6:30 pm - Tue, Feb 25, 2014
1,254 notes
AND BILLY WAS LIKE, HEY MARTY, YOU LOOK TIRED, RIGHT? AND I WAS ALL LIKE, YEAH, I GUESS I AM OR WHATEVER. SO HE ASKS ME IF I WANT A BUMP AND I’M ALL, A BUMP? WHAT’S A BUMP? NINE HOURS LATER AND WE’RE ON THE ROOF THROWING OFFICE CHAIRS FORTY STORIES ONTO CABS AND SHIT. AND THAT WAS JUST THE FIRST NIGHT. I WAS LIKE THAT FOR TWO YEARS BEFORE I HAD THE HEART ATTACK. I GOT TWO PROMOTIONS. ONE DIVORCE. NOWADAYS I DON’T TOUCH ANYTHING STRONGER THAN CAFFEINE, BUT IF YOU’D SEEN ME BACK THEN, FORGET ABOUT IT. I HAD TO GET OUT OF SALES ALTOGETHER. TOO MUCH PRESSURE. NOWADAYS I LIVE BEHIND A 7-11 DUMPSTER WITH A COUPLE OF PALS. IT’S SUPER LOW-KEY, AND YOU CAN’T BEAT THE RENT. SAY, YOU GOT A CIGARETTE? I COULD REALLY GO FOR A CIGARETTE RIGHT ABOUT NOW.

AND BILLY WAS LIKE, HEY MARTY, YOU LOOK TIRED, RIGHT? AND I WAS ALL LIKE, YEAH, I GUESS I AM OR WHATEVER. SO HE ASKS ME IF I WANT A BUMP AND I’M ALL, A BUMP? WHAT’S A BUMP? NINE HOURS LATER AND WE’RE ON THE ROOF THROWING OFFICE CHAIRS FORTY STORIES ONTO CABS AND SHIT. AND THAT WAS JUST THE FIRST NIGHT. I WAS LIKE THAT FOR TWO YEARS BEFORE I HAD THE HEART ATTACK. I GOT TWO PROMOTIONS. ONE DIVORCE. NOWADAYS I DON’T TOUCH ANYTHING STRONGER THAN CAFFEINE, BUT IF YOU’D SEEN ME BACK THEN, FORGET ABOUT IT. I HAD TO GET OUT OF SALES ALTOGETHER. TOO MUCH PRESSURE. NOWADAYS I LIVE BEHIND A 7-11 DUMPSTER WITH A COUPLE OF PALS. IT’S SUPER LOW-KEY, AND YOU CAN’T BEAT THE RENT. SAY, YOU GOT A CIGARETTE? I COULD REALLY GO FOR A CIGARETTE RIGHT ABOUT NOW.

2:50 pm
9,297 notes
I GOT A BOX LOT OF OLD URBAN DECAY NAIL POLISH ON EBAY. THE PRICE WAS INSANE BUT RIGHT NOW I’M DOING THIS KIND OF ASPHALT BASE COAT WITH BRUISE SPONGED ON THE TIPS AND IT LOOKS ABSOLUTELY AMAZING.
WHAT DID YOU SAY, HONEY?
NOTHING, JEFF. I’M ON MY BLUETOOTH! SHELLY, DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN WE USED TO HAVE TO HOLD THE CORDLESS IN THE CROOK OF OUR SHOULDER THE ENTIRE TIME OUR NAILS WERE DRYING? I MEAN, SERIOUSLY, HOW DID WE LIVE?

I GOT A BOX LOT OF OLD URBAN DECAY NAIL POLISH ON EBAY. THE PRICE WAS INSANE BUT RIGHT NOW I’M DOING THIS KIND OF ASPHALT BASE COAT WITH BRUISE SPONGED ON THE TIPS AND IT LOOKS ABSOLUTELY AMAZING.

WHAT DID YOU SAY, HONEY?

NOTHING, JEFF. I’M ON MY BLUETOOTH! SHELLY, DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN WE USED TO HAVE TO HOLD THE CORDLESS IN THE CROOK OF OUR SHOULDER THE ENTIRE TIME OUR NAILS WERE DRYING? I MEAN, SERIOUSLY, HOW DID WE LIVE?

7:20 pm - Mon, Feb 24, 2014
4,228 notes
HEY, MOM?
I’VE BEEN WATCHING A LOT OF MOVIES AND IT TURNS OUT EVERYONE IS BASICALLY SUPPOSED TO IGNORE THEIR PARENTS FOR A SOLID FIVE OR SIX YEARS WHILE THEY DO ALL KINDS OF ILLEGAL SUBSTANCES AND EXPLORE A WIDE VARIETY OF SEXUAL SCENARIOS BEFORE FINALLY EMERGING AS NASCENT ADULTS, WHEREUPON THEY QUICKLY COME TO REALIZE ALL THEIR PARENTS’ ADVICE AND WARNINGS WERE VALID BUT ULTIMATELY USELESS IN THE FACE OF A DOGGED DETERMINATION TO SELF-ACTUALIZE, LEADING TO AN EARNEST APOLOGY AND A HARD-EARNED RESPECT BETWEEN PSEUDO-EQUALS THAT DEEPENS AND BECOMES THE MATURE FAMILIAL BOND.
SO I’M GOING TO BORROW THE CAR AND A COUPLE PACKS OF CIGARETTES AND FUCK OFF FOR LIKE, HALF A DECADE.
I LOVE YOU, THOUGH. AND DON’T WORRY, WE’LL GET THROUGH THIS.

HEY, MOM?

I’VE BEEN WATCHING A LOT OF MOVIES AND IT TURNS OUT EVERYONE IS BASICALLY SUPPOSED TO IGNORE THEIR PARENTS FOR A SOLID FIVE OR SIX YEARS WHILE THEY DO ALL KINDS OF ILLEGAL SUBSTANCES AND EXPLORE A WIDE VARIETY OF SEXUAL SCENARIOS BEFORE FINALLY EMERGING AS NASCENT ADULTS, WHEREUPON THEY QUICKLY COME TO REALIZE ALL THEIR PARENTS’ ADVICE AND WARNINGS WERE VALID BUT ULTIMATELY USELESS IN THE FACE OF A DOGGED DETERMINATION TO SELF-ACTUALIZE, LEADING TO AN EARNEST APOLOGY AND A HARD-EARNED RESPECT BETWEEN PSEUDO-EQUALS THAT DEEPENS AND BECOMES THE MATURE FAMILIAL BOND.

SO I’M GOING TO BORROW THE CAR AND A COUPLE PACKS OF CIGARETTES AND FUCK OFF FOR LIKE, HALF A DECADE.

I LOVE YOU, THOUGH. AND DON’T WORRY, WE’LL GET THROUGH THIS.

3:54 pm
1,065 notes
BILL, THERE YOU ARE. I’VE BEEN LOOKING ALL OVER FOR YOU. JUST KIDDING, OF COURSE. EVER SINCE YOU FUSED WITH YOUR DESK CHAIR AFTER A STAGGERING AMOUNT OF OVERTIME AND HAD TO BE ENCASED IN A NUTRIENT-RICH JELLY SUBSTANCE TO MAINTAIN YOUR BASIC BODY FUNCTIONS YOU HAVEN’T BEEN ABLE TO LEAVE THE OFFICE.
THAT’S ACTUALLY WHAT I’M HERE TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT, BILL. I’M SURE YOU’VE NOTICED WE’VE BEEN MAKING SOME CUTBACKS RECENTLY, AND I PROBABLY DON’T NEED TO TELL YOU THAT A JELLY TANK COSTS THE COMPANY A PRETTY PENNY IN UPKEEP AND MAINTENANCE.
IT’S NOTHING PERSONAL, BILL. YOU’RE A GOOD WORKER. EVERYONE CAN SEE THAT. IT’S JUST A NUMBERS THING.

BILL, THERE YOU ARE. I’VE BEEN LOOKING ALL OVER FOR YOU. JUST KIDDING, OF COURSE. EVER SINCE YOU FUSED WITH YOUR DESK CHAIR AFTER A STAGGERING AMOUNT OF OVERTIME AND HAD TO BE ENCASED IN A NUTRIENT-RICH JELLY SUBSTANCE TO MAINTAIN YOUR BASIC BODY FUNCTIONS YOU HAVEN’T BEEN ABLE TO LEAVE THE OFFICE.

THAT’S ACTUALLY WHAT I’M HERE TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT, BILL. I’M SURE YOU’VE NOTICED WE’VE BEEN MAKING SOME CUTBACKS RECENTLY, AND I PROBABLY DON’T NEED TO TELL YOU THAT A JELLY TANK COSTS THE COMPANY A PRETTY PENNY IN UPKEEP AND MAINTENANCE.

IT’S NOTHING PERSONAL, BILL. YOU’RE A GOOD WORKER. EVERYONE CAN SEE THAT. IT’S JUST A NUMBERS THING.

1:20 pm - Fri, Feb 21, 2014
7,808 notes
DAMN IT, BETH, ARE YOU BLATANTLY PRACTICING THE DARK ARTS  IN PLAIN VIEW OF THE NEIGHBORS? DO YOU WANT TO HAVE TO MOVE AGAIN? 
NO, HONEY. THIS IS JUST YOGA.
THAT’S NOT YOGA, BETH. I KNOW WHAT YOGA LOOKS LIKE.
ASHTANGA, MAYBE, OR HATHA, BUT THIS IS ADVANCED IYENGAR. MY CHAKRAS ARE WIDE OPEN OR WHATEVER.
YOU’RE LEVITATING, BETH, AND THERE ARE OBVIOUS SIGNS OF RITUAL SACRIFICE IN THE GARAGE.
SHHHHHH, HONEY. YOU’RE DISRUPTING MY CHI FLOW.

DAMN IT, BETH, ARE YOU BLATANTLY PRACTICING THE DARK ARTS  IN PLAIN VIEW OF THE NEIGHBORS? DO YOU WANT TO HAVE TO MOVE AGAIN? 

NO, HONEY. THIS IS JUST YOGA.

THAT’S NOT YOGA, BETH. I KNOW WHAT YOGA LOOKS LIKE.

ASHTANGA, MAYBE, OR HATHA, BUT THIS IS ADVANCED IYENGAR. MY CHAKRAS ARE WIDE OPEN OR WHATEVER.

YOU’RE LEVITATING, BETH, AND THERE ARE OBVIOUS SIGNS OF RITUAL SACRIFICE IN THE GARAGE.

SHHHHHH, HONEY. YOU’RE DISRUPTING MY CHI FLOW.

7:07 pm - Thu, Feb 20, 2014
1,430 notes
CINDY, YOU ACTUALLY THINK THIS IS SOMEHOW A ‘ONE SIDED RELATIONSHIP’ AND THAT I ONLY CARE ABOUT MY OWN FEELINGS? HOW DO YOU SUPPOSE IT MAKES ME FEEL TO KNOW THAT THE WOMAN I LOVE THINKS I’M ‘SHALLOW’, AND ‘SELFISH’, AND THAT I EXHIBIT ‘AN ALMOST PATHOLOGICAL COMPULSION TO MAKE MYSELF THE FOCUS OF EVERY DISCUSSION’?
THAT’S SO UNFAIR TO ME. I DON’T DESERVE THAT, AND I’M NOT SURE HOW I’M SUPPOSED TO COPE WITH IT.

CINDY, YOU ACTUALLY THINK THIS IS SOMEHOW A ‘ONE SIDED RELATIONSHIP’ AND THAT I ONLY CARE ABOUT MY OWN FEELINGS? HOW DO YOU SUPPOSE IT MAKES ME FEEL TO KNOW THAT THE WOMAN I LOVE THINKS I’M ‘SHALLOW’, AND ‘SELFISH’, AND THAT I EXHIBIT ‘AN ALMOST PATHOLOGICAL COMPULSION TO MAKE MYSELF THE FOCUS OF EVERY DISCUSSION’?

THAT’S SO UNFAIR TO ME. I DON’T DESERVE THAT, AND I’M NOT SURE HOW I’M SUPPOSED TO COPE WITH IT.

3:13 pm
21,283 notes
MARTY! CARL! SORRY TO BURST IN LIKE THIS BUT I WAS UP ALL NIGHT DOING AN INADVISABLE COMBINATION OF COCAINE AND PCP AND THINKING UP NEW MARKETING STRATEGIES AND I BELIEVE I’VE GOT JUST THE THING TO TURN THIS WHOLE VENTURE AROUND! DO YOU HAVE A MINUTE? AM I INTERRUPTING?

MARTY! CARL! SORRY TO BURST IN LIKE THIS BUT I WAS UP ALL NIGHT DOING AN INADVISABLE COMBINATION OF COCAINE AND PCP AND THINKING UP NEW MARKETING STRATEGIES AND I BELIEVE I’VE GOT JUST THE THING TO TURN THIS WHOLE VENTURE AROUND! DO YOU HAVE A MINUTE? AM I INTERRUPTING?

4:40 pm - Wed, Feb 19, 2014
1,747 notes
BILLY. FOR CHRIST’S SAKE, LOOK AT THIS PLACE. I WORK FIFTY, SIXTY HOURS A WEEK. I WANT TO COME HOME TO A CLEAN TERRARIUM AND INSTEAD IT’S LITTLE BITS OF CRICKETS EVERYWHERE, WHAT LOOKS AND SMELLS LIKE SHIT ON THE HOT STONE, SAND ALL IN THE WATER DISH …
I KNOW THINGS ARE TOUGH WITH YOUR MOM GONE BUT YOU GOTTA START PULLING YOUR WEIGHT AROUND HERE. WE CAN’T LIVE LIKE THIS.

BILLY. FOR CHRIST’S SAKE, LOOK AT THIS PLACE. I WORK FIFTY, SIXTY HOURS A WEEK. I WANT TO COME HOME TO A CLEAN TERRARIUM AND INSTEAD IT’S LITTLE BITS OF CRICKETS EVERYWHERE, WHAT LOOKS AND SMELLS LIKE SHIT ON THE HOT STONE, SAND ALL IN THE WATER DISH …

I KNOW THINGS ARE TOUGH WITH YOUR MOM GONE BUT YOU GOTTA START PULLING YOUR WEIGHT AROUND HERE. WE CAN’T LIVE LIKE THIS.

1:45 pm
4,227 notes
AH, ALICE. THERE YOU ARE. HURRY, WE HAVE PRECIOUS LITTLE TIME. I HAVE MEMORIZED THE SCHEMATICS FOR THE VENTILATION SYSTEM. AS I SUSPECTED THESE DUCTS PRESENT US WITH THE POSSIBILITY OF ESCAPE, BUT ONLY IF WE ACT QUICKLY.

AH, ALICE. THERE YOU ARE. HURRY, WE HAVE PRECIOUS LITTLE TIME. I HAVE MEMORIZED THE SCHEMATICS FOR THE VENTILATION SYSTEM. AS I SUSPECTED THESE DUCTS PRESENT US WITH THE POSSIBILITY OF ESCAPE, BUT ONLY IF WE ACT QUICKLY.

9:11 pm - Mon, Dec 16, 2013
1,179 notes
YOU ALL RIGHT, DAVE?
YEAH. JUST THINKING ABOUT THE ENGAGEMENT RING I BOUGHT FOR TRACY AND HAD DELIVERED VIA SANTAGRAM.
I THOUGHT YOU GUYS JUST MET ON THURSDAY.
RIGHT. THAT’S MOSTLY WHAT I’M THINKING ABOUT. MIGHT HAVE JUMPED THE PROVERBIAL GUN THERE.
I NEVER UNDERSTOOD THAT SAYING.
ME NEITHER.
YOU WANT SOME ALONE TIME?
DOESN’T MATTER. IT’S ALL ‘ALONE TIME’ IN THIS NEW, POST-TRACY WORLD.

YOU ALL RIGHT, DAVE?

YEAH. JUST THINKING ABOUT THE ENGAGEMENT RING I BOUGHT FOR TRACY AND HAD DELIVERED VIA SANTAGRAM.

I THOUGHT YOU GUYS JUST MET ON THURSDAY.

RIGHT. THAT’S MOSTLY WHAT I’M THINKING ABOUT. MIGHT HAVE JUMPED THE PROVERBIAL GUN THERE.

I NEVER UNDERSTOOD THAT SAYING.

ME NEITHER.

YOU WANT SOME ALONE TIME?

DOESN’T MATTER. IT’S ALL ‘ALONE TIME’ IN THIS NEW, POST-TRACY WORLD.

5:10 pm - Tue, Oct 29, 2013
4,893 notes
NO, IT’S FINE. EVERYTHING’S FINE. THEY GAVE ME SOME DEMEROL FOR THE PAIN. AFTER THAT I BEGAN TO SEE THE DELICATE LATTICEWORK OF SUBATOMIC PARTICLES THAT BINDS OUR CONSCIOUSNESS TO THIS TEMPORARY PLANE OF EXISTENCE, AND TO HEAR THE WHISPERS OF THOSE WHO HAVE ESCAPED ITS GRASP.
MY MOUTH IS CRAZY DRY, THOUGH. WOULD YOU BE A PEACH AND GET ME SOME WATER? 

NO, IT’S FINE. EVERYTHING’S FINE. THEY GAVE ME SOME DEMEROL FOR THE PAIN. AFTER THAT I BEGAN TO SEE THE DELICATE LATTICEWORK OF SUBATOMIC PARTICLES THAT BINDS OUR CONSCIOUSNESS TO THIS TEMPORARY PLANE OF EXISTENCE, AND TO HEAR THE WHISPERS OF THOSE WHO HAVE ESCAPED ITS GRASP.

MY MOUTH IS CRAZY DRY, THOUGH. WOULD YOU BE A PEACH AND GET ME SOME WATER? 

5:30 pm - Tue, Sep 17, 2013
2,824 notes
OH MY GOD, YOU TWO, GET A ROOM.
SERIOUSLY, THAT IS SO TACKY.

OH MY GOD, YOU TWO, GET A ROOM.

SERIOUSLY, THAT IS SO TACKY.

2:45 pm
6,678 notes
GOOD MORNING. I HOPE YOU’RE NOT ALARMED BUT MY LOVE FOR YOU HAS BEGUN TO MANIFEST AS A SMALL CLOUD OF SLIGHTLY DIFFUSED LIGHTS THAT HOVER IN THE AIR ABOUT MY BODY. IT APPEARS THEY WILL DANCE WHEN YOU OPEN A TIN OF WHISKAS.
… WOULD YOU LIKE TO MAKE MY LOVE LIGHTS DANCE?

GOOD MORNING. I HOPE YOU’RE NOT ALARMED BUT MY LOVE FOR YOU HAS BEGUN TO MANIFEST AS A SMALL CLOUD OF SLIGHTLY DIFFUSED LIGHTS THAT HOVER IN THE AIR ABOUT MY BODY. IT APPEARS THEY WILL DANCE WHEN YOU OPEN A TIN OF WHISKAS.

… WOULD YOU LIKE TO MAKE MY LOVE LIGHTS DANCE?

5:30 pm - Wed, Sep 11, 2013
12,961 notes
I’M GOING TO RUN TO CVS AND GRAB SOME TRASH BAGS. WE’RE ALMOST OUT. YOU NEED ANYTHING? SOME CIGARETTES? 
WHAT ABOUT Q-TIPS? THEY’RE HAVING A SALE ON Q-TIPS.

I’M GOING TO RUN TO CVS AND GRAB SOME TRASH BAGS. WE’RE ALMOST OUT. YOU NEED ANYTHING? SOME CIGARETTES? 

WHAT ABOUT Q-TIPS? THEY’RE HAVING A SALE ON Q-TIPS.

2:45 pm
43,301 notes
CHIN SKYWARD, FAITHFUL COMPANION! TODAY IS A DAY OF GLORY! A CELEBRATION OF YOUR PHYSICAL PROWESS AND INBORN GRACE! AND YET YOU SEEM GLUM!
… I’M FINE. I’M JUST TIRED.
COME NOW, DON’T MAKE ME SAY IT.
DON’T SAY IT. I JUST NEED SOME TEA, THAT’S ALL.
I DON’T FIND MYSELF CONVINCED. SO … WHY THE-
DON’T SAY IT.
YES, BUT WHY THE-
KNOCK IT OFF, GEORGE.
WHY THE LONG FACE, OLD FRIEND?  WHY THE LONG FACE! AH HA HA HA! OHHHHHH! OH MY. OH MY, YES. DO YOU GET IT? DO YOU?
I GET IT, GEORGE.
YOUR FACE, STRUCTURALLY, IS QUITE-
I GET IT, GEORGE.

CHIN SKYWARD, FAITHFUL COMPANION! TODAY IS A DAY OF GLORY! A CELEBRATION OF YOUR PHYSICAL PROWESS AND INBORN GRACE! AND YET YOU SEEM GLUM!

… I’M FINE. I’M JUST TIRED.

COME NOW, DON’T MAKE ME SAY IT.

DON’T SAY IT. I JUST NEED SOME TEA, THAT’S ALL.

I DON’T FIND MYSELF CONVINCED. SO … WHY THE-

DON’T SAY IT.

YES, BUT WHY THE-

KNOCK IT OFF, GEORGE.

WHY THE LONG FACE, OLD FRIEND?  WHY THE LONG FACE! AH HA HA HA! OHHHHHH! OH MY. OH MY, YES. DO YOU GET IT? DO YOU?

I GET IT, GEORGE.

YOUR FACE, STRUCTURALLY, IS QUITE-

I GET IT, GEORGE.

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