- 5:31 pm - Sun, Sep 8, 2013
- 4,049 notes
ANTHONY! TAKE YOUR SHOES OFF! THAT’S BERBER CARPETING! WHAT IN THE DEVIL ARE YOU THINKING?
WE DO NOT WEAR OUR TOPSIDERS IN THE HOUSE, ANTHONY. ONLY ON THE BOAT.
HONESTLY! HOW GAUCHE!
- 5:31 pm - Sat, Sep 7, 2013
- 3,253 notes
ALL OF THE SLUDS AND HOARS ON THIS TUMBLRS MAKING ME SAD FOR EMERICAS YOUTH.
WHY YOU SO SLUDDY AND HOARY?
PUT ON MORE CLOSE! STOP PLAYING WITH YOUR TIDDIES AND PENUSES BEFOAR YOU CATCH A DISESE.
WHAT WOULD PARENS THINK? TEARS! ALL OF TEARS!
FOR ANYTHING YOU DO THE NOOD FOTOS AND NO REASONS!
“I LIKE BAND ONE DIRECTION. LOOK AT MY BUBES.”
“I WATCH BEE BEE SEE MOVIE SHOW SHERLOCK. HEAR IS MY TESSACLES IN DIRTY BEDSROOM.”
GOD CAN SEE YOUR BUBES! HE IS MAD AT THEM! STOP BEING SO NAKID! PUT YOUR GIANT WEENERS AWAY FROM CAMERAS AND GO CHURCH!
- 1:14 pm - Thu, Sep 5, 2013
- 2,775 notes
BY ALL THE GODS, WHAT IS THAT STRUCTURE? IT’S MESMERIZING. LOOK AT THAT INVITING, CENTRAL STONE FIREPIT, HOUSED BY ADOBE-ESQUE TAN BRICK WALLS. GAZE UPON THE GENTLE SLOPE OF THE RED CLAY TILE ROOF AND THE SOFT CURVES OF THE SIMPLE, MISSION-STYLE BELL THAT TOLLS NOT LOUDLY IN THE STILL SUMMER AIR BUT INSIDE YOUR HEART, PROMISING YOU RELIEF. AFFORDABLE, DELICIOUS RELIEF FROM ALL YOUR WOES.
PULL INTO THIS “TACO BELL” CARL. I WISH TO KNOW ITS SECRETS.
- 3:15 pm - Tue, Sep 3, 2013
- 7,204 notes
THAT’S RIGHT, DRAG IT. DRAG THAT LONG, SEXY ASS.
OH MY GOD, MOM. WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU?
YOUR FATHER HAS A VERY NICE BACKSIDE. I’M COMMENTING ON IT.
THAT’S SO GROSS. YOU’RE GROSSING ME OUT. DAD, TELL HER SHE’S BEING A SICKO.
HONEY, YOU’RE BEING “A SICKO” AND UPSETTING SAMUEL WITH YOUR COMPLETELY ACCURATE REMARK ABOUT HOW GREAT MY ASS IS.
I’M NOT SORRY.
YOU HEAR THAT, CHAMP? YOUR MOTHER IS UNREPENTANT. SHE’S A WOMAN OF STRONG CONVICTIONS, AND I THINK WE SHOULD RESPECT THAT.
- 3:15 pm - Fri, Aug 30, 2013
- 2,684 notes
NO MERCY! IS THAT CLEAR? NO REPRIEVE! YOU RETURN TO THE HIVE WITH BLOOD ON YOUR MANDIBLES OR YOU DON’T RETURN AT ALL! CRY HAVOC, AND LET SLIP THE DOGS OF- WENDY, DID YOU BRING YOUR PURSE?
I NEVER GO ANYWHERE WITHOUT MY PURSE. IT HAS ALL MY STUFF IN IT.
… WE’RE AT WAR.
AND IF YOU WANT SOME GUM DURING THE WAR, WHERE ARE YOU GOING TO GET IT, HUH? WHAT ABOUT IDENTIFICATION? DO YOU HAVE ANY? I DO. IT’S IN MY PURSE.
- 3:15 pm - Thu, Aug 29, 2013
- 1,855 notes
HEY CHRIS, IT’S ME LAURA! FROM OKCUPID!
I’M SO HAPPY YOU SHOWED UP! I CAN’T WAIT TO TELL YOU ALL ABOUT MY HOBBIES AND INTERESTS OVER DINNER! HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF STEAMPUNK? WHAT ABOUT FANFICTION? HEY, WHERE ARE YOU GOING? I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT MY PETS YET!
- 12:44 pm - Tue, Aug 6, 2013
- 578 notes
Well, Americans … today’s the day.
You can now buy your very own copy of Animals Talking In All Caps (the book), and never have to see [preorder the book] under a caption again (unless of course you’re reading some other caption-centric tumblr and the person who writes it puts [preorder the book] under their words as well, which is something I have no control over).
UK buyers, a demographic which now includes me, will apparently have to wait until 13/9/13, according to Amazon.co.uk. The copy you see is in my kitchen because the fine folks in NYC who publish this modern masterwork saw fit to send me a few (you know, to keep on top of the toilet or under that one side of the Ikea Smølgvärb shelving unit that isn’t level with the floor).
It’s been a long (long), strange (really strange) and winding (or at least curvy) road, people, and I couldn’t and wouldn’t have done it without the enjoyment that I get out of your enjoyment of my labors, in a feedback loop of love, day in and day out for the past couple years.
It’s a little early to toast with beers but if you’ve got a cup of coffee or a mug of tea or maybe a Jolt cola or something, raise it up.
Here’s to you.
- 6:30 pm - Fri, Aug 2, 2013
- 4,989 notes
"I’M LEAVING YOU." THAT’S ALL HE SAID.
AND THAT GOT ME TO THINKING, ONCE I STOPPED CRYING. ONCE HE WAS GONE.
ABOUT MANY THINGS, REALLY, BUT MOSTLY ABOUT HOW FEW WORDS IT TAKES TO SAY SOMETHING TRULY HORRIBLE. YOU CAN DO IT IN TWO BUT THERE’S A LOT OF ROOM FOR MISCOMMUNICATION OR MISUNDERSTANDING. “I’M LEAVING” IS NOT EXACTLY “I’M LEAVING YOU” IF YOU SEE WHAT I’M SAYING. THREE WORDS, THOUGH … YOU CAN DESTROY A PERSON’S SENSE OF PEACE WITH NO MORE THAN THREE WORDS. JUST THINK ABOUT IT. SOME OF THE WORST PHRASES IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE ONLY REQUIRE THREE WORDS.
"YOU HAVE CANCER."
"YOUR MOTHER DIED."
"FEATURING 2 CHAINZ."
SUCH HORRORS, DELIVERED WITH SUCH BREVITY.
CAN I GET SOME MORE REISLING? I’M NOT READY TO GO HOME.
- 4:15 pm
- 1,978 notes
SO GREG’S HOUSE. TEN O’CLOCK. TONS OF GOOD LOOKING BABES, TONS OF BOOZE, EVEN A COUPLE OF BANDS.
THAT SOUNDS AWESOME. DOES STEVEN KNOW?
OF COURSE NOT. WHY WOULD I TELL STEVEN ABOUT A PARTY FULL OF BABES? IF HE ASKS WHAT YOU’RE DOING LATER JUST SAY YOU’VE GOT A COLD OR SOMETHING.
YOU TWO DICKWADS CAN STOP WHISPERING. I CAN HEAR YOUR WHOLE CONVERSATION. I’M UGLY, NOT DEAF.
- 6:30 pm - Thu, Aug 1, 2013
- 949 notes
Look at that.
Isn’t that beautiful? The dead simplicity. The clean lines. The amusing irony of placing an ephemeral frippery like captioned animal photos into the iconic clothing of a century’s worth of literary classics.
It even has a penguin on it.
That right there is the cover I envisioned before the ink had even dried on the book contract. It’s all I asked for, and, given the incredibly timely merger of Penguin and Random House shortly after I began working on the book, I assumed it would be a no-brainer.
Alas, my fine editors don’t believe the blog-to-book buying public is smart enough to ‘get’ a literary sight-gag, and that the general American populace needs horrible fonts and full-color photos to make impulse purchases of humor books, so in one week you will not see this masterpiece of restraint and class sitting on shelves at your local booksellers, but rather the jaunty, glossy, high-def llama-and-word-balloon cover that someone in charge of making me wince dreamed up in a harshly-lit cubicle somewhere in the glimmering metropolis of depressing ideas we like to call New York.
And one week is not a very long time, friends and readers. It’s only like … six or seven days. And in that time, aside from the capslocked animals or radio silence I usually provide, you will also get the occasional rejected cover idea since I have hundreds sitting in a folder on my computer, each one a reminder that no matter how much of your artistic impulse you subsume to the will of the moneymen, they will always ask for more, leaving you a resentful, bitter husk, full of bourbon and bile, desperately searching the dim corridors of your broken heart for whatever joy or idealism once dwelled there.
… or that might just be me. Whevs.
Plus you’ve been raised not to judge books by their covers, yes? So when you look at the fruits of my labors, nestled between vegan cookbooks and celebrity nipple-slip compendiums on an Amazon ‘people who bought high-top Crocs also bought ______’ tab, do not judge it too harshly. Instead, buy it. Then wait for it to arrive, put your rubber-sheathed feet up, pop a Pepsi, and fold the glossy, jaunty cover right over, tuck it beneath your fingers, and judge the book by its content.
Which will be talking animals.
All my love,
- 4:15 pm
- 3,195 notes
NO, IT’S NOTHING SERIOUS. JUST KIND OF POOPED. NEEDED A BREAK FROM THE OFFICE. I ALREADY CALLED IN.
I’M JUST GOING TO STAY IN AND CATCH UP ON GIRLS. MAYBE DO SOME LIGHT BLOGGING.
HOW ABOUT YOU? ANY EXCITING PLANS TODAY?
[preorder the book]
- 6:31 pm - Thu, Jul 25, 2013
- 1,354 notes
"JUST WEAR YOUR GLASSES" I SAID, BUT NO. MISTER SEXY BEACH TIME JUST HAD TO WEAR HIS CONTACTS. WHAT DID I SAY? DID I NOT SAY “THEY’RE BAD IN THE WATER"? DID I NOT SAY “YOU’LL BE SUPER UPSET IF ONE FALLS OUT IN THE SAND"? OF COURSE I DID, BUT DOES HE EVER LISTEN TO ME? OH NO, THAT WOULD BE SILLY. BIG TIME HUNKY STUD WANNABE MALE MODELS DON’T HAVE TIME TO LISTEN TO THEIR BOYFRIENDS. THEY’RE JUST TOO COOL FOR SCHOOL, JUST STRUTTING THEIR STUFF. ISN’T THAT RIGHT?
… ARE YOU GOING TO HELP ME FIND IT OR NOT?
[preorder the book]
- 4:15 pm
- 8,957 notes
GOOD MORNING. HOW ARE YOU ENJOYING THE MESCALINE?
<I CAN READ YOUR THOUGHTS>
ARE YOU THIRSTY? I’VE MADE SOME NICE HERBAL TEA.
IS EVERYTHING OKAY?
<THERE IS NOTHING AFTER DEATH>
[preorder the book]
- 6:30 pm - Wed, Jul 17, 2013
- 1,776 notes
HEY TOM. STILL STUCK IN THAT BEAR TRAP, HUH? WHAT A TOTAL BUMMER. ME AND MIKE AND BRIAN ARE GOING TO GO TO THE RIVER AND FROLIC IN THE DEW AND STUFF. RUB OUR FUZZY NUBBINS ON SOME TREES. EAT ACORNS. THAT KIND OF THING.
I WAS GOING TO INVITE YOU BUT … YOU KNOW … BEAR TRAP.
I FOUND SOME CORN YESTERDAY. I’LL BRING YOU A COUPLE EARS BEFORE I HEAD DOWN THERE. I HAVE SOME MAGAZINES TOO. REAL DIRTY DOE STUFF. IF YOU GET CAUGHT WITH THEM THOUGH YOU’D BETTER KEEP MY NAME OUT OF IT.
EVERYBODY MISSES YOU AT SCHOOL. I HOPE WE FIGURE OUT HOW TO GET YOU OUT OF THAT THING BEFORE IT’S TIME TO MIGRATE.
[preorder the book]