ANIMALS TALKING IN ALL CAPS

I HEARD THERE MGHT BE A DESTINY’S CHILD REUNION TOUR!

AAAAAAAHMMAHGGAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHDDD! THAT WOULD BE THE BEST THING!

I MEAN, SERIOUSLY, TODD, IS THIS 1950? ARE YOU MY DAD? HAVE I BEEN DATING MY DAD FROM 1950 THIS WHOLE TIME? BECAUSE THAT’S REALLY GROSS, BUT ALSO AMAZING SINCE EVERYONE THINKS TIME TRAVEL IS IMPOSSIBLE.

I AM GOING TO GO DANCING WITH MY FRIENDS, AT A DANCE CLUB, WHICH IS A CLUB DESIGNED FOR DANCING. YOU’RE NOT INVITED BECAUSE NOBODY’S BOYFRIEND IS INVITED, ON PURPOSE, BECAUSE IT’S A GIRLS’ NIGHT OUT. IF YOU THINK I CAN’T MANAGE THAT WITHOUT OPENING MY BROOD POUCH FOR SOME STRANGER THEN MAYBE YOU SHOULDN’T BE DATING SUCH A MASSIVE SLUT, AND YOU’RE MORE THAN WELCOME TO MOVE OUT. OTHERWISE YOU CAN TRY ACTING LIKE A MATURE ADULT AND TELL ME YOU HOPE I HAVE A GOOD NIGHT AND THAT YOU CAN’T WAIT FOR ME TO GET HOME.

SERIOUSLY, PETER, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? JUST HOP IN. I’M GETTING ALL PRUNEY.

WHAT, ARE YOU EMBARRASSED ABOUT YOUR LITTLE BEER TUMMY? 

GIVE ME A BREAK, PRIMADONNA. WE’RE NOT EIGHTEEN ANYMORE. IF I CAN HOUDINI MY WAY OUT OF MY SPANX AND TAKE A DIP THE LEAST YOU CAN DO IS JOIN ME.

I’M SUPPOSED TO MEET THE GANG DOWN AT THE MALL IN A BIT BUT I’M JUST NOT FEELING IT.

I THINK I’LL JUST STAY HOME.

CHILL OUT.

WATCH SOME CABLE.

HAVE A NICE, LOW-KEY DAY.

OH MAN, THAT’S TENDER. THAT DEFINITELY HURTS A LITTLE BIT. 

THEY SHOULD CUT YOU OFF AFTER A WHILE, YOU KNOW? FOR YOUR OWN GOOD.

I MEAN, I GUESS THAT WOULDN’T TECHNICALLY MAKE IT AN “UNLIMITED” SOUP, SALAD AND BREADSTICK MEAL, BUT STILL … 

WHAT’S GOING ON? WHAT IF GOD WAS ONE OF US? WHAT’S WITH THESE HOMIES DISSING MY GIRL? WHAT’S THE STORY, MORNING GLORY? WOULD SHE GO DOWN ON YOU IN A THEATER? WHAT’S THE FREQUENCY, KENNETH? CAN YOU HELP ME REMEMBER HOW TO SMILE? MAKE IT SOMEHOW ALL SEEM WORTHWHILE? WHERE HAVE ALL THE COWBOYS GONE? HUH? TELL ME!

DAMN IT, FREDDIE, YOU’RE HAVING ANOTHER INTERROGATIVE ‘90S EPISODE! SNAP OUT OF IT! IT’S NOT REAL! IT’S JUST- IT’S IN YOUR HEAD!

… IN MY HEAD?

IT’S IN YOUR HE-E-E-E-EEEEAD! IN YOUR HE-E-E-EAD! ZO-OM-BIE! ZO-OM-BIE!

ZO-OM-BEH-EH-EH!

Please be careful, that’s my wife’s-

OH! UH OH, DIDN’T MEAN TO DO THAT. HAVEN’T HAD MY COFFEE YET TODAY. JIM, CAN YOU HAND ME THE- AH HELL! REALLY? WHAT IS THAT MADE OUT OF, JUST PARTICLE BOARD OR SOMETHING? IKEA, MAN. THEY GOT SOME NICE LOOKING STUFF BUT IT JUST-

I DON’T THINK THAT BENDS LIKE-

HOO BOY! THAT’S IN SO MANY PIECES! AND THERE GOES THE LAMP! WOW, THAT’S EVERYWHERE. WHAT WAS IT, SAFETY GLASS? DON’T STEP THERE. YOU MIGHT GET-

OW! DAMN IT! THAT REALLY- OOOOOH, SHIT. CAN YOU SEW A PAINTING? BECAUSE IT’S JUST A STRAIGHT TEAR DOWN THE MIDDLE. THE FRAME’S STILL OKAY …

HEY GUYS. I JUST READ ABOUT THIS PLACE ON YELP AND I THOUGHT I’D COME BY AND CHECK IT OU-

UGH! THIS PLACE IS DONE.

OVER IT!

I HAVE TO GO ORGANIZE MY RECORDS.

THIS NEIGHBORHOOD USED TO BE SO REAL, MAN.

CHECK, PLEASE!

STACY! HOW ARE YOU, GIRLFRIEND? SORRY I HAVEN’T CALLED LATELY. I’VE BEEN “BUSY”. WINK, WINK.

HAVE YOU MET MARK? THIS IS MARK. HE’S MY MAIN SQUEEZE, AND HE FEELS LIKE PAVING STONES COVERED IN SUEDE. SAY HI, MARK.

WE’VE BEEN GOING OUT FOR LIKE … TWO MONTHS. I THINK HE’S THE ONE.

I BOUGHT HIM ON ETSY WHEN I WAS SHOPPING FOR SOME THROW PILLOWS. NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT, I GOT MY LAST THREE BOYFRIENDS ON ETSY. IT’S JUST SO MUCH EASIER THAN THE BAR SCENE, YOU KNOW? 

ARE YOU SERIOUS?

ARE YOU TOTALLY FOR SERIOUS RIGHT NOW?

BECAUSE NO. NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS.

YOU’RE LIKE … CAPTAIN CREEPSHOW, AND I AM A TOTAL BABE.

EYYYYYYYYYYYY! A-BAMBINO!

A-COME-A GIBBA YOU UNCLE MARINO A HUG-A!

I MISS-A YOU SO MUCH-A!

I MEAN IT, NATALIE. IF YOU KEEP SINGING IT I AM GOING TO JUMP OFF THIS FUCKING CLIFF.

… WELL, NOT JUMP, PER SE, BECAUSE I CAN’T REALLY DO THAT, BUT KIND OF FLING MYSELF- NO, CAN’T DO THAT EITHER. I’M GOING TO CRAWL DOWN THE SIDE OF THIS- DAMN IT! WHY IS THIS SO HARD?

♫♪ BEEZ IN THE TRAP, BEEZ, BEEZ IN THE TRAP. ♫♪

… DOES ANYONE HAVE ANY SALT?

CONGRATULATIONS. YOU ARE THE ONE BILLIONTH PERSON TO MAKE A “LARGE HARD-ON COLLIDER” JOKE ON TWITTER. YOU HAVE WON AN ALL ACCESS PASS TO SEVERAL ALTERNATE PLANES OF PERCEPTION. I AM UTAPU, GATEKEEPER OF THE HIDDEN REALMS. I BID YOU WELCOME. 

HEY, CHRISTINE. I HOPE THIS ISN’T TOO FORWARD OF ME, BUT I WAS WONDERING IF YOU’RE BUSY ON FRIDAY NIGHT. I HAVE TWO UH … TICKETS … TO …

I WOULD LOVE TO GO ON A DATE WITH YOU, CHAD. I WOULD ALSO LOVE IT IF WE COULD IGNORE AND THEN SUBSEQUENTLY FORGET THE FACT THAT I JUST PEED BECAUSE I GOT SO EXCITED. WHAT DO YOU HAVE TICKETS TO?

UH … IT’S, UH …

PLEASE STOP STARING AT MY PEE PUDDLE.

STEVE HOLT!