8:38 am - Wed, Aug 22, 2012
1,810 notes
THANK YOU FOR ALWAYS LISTENING TO ME COMPLAIN ABOUT MY JOB FOR HOURS ON END EVEN THOUGH YOU HAVE NO CLUE WHO ANY OF THE PEOPLE I’M TALKING ABOUT ARE, OR HOW THE BASICS OF MY CHOSEN INDUSTRY FUNCTION.
IN MY HEAD I JUST PICTURE YOUR COWORKERS AS VARIOUS D-LIST TV ACTORS. IT MAKES YOUR COMPLAINING LIKE A LITTLE SHOW. OF COURSE, IT’S A TERRIBLE SHOW AND I HATE ALL THOSE ACTORS NOW, EVEN THOUGH THEY HAVEN’T ACTUALLY DONE ANY OF THE THINGS I HATE THEM FOR.
WHAT ABOUT WHEN I DESCRIBE THE JOB ITSELF IN EXCRUCIATINGLY BORING DETAIL?
QUITE HONESTLY, ONCE YOU GO OFF ON SPECIFICS I JUST TUNE YOU OUT AND TRY TO NOD EVERY 30 SECONDS OR SO. SOMETIMES I GO, “UGH” OR “OH, THAT’S TERRIBLE.” IT WORKS ALMOST EVERY TIME.
YOU ARE A HANDSOME GENIUS.
THANK YOU. YOU NEED A NEW JOB.

THANK YOU FOR ALWAYS LISTENING TO ME COMPLAIN ABOUT MY JOB FOR HOURS ON END EVEN THOUGH YOU HAVE NO CLUE WHO ANY OF THE PEOPLE I’M TALKING ABOUT ARE, OR HOW THE BASICS OF MY CHOSEN INDUSTRY FUNCTION.

IN MY HEAD I JUST PICTURE YOUR COWORKERS AS VARIOUS D-LIST TV ACTORS. IT MAKES YOUR COMPLAINING LIKE A LITTLE SHOW. OF COURSE, IT’S A TERRIBLE SHOW AND I HATE ALL THOSE ACTORS NOW, EVEN THOUGH THEY HAVEN’T ACTUALLY DONE ANY OF THE THINGS I HATE THEM FOR.

WHAT ABOUT WHEN I DESCRIBE THE JOB ITSELF IN EXCRUCIATINGLY BORING DETAIL?

QUITE HONESTLY, ONCE YOU GO OFF ON SPECIFICS I JUST TUNE YOU OUT AND TRY TO NOD EVERY 30 SECONDS OR SO. SOMETIMES I GO, “UGH” OR “OH, THAT’S TERRIBLE.” IT WORKS ALMOST EVERY TIME.

YOU ARE A HANDSOME GENIUS.

THANK YOU. YOU NEED A NEW JOB.

9:47 pm - Tue, Aug 21, 2012
2,380 notes
I MEAN, I’M NOT SURE WHAT YOU’RE INTO BUT WE’VE GOT SOME PRETTY GOOD CLUBS IN THE WEST END. COUPLE OF KILLER RESTAURANTS. I COULD SHOW YOU AROUND.  
LET ME GET YOUR NUMBER. I’LL PICK YOU UP AROUND SEVEN AND WE’LL HIT THE TOWN. 

I MEAN, I’M NOT SURE WHAT YOU’RE INTO BUT WE’VE GOT SOME PRETTY GOOD CLUBS IN THE WEST END. COUPLE OF KILLER RESTAURANTS. I COULD SHOW YOU AROUND.  

LET ME GET YOUR NUMBER. I’LL PICK YOU UP AROUND SEVEN AND WE’LL HIT THE TOWN. 

5:25 pm
1,579 notes
MOM, WHAT WAS THE WORLD LIKE BEFORE BEYONCÉ?
WHY WOULD YOU EVEN ASK SUCH A HORRIBLE QUESTION?
I DON’T KNOW. I WAS JUST WONDERING.
IT WAS TERRIBLE, OBVIOUSLY. JUST REALLY, REALLY BAD.

MOM, WHAT WAS THE WORLD LIKE BEFORE BEYONCÉ?

WHY WOULD YOU EVEN ASK SUCH A HORRIBLE QUESTION?

I DON’T KNOW. I WAS JUST WONDERING.

IT WAS TERRIBLE, OBVIOUSLY. JUST REALLY, REALLY BAD.

6:55 pm - Mon, Aug 20, 2012
2,771 notes
MMMPH. GGGHHHHHKKK! HNNNNNNNNMMMG. 
… WHAT ARE ALL THOSE TERRIBLE NOISES?
THE ONES YOU’RE MAKING? I DON’T KNOW.
NO, THE STABBY BAD ONES.
THEY’RE BIRDS. CHIRPING.
I HATE THEM. WHAT IS THAT HORRIBLE GLOW?
THE SUN. IT’S NOON.
CAN YOU PLEASE SHUT IT OFF? IT’S ATROCIOUS AND INVASIVE.
IT’S BENEVOLENT AND NECESSARY FOR LIFE.
CAN YOU AT LEAST SHUT OFF THE DIRBS?
BIRDS, AND NO. I HOPE THIS TEACHES YOU A VALUABLE LESSON ABOUT BUYING WINE AT 7-11.
I AM SO FULL OF REGRETS. I AM SORRY FOR ALL THE THINGS.

MMMPH. GGGHHHHHKKK! HNNNNNNNNMMMG. 

… WHAT ARE ALL THOSE TERRIBLE NOISES?

THE ONES YOU’RE MAKING? I DON’T KNOW.

NO, THE STABBY BAD ONES.

THEY’RE BIRDS. CHIRPING.

I HATE THEM. WHAT IS THAT HORRIBLE GLOW?

THE SUN. IT’S NOON.

CAN YOU PLEASE SHUT IT OFF? IT’S ATROCIOUS AND INVASIVE.

IT’S BENEVOLENT AND NECESSARY FOR LIFE.

CAN YOU AT LEAST SHUT OFF THE DIRBS?

BIRDS, AND NO. I HOPE THIS TEACHES YOU A VALUABLE LESSON ABOUT BUYING WINE AT 7-11.

I AM SO FULL OF REGRETS. I AM SORRY FOR ALL THE THINGS.

4:27 pm
4,629 notes
I’M SORRY I KICKED DARREN IN THE FACE FOR CHEATING ON YOU.
I’m sorry I yelled at you for doing it. I was just startled.
HOOF TO GOD, I THINK HE DESERVED IT. YOU’RE A PRINCESS.
I love you, Shelly.
I LOVE YOU TOO.

I’M SORRY I KICKED DARREN IN THE FACE FOR CHEATING ON YOU.

I’m sorry I yelled at you for doing it. I was just startled.

HOOF TO GOD, I THINK HE DESERVED IT. YOU’RE A PRINCESS.

I love you, Shelly.

I LOVE YOU TOO.

10:03 pm - Sun, Aug 19, 2012
2,345 notes
I’M REALLY NERVOUS. WILL COLLEGE BE SCARY?
NO, HONEY. IT WILL BE WONDERFUL. WITH THE MONEY WE SAVE WE’RE GOING TO PAINT THE LIVING ROOM AND REFINISH THE DECK. DAD WANTS TO TURN YOUR ROOM INTO AN OFFICE SO HE’S GOT SOMEWHERE TO WORK. I’M GOING TO TAKE SOME ART CLASSES AT THE COMMUNITY CENTER. ONCE THAT’S DONE, THE JOHNSONS SAID WE CAN USE THEIR CABIN FOR A WEEK OR TWO, SO THAT SHOULD BE REALLY NICE. IT’S RIGHT BY THE OCEAN. THEN WE WERE THINKING ABOUT BUYING SOME NICER FURNITUR-
I MEANT FOR ME. WILL COLLEGE BE SCARY FOR ME?
OH. I DON’T KNOW. PROBABLY.

I’M REALLY NERVOUS. WILL COLLEGE BE SCARY?

NO, HONEY. IT WILL BE WONDERFUL. WITH THE MONEY WE SAVE WE’RE GOING TO PAINT THE LIVING ROOM AND REFINISH THE DECK. DAD WANTS TO TURN YOUR ROOM INTO AN OFFICE SO HE’S GOT SOMEWHERE TO WORK. I’M GOING TO TAKE SOME ART CLASSES AT THE COMMUNITY CENTER. ONCE THAT’S DONE, THE JOHNSONS SAID WE CAN USE THEIR CABIN FOR A WEEK OR TWO, SO THAT SHOULD BE REALLY NICE. IT’S RIGHT BY THE OCEAN. THEN WE WERE THINKING ABOUT BUYING SOME NICER FURNITUR-

I MEANT FOR ME. WILL COLLEGE BE SCARY FOR ME?

OH. I DON’T KNOW. PROBABLY.

6:27 pm
292 notes
ALL I’M SAYING IS IT WOULD BE EASIER FOR WILL MCAVOY TO DELIVER BLISTERING NEWSCASTS FULL OF TRUTH BOMBS AND RIGHTEOUS INDIGNATION IF ALL THESE CHICKS WEREN’T PERIODING ALL OVER THE OFFICE AND CRYING ABOUT NAIL POLISH! WHY CAN’T THEY BE STOIC AND DO EMAILS? WHY DOES MAGGIE HAVE A JOB? WHO LET WOMEN VOTE AND STUFF?

ALL I’M SAYING IS IT WOULD BE EASIER FOR WILL MCAVOY TO DELIVER BLISTERING NEWSCASTS FULL OF TRUTH BOMBS AND RIGHTEOUS INDIGNATION IF ALL THESE CHICKS WEREN’T PERIODING ALL OVER THE OFFICE AND CRYING ABOUT NAIL POLISH! WHY CAN’T THEY BE STOIC AND DO EMAILS? WHY DOES MAGGIE HAVE A JOB? WHO LET WOMEN VOTE AND STUFF?

4:13 pm - Sat, Aug 18, 2012
2,211 notes
I SHOULDN’T HAVE TO EAT ALPO IF I DON’T WANT TO.
I’M GOTHAM’S RECKONING.

I SHOULDN’T HAVE TO EAT ALPO IF I DON’T WANT TO.

I’M GOTHAM’S RECKONING.

6:32 pm - Fri, Aug 17, 2012
2,618 notes
WHAT ARE YOU STUDYING IN SCHOOL THIS WEEK?
SOCIAL CONSTRUCTS AND INSTITUTIONS. I HAVE TO WRITE A PAPER ABOUT MARRIAGE.
I CAN HELP WITH THAT. MARRIAGE IS A NOOSE, MADE OUT OF DOCUMENTS AND IN-LAWS, THAT SLOWLY CHOKES THE LIFE FROM YOU, LITTLE BY LITTLE, DAY BY DAY, UNTIL YOU DIE.
THAT’S FUNNY, DAD SAID IT WAS “LEGALLY BINDING YOURSELF TO A FURNACE DESIGNED TO INCINERATE YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS.”
THAT SON OF A BITCH. I’LL KILL HIM.
YOU GUYS DO KNOW THAT DIVORCE IS A THING, RIGHT? YOU CAN GET DIVORCED?
HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT? YOUR FATHER AND I LOVE EACH OTHER VERY MUCH.

WHAT ARE YOU STUDYING IN SCHOOL THIS WEEK?

SOCIAL CONSTRUCTS AND INSTITUTIONS. I HAVE TO WRITE A PAPER ABOUT MARRIAGE.

I CAN HELP WITH THAT. MARRIAGE IS A NOOSE, MADE OUT OF DOCUMENTS AND IN-LAWS, THAT SLOWLY CHOKES THE LIFE FROM YOU, LITTLE BY LITTLE, DAY BY DAY, UNTIL YOU DIE.

THAT’S FUNNY, DAD SAID IT WAS “LEGALLY BINDING YOURSELF TO A FURNACE DESIGNED TO INCINERATE YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS.”

THAT SON OF A BITCH. I’LL KILL HIM.

YOU GUYS DO KNOW THAT DIVORCE IS A THING, RIGHT? YOU CAN GET DIVORCED?

HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT? YOUR FATHER AND I LOVE EACH OTHER VERY MUCH.

7:00 pm - Thu, Aug 16, 2012
835 notes
HEY, CAPTAIN ZISSOU, YOU CAN’T SMOKE IN HERE.
SERIOUSLY, DON’T BE A DICKHEAD.
JUST GO AROUND BACK.

HEY, CAPTAIN ZISSOU, YOU CAN’T SMOKE IN HERE.

SERIOUSLY, DON’T BE A DICKHEAD.

JUST GO AROUND BACK.

4:19 pm
832 notes
GUESS WHO GOT A PRO-MO-TION! THE HAPPIEST GIRL IN THE O-CEAN! IT’S MEEEEEEEEEE!
I’M THE HEAD OF ACCOUNTS RECEIVABLE!
IT’S PRACTICALLY UNBELIEVABLE!
FORTY THOUSAND A YEAR, WITH BENEFITS!
401K! STOCK OPTIONS! ALL THAT SHIT!
DEEDLE DEE DEEDLE DEE DEEEEEEEEE! WOOOOOOOOOOOO!

GUESS WHO GOT A PRO-MO-TION! THE HAPPIEST GIRL IN THE O-CEAN! IT’S MEEEEEEEEEE!

I’M THE HEAD OF ACCOUNTS RECEIVABLE!

IT’S PRACTICALLY UNBELIEVABLE!

FORTY THOUSAND A YEAR, WITH BENEFITS!

401K! STOCK OPTIONS! ALL THAT SHIT!

DEEDLE DEE DEEDLE DEE DEEEEEEEEE! WOOOOOOOOOOOO!

8:33 pm - Wed, Aug 15, 2012
1,222 notes
I DON’T WANT TO WAIT!
FOR OUR LIVES TO BE OVER!
I WANT TO KNOW RIGHT NOW WHAT WILL IT BE!
NO, I DON’T WANT TO WAIT! FOR OUR LIVES TO BE OVER!
WILL IT BE YES OR WILL IT BE … SORRY?

I DON’T WANT TO WAIT!

FOR OUR LIVES TO BE OVER!

I WANT TO KNOW RIGHT NOW WHAT WILL IT BE!

NO, I DON’T WANT TO WAIT! FOR OUR LIVES TO BE OVER!

WILL IT BE YES OR WILL IT BE … SORRY?

4:19 pm
2,272 notes
WHAT DO YOU THINK? WENDY’S? BURGER KING? ARBY’S? I’M THINKING ARBY’S.
That is the slogan for Arby’s.
SHIT, YOU’RE RIGHT. WHAT AN EFFECTIVE MARKETING STRATEGY. IT’S WAY BETTER THAN THE WHOLE RALLY’S “YOU GOTTA EAT” THING, WHICH I ALWAYS THOUGHT WAS A STRANGE WAY TO ADVERTISE, CONSIDERING IT IMPLIED THEIR FOOD WAS LESS A PLEASURE PURCHASE AND MORE OF A BIOLOGICAL NECESSITY.
"Rally’s. It’s better than starving."
RIGHT? I MEAN HOW WEIRD IS THAT?
So … Arby’s?
YES. I’M ACTUALLY THINKING ARBY’S.

WHAT DO YOU THINK? WENDY’S? BURGER KING? ARBY’S? I’M THINKING ARBY’S.

That is the slogan for Arby’s.

SHIT, YOU’RE RIGHT. WHAT AN EFFECTIVE MARKETING STRATEGY. IT’S WAY BETTER THAN THE WHOLE RALLY’S “YOU GOTTA EAT” THING, WHICH I ALWAYS THOUGHT WAS A STRANGE WAY TO ADVERTISE, CONSIDERING IT IMPLIED THEIR FOOD WAS LESS A PLEASURE PURCHASE AND MORE OF A BIOLOGICAL NECESSITY.

"Rally’s. It’s better than starving."

RIGHT? I MEAN HOW WEIRD IS THAT?

So … Arby’s?

YES. I’M ACTUALLY THINKING ARBY’S.

9:09 pm - Tue, Aug 14, 2012
765 notes
AH, AGENT GOODFELLOW, HOW NICE OF YOU TO “DROP” IN! (HA HA HA) AS YOU CAN CLEARLY SEE, YOU ARE TOO LATE! MY RAY OF EVIL HAS BEEN ACTIVATED AND VICTORY IS MINE! GAZE UPON MY WORK AND TREMBLE IN FEAR!
IT’S … SO BIG.
CORRECT, AGENT GOODFELLOW. ALTHOUGH THE MACHINE COULD HAVE BEEN MADE TO FIT IN A POCKET AND WOULD STILL FUNCTION AS EFFECTIVELY, IT IS AGAINST THE EVIL SCIENTIST BYLAWS TO DEVELOP A DOOMSDAY LASER THAT IS LESS THAN THREE METERS LONG. THEY’RE VERY SPECIFIC ABOUT THAT. NEVERTHELESS, AS WE SPEAK IT IS ADDING HIGH FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP TO EVERYTHING ITS BEAM CAN REACH! MWUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHHAAHAHAHAH!
[GASP!]

AH, AGENT GOODFELLOW, HOW NICE OF YOU TO “DROP” IN! (HA HA HA) AS YOU CAN CLEARLY SEE, YOU ARE TOO LATE! MY RAY OF EVIL HAS BEEN ACTIVATED AND VICTORY IS MINE! GAZE UPON MY WORK AND TREMBLE IN FEAR!

IT’S … SO BIG.

CORRECT, AGENT GOODFELLOW. ALTHOUGH THE MACHINE COULD HAVE BEEN MADE TO FIT IN A POCKET AND WOULD STILL FUNCTION AS EFFECTIVELY, IT IS AGAINST THE EVIL SCIENTIST BYLAWS TO DEVELOP A DOOMSDAY LASER THAT IS LESS THAN THREE METERS LONG. THEY’RE VERY SPECIFIC ABOUT THAT. NEVERTHELESS, AS WE SPEAK IT IS ADDING HIGH FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP TO EVERYTHING ITS BEAM CAN REACH! MWUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHHAAHAHAHAH!

[GASP!]

4:17 pm
8,719 notes
SHE DOESN’T WANT TO TALK TO YOU, ROB.
SHE DOESN’T WANT TO SEE YOU ANYMORE, AND YOU NEED TO RESPECT THAT.
JUST WALK AWAY, ROB.
DON’T MAKE US DO SOMETHING YOU’LL REGRET.

SHE DOESN’T WANT TO TALK TO YOU, ROB.

SHE DOESN’T WANT TO SEE YOU ANYMORE, AND YOU NEED TO RESPECT THAT.

JUST WALK AWAY, ROB.

DON’T MAKE US DO SOMETHING YOU’LL REGRET.

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