1:20 pm - Fri, Feb 21, 2014
7,710 notes
DAMN IT, BETH, ARE YOU BLATANTLY PRACTICING THE DARK ARTS  IN PLAIN VIEW OF THE NEIGHBORS? DO YOU WANT TO HAVE TO MOVE AGAIN? 
NO, HONEY. THIS IS JUST YOGA.
THAT’S NOT YOGA, BETH. I KNOW WHAT YOGA LOOKS LIKE.
ASHTANGA, MAYBE, OR HATHA, BUT THIS IS ADVANCED IYENGAR. MY CHAKRAS ARE WIDE OPEN OR WHATEVER.
YOU’RE LEVITATING, BETH, AND THERE ARE OBVIOUS SIGNS OF RITUAL SACRIFICE IN THE GARAGE.
SHHHHHH, HONEY. YOU’RE DISRUPTING MY CHI FLOW.

DAMN IT, BETH, ARE YOU BLATANTLY PRACTICING THE DARK ARTS  IN PLAIN VIEW OF THE NEIGHBORS? DO YOU WANT TO HAVE TO MOVE AGAIN? 

NO, HONEY. THIS IS JUST YOGA.

THAT’S NOT YOGA, BETH. I KNOW WHAT YOGA LOOKS LIKE.

ASHTANGA, MAYBE, OR HATHA, BUT THIS IS ADVANCED IYENGAR. MY CHAKRAS ARE WIDE OPEN OR WHATEVER.

YOU’RE LEVITATING, BETH, AND THERE ARE OBVIOUS SIGNS OF RITUAL SACRIFICE IN THE GARAGE.

SHHHHHH, HONEY. YOU’RE DISRUPTING MY CHI FLOW.

7:07 pm - Thu, Feb 20, 2014
1,407 notes
CINDY, YOU ACTUALLY THINK THIS IS SOMEHOW A ‘ONE SIDED RELATIONSHIP’ AND THAT I ONLY CARE ABOUT MY OWN FEELINGS? HOW DO YOU SUPPOSE IT MAKES ME FEEL TO KNOW THAT THE WOMAN I LOVE THINKS I’M ‘SHALLOW’, AND ‘SELFISH’, AND THAT I EXHIBIT ‘AN ALMOST PATHOLOGICAL COMPULSION TO MAKE MYSELF THE FOCUS OF EVERY DISCUSSION’?
THAT’S SO UNFAIR TO ME. I DON’T DESERVE THAT, AND I’M NOT SURE HOW I’M SUPPOSED TO COPE WITH IT.

CINDY, YOU ACTUALLY THINK THIS IS SOMEHOW A ‘ONE SIDED RELATIONSHIP’ AND THAT I ONLY CARE ABOUT MY OWN FEELINGS? HOW DO YOU SUPPOSE IT MAKES ME FEEL TO KNOW THAT THE WOMAN I LOVE THINKS I’M ‘SHALLOW’, AND ‘SELFISH’, AND THAT I EXHIBIT ‘AN ALMOST PATHOLOGICAL COMPULSION TO MAKE MYSELF THE FOCUS OF EVERY DISCUSSION’?

THAT’S SO UNFAIR TO ME. I DON’T DESERVE THAT, AND I’M NOT SURE HOW I’M SUPPOSED TO COPE WITH IT.

3:13 pm
20,966 notes
MARTY! CARL! SORRY TO BURST IN LIKE THIS BUT I WAS UP ALL NIGHT DOING AN INADVISABLE COMBINATION OF COCAINE AND PCP AND THINKING UP NEW MARKETING STRATEGIES AND I BELIEVE I’VE GOT JUST THE THING TO TURN THIS WHOLE VENTURE AROUND! DO YOU HAVE A MINUTE? AM I INTERRUPTING?

MARTY! CARL! SORRY TO BURST IN LIKE THIS BUT I WAS UP ALL NIGHT DOING AN INADVISABLE COMBINATION OF COCAINE AND PCP AND THINKING UP NEW MARKETING STRATEGIES AND I BELIEVE I’VE GOT JUST THE THING TO TURN THIS WHOLE VENTURE AROUND! DO YOU HAVE A MINUTE? AM I INTERRUPTING?

4:40 pm - Wed, Feb 19, 2014
1,721 notes
BILLY. FOR CHRIST’S SAKE, LOOK AT THIS PLACE. I WORK FIFTY, SIXTY HOURS A WEEK. I WANT TO COME HOME TO A CLEAN TERRARIUM AND INSTEAD IT’S LITTLE BITS OF CRICKETS EVERYWHERE, WHAT LOOKS AND SMELLS LIKE SHIT ON THE HOT STONE, SAND ALL IN THE WATER DISH …
I KNOW THINGS ARE TOUGH WITH YOUR MOM GONE BUT YOU GOTTA START PULLING YOUR WEIGHT AROUND HERE. WE CAN’T LIVE LIKE THIS.

BILLY. FOR CHRIST’S SAKE, LOOK AT THIS PLACE. I WORK FIFTY, SIXTY HOURS A WEEK. I WANT TO COME HOME TO A CLEAN TERRARIUM AND INSTEAD IT’S LITTLE BITS OF CRICKETS EVERYWHERE, WHAT LOOKS AND SMELLS LIKE SHIT ON THE HOT STONE, SAND ALL IN THE WATER DISH …

I KNOW THINGS ARE TOUGH WITH YOUR MOM GONE BUT YOU GOTTA START PULLING YOUR WEIGHT AROUND HERE. WE CAN’T LIVE LIKE THIS.

1:45 pm
4,132 notes
AH, ALICE. THERE YOU ARE. HURRY, WE HAVE PRECIOUS LITTLE TIME. I HAVE MEMORIZED THE SCHEMATICS FOR THE VENTILATION SYSTEM. AS I SUSPECTED THESE DUCTS PRESENT US WITH THE POSSIBILITY OF ESCAPE, BUT ONLY IF WE ACT QUICKLY.

AH, ALICE. THERE YOU ARE. HURRY, WE HAVE PRECIOUS LITTLE TIME. I HAVE MEMORIZED THE SCHEMATICS FOR THE VENTILATION SYSTEM. AS I SUSPECTED THESE DUCTS PRESENT US WITH THE POSSIBILITY OF ESCAPE, BUT ONLY IF WE ACT QUICKLY.

9:11 pm - Mon, Dec 16, 2013
1,172 notes
YOU ALL RIGHT, DAVE?
YEAH. JUST THINKING ABOUT THE ENGAGEMENT RING I BOUGHT FOR TRACY AND HAD DELIVERED VIA SANTAGRAM.
I THOUGHT YOU GUYS JUST MET ON THURSDAY.
RIGHT. THAT’S MOSTLY WHAT I’M THINKING ABOUT. MIGHT HAVE JUMPED THE PROVERBIAL GUN THERE.
I NEVER UNDERSTOOD THAT SAYING.
ME NEITHER.
YOU WANT SOME ALONE TIME?
DOESN’T MATTER. IT’S ALL ‘ALONE TIME’ IN THIS NEW, POST-TRACY WORLD.

YOU ALL RIGHT, DAVE?

YEAH. JUST THINKING ABOUT THE ENGAGEMENT RING I BOUGHT FOR TRACY AND HAD DELIVERED VIA SANTAGRAM.

I THOUGHT YOU GUYS JUST MET ON THURSDAY.

RIGHT. THAT’S MOSTLY WHAT I’M THINKING ABOUT. MIGHT HAVE JUMPED THE PROVERBIAL GUN THERE.

I NEVER UNDERSTOOD THAT SAYING.

ME NEITHER.

YOU WANT SOME ALONE TIME?

DOESN’T MATTER. IT’S ALL ‘ALONE TIME’ IN THIS NEW, POST-TRACY WORLD.

5:10 pm - Tue, Oct 29, 2013
4,804 notes
NO, IT’S FINE. EVERYTHING’S FINE. THEY GAVE ME SOME DEMEROL FOR THE PAIN. AFTER THAT I BEGAN TO SEE THE DELICATE LATTICEWORK OF SUBATOMIC PARTICLES THAT BINDS OUR CONSCIOUSNESS TO THIS TEMPORARY PLANE OF EXISTENCE, AND TO HEAR THE WHISPERS OF THOSE WHO HAVE ESCAPED ITS GRASP.
MY MOUTH IS CRAZY DRY, THOUGH. WOULD YOU BE A PEACH AND GET ME SOME WATER? 

NO, IT’S FINE. EVERYTHING’S FINE. THEY GAVE ME SOME DEMEROL FOR THE PAIN. AFTER THAT I BEGAN TO SEE THE DELICATE LATTICEWORK OF SUBATOMIC PARTICLES THAT BINDS OUR CONSCIOUSNESS TO THIS TEMPORARY PLANE OF EXISTENCE, AND TO HEAR THE WHISPERS OF THOSE WHO HAVE ESCAPED ITS GRASP.

MY MOUTH IS CRAZY DRY, THOUGH. WOULD YOU BE A PEACH AND GET ME SOME WATER? 

5:30 pm - Tue, Sep 17, 2013
2,789 notes
OH MY GOD, YOU TWO, GET A ROOM.
SERIOUSLY, THAT IS SO TACKY.

OH MY GOD, YOU TWO, GET A ROOM.

SERIOUSLY, THAT IS SO TACKY.

2:45 pm
6,611 notes
GOOD MORNING. I HOPE YOU’RE NOT ALARMED BUT MY LOVE FOR YOU HAS BEGUN TO MANIFEST AS A SMALL CLOUD OF SLIGHTLY DIFFUSED LIGHTS THAT HOVER IN THE AIR ABOUT MY BODY. IT APPEARS THEY WILL DANCE WHEN YOU OPEN A TIN OF WHISKAS.
… WOULD YOU LIKE TO MAKE MY LOVE LIGHTS DANCE?

GOOD MORNING. I HOPE YOU’RE NOT ALARMED BUT MY LOVE FOR YOU HAS BEGUN TO MANIFEST AS A SMALL CLOUD OF SLIGHTLY DIFFUSED LIGHTS THAT HOVER IN THE AIR ABOUT MY BODY. IT APPEARS THEY WILL DANCE WHEN YOU OPEN A TIN OF WHISKAS.

… WOULD YOU LIKE TO MAKE MY LOVE LIGHTS DANCE?

5:30 pm - Wed, Sep 11, 2013
12,767 notes
I’M GOING TO RUN TO CVS AND GRAB SOME TRASH BAGS. WE’RE ALMOST OUT. YOU NEED ANYTHING? SOME CIGARETTES? 
WHAT ABOUT Q-TIPS? THEY’RE HAVING A SALE ON Q-TIPS.

I’M GOING TO RUN TO CVS AND GRAB SOME TRASH BAGS. WE’RE ALMOST OUT. YOU NEED ANYTHING? SOME CIGARETTES? 

WHAT ABOUT Q-TIPS? THEY’RE HAVING A SALE ON Q-TIPS.

2:45 pm
27,067 notes
CHIN SKYWARD, FAITHFUL COMPANION! TODAY IS A DAY OF GLORY! A CELEBRATION OF YOUR PHYSICAL PROWESS AND INBORN GRACE! AND YET YOU SEEM GLUM!
… I’M FINE. I’M JUST TIRED.
COME NOW, DON’T MAKE ME SAY IT.
DON’T SAY IT. I JUST NEED SOME TEA, THAT’S ALL.
I DON’T FIND MYSELF CONVINCED. SO … WHY THE-
DON’T SAY IT.
YES, BUT WHY THE-
KNOCK IT OFF, GEORGE.
WHY THE LONG FACE, OLD FRIEND?  WHY THE LONG FACE! AH HA HA HA! OHHHHHH! OH MY. OH MY, YES. DO YOU GET IT? DO YOU?
I GET IT, GEORGE.
YOUR FACE, STRUCTURALLY, IS QUITE-
I GET IT, GEORGE.

CHIN SKYWARD, FAITHFUL COMPANION! TODAY IS A DAY OF GLORY! A CELEBRATION OF YOUR PHYSICAL PROWESS AND INBORN GRACE! AND YET YOU SEEM GLUM!

… I’M FINE. I’M JUST TIRED.

COME NOW, DON’T MAKE ME SAY IT.

DON’T SAY IT. I JUST NEED SOME TEA, THAT’S ALL.

I DON’T FIND MYSELF CONVINCED. SO … WHY THE-

DON’T SAY IT.

YES, BUT WHY THE-

KNOCK IT OFF, GEORGE.

WHY THE LONG FACE, OLD FRIEND?  WHY THE LONG FACE! AH HA HA HA! OHHHHHH! OH MY. OH MY, YES. DO YOU GET IT? DO YOU?

I GET IT, GEORGE.

YOUR FACE, STRUCTURALLY, IS QUITE-

I GET IT, GEORGE.

2:45 pm - Mon, Sep 9, 2013
1,788 notes
WHOA, CALM DOWN. WHAT HAPPENED?
OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH, IT WAS THE MOST HORRIBLE THING! I THINK I’M LITERALLY DYING! OH GOD!
JESUS, ARE YOU HURT? WAS IT HUNTERS? HAVE YOU BEEN SHOT?
NO, I READ AN ARTICLE ABOUT FACTORY FARMING! THOSE POOR PIGS!
… ARE YOU SERIOUS?
I THINK I’M HAVING A PANIC ATTACK!

WHOA, CALM DOWN. WHAT HAPPENED?

OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH, IT WAS THE MOST HORRIBLE THING! I THINK I’M LITERALLY DYING! OH GOD!

JESUS, ARE YOU HURT? WAS IT HUNTERS? HAVE YOU BEEN SHOT?

NO, I READ AN ARTICLE ABOUT FACTORY FARMING! THOSE POOR PIGS!

… ARE YOU SERIOUS?

I THINK I’M HAVING A PANIC ATTACK!

5:31 pm - Sun, Sep 8, 2013
3,984 notes
ANTHONY! TAKE YOUR SHOES OFF! THAT’S BERBER CARPETING! WHAT IN THE DEVIL ARE YOU THINKING?
WE DO NOT WEAR OUR TOPSIDERS IN THE HOUSE, ANTHONY. ONLY ON THE BOAT.
HONESTLY! HOW GAUCHE!

ANTHONY! TAKE YOUR SHOES OFF! THAT’S BERBER CARPETING! WHAT IN THE DEVIL ARE YOU THINKING?

WE DO NOT WEAR OUR TOPSIDERS IN THE HOUSE, ANTHONY. ONLY ON THE BOAT.

HONESTLY! HOW GAUCHE!

5:31 pm - Sat, Sep 7, 2013
3,205 notes
ALL OF THE SLUDS AND HOARS ON THIS TUMBLRS MAKING ME SAD FOR EMERICAS YOUTH.
WHY YOU SO SLUDDY AND HOARY?
PUT ON MORE CLOSE! STOP PLAYING WITH YOUR TIDDIES AND PENUSES BEFOAR YOU CATCH A DISESE.
WHAT WOULD PARENS THINK? TEARS! ALL OF TEARS!
FOR ANYTHING YOU DO THE NOOD FOTOS AND NO REASONS!
“I LIKE BAND ONE DIRECTION. LOOK AT MY BUBES.”
“I WATCH BEE BEE SEE MOVIE SHOW SHERLOCK. HEAR IS MY TESSACLES IN DIRTY BEDSROOM.”
GOD CAN SEE YOUR BUBES! HE IS MAD AT THEM! STOP BEING SO NAKID! PUT YOUR GIANT WEENERS AWAY FROM CAMERAS AND GO CHURCH!

ALL OF THE SLUDS AND HOARS ON THIS TUMBLRS MAKING ME SAD FOR EMERICAS YOUTH.

WHY YOU SO SLUDDY AND HOARY?

PUT ON MORE CLOSE! STOP PLAYING WITH YOUR TIDDIES AND PENUSES BEFOAR YOU CATCH A DISESE.

WHAT WOULD PARENS THINK? TEARS! ALL OF TEARS!

FOR ANYTHING YOU DO THE NOOD FOTOS AND NO REASONS!

“I LIKE BAND ONE DIRECTION. LOOK AT MY BUBES.”

“I WATCH BEE BEE SEE MOVIE SHOW SHERLOCK. HEAR IS MY TESSACLES IN DIRTY BEDSROOM.”

GOD CAN SEE YOUR BUBES! HE IS MAD AT THEM! STOP BEING SO NAKID! PUT YOUR GIANT WEENERS AWAY FROM CAMERAS AND GO CHURCH!

1:14 pm - Thu, Sep 5, 2013
2,754 notes
BY ALL THE GODS, WHAT IS THAT STRUCTURE? IT’S MESMERIZING. LOOK AT THAT INVITING, CENTRAL STONE FIREPIT, HOUSED BY ADOBE-ESQUE TAN BRICK WALLS. GAZE UPON THE GENTLE SLOPE OF THE RED CLAY TILE ROOF AND THE SOFT CURVES OF THE SIMPLE, MISSION-STYLE BELL THAT TOLLS NOT LOUDLY IN THE STILL SUMMER AIR BUT INSIDE YOUR HEART, PROMISING YOU RELIEF. AFFORDABLE, DELICIOUS RELIEF FROM ALL YOUR WOES.
PULL INTO THIS “TACO BELL” CARL. I WISH TO KNOW ITS SECRETS.

BY ALL THE GODS, WHAT IS THAT STRUCTURE? IT’S MESMERIZING. LOOK AT THAT INVITING, CENTRAL STONE FIREPIT, HOUSED BY ADOBE-ESQUE TAN BRICK WALLS. GAZE UPON THE GENTLE SLOPE OF THE RED CLAY TILE ROOF AND THE SOFT CURVES OF THE SIMPLE, MISSION-STYLE BELL THAT TOLLS NOT LOUDLY IN THE STILL SUMMER AIR BUT INSIDE YOUR HEART, PROMISING YOU RELIEF. AFFORDABLE, DELICIOUS RELIEF FROM ALL YOUR WOES.

PULL INTO THIS “TACO BELL” CARL. I WISH TO KNOW ITS SECRETS.

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