ANIMALS TALKING IN ALL CAPS

MODERN LIVING IS A SERIES OF FLOUNDERING STRUGGLES AGAINST IMPOSSIBLY STRONG CURRENTS, SUBMERGING OUR BETTER NATURES BENEATH FRENZIED WAVES OF OPPRESSION AND DISILLUSIONMENT. EVEN WHEN WE MANAGE, SO INFREQUENTLY, TO STAY AFLOAT, THE CLAMOR OF FOOLISH VOICES, THE TUMULTUOUS HOWLS OF THE WEAK, AND THE MONOTONOUS DRONE OF THE POWERS THAT BE ARE ALL BOUND UP TOGETHER IN A UNIFIED, UNCEASING TONE THAT BEATS UPON THE EARDRUMS EVERY MOMENT OF EVERY DAY, EVEN IN SLUMBER.

AND THAT’S WHY I DRINK JULIUS KESSLER’S FINE AMERICAN WHISKEY. IT’S “SMOOTH AS SILK” AND TASTES GREAT BEFORE OR AFTER NOON!

DO BE DO BE DOOOOO.

LA LA LA.

WHILE I RESPECT YOUR DESIRE TO SIT AT HOME AND WATCH ALL SEVEN SEASONS OF BUFFY, AGAIN, FOR THE FOURTH TIME THIS YEAR, I REALLY WISH YOU’D COME TO THE BAR WITH ME AND MEET SOME HUNKY DUDES.

YES, I AM FULLY PREPARED FOR ARMAGEDDON!

I’D LIKE TO GIVE YOU-

I DON’T WANT ANY FREE ISSUES OF THE WATCHTOWER!

THERE IS A KINGDOM-

WILL YOU PLEASE FUCK OFF SO I CAN FINISH MY SHOWER?

I LOVE BARRY. BARRY’S MY BOYFRIEND. HE MAKES ME FEEL LIKE A BAAAAAAAABE.

I DON’T LOVE STEVE. STEVE IS A DOUCHEBAG. EVEN THOUGH WE WERE ENGAAAAAAAAAAGED.

BE-CAUSE

NOW I LOVE BARRY. BARRY’S MY BOYFRIEND. HE BRINGS ME ICE CREAM IN BEDDDDDD.

STEVE IS A DICK. HE SLEPT WITH MY COUSIN. I WISH THAT STEVEN WAS DEADDDDDDDD.

EVERYBODY, SING ALONG IF YOU KNOW THE WORDS!

QUIT YOUR GOSHDANG LIB’RAL FLIMMERFLAMMER AND BLEEDIN’ HEART BALLYHOO. IF YOU DON’T LOVE ‘MERICA THERE’S THE DOOR. BEST IF YOU JUST PACKED UP AND LEFT.

GO ON. GIT. WE DON’T NEED YOU PEOPLE GUMMIN’ UP THE WORKS.

GOOD AFTERNOON, I’M MARK, AND THIS IS ANTHONY. WE’RE HERE TODAY TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT CUTCO CUTLERY, THE ONLY KNIVES YOU’LL EVER NEED.

IS THAT A FALL OUT BOY TATTOO?

WOW.

JUST … WOW.

OH, I KNOW. BUT YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE, RIGHT? SO AS SOON AS THE KIDS GRADUATED I SOLD THE HOUSE AND THAT GODAWFUL VAN AND NEVER LOOKED BACK. NOW IT’S JUST CABANA BOYS AND MIMOSAS ALL DAY AND ALL NIGHT.

WELL, MIMOSAS ALL DAY, CABANA BOYS ALL NIGHT IF YOU WANT TO GET TECHNICAL, BUT IT ALL BLENDS TOGETHER AFTER A WHILE.

WAIT, STOP.

I’M SORRY, THE ENTIRE TIME YOU WERE TALKING I THOUGHT IT WAS AN ELABORATE SETUP FOR A JOKE BUT THEN I REALIZED YOU’RE JUST EXTREMELY BORING.

HEY LOOK A NEW SIGUR ROS VIDEO.

DIDN’T EVEN KNOW THEY HAD A RECORD COMING OUT.

OH, AND IT’S STARRING SHIA LABEOUF.

… ‘S PENIS. SHIA LABEOUF’S PENIS.

… THAT IS … VERY ARTISTIC.

I WILL JUST WATCH THIS VIDEO SEVEN OR EIGHT MORE TIMES TO REALLY TAKE IN ALL THE ARTISTRY. 

BECAUSE ART.

PENIS.

HEY EVERYBODY! I FOUND DANNY’S BODY! TOLD YOU HE’D SNAG ON SOMETHING!

NOW THAT WE DON’T HAVE TO DRIVE TO THE SEARCH AND RESCUE STATION, WHO WANTS TO HELP ME START COOKING SOME HOT DOGS, HUH? I’M STARVING!

THANK THE GODS YOU’VE COME.

THEY ATTACKED ME IN FORCE. THE GREEEN ORB, THE QUACKING BEAST, THE FERTBERL, SEVERAL OTHERS …

THOUGH I FOUGHT BRAVELY, AND WELL, THIS PINK DEMON SEEMS TO SECRETE SOME FORM OF DEADLY POISON. I CAN BARELY CONTROL MY FACE AND MY BODY GROWS NUMB.

I DOUBT EVEN A VIGOROUS RUB WOULD RESTORE FEELING TO MY BELLY AT THIS POINT, THOUGH IT IS WORTH A TRY.

I’VE HEARD WHISPERS OF AN ANTIDOTE. SOMETHING CALLED ‘BEGGIN’ STRIPS’. POSSIBLY SOME SORT OF PLANT, OR HERB. I’M NOT SURE. HAVE YOU HEARD OF THIS SUBSTANCE? COULD YOU ACQUIRE IT?

I FEAR I HAVEN’T MUCH TIME.

OH, HEY. THERE YOU ARE. THOUGHT I’D LOST YOU. SORRY, I WAS IN THE CONTEMPORARY WING LOOKING AT THESE HORRIBLE BUTZER PIECES. IT’S LIKE THE NEW YORK GRAFFITI SCHOOL PURPOSELY WENT COLORBLIND AND STARTED APING A.R. PENCK. JUST REALLY HORRIBLE STUFF. PLUS I FOUND IT DIFFICULT TO ENTER INTO GIVEN THAT THE OPTICAL SUGGESTION OF BIOMORPHIC FORMS SPATIALLY UNDERMINES THE INTENDED DISJUNCTIVE PRETURBATION OF THE NEGATIVE SPACE.

ANYWAY, HOW WAS THE DEKOONING RETROSPECTIVE? WORTH A LOOK?

DANIELLE, DO YOU HAVE THE INVOICES FROM LAST MONTH ON FILE ANYWHERE? I WAS TRYING TO INSTALL SOME NEW PRINTER DRIVERS AND I DELETED HALF MY DAMNED HARD DRIVE.

I THINK SO. JUST LET ME FINISH A COUPLE OF SPREADSHEETS AND EMAIL ROGER ABOUT THE NEW H.R. POLICIES AND I’LL CHECK. HEY, DID YOU HEAR ABOUT BETHANY, THE ADMINISTRATIVE ANEMONE FROM 20C? CAME HOME AND HER WHOLE BURROW WAS STRIPPED CLEAN. NOTHING LEFT.

I DID! TERRIBLE THING. JUST TERRIBLE. I DON’T WANT TO SOUND RACIST BUT IT WAS PROBABLY ISOPODS, YOU KNOW? I’VE TOLD HER A HUNDRED TIMES SHE NEEDS TO MOVE TO A BETTER NEIGHBORHOOD BUT SHE’S ‘HIP’ AND ‘ARTISTIC’.

I DON’T KNOW WHERE SHE’D MOVE. THE WHOLE REEF’S GOING TO HELL IF YOU ASK ME.

TRUE, TRUE. SAY, DID YOU CATCH ATLANTIC IDOL LAST NIGHT? THERE WAS THIS NUDIBRANCH ON THERE THAT WAS JUST AMAZING.

I KNOW! HE WAS FANTASTIC! I NEVER MISS AN EPISODE. THAT SHOW IS SO GOOD.

YOU STAY AWAY FROM JOHNNY, YOU HEAR ME? I WILL CUT YOUR FACE!

HE’S TOO GOOD LOOKING FOR YOU! HE BELONGS WITH SOMEONE SEXY LIKE ME!

AAAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHH! IHATEYOUIHATEYOUYIHATEYOU!

SHARON! ELIZABETH! KNOCK IT OFF! I MEAN IT! YOU’RE ACTING LIKE LARVAE AND I’VE HAD ENOUGH! I’LL SEE YOU BOTH IN DETENTION LATER IF YOU CAN’T LEARN TO GET ALONG!

YOU SHOULD DETAIN HER FROM BEING SUCH A DIRTY HOOKER!

YOU GIVING MAKEUP LESSONS IN DETENTION? BECAUSE PRINCESS BUTTERFACE NEEDS A WHOLE LOT OF EXTRA CREDIT!