8:16 pm - Mon, Sep 10, 2012
1,110 notes
I HARDLY THINK I NEED TO EXPLAIN MY METICULOUSLY CURATED AND PATHOLOGICALLY THOROUGH GILMORE GIRLS FAN WEBSITE TO A PHILISTINE LIKE YOU.

I HARDLY THINK I NEED TO EXPLAIN MY METICULOUSLY CURATED AND PATHOLOGICALLY THOROUGH GILMORE GIRLS FAN WEBSITE TO A PHILISTINE LIKE YOU.

5:07 pm
2,175 notes
YOU THINK ALCOHOL’S A JOKE? YOU THINK IT’S JUST SOMETHING TO DO ON THE WEEKENDS? WELL IT ISN’T! YOU MARK MY WORDS!
I COULD HAVE BEEN ANYTHING, YOU KNOW? PRESIDENT, MAYBE. BUT I WAS ARROGANT, LIKE YOU. I THOUGHT I WAS IN CONTROL. I THOUGHT I’D HAVE A BOTTLE OR TWO OF BOONE’S FARM.
I WOKE UP IN ATLANTA, COVERED IN BLOOD! I HAVE TATTOOS IN PLACES I CAN’T REACH! I PUT OUT TWO SUCCESSFUL RAP MIXTAPES I DON’T REMEMBER MAKING! HALF OF MY TEETH ARE FAKE! WHERE ARE THE ORIGINAL TEETH? I DON’T KNOW!
YOU PUT DOWN THAT PINK POISON WHILE THERE’S STILL TIME, YOU HEAR ME? IT’S MISTAKE JUICE! IT’S THE DEVIL IN A BOTTLE!

YOU THINK ALCOHOL’S A JOKE? YOU THINK IT’S JUST SOMETHING TO DO ON THE WEEKENDS? WELL IT ISN’T! YOU MARK MY WORDS!

I COULD HAVE BEEN ANYTHING, YOU KNOW? PRESIDENT, MAYBE. BUT I WAS ARROGANT, LIKE YOU. I THOUGHT I WAS IN CONTROL. I THOUGHT I’D HAVE A BOTTLE OR TWO OF BOONE’S FARM.

I WOKE UP IN ATLANTA, COVERED IN BLOOD! I HAVE TATTOOS IN PLACES I CAN’T REACH! I PUT OUT TWO SUCCESSFUL RAP MIXTAPES I DON’T REMEMBER MAKING! HALF OF MY TEETH ARE FAKE! WHERE ARE THE ORIGINAL TEETH? I DON’T KNOW!

YOU PUT DOWN THAT PINK POISON WHILE THERE’S STILL TIME, YOU HEAR ME? IT’S MISTAKE JUICE! IT’S THE DEVIL IN A BOTTLE!

7:21 pm - Sat, Sep 8, 2012
2,973 notes
I’LL BE RIGHT BACK. I’M JUST GOING TO GO GRAB MY BIG BAG OF WALNUTS.
For what?
WELL, NOW THAT I FOUND SOMETHING TO CRACK THEM WITH I THOUGHT I MIGHT EAT THEM.

I’LL BE RIGHT BACK. I’M JUST GOING TO GO GRAB MY BIG BAG OF WALNUTS.

For what?

WELL, NOW THAT I FOUND SOMETHING TO CRACK THEM WITH I THOUGHT I MIGHT EAT THEM.

7:09 pm - Fri, Sep 7, 2012
1,868 notes
LOOKING GOOD, KEVIN! SUPER REBELLIOUS!
SHUT UP, MOM. I’M NOT FALLING FOR ANOTHER ONE OF YOUR REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY HEAD GAMES.
THAT RAT TAIL IS SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICK! EVERYBODY, COME LOOK AT HOW COUNTERCULTURE KEVIN IS!
YOU DON’T LIKE IT SO STOP PRETENDING.
YES, I DO! I THINK I MIGHT GROW ONE TOO! HEY, YOU WANT TO GO GET SOME TATTOOS AFTER SCHOOL?
YOU ARE THE ABSOLUTE WORST.

LOOKING GOOD, KEVIN! SUPER REBELLIOUS!

SHUT UP, MOM. I’M NOT FALLING FOR ANOTHER ONE OF YOUR REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY HEAD GAMES.

THAT RAT TAIL IS SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICK! EVERYBODY, COME LOOK AT HOW COUNTERCULTURE KEVIN IS!

YOU DON’T LIKE IT SO STOP PRETENDING.

YES, I DO! I THINK I MIGHT GROW ONE TOO! HEY, YOU WANT TO GO GET SOME TATTOOS AFTER SCHOOL?

YOU ARE THE ABSOLUTE WORST.

4:37 pm
3,031 notes
I COULD WRITE A TERRIBLE CONTEMPORARY ADULT EROTIC FICTION NOVEL IN THE TIME IT TAKES FOR THIS NAIL POLISH TO DRY.
NOT WITH WET NAILS, OBVIOUSLY, BUT YOU GET WHAT I’M SAYING.

I COULD WRITE A TERRIBLE CONTEMPORARY ADULT EROTIC FICTION NOVEL IN THE TIME IT TAKES FOR THIS NAIL POLISH TO DRY.

NOT WITH WET NAILS, OBVIOUSLY, BUT YOU GET WHAT I’M SAYING.

6:36 pm - Thu, Sep 6, 2012
1,190 notes
FUCK IT. I GIVE UP.
SOMEONE CALL INTO WORK FOR ME. BETWEEN THE HANGOVER AND THE HUMIDITY I’M BASICALLY USELESS.

FUCK IT. I GIVE UP.

SOMEONE CALL INTO WORK FOR ME. BETWEEN THE HANGOVER AND THE HUMIDITY I’M BASICALLY USELESS.

2:52 pm
1,162 notes
THERE YOU ARE, GARY.
I’VE BEEN TRYING TO CALL YOU BUT YOUR PHONE’S OFF.
AND LOOK, YOU’RE OUT WITH SHEILA. YOUR “FRIEND” FROM WORK.
THAT’S NICE. WHAT A NICE TIME YOU TWO MUST BE HAVING.
TELL ME, DO YOU AND SHEILA HAVE GOOD INSURANCE THROUGH WORK, GARY?

THERE YOU ARE, GARY.

I’VE BEEN TRYING TO CALL YOU BUT YOUR PHONE’S OFF.

AND LOOK, YOU’RE OUT WITH SHEILA. YOUR “FRIEND” FROM WORK.

THAT’S NICE. WHAT A NICE TIME YOU TWO MUST BE HAVING.

TELL ME, DO YOU AND SHEILA HAVE GOOD INSURANCE THROUGH WORK, GARY?

4:56 pm - Wed, Sep 5, 2012
1,091 notes
IN ASPECT YOU HAVE THE APPEARANCE OF FINE ONION SKIN, AND YOUR AROMAS OF FLESHY RED FRUITS, NOTES OF SPICE, AND MINERAL EARTHINESS LEAD TO A FULL, REFRESHING PALATE WITH DISTINCT HINTS OF STRAWBERRY AND BLACK PEPPER, AND A RICH, LINGERING FINISH.
Thank you. You’re so sweet. If you like me by myself you should try me paired with fish, seafood or mildly spicy Asian cuisine. I’m absolutely divine.
HOW CAN I DRINK YOU WHEN I LOVE YOU SO MUCH?
I’m no sculpture, to be admired from afar. Put me inside you. It’s all I want. 

IN ASPECT YOU HAVE THE APPEARANCE OF FINE ONION SKIN, AND YOUR AROMAS OF FLESHY RED FRUITS, NOTES OF SPICE, AND MINERAL EARTHINESS LEAD TO A FULL, REFRESHING PALATE WITH DISTINCT HINTS OF STRAWBERRY AND BLACK PEPPER, AND A RICH, LINGERING FINISH.

Thank you. You’re so sweet. If you like me by myself you should try me paired with fish, seafood or mildly spicy Asian cuisine. I’m absolutely divine.

HOW CAN I DRINK YOU WHEN I LOVE YOU SO MUCH?

I’m no sculpture, to be admired from afar. Put me inside you. It’s all I want. 

9:07 pm - Tue, Sep 4, 2012
1,140 notes
DO YOU EVER WORRY THAT YOUR POLITICAL BELIEFS ARE JUST A PREFABRICATED SHIELD THAT YOU CAN HOLD UP IN FRONT OF YOUR PRIVILEGE TO PROTECT IT FROM THE GRASPING, NEEDY HANDS OF THOSE YOU’VE IGNORED AND MARGINALIZED YOUR ENTIRE LIFE? A KIND OF ONE-SIZE-FITS-ALL IDEOLOGICAL GRAB BAG THAT ISN’T BASED ON LEGITIMATE DAY-TO-DAY LIVING?
ARE YOU ASKING IF I HAVE A BEVY OF EASILY REGURGITATED SOUNDBITES AND STUMP SPEECHES ABOUT A WIDE VARIETY OF PERCEIVED SOCIAL ILLS THAT I’VE NEITHER EXPERIENCED NOR SERIOUSLY RESEARCHED, THAT GIVE ME A WAY TO PRETEND I CARE ABOUT MAKING THINGS BETTER WITHOUT ACTUALLY HAVING TO SACRIFICE ANYTHING OR RISK MORE THAN FLEETING MENTAL DISCOMFORT? 
YES.
NO, NOT REALLY.
COOL, ME NEITHER.

DO YOU EVER WORRY THAT YOUR POLITICAL BELIEFS ARE JUST A PREFABRICATED SHIELD THAT YOU CAN HOLD UP IN FRONT OF YOUR PRIVILEGE TO PROTECT IT FROM THE GRASPING, NEEDY HANDS OF THOSE YOU’VE IGNORED AND MARGINALIZED YOUR ENTIRE LIFE? A KIND OF ONE-SIZE-FITS-ALL IDEOLOGICAL GRAB BAG THAT ISN’T BASED ON LEGITIMATE DAY-TO-DAY LIVING?

ARE YOU ASKING IF I HAVE A BEVY OF EASILY REGURGITATED SOUNDBITES AND STUMP SPEECHES ABOUT A WIDE VARIETY OF PERCEIVED SOCIAL ILLS THAT I’VE NEITHER EXPERIENCED NOR SERIOUSLY RESEARCHED, THAT GIVE ME A WAY TO PRETEND I CARE ABOUT MAKING THINGS BETTER WITHOUT ACTUALLY HAVING TO SACRIFICE ANYTHING OR RISK MORE THAN FLEETING MENTAL DISCOMFORT? 

YES.

NO, NOT REALLY.

COOL, ME NEITHER.

4:40 pm
2,811 notes
THE VERY NOTION THAT I AM NOT FABULOUS IS PREPOSTEROUS, AND I REFUSE TO EVEN ENTERTAIN IT.
KINDLY REMOVE YOURSELF FROM MY PRESENCE. MY PORES GET CLOGGED WHEN I’M FORCED TO SHARE AIR WITH DUNCES.

THE VERY NOTION THAT I AM NOT FABULOUS IS PREPOSTEROUS, AND I REFUSE TO EVEN ENTERTAIN IT.

KINDLY REMOVE YOURSELF FROM MY PRESENCE. MY PORES GET CLOGGED WHEN I’M FORCED TO SHARE AIR WITH DUNCES.

7:28 pm - Mon, Sep 3, 2012
1,348 notes
DID YOU GET NEW COLOGNE?
NOPE. SAME OLD STUFF.
MAYBE I’M JUST SMELLING YOUR … UH … PUNGENT … LOVE STINK.
… PLEASE DON’T TRY TO SAY SEXY THINGS.
I’M SORRY. THAT SOUNDED WAY BETTER IN MY HEAD. I MEANT THAT YOUR STINKY MUSK REALLY … GETS MY … PARTS … WIGGLING. NO. NOT WIGGLING-
PLEASE STOP.
YOUR AROMA MAKES ME … HINGY.
COME ON, THAT’S NOT EVEN A WORD.
I KNOW. I’M SO SORRY.

DID YOU GET NEW COLOGNE?

NOPE. SAME OLD STUFF.

MAYBE I’M JUST SMELLING YOUR … UH … PUNGENT … LOVE STINK.

… PLEASE DON’T TRY TO SAY SEXY THINGS.

I’M SORRY. THAT SOUNDED WAY BETTER IN MY HEAD. I MEANT THAT YOUR STINKY MUSK REALLY … GETS MY … PARTS … WIGGLING. NO. NOT WIGGLING-

PLEASE STOP.

YOUR AROMA MAKES ME … HINGY.

COME ON, THAT’S NOT EVEN A WORD.

I KNOW. I’M SO SORRY.

7:20 pm - Sun, Sep 2, 2012
2,095 notes
AND NOW AT LAST IT COMES. YOU WILL GIVE ME THE RING FREELY!
IN PLACE OF THE DARK LORD YOU WILL SET UP A QUEEN. AND I SHALL NOT BE DARK, BUT BEAUTIFUL AND TERRIBLE AS THE MORNING AND THE NIGHT! FAIR AS THE SEA AND THE SUN AND THE SNOW UPON THE MOUNTAIN! DREADFUL AS THE STORM AND THE LIGHTNING! STRONGER THAN THE FOUNDATIONS OF THE EARTH. 
ALL SHALL LOVE ME, AND DESPAIR!

AND NOW AT LAST IT COMES. YOU WILL GIVE ME THE RING FREELY!

IN PLACE OF THE DARK LORD YOU WILL SET UP A QUEEN. AND I SHALL NOT BE DARK, BUT BEAUTIFUL AND TERRIBLE AS THE MORNING AND THE NIGHT! FAIR AS THE SEA AND THE SUN AND THE SNOW UPON THE MOUNTAIN! DREADFUL AS THE STORM AND THE LIGHTNING! STRONGER THAN THE FOUNDATIONS OF THE EARTH. 

ALL SHALL LOVE ME, AND DESPAIR!

5:15 pm - Sat, Sep 1, 2012
1,353 notes
BASICALLY I COOKED PENNE UNTIL IT WAS AL DENTE, FILLED IT WITH PRETZEL STICKS, THEN BAKED IT INSIDE SOURDOUGH ROLLS. IT’S AMAZING.
ARE YOU CARB LOADING FOR A MARATHON?
NO, JUST FOR HAPPINESS.

BASICALLY I COOKED PENNE UNTIL IT WAS AL DENTE, FILLED IT WITH PRETZEL STICKS, THEN BAKED IT INSIDE SOURDOUGH ROLLS. IT’S AMAZING.

ARE YOU CARB LOADING FOR A MARATHON?

NO, JUST FOR HAPPINESS.

7:39 am
1,288 notes
HEY PAUL. HOW’S IT HANGING?
PRETTY GOOD, PETE. YOURSELF?
NOT GONNA LIE TO YOU, OLD BUDDY. I’M ABOUT ONE MORE 60 HOUR WEEK FROM NIBBLING ON A SHOTGUN, AND I WANT TO GET DRUNK ABOUT IT.
WELL, I’VE GOT OVER 60 DIFFERENT TYPES OF BOURBON BACK HERE, PETE. YOU’RE WELCOME TO TRY THEM ALL. I HAVE YET TO MEET A PROBLEM WHISKEY CAN’T SOLVE.
YOUR EX-WIFE AGREE WITH THAT OUTLOOK?
YOU MEAN MY EX-PROBLEM, THAT’S NOW SOLVED?
YOU’RE A GOOD BARTENDER, PAUL. IT’S NOT JUST ABOUT POURING DRINKS. THERE’S A PHILOSOPHICAL ASPECT, PLUS A GOOD DEGREE OF COMMUNICATION SKILLS.
YOU WANT TO COMMUNICATE WITH A COUPLE OUNCES OF BASIL HAYDEN’S?
SEE? THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT.

HEY PAUL. HOW’S IT HANGING?

PRETTY GOOD, PETE. YOURSELF?

NOT GONNA LIE TO YOU, OLD BUDDY. I’M ABOUT ONE MORE 60 HOUR WEEK FROM NIBBLING ON A SHOTGUN, AND I WANT TO GET DRUNK ABOUT IT.

WELL, I’VE GOT OVER 60 DIFFERENT TYPES OF BOURBON BACK HERE, PETE. YOU’RE WELCOME TO TRY THEM ALL. I HAVE YET TO MEET A PROBLEM WHISKEY CAN’T SOLVE.

YOUR EX-WIFE AGREE WITH THAT OUTLOOK?

YOU MEAN MY EX-PROBLEM, THAT’S NOW SOLVED?

YOU’RE A GOOD BARTENDER, PAUL. IT’S NOT JUST ABOUT POURING DRINKS. THERE’S A PHILOSOPHICAL ASPECT, PLUS A GOOD DEGREE OF COMMUNICATION SKILLS.

YOU WANT TO COMMUNICATE WITH A COUPLE OUNCES OF BASIL HAYDEN’S?

SEE? THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT.

4:25 pm - Fri, Aug 31, 2012
2,034 notes
YOU THINK I GIVE A SLIPPERY SHIT ABOUT ‘TODAY’S YOUTH’? RUNNIN’ AROUND WITH THEIR SPACE BEEPERS, GOOGLING EACH OTHER OR WHATEVER IT IS THEY DO? 
BUNCH OF PISH. BACK IN MY DAY WE DIDN’T HAVE ZIMA XXX OR PISSED OFF BIRDS OR ANY OF THAT CRAP. I SWAM UPSTREAM, BOTH WAYS, JUST TO GO TO WORK FOR NINE HOURS. NOW THEY JUST SIT AT HOME AND BLOG ABOUT HOW HARD THEY GOT IT. ONLY THING HARD ABOUT LIVING IN THIS DAY AND AGE IS SITTING THROUGH FIVE MINUTES OF THAT GARBAGE THEY CALL MUSIC. 
"GRANDPA, HAVE YOU HEARD THE NEW LADY GOGGLES SONG?"
"GRANDPA, DO YOU LIKE NANCY MINAJ?"
IT’S ALL JUST NOISE. HORRIBLE NOISE.

YOU THINK I GIVE A SLIPPERY SHIT ABOUT ‘TODAY’S YOUTH’? RUNNIN’ AROUND WITH THEIR SPACE BEEPERS, GOOGLING EACH OTHER OR WHATEVER IT IS THEY DO? 

BUNCH OF PISH. BACK IN MY DAY WE DIDN’T HAVE ZIMA XXX OR PISSED OFF BIRDS OR ANY OF THAT CRAP. I SWAM UPSTREAM, BOTH WAYS, JUST TO GO TO WORK FOR NINE HOURS. NOW THEY JUST SIT AT HOME AND BLOG ABOUT HOW HARD THEY GOT IT. ONLY THING HARD ABOUT LIVING IN THIS DAY AND AGE IS SITTING THROUGH FIVE MINUTES OF THAT GARBAGE THEY CALL MUSIC. 

"GRANDPA, HAVE YOU HEARD THE NEW LADY GOGGLES SONG?"

"GRANDPA, DO YOU LIKE NANCY MINAJ?"

IT’S ALL JUST NOISE. HORRIBLE NOISE.

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