4:56 pm - Wed, Sep 5, 2012
1,091 notes
IN ASPECT YOU HAVE THE APPEARANCE OF FINE ONION SKIN, AND YOUR AROMAS OF FLESHY RED FRUITS, NOTES OF SPICE, AND MINERAL EARTHINESS LEAD TO A FULL, REFRESHING PALATE WITH DISTINCT HINTS OF STRAWBERRY AND BLACK PEPPER, AND A RICH, LINGERING FINISH.
Thank you. You’re so sweet. If you like me by myself you should try me paired with fish, seafood or mildly spicy Asian cuisine. I’m absolutely divine.
HOW CAN I DRINK YOU WHEN I LOVE YOU SO MUCH?
I’m no sculpture, to be admired from afar. Put me inside you. It’s all I want. 

IN ASPECT YOU HAVE THE APPEARANCE OF FINE ONION SKIN, AND YOUR AROMAS OF FLESHY RED FRUITS, NOTES OF SPICE, AND MINERAL EARTHINESS LEAD TO A FULL, REFRESHING PALATE WITH DISTINCT HINTS OF STRAWBERRY AND BLACK PEPPER, AND A RICH, LINGERING FINISH.

Thank you. You’re so sweet. If you like me by myself you should try me paired with fish, seafood or mildly spicy Asian cuisine. I’m absolutely divine.

HOW CAN I DRINK YOU WHEN I LOVE YOU SO MUCH?

I’m no sculpture, to be admired from afar. Put me inside you. It’s all I want. 

9:07 pm - Tue, Sep 4, 2012
1,139 notes
DO YOU EVER WORRY THAT YOUR POLITICAL BELIEFS ARE JUST A PREFABRICATED SHIELD THAT YOU CAN HOLD UP IN FRONT OF YOUR PRIVILEGE TO PROTECT IT FROM THE GRASPING, NEEDY HANDS OF THOSE YOU’VE IGNORED AND MARGINALIZED YOUR ENTIRE LIFE? A KIND OF ONE-SIZE-FITS-ALL IDEOLOGICAL GRAB BAG THAT ISN’T BASED ON LEGITIMATE DAY-TO-DAY LIVING?
ARE YOU ASKING IF I HAVE A BEVY OF EASILY REGURGITATED SOUNDBITES AND STUMP SPEECHES ABOUT A WIDE VARIETY OF PERCEIVED SOCIAL ILLS THAT I’VE NEITHER EXPERIENCED NOR SERIOUSLY RESEARCHED, THAT GIVE ME A WAY TO PRETEND I CARE ABOUT MAKING THINGS BETTER WITHOUT ACTUALLY HAVING TO SACRIFICE ANYTHING OR RISK MORE THAN FLEETING MENTAL DISCOMFORT? 
YES.
NO, NOT REALLY.
COOL, ME NEITHER.

DO YOU EVER WORRY THAT YOUR POLITICAL BELIEFS ARE JUST A PREFABRICATED SHIELD THAT YOU CAN HOLD UP IN FRONT OF YOUR PRIVILEGE TO PROTECT IT FROM THE GRASPING, NEEDY HANDS OF THOSE YOU’VE IGNORED AND MARGINALIZED YOUR ENTIRE LIFE? A KIND OF ONE-SIZE-FITS-ALL IDEOLOGICAL GRAB BAG THAT ISN’T BASED ON LEGITIMATE DAY-TO-DAY LIVING?

ARE YOU ASKING IF I HAVE A BEVY OF EASILY REGURGITATED SOUNDBITES AND STUMP SPEECHES ABOUT A WIDE VARIETY OF PERCEIVED SOCIAL ILLS THAT I’VE NEITHER EXPERIENCED NOR SERIOUSLY RESEARCHED, THAT GIVE ME A WAY TO PRETEND I CARE ABOUT MAKING THINGS BETTER WITHOUT ACTUALLY HAVING TO SACRIFICE ANYTHING OR RISK MORE THAN FLEETING MENTAL DISCOMFORT? 

YES.

NO, NOT REALLY.

COOL, ME NEITHER.

4:40 pm
2,807 notes
THE VERY NOTION THAT I AM NOT FABULOUS IS PREPOSTEROUS, AND I REFUSE TO EVEN ENTERTAIN IT.
KINDLY REMOVE YOURSELF FROM MY PRESENCE. MY PORES GET CLOGGED WHEN I’M FORCED TO SHARE AIR WITH DUNCES.

THE VERY NOTION THAT I AM NOT FABULOUS IS PREPOSTEROUS, AND I REFUSE TO EVEN ENTERTAIN IT.

KINDLY REMOVE YOURSELF FROM MY PRESENCE. MY PORES GET CLOGGED WHEN I’M FORCED TO SHARE AIR WITH DUNCES.

7:28 pm - Mon, Sep 3, 2012
1,346 notes
DID YOU GET NEW COLOGNE?
NOPE. SAME OLD STUFF.
MAYBE I’M JUST SMELLING YOUR … UH … PUNGENT … LOVE STINK.
… PLEASE DON’T TRY TO SAY SEXY THINGS.
I’M SORRY. THAT SOUNDED WAY BETTER IN MY HEAD. I MEANT THAT YOUR STINKY MUSK REALLY … GETS MY … PARTS … WIGGLING. NO. NOT WIGGLING-
PLEASE STOP.
YOUR AROMA MAKES ME … HINGY.
COME ON, THAT’S NOT EVEN A WORD.
I KNOW. I’M SO SORRY.

DID YOU GET NEW COLOGNE?

NOPE. SAME OLD STUFF.

MAYBE I’M JUST SMELLING YOUR … UH … PUNGENT … LOVE STINK.

… PLEASE DON’T TRY TO SAY SEXY THINGS.

I’M SORRY. THAT SOUNDED WAY BETTER IN MY HEAD. I MEANT THAT YOUR STINKY MUSK REALLY … GETS MY … PARTS … WIGGLING. NO. NOT WIGGLING-

PLEASE STOP.

YOUR AROMA MAKES ME … HINGY.

COME ON, THAT’S NOT EVEN A WORD.

I KNOW. I’M SO SORRY.

7:20 pm - Sun, Sep 2, 2012
2,089 notes
AND NOW AT LAST IT COMES. YOU WILL GIVE ME THE RING FREELY!
IN PLACE OF THE DARK LORD YOU WILL SET UP A QUEEN. AND I SHALL NOT BE DARK, BUT BEAUTIFUL AND TERRIBLE AS THE MORNING AND THE NIGHT! FAIR AS THE SEA AND THE SUN AND THE SNOW UPON THE MOUNTAIN! DREADFUL AS THE STORM AND THE LIGHTNING! STRONGER THAN THE FOUNDATIONS OF THE EARTH. 
ALL SHALL LOVE ME, AND DESPAIR!

AND NOW AT LAST IT COMES. YOU WILL GIVE ME THE RING FREELY!

IN PLACE OF THE DARK LORD YOU WILL SET UP A QUEEN. AND I SHALL NOT BE DARK, BUT BEAUTIFUL AND TERRIBLE AS THE MORNING AND THE NIGHT! FAIR AS THE SEA AND THE SUN AND THE SNOW UPON THE MOUNTAIN! DREADFUL AS THE STORM AND THE LIGHTNING! STRONGER THAN THE FOUNDATIONS OF THE EARTH. 

ALL SHALL LOVE ME, AND DESPAIR!

5:15 pm - Sat, Sep 1, 2012
1,352 notes
BASICALLY I COOKED PENNE UNTIL IT WAS AL DENTE, FILLED IT WITH PRETZEL STICKS, THEN BAKED IT INSIDE SOURDOUGH ROLLS. IT’S AMAZING.
ARE YOU CARB LOADING FOR A MARATHON?
NO, JUST FOR HAPPINESS.

BASICALLY I COOKED PENNE UNTIL IT WAS AL DENTE, FILLED IT WITH PRETZEL STICKS, THEN BAKED IT INSIDE SOURDOUGH ROLLS. IT’S AMAZING.

ARE YOU CARB LOADING FOR A MARATHON?

NO, JUST FOR HAPPINESS.

7:39 am
1,288 notes
HEY PAUL. HOW’S IT HANGING?
PRETTY GOOD, PETE. YOURSELF?
NOT GONNA LIE TO YOU, OLD BUDDY. I’M ABOUT ONE MORE 60 HOUR WEEK FROM NIBBLING ON A SHOTGUN, AND I WANT TO GET DRUNK ABOUT IT.
WELL, I’VE GOT OVER 60 DIFFERENT TYPES OF BOURBON BACK HERE, PETE. YOU’RE WELCOME TO TRY THEM ALL. I HAVE YET TO MEET A PROBLEM WHISKEY CAN’T SOLVE.
YOUR EX-WIFE AGREE WITH THAT OUTLOOK?
YOU MEAN MY EX-PROBLEM, THAT’S NOW SOLVED?
YOU’RE A GOOD BARTENDER, PAUL. IT’S NOT JUST ABOUT POURING DRINKS. THERE’S A PHILOSOPHICAL ASPECT, PLUS A GOOD DEGREE OF COMMUNICATION SKILLS.
YOU WANT TO COMMUNICATE WITH A COUPLE OUNCES OF BASIL HAYDEN’S?
SEE? THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT.

HEY PAUL. HOW’S IT HANGING?

PRETTY GOOD, PETE. YOURSELF?

NOT GONNA LIE TO YOU, OLD BUDDY. I’M ABOUT ONE MORE 60 HOUR WEEK FROM NIBBLING ON A SHOTGUN, AND I WANT TO GET DRUNK ABOUT IT.

WELL, I’VE GOT OVER 60 DIFFERENT TYPES OF BOURBON BACK HERE, PETE. YOU’RE WELCOME TO TRY THEM ALL. I HAVE YET TO MEET A PROBLEM WHISKEY CAN’T SOLVE.

YOUR EX-WIFE AGREE WITH THAT OUTLOOK?

YOU MEAN MY EX-PROBLEM, THAT’S NOW SOLVED?

YOU’RE A GOOD BARTENDER, PAUL. IT’S NOT JUST ABOUT POURING DRINKS. THERE’S A PHILOSOPHICAL ASPECT, PLUS A GOOD DEGREE OF COMMUNICATION SKILLS.

YOU WANT TO COMMUNICATE WITH A COUPLE OUNCES OF BASIL HAYDEN’S?

SEE? THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT.

4:25 pm - Fri, Aug 31, 2012
2,032 notes
YOU THINK I GIVE A SLIPPERY SHIT ABOUT ‘TODAY’S YOUTH’? RUNNIN’ AROUND WITH THEIR SPACE BEEPERS, GOOGLING EACH OTHER OR WHATEVER IT IS THEY DO? 
BUNCH OF PISH. BACK IN MY DAY WE DIDN’T HAVE ZIMA XXX OR PISSED OFF BIRDS OR ANY OF THAT CRAP. I SWAM UPSTREAM, BOTH WAYS, JUST TO GO TO WORK FOR NINE HOURS. NOW THEY JUST SIT AT HOME AND BLOG ABOUT HOW HARD THEY GOT IT. ONLY THING HARD ABOUT LIVING IN THIS DAY AND AGE IS SITTING THROUGH FIVE MINUTES OF THAT GARBAGE THEY CALL MUSIC. 
"GRANDPA, HAVE YOU HEARD THE NEW LADY GOGGLES SONG?"
"GRANDPA, DO YOU LIKE NANCY MINAJ?"
IT’S ALL JUST NOISE. HORRIBLE NOISE.

YOU THINK I GIVE A SLIPPERY SHIT ABOUT ‘TODAY’S YOUTH’? RUNNIN’ AROUND WITH THEIR SPACE BEEPERS, GOOGLING EACH OTHER OR WHATEVER IT IS THEY DO? 

BUNCH OF PISH. BACK IN MY DAY WE DIDN’T HAVE ZIMA XXX OR PISSED OFF BIRDS OR ANY OF THAT CRAP. I SWAM UPSTREAM, BOTH WAYS, JUST TO GO TO WORK FOR NINE HOURS. NOW THEY JUST SIT AT HOME AND BLOG ABOUT HOW HARD THEY GOT IT. ONLY THING HARD ABOUT LIVING IN THIS DAY AND AGE IS SITTING THROUGH FIVE MINUTES OF THAT GARBAGE THEY CALL MUSIC. 

"GRANDPA, HAVE YOU HEARD THE NEW LADY GOGGLES SONG?"

"GRANDPA, DO YOU LIKE NANCY MINAJ?"

IT’S ALL JUST NOISE. HORRIBLE NOISE.

7:09 pm - Thu, Aug 30, 2012
1,316 notes
GOD, DON’T YOU THINK IT’S TIME YOU ADDRESSED YOUR CREATIONS DIRECTLY? UPDATED YOUR LAWS AND COMMANDMENTS AND CLEARED UP ANY MISINTERPRETATIONS? THINGS ARE PRETTY BAD DOWN HERE.
I was going to, but I can’t get verified on Twitter because I forgot My old hotmail password. 
CAN’T YOU JUST SHOW UP IN THE SKY OR SOMETHING? BIG PYROTECHNICS DISPLAY, AMPLIFIED VOICE, ETC?
That doesn’t mean anything anymore. I just went to go see hologram Tupac on tour. It’s the same thing.
SHIT, YOU’RE RIGHT. WE’VE GOT TO GET YOU VERIFIED.
That’s what I’ve been saying.

GOD, DON’T YOU THINK IT’S TIME YOU ADDRESSED YOUR CREATIONS DIRECTLY? UPDATED YOUR LAWS AND COMMANDMENTS AND CLEARED UP ANY MISINTERPRETATIONS? THINGS ARE PRETTY BAD DOWN HERE.

I was going to, but I can’t get verified on Twitter because I forgot My old hotmail password. 

CAN’T YOU JUST SHOW UP IN THE SKY OR SOMETHING? BIG PYROTECHNICS DISPLAY, AMPLIFIED VOICE, ETC?

That doesn’t mean anything anymore. I just went to go see hologram Tupac on tour. It’s the same thing.

SHIT, YOU’RE RIGHT. WE’VE GOT TO GET YOU VERIFIED.

That’s what I’ve been saying.

4:04 pm
1,493 notes
WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT YOUR PORNOGRAPHY COLLECTION.
LOOK, YOU KNOW I’M NOT JUDGING YOU. ANYTHING YOU’RE INTO IS COOL. I JUST WANT TO MAKE SURE ‘SHIPPING’ PEOPLE IS SAFE, AND THAT YOU HAVE A GOOD EDITOR.

WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT YOUR PORNOGRAPHY COLLECTION.

LOOK, YOU KNOW I’M NOT JUDGING YOU. ANYTHING YOU’RE INTO IS COOL. I JUST WANT TO MAKE SURE ‘SHIPPING’ PEOPLE IS SAFE, AND THAT YOU HAVE A GOOD EDITOR.

3:32 am
369 notes

Apologies.

I am in Glasgow (which is in Scotland) and a wee bit jetlagged and bleary-eyed. 

On the plus side, I am in Glasgow (which is in Scotland).

Wildlife will return as soon as my internal compass/clock/garbage disposal adjust to this side of the ocean.

Also, if you live in Glasgow, The Shivers are playing at Stereo tonight (Thursday) and they are the best band in the world, so come on down and see them with me. 

Suggestions for cafés/bars with good internet connections that I can spend a couple hours a day doing ATIAC stuff in for the next two weeks would also be appreciated. My wife’s internet is garbage, plus there isn’t a lot of coffee in her flat. Just tea, and me.

If anyone just wants to come over for lunch or beers or whatever, let me know. 

I hope you are having a good day, and that all your test results come back negative.

I like your shoes too. Those are nice shoes.

xoxox,

Justin V.

4:20 pm - Tue, Aug 28, 2012
800 notes
NOW, Y’ALL HAVE KNOWN ME FOR A WHILE, AND FOR A LONG TIME NOW YOU’VE BEEN HEARING ME TALK ABOUT BEING PERFECT.
WELL, I WANT YOU TO UNDERSTAND SOMETHING. TO ME, BEING PERFECT IS NOT ABOUT THAT SCOREBOARD OUT THERE. IT’S NOT ABOUT WINNING. IT’S ABOUT YOU AND YOUR RELATIONSHIP TO YOUR FAMILY AND YOUR FRIENDS. BEING PERFECT IS ABOUT BEING ABLE TO LOOK YOUR FRIENDS IN THE EYE AND KNOW THAT YOU DIDN’T LET THEM DOWN BECAUSE YOU TOLD THEM THE TRUTH. AND THAT TRUTH IS THAT YOU DID EVERYTHING THAT YOU COULD. THERE WASN’T ONE MORE THING YOU COULD HAVE DONE.
CAN YOU LIVE IN THAT MOMENT AS BEST YOU CAN, WITH CLEAR EYES AND LOVE IN YOUR HEART? WITH JOY IN YOUR HEART?
IF YOU CAN DO THAT, GENTLEMEN, THEN YOU’RE PERFECT.

NOW, Y’ALL HAVE KNOWN ME FOR A WHILE, AND FOR A LONG TIME NOW YOU’VE BEEN HEARING ME TALK ABOUT BEING PERFECT.

WELL, I WANT YOU TO UNDERSTAND SOMETHING. TO ME, BEING PERFECT IS NOT ABOUT THAT SCOREBOARD OUT THERE. IT’S NOT ABOUT WINNING. IT’S ABOUT YOU AND YOUR RELATIONSHIP TO YOUR FAMILY AND YOUR FRIENDS. BEING PERFECT IS ABOUT BEING ABLE TO LOOK YOUR FRIENDS IN THE EYE AND KNOW THAT YOU DIDN’T LET THEM DOWN BECAUSE YOU TOLD THEM THE TRUTH. AND THAT TRUTH IS THAT YOU DID EVERYTHING THAT YOU COULD. THERE WASN’T ONE MORE THING YOU COULD HAVE DONE.

CAN YOU LIVE IN THAT MOMENT AS BEST YOU CAN, WITH CLEAR EYES AND LOVE IN YOUR HEART? WITH JOY IN YOUR HEART?

IF YOU CAN DO THAT, GENTLEMEN, THEN YOU’RE PERFECT.

9:41 pm - Mon, Aug 27, 2012
4,345 notes
DID YOU USE MY RAZOR?
DON’T ANSWER. I KNOW YOU USED MY RAZOR. I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHY, AND ON WHAT.

DID YOU USE MY RAZOR?

DON’T ANSWER. I KNOW YOU USED MY RAZOR. I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHY, AND ON WHAT.

10:33 pm - Sun, Aug 26, 2012
1,970 notes
I’M NOT POUTING AND I’M NOT BEING WEIRD. I SIMPLY DON’T SEE THE POINT OF PRETENDING TO ENJOY LIFE WHILE GAME OF THRONES ISN’T ON TV.

I’M NOT POUTING AND I’M NOT BEING WEIRD. I SIMPLY DON’T SEE THE POINT OF PRETENDING TO ENJOY LIFE WHILE GAME OF THRONES ISN’T ON TV.

6:44 pm - Sat, Aug 25, 2012
2,125 notes
AND THAT IS MY ONLY COMMANDMENT, THAT YOU LOVE ONE ANOTHER AND REFRAIN FROM PETTY INFIGHTING AND RESIST THE TEMPTATION TO LET RELATIVE ANONYMITY MAKE YOU UNREASONABLY AND INEXPLICABLY CRUEL.
"You’re not the real God. You suck." -tumblr user ButtPoop666
I AM NOT THE CHRISTIAN GOD, BUTTPOOP666. I AM THE GOD OF THE INTERNET, MEOWEH.
Ur ugly & nobody lieks u! -@IHATEFATCHICKS99
WAIT, STOP. I AM BENEVOLENT AND KIND. AND FUZZY.
STUPID CAT GOD WANTS TO END SNARK. IS THE AARON SORKIN OF HEAVEN. -Gawker
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? I AM A FORCE OF LOVE AND KINDNESS, WITH ADORABLE LITTLE PAWS AND BIG-
"Y U No hav a boyfran?"
OH FUCK YOU.

AND THAT IS MY ONLY COMMANDMENT, THAT YOU LOVE ONE ANOTHER AND REFRAIN FROM PETTY INFIGHTING AND RESIST THE TEMPTATION TO LET RELATIVE ANONYMITY MAKE YOU UNREASONABLY AND INEXPLICABLY CRUEL.

"You’re not the real God. You suck." -tumblr user ButtPoop666

I AM NOT THE CHRISTIAN GOD, BUTTPOOP666. I AM THE GOD OF THE INTERNET, MEOWEH.

Ur ugly & nobody lieks u! -@IHATEFATCHICKS99

WAIT, STOP. I AM BENEVOLENT AND KIND. AND FUZZY.

STUPID CAT GOD WANTS TO END SNARK. IS THE AARON SORKIN OF HEAVEN. -Gawker

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? I AM A FORCE OF LOVE AND KINDNESS, WITH ADORABLE LITTLE PAWS AND BIG-

"Y U No hav a boyfran?"

OH FUCK YOU.

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