3:37 pm - Mon, Mar 24, 2014
2,693 notes
IN RETROSPECT, DARING CLARISSA TO TAKE A SELFIE NEXT TO THE FARMER’S CAT WAS PROBABLY A BAD IDEA.
YEAH.
I MEAN, IN OUR DEFENSE, OBVIOUSLY WE ALL THOUGHT THE CAT WAS SLEEPING.
YES. 
NOT THAT THAT DOES CLARISSA MUCH GOOD RIGHT NOW, OF COURSE.
NO. NO, IT CERTAINLY DOESN’T.
…
…
… I CALL DIBS ON THAT PHONE.

IN RETROSPECT, DARING CLARISSA TO TAKE A SELFIE NEXT TO THE FARMER’S CAT WAS PROBABLY A BAD IDEA.

YEAH.

I MEAN, IN OUR DEFENSE, OBVIOUSLY WE ALL THOUGHT THE CAT WAS SLEEPING.

YES. 

NOT THAT THAT DOES CLARISSA MUCH GOOD RIGHT NOW, OF COURSE.

NO. NO, IT CERTAINLY DOESN’T.

… I CALL DIBS ON THAT PHONE.

2:10 pm - Thu, Mar 20, 2014
1,121 notes
SHUT UP! IT’S BEJEWELED, NOT CANDY CRUSH, AND I HAPPEN TO BE A LEVEL 70 MASTER LAPIDARY, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

SHUT UP! IT’S BEJEWELED, NOT CANDY CRUSH, AND I HAPPEN TO BE A LEVEL 70 MASTER LAPIDARY, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

5:21 pm - Wed, Mar 19, 2014
2,111 notes
'TIL DEATH DO US PART, COLIN. THAT'S WHAT YOU SAID. THAT WAS YOUR SOLEMN VOW. THAT MEANS YOU HAVE TO TELL ME I’M SEXY EVEN IF I’M NOT WEARING MAKEUP AND YOU HAVE TO DO THE DISHES WHEN IT’S YOUR TURN, EVERY TIME, UNTIL ONE OF US IS DEAD. NOW QUIT BEING A BIG BABY AND GO SCRUB THE PANS. IF YOU HURRY UP WE MIGHT EVEN HAVE TIME TO MAKE GENTLE LOVE BEFORE I GO TO WORK.
YEAH, MIGHT AS WELL GET ALL THE CHORES DONE EARLY.
WHAT? WHAT DID YOU SAY? 
NOTHING, DEBBIE.

'TIL DEATH DO US PART, COLIN. THAT'S WHAT YOU SAID. THAT WAS YOUR SOLEMN VOW. THAT MEANS YOU HAVE TO TELL ME I’M SEXY EVEN IF I’M NOT WEARING MAKEUP AND YOU HAVE TO DO THE DISHES WHEN IT’S YOUR TURN, EVERY TIME, UNTIL ONE OF US IS DEAD. NOW QUIT BEING A BIG BABY AND GO SCRUB THE PANS. IF YOU HURRY UP WE MIGHT EVEN HAVE TIME TO MAKE GENTLE LOVE BEFORE I GO TO WORK.

YEAH, MIGHT AS WELL GET ALL THE CHORES DONE EARLY.

WHAT? WHAT DID YOU SAY? 

NOTHING, DEBBIE.

1:11 pm
3,037 notes
I’M JUST ASKING BECAUSE I DON’T UNDERSTAND! IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU’RE USING THE WORD FEELS WHEN YOU MEAN TO SAY FEELINGS!
I AM! THAT’S WHAT I DO NOW! AND I’M HAVING A TON OF NEGATIVE FEELS ABOUT YOUR TONE POLICING MY EXPRESSIONS! ONLY MEMBERS OF MY HEADCANON CAN DO THAT!
YOUR WHAT? WHAT LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING?
STUFF IT, DOUCHETWINKLE! YOU’RE JUST TOO OLD TO UNDERSTAND THAT FEELS ARE A CRYPTOCURRENCY THAT CAN BE REDEEMED FOR SOCIAL ACCEPTANCE WITHIN FANDOMS! LIKE BITCOIN FOR YOUR HEART!
TOO OLD? WE’RE THE EXACT SAME AGE! AND WHAT THE HELL IS A FANDOM? 
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!
I NEVER SAID I WAS!

I’M JUST ASKING BECAUSE I DON’T UNDERSTAND! IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU’RE USING THE WORD FEELS WHEN YOU MEAN TO SAY FEELINGS!

I AM! THAT’S WHAT I DO NOW! AND I’M HAVING A TON OF NEGATIVE FEELS ABOUT YOUR TONE POLICING MY EXPRESSIONS! ONLY MEMBERS OF MY HEADCANON CAN DO THAT!

YOUR WHAT? WHAT LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING?

STUFF IT, DOUCHETWINKLE! YOU’RE JUST TOO OLD TO UNDERSTAND THAT FEELS ARE A CRYPTOCURRENCY THAT CAN BE REDEEMED FOR SOCIAL ACCEPTANCE WITHIN FANDOMS! LIKE BITCOIN FOR YOUR HEART!

TOO OLD? WE’RE THE EXACT SAME AGE! AND WHAT THE HELL IS A FANDOM? 

YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!

I NEVER SAID I WAS!

5:20 pm - Mon, Mar 17, 2014
1,775 notes
AH, DAMN IT! WAS THERE GLUTEN IN THAT? I’M LIKE THE ONLY ONE IN THE WHOLE WORLD THAT’S ACTUALLY ALLERGIC TO IT INSTEAD OF JUST SAYING THAT BECAUSE I’M TRYING TO LOSE WEIGHT! OH GOD WHAT’S HAPPENING TO ME? IT BURNS! SOMEONE GET THE EPI-PEN, PLEASE! 

AH, DAMN IT! WAS THERE GLUTEN IN THAT? I’M LIKE THE ONLY ONE IN THE WHOLE WORLD THAT’S ACTUALLY ALLERGIC TO IT INSTEAD OF JUST SAYING THAT BECAUSE I’M TRYING TO LOSE WEIGHT! OH GOD WHAT’S HAPPENING TO ME? IT BURNS! SOMEONE GET THE EPI-PEN, PLEASE! 

4:33 pm - Fri, Mar 14, 2014
1,683 notes
I GOT A BAD TASTE IN MY MOUTH OUT HERE. ALUMINUM … ASH … LIKE YOU CAN … SMELL THE PSYCHOSPHERE.
I GOT AN IDEA. LET’S MAKE THE LOG A PLACE OF SILENT REFLECTION FROM NOW ON, OKAY?

I GOT A BAD TASTE IN MY MOUTH OUT HERE. ALUMINUM … ASH … LIKE YOU CAN … SMELL THE PSYCHOSPHERE.

I GOT AN IDEA. LET’S MAKE THE LOG A PLACE OF SILENT REFLECTION FROM NOW ON, OKAY?

3:59 pm - Tue, Mar 11, 2014
3,961 notes
HARRIET, LISTEN TO ME, YOU’RE DOING GREAT.
Are we almost there?
WE WOULD BE IF IT WASN’T FOR THIS FUCKING TRAFFIC. COME ON, PEOPLE! MOVE IT! HOW FAR APART ARE THE CONTRACTIONS?
A few minutes, I think. I’m so sorry about this, Hank. Larry’s stuck in a work meeting and- oh! Oh my god that hurts!
DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT. IT’S THE LEAST I CAN DO FOR ALL THE FOOD AND CLEAN BEDDING YOU’VE GIVEN ME. NOW LIE BACK AND FOCUS ON YOUR BREATHING. WE’RE ALMOST THERE.

HARRIET, LISTEN TO ME, YOU’RE DOING GREAT.

Are we almost there?

WE WOULD BE IF IT WASN’T FOR THIS FUCKING TRAFFIC. COME ON, PEOPLE! MOVE IT! HOW FAR APART ARE THE CONTRACTIONS?

A few minutes, I think. I’m so sorry about this, Hank. Larry’s stuck in a work meeting and- oh! Oh my god that hurts!

DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT. IT’S THE LEAST I CAN DO FOR ALL THE FOOD AND CLEAN BEDDING YOU’VE GIVEN ME. NOW LIE BACK AND FOCUS ON YOUR BREATHING. WE’RE ALMOST THERE.

3:40 pm - Fri, Mar 7, 2014
5,409 notes
MY GOD, YOU’RE SO SQUISHY.
SAMUEL, YOU SLIMEBALL. KISS ME AGAIN.
I COULD GET LOST FOREVER IN YOUR FLAPS AND FOLDS.
STOP TALKING AND TAKE ME, SAMUEL. FILL ME WITH CHILDREN, NOT JUST POETRY.
YES! AND YOU AS WELL, SHEILA. AFTER ALL, OUR HERMAPHRODITIC REPRODUCTIVE SYSTEMS ALLOW FOR MUTUAL FERTILIZATION. 
THAT’S SO SEXY.
I KNOW.

MY GOD, YOU’RE SO SQUISHY.

SAMUEL, YOU SLIMEBALL. KISS ME AGAIN.

I COULD GET LOST FOREVER IN YOUR FLAPS AND FOLDS.

STOP TALKING AND TAKE ME, SAMUEL. FILL ME WITH CHILDREN, NOT JUST POETRY.

YES! AND YOU AS WELL, SHEILA. AFTER ALL, OUR HERMAPHRODITIC REPRODUCTIVE SYSTEMS ALLOW FOR MUTUAL FERTILIZATION. 

THAT’S SO SEXY.

I KNOW.

3:40 pm - Thu, Mar 6, 2014
2,452 notes
DOES ANYBODY ELSE THINK GOING THROUGH THAT STARGATE MIGHT HAVE BEEN A BAD IDEA?
IS THAT WHAT THAT FLASH OF LIGHT WAS?
YES! HOW COULD YOU HAVE MISSED THAT?
TO BE HONEST I WASN’T PAYING ATTENTION. I WAS JUST FOLLOWING KEVIN.
ME TOO.
SAME HERE.

DOES ANYBODY ELSE THINK GOING THROUGH THAT STARGATE MIGHT HAVE BEEN A BAD IDEA?

IS THAT WHAT THAT FLASH OF LIGHT WAS?

YES! HOW COULD YOU HAVE MISSED THAT?

TO BE HONEST I WASN’T PAYING ATTENTION. I WAS JUST FOLLOWING KEVIN.

ME TOO.

SAME HERE.

2:03 pm - Tue, Mar 4, 2014
2,587 notes
PLEASE, MR. ANDERSEN, TRY TO REMAIN CALM. I PASS NO JUDGMENTS. I’M JUST HERE TO LISTEN. THIS IS SIMPLY A DEDICATED TIME AND PLACE FOR YOU TO EXAMINE YOUR INNER TOPOGRAPHY WITH SOMEONE WHO SHARES AN INTEREST IN YOUR FINDINGS. I’M A FELLOW EXPLORER, NOT AN ACCUSER.
NOW PLEASE, TELL ME MORE ABOUT YOUR GROSS WEIRD HENTAI COLLECTION.

PLEASE, MR. ANDERSEN, TRY TO REMAIN CALM. I PASS NO JUDGMENTS. I’M JUST HERE TO LISTEN. THIS IS SIMPLY A DEDICATED TIME AND PLACE FOR YOU TO EXAMINE YOUR INNER TOPOGRAPHY WITH SOMEONE WHO SHARES AN INTEREST IN YOUR FINDINGS. I’M A FELLOW EXPLORER, NOT AN ACCUSER.

NOW PLEASE, TELL ME MORE ABOUT YOUR GROSS WEIRD HENTAI COLLECTION.

7:31 pm - Mon, Mar 3, 2014
5,145 notes
Anywhere I want? 
AS LONG AS IT’S NOT INSIDE A HOUSE IT’S FAIR GAME. THAT’S HOW I’VE COME TO UNDERSTAND IT.
What about cleanup?
NOT YOUR CONCERN. SOMEONE COMES ALONG WITH A BAG. 
You’re kidding.
I KNOW, IT SOUNDS CRAZY, BUT I SWEAR IT’S TRUE.

Anywhere I want? 

AS LONG AS IT’S NOT INSIDE A HOUSE IT’S FAIR GAME. THAT’S HOW I’VE COME TO UNDERSTAND IT.

What about cleanup?

NOT YOUR CONCERN. SOMEONE COMES ALONG WITH A BAG. 

You’re kidding.

I KNOW, IT SOUNDS CRAZY, BUT I SWEAR IT’S TRUE.

2:41 pm
834 notes
WHAT? IT WAS JUMPING OUT OF THE WATER! THERE WERE HUNDREDS OF THEM!
I KNOW. THAT’S THE PROBLEM. IT’S EXACTLY WHAT BIG NATURE WANTS. A BUNCH OF MINDLESS LOCAVORES. SLAVES TO CONVENIENCE. “HERE, HAVE THIS FAT, FORGETTABLE TROUT AT THE PEAK OF ITS FRESHNESS FROM RIGHT IN YOUR BACKYARD.” 
IS THAT BAD?
YES! SEASONAL FOOD WITH NO DECOMPOSITION, NO FLAVOR. IT’S A SCAM! FOOD SHOULD BE EXOTIC AND SLIGHTLY ROTTEN. DIFFICULT TO OBTAIN! HAVE YOU EVER HAD LITTLE MICE FROM UNDER THE ROCKS IN THE MOUNTAIN RANGE OUT WEST? ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE TO CATCH! AMAZING TERROIR! LAST MONTH AT WORK BILL BROUGHT IN A LIZARD HE GOT FROM SOMEPLACE IN THE SOUTH THAT DOESN’T EVEN HAVE WATER. DEAD FOR OVER A WEEK. IT WAS DELICIOUS! QUIT GRABBING WHATEVER’S IN THE RIVER AND START THINKING FOR YOURSELF.

WHAT? IT WAS JUMPING OUT OF THE WATER! THERE WERE HUNDREDS OF THEM!

I KNOW. THAT’S THE PROBLEM. IT’S EXACTLY WHAT BIG NATURE WANTS. A BUNCH OF MINDLESS LOCAVORES. SLAVES TO CONVENIENCE. “HERE, HAVE THIS FAT, FORGETTABLE TROUT AT THE PEAK OF ITS FRESHNESS FROM RIGHT IN YOUR BACKYARD.” 

IS THAT BAD?

YES! SEASONAL FOOD WITH NO DECOMPOSITION, NO FLAVOR. IT’S A SCAM! FOOD SHOULD BE EXOTIC AND SLIGHTLY ROTTEN. DIFFICULT TO OBTAIN! HAVE YOU EVER HAD LITTLE MICE FROM UNDER THE ROCKS IN THE MOUNTAIN RANGE OUT WEST? ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE TO CATCH! AMAZING TERROIR! LAST MONTH AT WORK BILL BROUGHT IN A LIZARD HE GOT FROM SOMEPLACE IN THE SOUTH THAT DOESN’T EVEN HAVE WATER. DEAD FOR OVER A WEEK. IT WAS DELICIOUS! QUIT GRABBING WHATEVER’S IN THE RIVER AND START THINKING FOR YOURSELF.

5:20 pm - Fri, Feb 28, 2014
7,684 notes
FINALLY. FROM CHURNING MAGMA AND BILLOWING GASES I HAVE SHAPED AND MOLDED THIS PARADISE. ALL THAT REMAINS IS TO POPULATE IT WITH CREATURES MADE IN MY IMAGE. I DON’T WANT THEM TO HAVE TO WORK OR FORAGE FOR FOOD, THOUGH, SO I SHOULD PROBABLY MAKE SOME KIND OF ANNOYING, IGNORANT, SELF DESTRUCTIVE AND NEUROTIC BIPEDAL ASSHOLES WHOSE INTENSE LONELINESS EVEN IN THE MIDST OF THEIR OWN KIND WILL COMPEL THEM TO SHELTER, FEED, ADORE AND PAMPER MY PRECIOUS CHILDREN.

FINALLY. FROM CHURNING MAGMA AND BILLOWING GASES I HAVE SHAPED AND MOLDED THIS PARADISE. ALL THAT REMAINS IS TO POPULATE IT WITH CREATURES MADE IN MY IMAGE. I DON’T WANT THEM TO HAVE TO WORK OR FORAGE FOR FOOD, THOUGH, SO I SHOULD PROBABLY MAKE SOME KIND OF ANNOYING, IGNORANT, SELF DESTRUCTIVE AND NEUROTIC BIPEDAL ASSHOLES WHOSE INTENSE LONELINESS EVEN IN THE MIDST OF THEIR OWN KIND WILL COMPEL THEM TO SHELTER, FEED, ADORE AND PAMPER MY PRECIOUS CHILDREN.

3:40 pm
662 notes
EXCUSE ME, WAITER? WAITER?
COULD I CHANGE MY ORDER? I HATE TO BE A BOTHER BUT I JUST NOTICED YOUR SPECIALS. I’VE NEVER HEARD OF “BLACK PLANKTON SLURRY.” IT SOUNDS DELICIOUS, AND THAT’S A REALLY GOOD PRICE.
OH YEAH, IT’S WONDERFUL. WE STILL IMPORT MOST OF OUR MARKET SPECIALS STRAIGHT FROM THE GULF. NEXT WEEK WE’RE DOING MUTATED KRILL WITH BLACK SEAGRASS, EYELESS MOSQUITOFISH WITH A CHEMICAL DISPERSANT GLAZE … ALL KINDS OF GREAT NEW STUFF.

EXCUSE ME, WAITER? WAITER?

COULD I CHANGE MY ORDER? I HATE TO BE A BOTHER BUT I JUST NOTICED YOUR SPECIALS. I’VE NEVER HEARD OF “BLACK PLANKTON SLURRY.” IT SOUNDS DELICIOUS, AND THAT’S A REALLY GOOD PRICE.

OH YEAH, IT’S WONDERFUL. WE STILL IMPORT MOST OF OUR MARKET SPECIALS STRAIGHT FROM THE GULF. NEXT WEEK WE’RE DOING MUTATED KRILL WITH BLACK SEAGRASS, EYELESS MOSQUITOFISH WITH A CHEMICAL DISPERSANT GLAZE … ALL KINDS OF GREAT NEW STUFF.

6:30 pm - Tue, Feb 25, 2014
1,243 notes
AND BILLY WAS LIKE, HEY MARTY, YOU LOOK TIRED, RIGHT? AND I WAS ALL LIKE, YEAH, I GUESS I AM OR WHATEVER. SO HE ASKS ME IF I WANT A BUMP AND I’M ALL, A BUMP? WHAT’S A BUMP? NINE HOURS LATER AND WE’RE ON THE ROOF THROWING OFFICE CHAIRS FORTY STORIES ONTO CABS AND SHIT. AND THAT WAS JUST THE FIRST NIGHT. I WAS LIKE THAT FOR TWO YEARS BEFORE I HAD THE HEART ATTACK. I GOT TWO PROMOTIONS. ONE DIVORCE. NOWADAYS I DON’T TOUCH ANYTHING STRONGER THAN CAFFEINE, BUT IF YOU’D SEEN ME BACK THEN, FORGET ABOUT IT. I HAD TO GET OUT OF SALES ALTOGETHER. TOO MUCH PRESSURE. NOWADAYS I LIVE BEHIND A 7-11 DUMPSTER WITH A COUPLE OF PALS. IT’S SUPER LOW-KEY, AND YOU CAN’T BEAT THE RENT. SAY, YOU GOT A CIGARETTE? I COULD REALLY GO FOR A CIGARETTE RIGHT ABOUT NOW.

AND BILLY WAS LIKE, HEY MARTY, YOU LOOK TIRED, RIGHT? AND I WAS ALL LIKE, YEAH, I GUESS I AM OR WHATEVER. SO HE ASKS ME IF I WANT A BUMP AND I’M ALL, A BUMP? WHAT’S A BUMP? NINE HOURS LATER AND WE’RE ON THE ROOF THROWING OFFICE CHAIRS FORTY STORIES ONTO CABS AND SHIT. AND THAT WAS JUST THE FIRST NIGHT. I WAS LIKE THAT FOR TWO YEARS BEFORE I HAD THE HEART ATTACK. I GOT TWO PROMOTIONS. ONE DIVORCE. NOWADAYS I DON’T TOUCH ANYTHING STRONGER THAN CAFFEINE, BUT IF YOU’D SEEN ME BACK THEN, FORGET ABOUT IT. I HAD TO GET OUT OF SALES ALTOGETHER. TOO MUCH PRESSURE. NOWADAYS I LIVE BEHIND A 7-11 DUMPSTER WITH A COUPLE OF PALS. IT’S SUPER LOW-KEY, AND YOU CAN’T BEAT THE RENT. SAY, YOU GOT A CIGARETTE? I COULD REALLY GO FOR A CIGARETTE RIGHT ABOUT NOW.

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