ANIMALS TALKING IN ALL CAPS

HELLO THERE! WELCOME TO HELL. MY NAME’S TODD, AND I’LL BE BURROWING INTO YOU FOR THE NEXT COUPLE OF MILLENNIA WHILE YOUR SCREAMS JOIN THE UNCEASING CHORUS OF THE DAMNED. IT’S A REAL PLEASURE TO HAVE YOU WITH US.

THERE’S COFFEE AND A VERY DELICIOUS PIE JUST OVER THERE IN THE COMMON ROOM IF YOU WANT ANY. YOU CAN’T HAVE IT, OF COURSE, BECAUSE THAT WOULD KIND OF DEFEAT THE WHOLE PURPOSE OF YOUR VISIT, BUT WE DIDN’T WANT YOU TO THINK WE’RE NOT GOOD HOSTS. 

SO, SHALL WE BEGIN?

CHILL OUT, ALAN.

No! What the hell happened to the garage? A fire? Was there a fire in the garage?

ALAN, YOU’RE NOT BEING VERY CHILL RIGHT NOW.

What was on fire? Where is my car?

I GET THAT YOU’RE A LITTLE FLUSTERED, BUT I CAN’T EVEN TALK TO YOU WHEN YOU’RE LIKE THIS. THERE’S NO NEED TO HARSH EVERYONE’S MELLOWS. SERIOUSLY, JUST BE CHILL. LOOK AT ME. I’M ABOUT TO FLATLINE I’M SO TERMINALLY CHILL RIGHT NOW.

BILLY IS MY CRUSH! MINE! YOU HAD NO RIGHT TALKING TO HIM! WE’RE SUPPOSED TO BE FRIENDS! YOU ALWAYS DO THIS TO ME!

WHAT DID YOU GUYS TALK ABOUT? WALKING? COOKED FOOD? HAVING FINGERS? OH, I BET IT WAS WONDERFUL! ALL THE CUTE LITTLE THINGS YOU HAVE IN COMMON!

JUST GET AWAY FROM ME, CINDY! GO RUIN SOMEONE ELSE’S LIFE FOR ONCE!

NOW, THIS IS THE PARIPURNA NAVASANA, OR BOAT POSE.

WHAT YOU WANT TO DO IS CURL THE UPPER SEGEMNTS OF YOUR PEREON UNTIL YOU’RE RESTING ON YOUR MIDDLE PLATE. AFTER THAT YOU’LL BRING YOUR PLEON TO ABOUT A 40º ANGLE AND HOLD FOR 20 TO 30 SECONDS, RESPIRING DEEPLY AS YOU DO SO.

THEY’RE ‘FEETS BY DRE’ NOISE CANCELING SOCKS AND THE BASS RESPONSE IS INSANE.

I’M LISTENING TO CAT STEVENS AND IT SOUNDS LIKE DUBSTEP.

THEY THINK THEY WILL TAKE THESE LANDS WITH BRUTE FORCE AND AN ARROGANCE BORNE OF FLEETING POWER, BUT THIS SOIL IS THE SOIL OF OUR FATHERS, AND OF OUR FATHERS’ FATHERS.

IT HAS BEEN WATERED WITH TEARS, BOTH FROM SMALL JOYS AND GRIEVOUS LOSSES, BY OUR MOTHERS AND THE MOTHERS THAT BORE THEM.

IN ITS DEEP PLACES LIE HIDDEN OUR SONGS. ITS HILLS AND VALLEYS TRACE THE OUTLINE OF OUR PAST, AND THE SUN THAT SHINES UPON THEM IS THE LIGHT OF OUR BRIGHT FUTURE, FREE FROM THE YOKE OF OPPRESSION AND THE GRASPING HANDS OF SMALL-MINDED TYRANTS.

IF WE DIE HERE TODAY, WE DO SO NOT IN VAIN. WE DO IT FOR OUR HOME, WHICH CAN NEVER BE TAKEN, WHICH WILL NEVER BE SURRENDERED.

SO FUCK THOSE GUYS. GRAB SOMETHING POINTY. I WANT TO BE HOME BY LUNCHTIME.

MOTHER OF GOD.

MCCLUSKY, CLEAR THIS AREA. NOBODY TOUCHES ANYTHING UNTIL MY TEAM’S GOT HAIR AND FIBER SAMPLES, FINGERPRINTS, THE WORKS. AND KEEP YOUR MEN OFF THEIR RADIOS. I DON’T WANT ANY PRESS, YOU HEAR ME? NONE.

THEN CALL DETECTIVE SANDERS OVER AT MAJOR CRIMES. TELL HIM WE’RE GOING TO NEED HIM TO CLEAR HIS CASELOAD. WE HAVE A SPECIALIST ON THE LOOSE.

THIS IS THE SECOND VICTIM THIS WEEK. I FEAR THIS IS ONLY JUST BEGINNING.

CHRISTINE, I SAID I WAS SORRY.

CAN I PLEASE COME BACK ON THE MAINLAND?

I’LL NEVER DO IT AGAIN, I PROMISE.

HAVE I SEEN RICK? RICK WHO?

DO YOU MEAN THAT BOISTEROUS LITTLE FELLOW YOU BROUGHT HOME LAST MONTH TO REPLACE ME IN YOUR AFFECTIONS AND TEAR ALL OVER THE HOUSE LIKE SOME SORT OF KIBBLE-FUELED ROCKETSHIP MADE OUT OF PURE ANNOYANCE?

THIS IS GOING TO BE HARD FOR YOU TO HEAR BUT I THINK HE RAN AWAY. SAID SOMETHING ABOUT MONACO AND JUST TOOK RIGHT OFF. BOLD AS BRASS. 

GUESS IT’S JUST YOU AND ME AGAIN. LIKE THE GOOD OLD DAYS. WHY DON’T YOU GO PUT ON YOUR BLANKET ROBE AND I’LL MEET YOU UPSTAIRS IN A FEW MINUTES FOR SOME LIGHT READING AND HEAD SCRATCHES. I’M JUST GOING TO FRESHEN UP AND TAKE OUT THE TRASH REAL QUICK.

AAAAAAAHHHHH! YOU SHOWED UP! I’M SO EXCITED!

JUST DROP YOUR GUANO ANYWHERE, THEN COME SEE THE KITCHEN!

LINDSAY’S BEEN MAKING THESE LITTLE BEETLE WRAPS SHE READ ABOUT ON SOME BLOG. I DON’T KNOW IF THEY’RE ANY GOOD BUT WE CAN FIND OUT TOGETHER. DINNER SHOULD BE READY IN A LITTLE BIT. DID YOU BRING WINE? IF NOT DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT. WE HAVE TONS!

IT’S SO GOOD TO SEE YOU!

LAUREN, I KNOW AT TIMES MY ACTIONS CAN BE DIFFICULT FOR YOU, BUT I HAVE NEVER ASKED YOU TO UNDERSTAND MY PASSION FOR SCIENCE. I HAVE ONLY ASKED THAT YOU LOVE ME, AS I SO DEARLY LOVE YOU.

OR SCIENCE. 

AS MUCH AS I LOVE EITHER YOU OR SCIENCE.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

WHAT? WORK. IT’S 9:30. I’M LATE FOR WORK.

YOU DIDN’T TELL ME YOU LOVE ME BEFORE YOU LEFT! YOU DIDN’T KISS ME TENDERLY ON THE CHEEK!

SORRY. YOU WERE ASLEEP, AND I WAS RUNNING REALLY LATE.

YOU HATE ME! YOU THINK I’M UGLY AND YOU WANT TO SLEEP WITH SOMEONE ELSE!

WHAT? NO, I JUST DON’T WANT TO GET FI-

WHAT’S HER NAME? DOES SHE HAVE A LONGER TAIL THAN ME? HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN SEEING HER?

HONEY, PLEASE. I’M NOT-

DIVORCE! DIVORCE I WANT!

ARE YOU YODA NOW? WE’RE NOT GETTING DIVORCED.

KISS ME RIGHT NOW YOU SON OF A BITCH!

JUST LOOK AT IT, CLAIRE. THE ROLLING HILLS, THE SUN-DAPPLED LEAVES, THE RUSTIC CHARM OF IT ALL. IT’S BEAUTIFUL. JUST BEAUTIFUL.

WHY ARE YOU IN SUCH A GOOD MOOD? ARE YOU DRINKING AGAIN?

NO, DOWNTON ABBEY STARTED BACK UP. GOD, IT’S BEEN A DESOLATE TV WASTELAND RECENTLY.

BUDDY.

HEY, BUDDY?

I DON’T WANT TO BOTHER YOU OR ANYTHING, BUT CAN YOU HELP ME WITH THIS NOOSE? I’M ALL THUMBS WHEN IT COMES TO KNOTS.

DAMMMMMMMN, BABY. I LIKE WHAT YOU’RE WORKING WITH. I LIKE A LITTLE MEAT ON MY WOMEN, YOU KNOW? HONESTLY, YOU LOOK GOOD ENOUGH TO EAT, GIRL.

THANK YOU. I’VE SPENT MY WHOLE LIFE JUST WAITING FOR SOME FRIENDLY, RESPECTABLE GENTLEMAN LIKE YOU TO ELOQUENTLY VALIDATE MY EXISTENCE BASED SOLELY ON MY APPEARANCE. NOW IF YOU’LL EXCUSE ME, I’M LATE FOR WORK.

HEY NOW, DON’T BE LIKE THAT. I WASN’T JUST BLOWING SMOKE UP YOUR FINE ASS. I MEANT THAT LITERALLY.

I KNOW. IT’S A MEASURE OF THE PROFOUND MALAISE IN OUR SOCIETY WHEN YOU THINK YOU’RE FLATTERING ME WHILE MAKING ME FEEL DECIDEDLY UNSAFE IN BROAD DAYLIGHT.

WHY CAN’T YOU JUST TAKE A COMPLIMENT?

BECAUSE YOU CAN’T TAKE A HINT.