TODAY’S THE DAY. THIS RIGHT HERE IS THE TIME. CARPE-ING THAT DIEM. YES INDEED. NO LONGER WILL I LANGUISH IN THE ICY SHADOWS OF A LOVE UNSPOKEN, PINING FOR THE GENTLE TOUCH OF MY OBJET D’AMOUR. NO, THIS IS MY MOMENT. I AM GOING TO MARCH RIGHT UP TO MISS PATRICA WHISKERFRITZ, THE GIRL OF MY DREAMS AND ANNOUNCE IN A BOLD, FIRM VOICE, “PATRICIA! I HAVE LOVED YOU SINCE WE WERE CUBS! YOU ARE-“
THAT’S … UNFORTUNATE.
MIGHT HAVE TO UPDATE MY SPEECH.
“PATRICIA, I SEE YOU ARE ENGAGED IN SOME RATHER SERIOUS HEAVY PETTING WITH CHAD FURBISH, JOCK EXTRAORDINAIRE, UP AGAINST THE VERY SAME TREE I GNAWED OUR INITIALS INTO JUST LAST WEEK. AND DON’T YOU TWO LOOK TO BE HAVING A LOVELY TIME. SO SORRY TO BOTHER YOU. CARRY ON.”
MAYBE I CAN THROW IN A “HEY, CHAD. HOW’S IT HANGING? YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY MUCH BETTER AT DIEM CARPE-ING THAN ME. TRY NOT TO GET LITTLE BITS OF MUD AND BARK ALL OVER MY SHATTERED DREAMS.”
… PLEASE LET ME GO BLIND RIGHT NOW.
HEY, CAN YOU MAKE ME ONE OF THOSE THINGS YOU DRINK WHENEVER YOU THINK ABOUT KEVIN AND HOW HE LEFT YOU FOR THAT STEWARDESS?
MIGHT AS WELL MAKE ONE FOR YOURSELF SINCE I JUST SAID THAT.
LONG DAY, YOU KNOW? I WAS JUST GOING TO HAVE A NICE, QUIET NAP FOR TEN OR TWELVE HOURS BUT THEN I FOUND AN OLD CRUMPLED UP RECEIPT YOU DROPPED AND I SMACKED IT AROUND FOR LIKE AN HOUR AND A HALF. WORE ME RIGHT OUT.
MARY! MARY, COME QUICK! I NEED YOUR HELP! I’M HAVING SOME KIND OF ALLERGIC REACTION! MY FACE IS NUMB, AND I HAVE AN OVERWHELMING URGE TO DANCE TO PAINFULLY MEDIOCRE POP HITS! WHAT WAS IN THOSE MARGARITAS?
TEQUILA, TED. YOU’LL BE FINE. THAT’S JUST WHAT TEQUILA DOES.
OH GOD I’M SWEATY ALL OVER! EVERYTHING’S WIGGLY!
IT’S OKAY, TED. DO YOU WANT ME TO GO GET YOUR NOW! THAT’S WHAT I CALL MUSIC VOL. 44 CD OUT OF THE CAR?
YES! YES, MORE THAN ANYTHING! I NEED THOSE JAMS!
AFTER YOU BECOME A LEVEL EIGHT RAW VEGAN YOU CAN ASK THE ELDERS FOR ACCESS TO THE ORIGINAL WHOLE FOODS. ONCE INSIDE YOU CAN ALIGN THE RUNESTONES AND SCALLIONS TO SUMMON THE TRANSFORMING SPIRITS OF ANCIENT LOCAVORES.
IT’S ALL PRETTY ADVANCED STUFF. YOU ARE QUITE NEW TO OUR WAYS. FOR NOW YOU SHOULD PROBABLY JUST CONCENTRATE ON BUYING FAIR-TRADE AND REDUCING YOUR GLUTEN INTAKE.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
MY AVIAN STUDIES PROFESSOR SAYS IT’S OPPRESSIVE TO MARGINALIZED FLOCKS FOR US TO MONOPOLIZE CRUMB RESOURCES. PLUS, I DON’T KNOW, YOU KNOW? IT’S JUST LIKE … IS THIS A HEALTHY LIFESTYLE? SHOULD WE MAYBE HAVE OTHER INTERESTS? AND THIS HAS CHEESE ON IT. DO I LIKE CHEESE? DO I REALLY? OR HAVE I BEEN CONDITIONED TO LIKE IT BY SOCIETAL PRESSURES?
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? IT’S FOOD! WE SPEND TWENTY HOURS A DAY WALKING AROUND LOOKING FOR MINISCULE BITS OF FOOD! JUST EAT IT!
BUT I’M NOT EVEN HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
WHAT DO YOU WANT? LEAVE ME ALONE. I NEED TIME TO CONTEMPLATE THE TURBULENT WATERS OF MY VAST INNER OCEAN OF DESPAIR AND ENNUI!
DANIEL, COME OUT OF THERE. WE MEAN IT. THIS HAS GONE ON LONG ENOUGH. AND DID YOU TAKE ALL OUR CANDLES? I CAN’T FIND THEM ANYWHERE.
WE’RE NOT SURE WHAT’S GOTTEN INTO YOU, SON, BUT YOU CAN’T SLEEP HALF THE DAY AWAY AND HANG OUT ALL NIGHT LISTENING TO ALL THAT CLANKING AND WAILING. IT’S NOT HEALTHY.
IT’S JOY DIVISION, DAD, AND IT SPEAKS TO THE TUMULTUOUS NATURE OF MY ADOLESCENT LONGINGS! NOW GO AWAY! I’M WORKING ON MY POETRY!
HUSH YOU, MAMA. STOP CRYING OF TEARS. IS GOOD THING I MEET BOY. STILL I HAVE LOVE FOR YOU, BUT I WISH MAKE STRONG BABIES FOR PLOW FIELDS. IS HARD WORK, FIELDS. ALL DAY I DO.
I COME HOME IN MORNING. BELLY MAYBE FULL OF BABIES. THEN WE MAKE FUN DAY TOGETHER. WE GO MARKET AND BUY POTATO.
OH HEY, GIRL. YOU ON YOUR WAY TO WORK? YEAH, TELL ME ABOUT IT. I WORKED DOUBLES ALL WEEKEND. NO REST FOR THE WICKED, THOUGH. I HAVE TO BE AT THE PILATES STUDIO IN LIKE, 20 MINUTES. I JUST POPPED HOME FOR A QUICK POWER COSMO AND A SPEED TINKLE.
IT WAS NICE RUNNING INTO YOU. WE LIVE TOGETHER, BUT I SWEAR TO GOD I SEE MY THERAPIST MORE THAN I SEE YOU. YOU’RE LIKE THE INVISIBLE ROOMMATE. ANYWAY, HAVE FUN AT THE OFFICE. YOUR HAIR LOOKS SUPER CUTE TODAY.
ATIAC will return on Monday, February 4th because I am a huge nervous wreck and I can’t concentrate.
For those of you that don’t know, I’ve been sitting here for almost two months waiting to hear back from the UK Border Agency regarding the status of my visa application, which will determine if I can finally live on the same continent as my wife, who I love more than coffee and/or bourbon and/or life. Hopefully the answer comes this week. I don’t know if you can conceive of spending your life savings to ask permission to be with the person you married and then just kind of cooling your heels for sixty days while they mull it over but I have an ulcer and I spend most of my days pacing and kicking things across the floor of my room when I’m not Skyping with my spouse. I apologize if my output has been subpar. It’s hard to think/create/do much of anything when all your mental energy is spent worrying.
I took a brief break from my misery to go to the zoo for the first time in my life with my photographer friend Chona to do a little interview for the Tumblr Storyboard, which should appear in a few weeks or whenever we turn it in and I caption a bunch of her photos, so keep an eye peeled for that because it will be full of new entries and pertinent information regarding … stuff. Me and animals and the ATIAC book, mostly.
Speaking of the book, that’s finished, and will be available for purchase on August 6th, 2013 according to the people who are in charge of that sort of thing. I assume it will be available for preorder soon, and I will provide you with links to do that because I’m contractually obligated to do so, but also because I hope you’ll buy it and enjoy it, as you seem to enjoy this pile of nonsense I call a website. It’s full of old favorites, slightly tweaked versions of other old favorites, and a shitload of new chattering animals, all courtesy of a wide variety of fine photographers I hope you’ll also check out because they’re good people with good cameras and decent hearts, the latter of which is a rarity in these cruel and indifferent times in which we live.
Seriously, I’m sorry if Animals Talking In All Caps has been lackluster, or if I haven’t responded to your emails. If the UKBA says yes then I have to very quickly sell all my personal belongings and move overseas. If they say no I have to hang myself. That’s been my primary concern when I wasn’t working on the book, which was not the easiest thing in the world to put together. It’s been a pain, and I’m grateful to you for sticking around and enjoying my idiocy throughout the process.
I will be back in a week or so with more yammering animals, and I’ll probably post a few in the intervening days, just not on the regular schedule. Please take care of yourselves in my brief absence and thanks again for sticking around to ride this long, arduous, nonsensical rollercoaster of lemurs and alpacas I try to provide you.
I will see you in a week, which is seven days closer to the return of Game of Thrones on HBO.
I really like your outfit today,