIME YOU’VE BEEN SINGING HAPPY BIRTHDAY AND IT’S REALLY BUMMING ME OUT.

Goodbye, ‘Merica.

After a protracted and excruciating wait, the fine men and women of the UKBA sent me an email yesterday that simply read “Your UK visa has been issued.”

Are there six sexier words in the English language? No. No there are not.

So not only will ATIAC be back on track and regularly updated in the very near future, it will also be broadcast from the bonnie, bonnie banks of Loch Lomond (okay, from the dirty, dirty streets of Glasgow’s city center, but whatever). I will also, thankfully, be on the same continent as my wife for our first anniversary, which we were really starting to worry wouldn’t happen.

My head’s been in the entirely wrong spot to try to do this lately, unless I updated the title to Animals Being Suicidal and/or Maliciously Rude In All Caps, but now that I can breathe without feeling like there’s some sort of tight metal band around my lungs, I think maybe we can get back to the celebrity crushes and dating disasters that fuel the animal kingdom.

I love you all for your patience and your quirky fashion sense.

Let’s go get a beer, okay? Just (all of) you and me? 

We can wait until later if you think it’s too early, but as my alcoholic uncle Rob always says, “It’s bound to be after noon somehwere”.

In a couple weeks it will be too late, unless you want to go get a Scottish beer.

Love,

Justin V.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING? JUST REGULAR FLYING? CHAD, THIS GUY’S JUST FLYING ALL REGULAR.

LAME, BRO! THAT’S SO SUPER LAME! GET EXTREME! EXTREME FLYING! LOOK AT THIS SHIT, BRO! WE’RE FLYING LIKE BADASSES! ALL CRAZY AND DANGEROUS AND SHIT!

LET’S GET OUT OF HERE. THIS IS A HIGHLY UNEXTREME ENVIRONMENT. PLUS THERE’S NO CHICKS, NO ENERGY DRINKS, NOTHING.

BRO! WHAT IS YOUR DEAL, BRO? THAT’S CRAZY UNEXTREME! GOOD LUCK FINDING A MATE WITH YOUR CAUTIOUS AERIAL MANEUVERING, NATURAL SPRING WATER, AND STEADY EMPLOYMENT, BRO! SEE YOU NEVER!