- 7:09 pm - Thu, Aug 30, 2012
- 1,317 notes
GOD, DON’T YOU THINK IT’S TIME YOU ADDRESSED YOUR CREATIONS DIRECTLY? UPDATED YOUR LAWS AND COMMANDMENTS AND CLEARED UP ANY MISINTERPRETATIONS? THINGS ARE PRETTY BAD DOWN HERE.
I was going to, but I can’t get verified on Twitter because I forgot My old hotmail password.
CAN’T YOU JUST SHOW UP IN THE SKY OR SOMETHING? BIG PYROTECHNICS DISPLAY, AMPLIFIED VOICE, ETC?
That doesn’t mean anything anymore. I just went to go see hologram Tupac on tour. It’s the same thing.
SHIT, YOU’RE RIGHT. WE’VE GOT TO GET YOU VERIFIED.
That’s what I’ve been saying.
- 4:04 pm
- 1,494 notes
WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT YOUR PORNOGRAPHY COLLECTION.
LOOK, YOU KNOW I’M NOT JUDGING YOU. ANYTHING YOU’RE INTO IS COOL. I JUST WANT TO MAKE SURE ‘SHIPPING’ PEOPLE IS SAFE, AND THAT YOU HAVE A GOOD EDITOR.
- 3:32 am
- 370 notes
I am in Glasgow (which is in Scotland) and a wee bit jetlagged and bleary-eyed.
On the plus side, I am in Glasgow (which is in Scotland).
Wildlife will return as soon as my internal compass/clock/garbage disposal adjust to this side of the ocean.
Also, if you live in Glasgow, The Shivers are playing at Stereo tonight (Thursday) and they are the best band in the world, so come on down and see them with me.
Suggestions for cafés/bars with good internet connections that I can spend a couple hours a day doing ATIAC stuff in for the next two weeks would also be appreciated. My wife’s internet is garbage, plus there isn’t a lot of coffee in her flat. Just tea, and me.
If anyone just wants to come over for lunch or beers or whatever, let me know.
I hope you are having a good day, and that all your test results come back negative.
I like your shoes too. Those are nice shoes.
- 4:20 pm - Tue, Aug 28, 2012
- 800 notes
NOW, Y’ALL HAVE KNOWN ME FOR A WHILE, AND FOR A LONG TIME NOW YOU’VE BEEN HEARING ME TALK ABOUT BEING PERFECT.
WELL, I WANT YOU TO UNDERSTAND SOMETHING. TO ME, BEING PERFECT IS NOT ABOUT THAT SCOREBOARD OUT THERE. IT’S NOT ABOUT WINNING. IT’S ABOUT YOU AND YOUR RELATIONSHIP TO YOUR FAMILY AND YOUR FRIENDS. BEING PERFECT IS ABOUT BEING ABLE TO LOOK YOUR FRIENDS IN THE EYE AND KNOW THAT YOU DIDN’T LET THEM DOWN BECAUSE YOU TOLD THEM THE TRUTH. AND THAT TRUTH IS THAT YOU DID EVERYTHING THAT YOU COULD. THERE WASN’T ONE MORE THING YOU COULD HAVE DONE.
CAN YOU LIVE IN THAT MOMENT AS BEST YOU CAN, WITH CLEAR EYES AND LOVE IN YOUR HEART? WITH JOY IN YOUR HEART?
IF YOU CAN DO THAT, GENTLEMEN, THEN YOU’RE PERFECT.
- 9:41 pm - Mon, Aug 27, 2012
- 4,350 notes
DID YOU USE MY RAZOR?
DON’T ANSWER. I KNOW YOU USED MY RAZOR. I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHY, AND ON WHAT.
- 10:33 pm - Sun, Aug 26, 2012
- 1,972 notes
I’M NOT POUTING AND I’M NOT BEING WEIRD. I SIMPLY DON’T SEE THE POINT OF PRETENDING TO ENJOY LIFE WHILE GAME OF THRONES ISN’T ON TV.
- 6:44 pm - Sat, Aug 25, 2012
- 2,127 notes
AND THAT IS MY ONLY COMMANDMENT, THAT YOU LOVE ONE ANOTHER AND REFRAIN FROM PETTY INFIGHTING AND RESIST THE TEMPTATION TO LET RELATIVE ANONYMITY MAKE YOU UNREASONABLY AND INEXPLICABLY CRUEL.
"You’re not the real God. You suck." -tumblr user ButtPoop666
I AM NOT THE CHRISTIAN GOD, BUTTPOOP666. I AM THE GOD OF THE INTERNET, MEOWEH.
Ur ugly & nobody lieks u! -@IHATEFATCHICKS99
WAIT, STOP. I AM BENEVOLENT AND KIND. AND FUZZY.
STUPID CAT GOD WANTS TO END SNARK. IS THE AARON SORKIN OF HEAVEN. -Gawker
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? I AM A FORCE OF LOVE AND KINDNESS, WITH ADORABLE LITTLE PAWS AND BIG-
"Y U No hav a boyfran?"
OH FUCK YOU.
- 8:38 pm - Fri, Aug 24, 2012
- 1,056 notes
HAVE YOU GUYS EVER HAD BRUNCH? IT’S AWESOME. IT’S LIKE A COMBINATION OF BREAKFAST AND LUNCH, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF EATING YOU JUST POUND MIMOSAS AND BLOODY MARYS FOR TWO HOURS UNTIL YOUR HANGOVER IS REPLACED WITH A PLEASANT MIDDAY BUZZ.
I’M GOING TO GO TAKE A NAP REAL QUICK. I’VE GOT TO MEET CATHY AND ERIK FOR LINNER AT 5.
SAME CONCEPT, BASICALLY, ONLY WITH MARTINIS.
- 5:00 pm
- 2,146 notes
IF YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES IT COULD JUST BE ME AND YOU.
HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND, YOU RANDY WEIRDO? WE’RE IN PUBLIC. I’VE GOT A LITTLE THING CALLED SELF CONTROL. WHERE’S YOUR PROPRIETY?
I CAN TELL BY THE WAY YOU’RE LOOKIN’ AT ME, GIRL …
I WANT TO MAKE LOVE IN THIS CLUB.
IN THIS CLUB.
IN THIS CLUB.
IN THIS CLUB.
ABSOLUTELY NOT. AND WHY DO YOU KEEP SAYING IT LIKE THAT? DO YOU THINK REPEATING IT WILL MAKE IT NORMAL?
I THINK THAT SHORTY I GOT A THING FOR YOU.
- 6:23 pm - Wed, Aug 22, 2012
- 607 notes
ATIAC will return on Friday, August 24th, when I return from picking up my sexy-ass wife in Vancouver, BC.
You may recall donating to our marriage fund sometime in the grey days where 2011 broke beneath the weight of 2012, and you may further remember this.
That is still a thing that happened, and remains unbelievable despite the ring that is just a hair too small slowly choking the life from my otherwise perennially unnoticed finger.
It’s been four months since I’ve seen her. Updates may be sporadic in the upcoming weeks as we will be doing sex things to each other in a sex-type way, and probably eating food and stuff (though not simultaneously because people who do that are horrible gross weirdos).
To everyone who has helped make the past year the most bizarre and exhilarating rollercoaster since my roaring, homeless 20s, I love you. I secretly creep onto your tumblrs in the wee hours of the night and laugh at your jokes, and I read every note and comment on every ATIAC post. If I haven’t answered your emails it is because I am buried in emails (metaphorically, of course; emails don’t weigh anything) and I have a job on top of putting this book together, but I have read them and smiled, and likely sorted them into folders because I enjoy organizing things almost as much as I enjoy captioning kangaroos for your amusement.
Let’s all go out to lunch or something.
Maybe catch a movie.
Magic Mike is still in the theatres here.
Let me know.
All my love,
- 4:10 pm
- 804 notes
YEAH, THIS IS PAM? UP ON 20? MY PRINTER ISN’T WORKING?
Were all of those questions supposed to be statements?
THEY WERE? THIS IS HOW I TALK?
Right. Have you tried turning it off and on again?
WILL THAT HELP?
- 8:38 am
- 1,810 notes
THANK YOU FOR ALWAYS LISTENING TO ME COMPLAIN ABOUT MY JOB FOR HOURS ON END EVEN THOUGH YOU HAVE NO CLUE WHO ANY OF THE PEOPLE I’M TALKING ABOUT ARE, OR HOW THE BASICS OF MY CHOSEN INDUSTRY FUNCTION.
IN MY HEAD I JUST PICTURE YOUR COWORKERS AS VARIOUS D-LIST TV ACTORS. IT MAKES YOUR COMPLAINING LIKE A LITTLE SHOW. OF COURSE, IT’S A TERRIBLE SHOW AND I HATE ALL THOSE ACTORS NOW, EVEN THOUGH THEY HAVEN’T ACTUALLY DONE ANY OF THE THINGS I HATE THEM FOR.
WHAT ABOUT WHEN I DESCRIBE THE JOB ITSELF IN EXCRUCIATINGLY BORING DETAIL?
QUITE HONESTLY, ONCE YOU GO OFF ON SPECIFICS I JUST TUNE YOU OUT AND TRY TO NOD EVERY 30 SECONDS OR SO. SOMETIMES I GO, “UGH” OR “OH, THAT’S TERRIBLE.” IT WORKS ALMOST EVERY TIME.
YOU ARE A HANDSOME GENIUS.
THANK YOU. YOU NEED A NEW JOB.
- 9:47 pm - Tue, Aug 21, 2012
- 2,380 notes
I MEAN, I’M NOT SURE WHAT YOU’RE INTO BUT WE’VE GOT SOME PRETTY GOOD CLUBS IN THE WEST END. COUPLE OF KILLER RESTAURANTS. I COULD SHOW YOU AROUND.
LET ME GET YOUR NUMBER. I’LL PICK YOU UP AROUND SEVEN AND WE’LL HIT THE TOWN.
- 5:25 pm
- 1,579 notes
MOM, WHAT WAS THE WORLD LIKE BEFORE BEYONCÉ?
WHY WOULD YOU EVEN ASK SUCH A HORRIBLE QUESTION?
I DON’T KNOW. I WAS JUST WONDERING.
IT WAS TERRIBLE, OBVIOUSLY. JUST REALLY, REALLY BAD.
- 6:55 pm - Mon, Aug 20, 2012
- 2,771 notes
MMMPH. GGGHHHHHKKK! HNNNNNNNNMMMG.
… WHAT ARE ALL THOSE TERRIBLE NOISES?
THE ONES YOU’RE MAKING? I DON’T KNOW.
NO, THE STABBY BAD ONES.
THEY’RE BIRDS. CHIRPING.
I HATE THEM. WHAT IS THAT HORRIBLE GLOW?
THE SUN. IT’S NOON.
CAN YOU PLEASE SHUT IT OFF? IT’S ATROCIOUS AND INVASIVE.
IT’S BENEVOLENT AND NECESSARY FOR LIFE.
CAN YOU AT LEAST SHUT OFF THE DIRBS?
BIRDS, AND NO. I HOPE THIS TEACHES YOU A VALUABLE LESSON ABOUT BUYING WINE AT 7-11.
I AM SO FULL OF REGRETS. I AM SORRY FOR ALL THE THINGS.