ANIMALS TALKING IN ALL CAPS

WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT. A GIANT CLOUD IN THE SHAPE OF SATAN’S GRINNING FACE, WITH DOLLAR SIGNS FOR EYEBALLS, BLOCKING OUT THE SUN.

KIM AND KANYE MUST BE EXPECTING A BABY.

I MEAN, YOU KNOW ME AND YOU KNOW I’M NOT RACIST BUT I WOULD NEVER LIKE, DATE A MALLARD, RIGHT? IT’S COOL THAT THEY APPRECIATE SOME WOMANLY CURVES BUT I CAN’T HANDLE ALL THE MACHO POSTURING AND THE SEASONAL MIGRATION. HE KEEPS ASKING ME OUT, THOUGH, AND I’M RUNNING OUT OF EXCUSES. 

STOP STARING. KEEP YOUR EYES ON ME. I DON’T WANT HIM COMING OVER HERE. THAT WOULD BE TOTALLY AWKWARD.

WHAT DID YOU GET, SOME SORT OF TARRAGON CHICKEN THING? WITH A LITTLE FRUIT CUP AND A BROWNIE? OH, THAT’S ADORABLE. I GOT A FUCKING PILE OF LETTUCE. IT’S NOT EVEN KALE OR ANYTHING. 

HOW HARD IS IT TO OFFER A PROPER VEGETARIAN OPTION? IT’S 2012 FOR CHRIST’S SAKE. FIRST YOU BASICALLY HAVE TO HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE FINGERED BY THE TSA AND THEN THIS. THEY’D BETTER HAVE A GREAT BOOZE CART.

FASCISTS, MAN. PASSING ALL THEIR LITTLE LAWS. LAYING DOWN THEIR LITTLE RULES. RESTRICTING MY FREEDOMS.

“YOU CAN’T SMOKE POT IN FRONT OF A DAY CARE CENTER.”

“YOU CAN’T ROLL A JOINT AT 7-11.”

“YOU NEED TO GET A JOB IF YOU’RE GOING TO LIVE IN MY HOUSE. AND STOP SMOKING WEED IN THE SHED. YOU’RE 28.”

“DON’T LIGHT THAT RIGHT NEXT TO THE PROPANE TANKS. YOU’LL KILL US ALL.”

I BET YOU DIDN’T TAKE THE POOL INTO ACCOUNT WHEN YOU WERE PLANNING YOUR LITTLE OPPRESSIONS.

IT’S CALLED MARITIME LAW, MY FRIENDS. YOU CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO HERE.

I WILL DESTROY YOU, DAN. YOU HEAR ME? YOU LISTENING? I WILL CRUSH YOUR WORLD. I WILL RAIN DOWN FIRE UPON YOU.

BECAUSE I PUT “LEVEL SIX DONGMASTER” AS YOUR FACEBOOK STATUS WHEN YOU LEFT YOURSELF LOGGED IN LAST WEEK?

SCORCHED EARTH, DAN. DUST AND ASHES.

DO YOU WANT TO GET SOME APPLEBEE’S OR SOMETHING? MAYBE SOME OUTBACK?

I THOUGHT WE WERE SAVING FOR VACATION.

IS A BLOOMIN’ ONION GOING TO DRAIN THE VACATION FUND?

… NO.

EXACTLY. SO LET’S GO GET ONE.

LOOK AT ME. LOOK AT ME IN MY EYES. DO YOU THINK THIS IS A GAME? A SUMMER HOBBY? THIS IS DEADLY SERIOUS BUSINESS AND YOU’RE BEHAVING LIKE AN AMATEUR. A NOBODY. YOU MISSED HALF YOUR CUES ON A ROUTINE WE PRACTICED FOR WEEKS. DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON THE SWIMSUIT DISASTER.

The lights were too bright! I wasn’t prepared for the added pressure of audience scrutiny!

I DON’T HAVE THE WORDS TO EXPRESS MY DISAPPOINTMENT RIGHT NOW.

But I wasn’t-

SHHHHHHH. DON’T TALK. JUST SIT THERE IN YOUR SHAME.

OH, I’M SORRY, LARRY. I THOUGHT THE POINT OF GETTING A HOTEL WITH DELICIOUS BREAKFAST SERVICE, SOME HOT TUBS AND A NICE LITTLE POOL WAS TO USE THOSE AMENITIES TO INCREASE OUR ENJOYMENT SINCE THEY’RE INCLUDED IN THE RENTAL PRICE. FUN DOESN’T COST EXTRA. I DIDN’T REALIZE CHECKING YOUR EMAIL 200 TIMES WAS YOUR IDEA OF A GOOD VACATION OR I’D HAVE JUST BOOKED US A TABLE AT THE COFFEESHOP BY OUR HOUSE.

I’M SERIOUS. STOP TEXTING AND FROLIC WITH ME BEFORE I STRANGLE YOU.

I DON’T UNDERSTAND. I WAS FOLLOWING THE GARMIN. IT SHOULD BE RIGHT HERE.

WERE YOU FOLLOWING YOUR EYES? BECAUSE THIS IS DEFINITELY NOT THE CHEESECAKE FACTORY. WHY DID WE EVEN GET OUT OF THE CAR?

I SPENT LIKE, $200 ON THAT THING.

SERIOUSLY, WHY DID WE GET OUT OF THE CAR?

MAN, THIS IS GOING TO BE SICK. DITCH THESE BRAKES, MAKE IT A FIXIE, SNAG SOME NITTO DROP BARS, ALL SHIMANO COMPONENTS, BROOKS SADDLE, CHRIS KING HEADSET, CLIPLESS PEDALS, MAYBE SOME AEROSPOKES IN A SWEET COLORWAY … I JUST NEED A COUPLE THOUSAND DOLLARS AND I’LL BE SET.

FOR A FUTURE IN COMPETITIVE VELODROME RACING?

NO, TO LIKE … WALK IT TO PARTIES AND STUFF.

SEVEN YOUNG LADIES STAND BEFORE ME … BUT I ONLY HAVE SIX PHOTOS IN MY HANDS.

AND THESE PHOTOS … REPRESENT THE GIRLS … WHO ARE STILL IN THE RUNNING TOWARD BECOMING … AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODEL.

I’M KIDDING, OBVIOUSLY. NONE OF YOU ARE TALL ENOUGH FOR RUNWAY WORK, PLUS I DON’T HAVE HANDS. NOW GET OUT OF HERE AND GO PLAY IN THE YARD. I NEED TO TAKE A LITTLE NAP.

OH MY GOD! WHEN DID YOU GUYS GET A ZARA?

THEY HAVE THE CUTEST TOPS!

CINDY, PLEASE. LISTEN TO ME. I DON’T UNDERSTAND WHY YOU’RE BEING LIKE THIS. WHATEVER YOU HEARD … I DIDN’T DO IT. I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GUYS.

COME ON, COME ON! HUSTLE!

OH MY GOD THIS GAME IS INTENSE. I HAVEN’T BEEN THIS AMPED UP SINCE THAT TIME I DRANK TWO 2 LITERS OF CRYSTAL PEPSI AND WENT TO GO SEE BEL BIV DEVOE.