ANIMALS TALKING IN ALL CAPS

REALLY? WELL, I KNOW BLUE EYESHADOW’S KIND OF TACKY BUT I THINK IF IT’S DONE RIGHT IT LOOKS GOOD WITH JUST ABOUT ANY SKIN TONE. ALL I DID WAS MIX A LITTLE BEN NYE COSMIC BLUE WITH URBAN DECAY’S KIDDIE POOL, AND- AH! WHAT AM I TALKING ABOUT? YOU DON’T CARE ABOUT THIS STUFF. OH, I’M FUDGING THIS ALL UP.

NO, YOU’RE NOT. I WASN’T TALKING ABOUT YOUR MAKEUP, THOUGH. JUST, YOU KNOW … YOU. YOU LOOK VERY PRETTY TODAY. EVERY DAY. I THINK YOU LOOK PRETTY ALL THE TIME.

…

…

…

…

I’M JUST GOING TO BLUSH TO DEATH NOW.

HA HA HA! YOU “PLANET!”

OF COURSE! HOW ELSE WOULD YOU ORGANIZE A SPACE PARTY?

OH, MAN, THAT’S TOO FUNNY.  

HOW COME WE’VE NEVER TALKED BEFORE? YOU’RE A RIOT!

MORE LIKE ‘BORN TO NOT SING VERY GOOD’!

ZIIIIIIIING!

OH, I GOT YOU LANA DEL REY! I GOT YOU GOOD! YOU GOT GOT!

HAAAAAA! OH YOU GOT GOT SO HARD!

IT’S A WILLIAM CHAMBERS ONE-OFF FOR VENA CAVA THAT PATRICK GAVE ME LAST TIME I WAS IN NEW YORK. 

PICK UP A MAGAZINE SOMETIME, PHILISTINE, AND STOP GIVING ME THE EYEBROW. IT’S NOT LIKE I’M TRYING TO PULL OFF THAT LAMPSHADE STEPHEN JONES MADE FOR GALLIANO IN 2000.

WOULD YOU JUST GO AND SEE IF WILLIAM’S BROUGHT THE CAR AROUND YET? I’M LATE FOR THE FUNDRAISER AND I DON’T NEED YOUR LITTLE JUDGMENTS RIGHT NOW.

THOSE PILLOWS ARE HIDEOUS.

HAVE YOU GUYS TRIED THIS NEW MONSTANTO MOD-BLAST COCONUT MILK®? IT’S GOT THE SAME GREAT OLD-SEMEN-AND-NITROGEN-RICH-DIRT TASTE OF REGULAR COCONUT MILK, WITH THE CHROMOSOME-DAMAGING MUTAGENIC TANG MONSANTO IS KNOWN FOR!

AN IN-HOUSE TEAM OF AMORAL SCIENTISTS-FOR-HIRE HAVE CONCLUDED THAT THERE ARE NO ADVERSE SIDE EFFECTS, AND AT THE EXACT SAME PRICE AS REGULAR COCONUT MILK THERE’S NO REASON NOT TO TRY IT TODAY!

MUST FEEEEEED. NEED BLOOD. AND ANTLERRRRRRRRRS. 

GRRRRRRR. ANTLERRRRR- HOLY SHIT, STEPHANIE?

ASHLEY?

I HAVEN’T SEEN YOU SINCE FRESHMAN YEAR! DIDN’T YOU MOVE OUT OF STATE?

YEAH, I JUST MOVED BACK THIS AUGUST.

AND YOU GOT POSSESSED BY A DEMONIC ENTITY THAT FILLS YOU WITH AN INEXHAUSTIBLE CRAVING FOR THE FLESH AND MARROW OF YOUR OWN KIND TOO?

YEAH, BASICALLY RIGHT AFTER I MOVED BACK. SEPTEMBER, MAYBE? MID-SEPTEMBER?

THAT’S CRAZY! WHAT A SMALL WORLD!

I KNOW. WHAT ARE THE ODDS? IT’S REALLY GOOD RUNNING INTO YOU. WE SHOULD DO SOMETHING SOMETIME.

DEFINITELY.

CHIN SKYWARD, FAITHFUL COMPANION! TODAY IS A DAY OF GLORY! A CELEBRATION OF YOUR PHYSICAL PROWESS AND INBORN GRACE! AND YET YOU SEEM GLUM!

… I’M FINE. I’M JUST TIRED.

COME NOW, DON’T MAKE ME SAY IT.

DON’T SAY IT. I JUST NEED SOME TEA, THAT’S ALL.

I DON’T FIND MYSELF CONVINCED. SO … WHY THE-

DON’T SAY IT.

YES, BUT WHY THE-

KNOCK IT OFF, GEORGE.

WHY THE LONG FACE, OLD FRIEND?  WHY THE LONG FACE! AH HA HA HA! OHHHHHH! OH MY. OH MY, YES. DO YOU GET IT? DO YOU?

I GET IT, GEORGE.

YOUR FACE, STRUCTURALLY, IS QUITE-

I GET IT, GEORGE.

PFFFFFFFT.

I THOUGHT THE GIANT BIFOCALS PHASE WAS BAD.

YOU HIPSTER DIPSHITS WILL JUST WEAR ANYTHING, WON’T YOU?

JUST BECAUSE WE’RE GOING TO THE GROCERY STORE DOESN’T MEAN WE CAN’T HAVE A LITTLE FUN.

STOP WORRYING SO MUCH.

MOST OF THE PYROTECHNICS ARE SAFE ENOUGH FOR A CHILD TO OPERATE.

AND HARDLY ANYONE’S EVER DIED PARASAILING.

BASICALLY, WE DON’T LIKE TO LEAVE THE HOUSE UNLESS WHATEVER WE’RE DOING RESEMBLES AN OK GO VIDEO.

JUST GRAB A HELMET AND GET IN THE CAR.

I DON’T KNOW, MAN. THE MARKET’S IN THE TOILET AND THE NEIGHBORHOOD’S NOT WHAT IT USED TO BE, BUT I’M STILL GETTING THE ITCH TO SELL. MIGHT JUST CUT MY LOSSES.

WHAT ABOUT YOU? HOW’S THINGS WITH THE LITTLE LADY?

OBVIOUSLY IT OPENS WITH A STRONG TRUMPET OF LEMON LACED WITH PETIT GRAIN. JUST A STUNNING DEPTH OF CITRUS TO IT.

CORRECT.

CARNATION TOP NOTES. A ROSEMARY AND SAGE HEART BROUGHT TOGETHER BY … VERBENA?

MMM HM.

AND THE PATCHOULI IS SIMPLY CRAZY FOR A CITRUS FRAGRANCE, BUT NOT OVERWHELMING. IT TIES THE WHOLE ESSENCE INTO THE BASE NOTES. JUST A TANGLE OF CEDAR AND SANDALWOOD DOWN THERE. AND THE VETIVER HAS A DIRTY ACCORD, BUT THAT NUTMEG ROUNDS IT RIGHT OUT. GIVES IT AN ALMOST DUSTY TONE.

I COULDN’T AGREE MORE. I REALLY LIKE IT.

I WANT TO MAKE LOVE TO YOU, RIGHT NOW, ALL OVER THE PLACE.

I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS STUFF IS ONLY $40.

YEAH, BUT WHAT’S WITH THE HUNTING CAP?

I don’t know.

SO BASICALLY HE JUST BOMBS PREP SCHOOL BECAUSE HE’S A SLACKER AND THEN STILL HAS ENOUGH MONEY TO TOOL AROUND NEW YORK BUYING HOOKERS AND GENERALLY BITCHING ABOUT HOW HARD EVERYTHING IS?

I guess so.

IN A HUNTING CAP?

Do you want me to finish reading it or not?

SORRY, I’M JUST SAYING.

SO I TOLD THAT PIECE OF SHIT EXACTLY WHAT I THOUGHT OF HIM. I WAS LIKE ‘EVERYTHING YOU DO IS GARBAGE AND YOU WILL NEVER BE HAPPY BECAUSE YOU’RE A NO-TALENT HACK AND NOBODY LIKES YOU. I HOPE YOU DIE IN A FIRE.’

OH MY GOD, REALLY? HOW DID HE RESPOND? WEREN’T YOU WORRIED HE WAS GOING TO FLIP OUT OR PUNCH YOU OR SOMETHING?

HOW COULD HE PUNCH ME THROUGH THE INTERNET?

OH, SO YOU JUST TWITTERED AT HIM OR WHATEVER?

PLEASE DON’T USE THAT TONE. WE JUST MET. I DON’T APPRECIATE IT WHEN STRANGERS JUDGE ME.