- 7:20 pm - Sun, Sep 2, 2012
- 2,095 notes
AND NOW AT LAST IT COMES. YOU WILL GIVE ME THE RING FREELY!
IN PLACE OF THE DARK LORD YOU WILL SET UP A QUEEN. AND I SHALL NOT BE DARK, BUT BEAUTIFUL AND TERRIBLE AS THE MORNING AND THE NIGHT! FAIR AS THE SEA AND THE SUN AND THE SNOW UPON THE MOUNTAIN! DREADFUL AS THE STORM AND THE LIGHTNING! STRONGER THAN THE FOUNDATIONS OF THE EARTH.
ALL SHALL LOVE ME, AND DESPAIR!
- 5:15 pm - Sat, Sep 1, 2012
- 1,353 notes
BASICALLY I COOKED PENNE UNTIL IT WAS AL DENTE, FILLED IT WITH PRETZEL STICKS, THEN BAKED IT INSIDE SOURDOUGH ROLLS. IT’S AMAZING.
ARE YOU CARB LOADING FOR A MARATHON?
NO, JUST FOR HAPPINESS.
- 7:39 am
- 1,288 notes
HEY PAUL. HOW’S IT HANGING?
PRETTY GOOD, PETE. YOURSELF?
NOT GONNA LIE TO YOU, OLD BUDDY. I’M ABOUT ONE MORE 60 HOUR WEEK FROM NIBBLING ON A SHOTGUN, AND I WANT TO GET DRUNK ABOUT IT.
WELL, I’VE GOT OVER 60 DIFFERENT TYPES OF BOURBON BACK HERE, PETE. YOU’RE WELCOME TO TRY THEM ALL. I HAVE YET TO MEET A PROBLEM WHISKEY CAN’T SOLVE.
YOUR EX-WIFE AGREE WITH THAT OUTLOOK?
YOU MEAN MY EX-PROBLEM, THAT’S NOW SOLVED?
YOU’RE A GOOD BARTENDER, PAUL. IT’S NOT JUST ABOUT POURING DRINKS. THERE’S A PHILOSOPHICAL ASPECT, PLUS A GOOD DEGREE OF COMMUNICATION SKILLS.
YOU WANT TO COMMUNICATE WITH A COUPLE OUNCES OF BASIL HAYDEN’S?
SEE? THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT.
- 4:25 pm - Fri, Aug 31, 2012
- 2,034 notes
YOU THINK I GIVE A SLIPPERY SHIT ABOUT ‘TODAY’S YOUTH’? RUNNIN’ AROUND WITH THEIR SPACE BEEPERS, GOOGLING EACH OTHER OR WHATEVER IT IS THEY DO?
BUNCH OF PISH. BACK IN MY DAY WE DIDN’T HAVE ZIMA XXX OR PISSED OFF BIRDS OR ANY OF THAT CRAP. I SWAM UPSTREAM, BOTH WAYS, JUST TO GO TO WORK FOR NINE HOURS. NOW THEY JUST SIT AT HOME AND BLOG ABOUT HOW HARD THEY GOT IT. ONLY THING HARD ABOUT LIVING IN THIS DAY AND AGE IS SITTING THROUGH FIVE MINUTES OF THAT GARBAGE THEY CALL MUSIC.
"GRANDPA, HAVE YOU HEARD THE NEW LADY GOGGLES SONG?"
"GRANDPA, DO YOU LIKE NANCY MINAJ?"
IT’S ALL JUST NOISE. HORRIBLE NOISE.
- 7:09 pm - Thu, Aug 30, 2012
- 1,317 notes
GOD, DON’T YOU THINK IT’S TIME YOU ADDRESSED YOUR CREATIONS DIRECTLY? UPDATED YOUR LAWS AND COMMANDMENTS AND CLEARED UP ANY MISINTERPRETATIONS? THINGS ARE PRETTY BAD DOWN HERE.
I was going to, but I can’t get verified on Twitter because I forgot My old hotmail password.
CAN’T YOU JUST SHOW UP IN THE SKY OR SOMETHING? BIG PYROTECHNICS DISPLAY, AMPLIFIED VOICE, ETC?
That doesn’t mean anything anymore. I just went to go see hologram Tupac on tour. It’s the same thing.
SHIT, YOU’RE RIGHT. WE’VE GOT TO GET YOU VERIFIED.
That’s what I’ve been saying.
- 4:04 pm
- 1,493 notes
WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT YOUR PORNOGRAPHY COLLECTION.
LOOK, YOU KNOW I’M NOT JUDGING YOU. ANYTHING YOU’RE INTO IS COOL. I JUST WANT TO MAKE SURE ‘SHIPPING’ PEOPLE IS SAFE, AND THAT YOU HAVE A GOOD EDITOR.
- 3:32 am
- 370 notes
I am in Glasgow (which is in Scotland) and a wee bit jetlagged and bleary-eyed.
On the plus side, I am in Glasgow (which is in Scotland).
Wildlife will return as soon as my internal compass/clock/garbage disposal adjust to this side of the ocean.
Also, if you live in Glasgow, The Shivers are playing at Stereo tonight (Thursday) and they are the best band in the world, so come on down and see them with me.
Suggestions for cafés/bars with good internet connections that I can spend a couple hours a day doing ATIAC stuff in for the next two weeks would also be appreciated. My wife’s internet is garbage, plus there isn’t a lot of coffee in her flat. Just tea, and me.
If anyone just wants to come over for lunch or beers or whatever, let me know.
I hope you are having a good day, and that all your test results come back negative.
I like your shoes too. Those are nice shoes.
- 4:20 pm - Tue, Aug 28, 2012
- 800 notes
NOW, Y’ALL HAVE KNOWN ME FOR A WHILE, AND FOR A LONG TIME NOW YOU’VE BEEN HEARING ME TALK ABOUT BEING PERFECT.
WELL, I WANT YOU TO UNDERSTAND SOMETHING. TO ME, BEING PERFECT IS NOT ABOUT THAT SCOREBOARD OUT THERE. IT’S NOT ABOUT WINNING. IT’S ABOUT YOU AND YOUR RELATIONSHIP TO YOUR FAMILY AND YOUR FRIENDS. BEING PERFECT IS ABOUT BEING ABLE TO LOOK YOUR FRIENDS IN THE EYE AND KNOW THAT YOU DIDN’T LET THEM DOWN BECAUSE YOU TOLD THEM THE TRUTH. AND THAT TRUTH IS THAT YOU DID EVERYTHING THAT YOU COULD. THERE WASN’T ONE MORE THING YOU COULD HAVE DONE.
CAN YOU LIVE IN THAT MOMENT AS BEST YOU CAN, WITH CLEAR EYES AND LOVE IN YOUR HEART? WITH JOY IN YOUR HEART?
IF YOU CAN DO THAT, GENTLEMEN, THEN YOU’RE PERFECT.
- 9:41 pm - Mon, Aug 27, 2012
- 4,350 notes
DID YOU USE MY RAZOR?
DON’T ANSWER. I KNOW YOU USED MY RAZOR. I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHY, AND ON WHAT.
- 10:33 pm - Sun, Aug 26, 2012
- 1,972 notes
I’M NOT POUTING AND I’M NOT BEING WEIRD. I SIMPLY DON’T SEE THE POINT OF PRETENDING TO ENJOY LIFE WHILE GAME OF THRONES ISN’T ON TV.
- 6:44 pm - Sat, Aug 25, 2012
- 2,127 notes
AND THAT IS MY ONLY COMMANDMENT, THAT YOU LOVE ONE ANOTHER AND REFRAIN FROM PETTY INFIGHTING AND RESIST THE TEMPTATION TO LET RELATIVE ANONYMITY MAKE YOU UNREASONABLY AND INEXPLICABLY CRUEL.
"You’re not the real God. You suck." -tumblr user ButtPoop666
I AM NOT THE CHRISTIAN GOD, BUTTPOOP666. I AM THE GOD OF THE INTERNET, MEOWEH.
Ur ugly & nobody lieks u! -@IHATEFATCHICKS99
WAIT, STOP. I AM BENEVOLENT AND KIND. AND FUZZY.
STUPID CAT GOD WANTS TO END SNARK. IS THE AARON SORKIN OF HEAVEN. -Gawker
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? I AM A FORCE OF LOVE AND KINDNESS, WITH ADORABLE LITTLE PAWS AND BIG-
"Y U No hav a boyfran?"
OH FUCK YOU.
- 8:38 pm - Fri, Aug 24, 2012
- 1,056 notes
HAVE YOU GUYS EVER HAD BRUNCH? IT’S AWESOME. IT’S LIKE A COMBINATION OF BREAKFAST AND LUNCH, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF EATING YOU JUST POUND MIMOSAS AND BLOODY MARYS FOR TWO HOURS UNTIL YOUR HANGOVER IS REPLACED WITH A PLEASANT MIDDAY BUZZ.
I’M GOING TO GO TAKE A NAP REAL QUICK. I’VE GOT TO MEET CATHY AND ERIK FOR LINNER AT 5.
SAME CONCEPT, BASICALLY, ONLY WITH MARTINIS.
- 5:00 pm
- 2,146 notes
IF YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES IT COULD JUST BE ME AND YOU.
HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND, YOU RANDY WEIRDO? WE’RE IN PUBLIC. I’VE GOT A LITTLE THING CALLED SELF CONTROL. WHERE’S YOUR PROPRIETY?
I CAN TELL BY THE WAY YOU’RE LOOKIN’ AT ME, GIRL …
I WANT TO MAKE LOVE IN THIS CLUB.
IN THIS CLUB.
IN THIS CLUB.
IN THIS CLUB.
ABSOLUTELY NOT. AND WHY DO YOU KEEP SAYING IT LIKE THAT? DO YOU THINK REPEATING IT WILL MAKE IT NORMAL?
I THINK THAT SHORTY I GOT A THING FOR YOU.
- 6:23 pm - Wed, Aug 22, 2012
- 607 notes
ATIAC will return on Friday, August 24th, when I return from picking up my sexy-ass wife in Vancouver, BC.
You may recall donating to our marriage fund sometime in the grey days where 2011 broke beneath the weight of 2012, and you may further remember this.
That is still a thing that happened, and remains unbelievable despite the ring that is just a hair too small slowly choking the life from my otherwise perennially unnoticed finger.
It’s been four months since I’ve seen her. Updates may be sporadic in the upcoming weeks as we will be doing sex things to each other in a sex-type way, and probably eating food and stuff (though not simultaneously because people who do that are horrible gross weirdos).
To everyone who has helped make the past year the most bizarre and exhilarating rollercoaster since my roaring, homeless 20s, I love you. I secretly creep onto your tumblrs in the wee hours of the night and laugh at your jokes, and I read every note and comment on every ATIAC post. If I haven’t answered your emails it is because I am buried in emails (metaphorically, of course; emails don’t weigh anything) and I have a job on top of putting this book together, but I have read them and smiled, and likely sorted them into folders because I enjoy organizing things almost as much as I enjoy captioning kangaroos for your amusement.
Let’s all go out to lunch or something.
Maybe catch a movie.
Magic Mike is still in the theatres here.
Let me know.
All my love,
- 4:10 pm
- 804 notes
YEAH, THIS IS PAM? UP ON 20? MY PRINTER ISN’T WORKING?
Were all of those questions supposed to be statements?
THEY WERE? THIS IS HOW I TALK?
Right. Have you tried turning it off and on again?
WILL THAT HELP?