4:15 pm - Wed, Jul 17, 2013
2,905 notes
THIS? OH, YOU’RE SO SWEET. IT’S CHRISTIAN LACROIX. I WAS IN PARIS FOR A CONFERENCE AND I COULDN’T RESIST. I HAVE THESE PERFECT LITTLE PEARLS THAT DANE BOUGHT ME WHEN WE FIRST GOT MARRIED, AND A CHANEL CLUTCH, PLUS THESE LITTLE YELLOW LOUBOUTINS THAT ARE ABSOLUTE MURDER ON MY ARCHES BUT GOD DO THEY LOOK DIVINE.
FINISH YOUR CHARDONNAY AND I’LL TAKE YOU UPSTAIRS AND SHOW YOU. YOU’LL LOVE THEM.


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THIS? OH, YOU’RE SO SWEET. IT’S CHRISTIAN LACROIX. I WAS IN PARIS FOR A CONFERENCE AND I COULDN’T RESIST. I HAVE THESE PERFECT LITTLE PEARLS THAT DANE BOUGHT ME WHEN WE FIRST GOT MARRIED, AND A CHANEL CLUTCH, PLUS THESE LITTLE YELLOW LOUBOUTINS THAT ARE ABSOLUTE MURDER ON MY ARCHES BUT GOD DO THEY LOOK DIVINE.

FINISH YOUR CHARDONNAY AND I’LL TAKE YOU UPSTAIRS AND SHOW YOU. YOU’LL LOVE THEM.

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6:31 pm - Thu, Jul 11, 2013
1,991 notes
I’LL BE RIGHT BACK. I’M JUST GOING TO GO GRAB MY BIG BAG OF WALNUTS.
For what?
WELL, NOW THAT I FOUND SOMETHING TO CRACK THEM WITH I THOUGHT I MIGHT EAT THEM.


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I’LL BE RIGHT BACK. I’M JUST GOING TO GO GRAB MY BIG BAG OF WALNUTS.

For what?

WELL, NOW THAT I FOUND SOMETHING TO CRACK THEM WITH I THOUGHT I MIGHT EAT THEM.

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4:15 pm
4,904 notes
IT’S UP TO YOU, REALLY. IT’S YOUR PARTY. YOU WANT A LITTLE SMOOTH JAZZ TINKLE OR DO YOU WANT ME TO JERRY LEE LEWIS THIS THING UNTIL SHIT STARTS FALLING OFF THE SHELVES?

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IT’S UP TO YOU, REALLY. IT’S YOUR PARTY. YOU WANT A LITTLE SMOOTH JAZZ TINKLE OR DO YOU WANT ME TO JERRY LEE LEWIS THIS THING UNTIL SHIT STARTS FALLING OFF THE SHELVES?

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6:30 pm - Wed, Jul 3, 2013
5,066 notes
DAD, IS EVERYTHING THE LIGHT TOUCHES OUR KINGDOM?
WHAT ARE YOU, AN IDIOT? THE LIGHT IS THE SUN, BOBBY. IT TOUCHES A LOT OF SHIT. I MAKE TWENTY GRAND A YEAR. OUR ‘KINGDOM’ IS 600 SQUARE FEET WITH A BROKEN AIR CONDITIONER AND YOUR MOM RULES IT, NOT ME OR YOU.


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DAD, IS EVERYTHING THE LIGHT TOUCHES OUR KINGDOM?

WHAT ARE YOU, AN IDIOT? THE LIGHT IS THE SUN, BOBBY. IT TOUCHES A LOT OF SHIT. I MAKE TWENTY GRAND A YEAR. OUR ‘KINGDOM’ IS 600 SQUARE FEET WITH A BROKEN AIR CONDITIONER AND YOUR MOM RULES IT, NOT ME OR YOU.

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4:15 pm
4,262 notes
I’M SORRY I KICKED DARREN IN THE FACE FOR CHEATING ON YOU.
I’m sorry I yelled at you for doing it. I was just startled.
HOOF TO GOD, I THINK HE DESERVED IT. YOU’RE A PRINCESS.
I love you, Shelly.
I LOVE YOU TOO.


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I’M SORRY I KICKED DARREN IN THE FACE FOR CHEATING ON YOU.

I’m sorry I yelled at you for doing it. I was just startled.

HOOF TO GOD, I THINK HE DESERVED IT. YOU’RE A PRINCESS.

I love you, Shelly.

I LOVE YOU TOO.

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6:30 pm - Mon, Jul 1, 2013
2,828 notes
I’M NOT TRYING TO BE DIFFICULT BUT YOUR AD SAID “TASTEFUL MODELING.”


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I’M NOT TRYING TO BE DIFFICULT BUT YOUR AD SAID “TASTEFUL MODELING.”

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4:15 pm
3,433 notes
OH SWEET BABY JESUS THERE’S A CENTIPEDE IN THE BATHROOM! OH! OHMYGOD! OHMYGOD IT’S HUGE! PAUL! PAUL COME KILL IT!


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OH SWEET BABY JESUS THERE’S A CENTIPEDE IN THE BATHROOM! OH! OHMYGOD! OHMYGOD IT’S HUGE! PAUL! PAUL COME KILL IT!

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3:15 pm - Fri, Jun 28, 2013
2,431 notes
I WANT TO KISS YOU!
I WANT TO KISS YOU TOO!
HOW DO WE DO THAT?
I’M NOT SURE!
UGH! WHY ARE OUR FACES MADE OUT OF BANANAS?
BECAUSE WE WOULD LOOK RIDICULOUS WITH LIPS!
EXCELLENT POINT! YOU ARE VERY SMART!
THANK YOU! LET’S MASH BANANAS!
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I WANT TO KISS YOU!

I WANT TO KISS YOU TOO!

HOW DO WE DO THAT?

I’M NOT SURE!

UGH! WHY ARE OUR FACES MADE OUT OF BANANAS?

BECAUSE WE WOULD LOOK RIDICULOUS WITH LIPS!

EXCELLENT POINT! YOU ARE VERY SMART!

THANK YOU! LET’S MASH BANANAS!

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4:30 pm - Mon, Jun 24, 2013
4,456 notes
IF THEY DON’T PUT IN A STARBUCKS SOON I’M LITERALLY GOING TO KILL MYSELF.

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IF THEY DON’T PUT IN A STARBUCKS SOON I’M LITERALLY GOING TO KILL MYSELF.

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2:15 pm
1,122 notes
CHRISSY, SHUT UP. I’VE GOT IT. WHAT WE NEED IN HERE IS CROWN MOLDING. EVEN YOUR INSULTINGLY AMATEURISH COLOR CHOICES COULD BE REDEEMED WITH SOME SUBTLE BUT DECORATIVE CORNICE WORK.



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CHRISSY, SHUT UP. I’VE GOT IT. WHAT WE NEED IN HERE IS CROWN MOLDING. EVEN YOUR INSULTINGLY AMATEURISH COLOR CHOICES COULD BE REDEEMED WITH SOME SUBTLE BUT DECORATIVE CORNICE WORK.

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4:30 pm - Sat, Jun 22, 2013
1,444 notes
YOU’VE GOT A STAIN RIGHT THERE ON YOUR SHIRT. 
IT’S LIKE … MUSTARD OR SOMETHING. I DON’T KNOW.


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YOU’VE GOT A STAIN RIGHT THERE ON YOUR SHIRT. 

IT’S LIKE … MUSTARD OR SOMETHING. I DON’T KNOW.

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2:15 pm
1,374 notes
BACK OFF, DICKBAG! STAMP CLUB MEETING! I RESERVED THIS BENCH TWO WEEKS AGO!
DON’T TAKE ANOTHER STEP UNLESS YOU WANT TO FEEL A BLADE.
WHAT ARE YOU, CHESS CLUB? COLOR GUARD? JUST KIDDING I DON’T CARE! WALK AWAY SLOWLY AND YOU’LL WALK AWAY AT ALL!
WE SPECIFICALLY BLOCKED OUT 2-4PM. SPECIFICALLY.
WE SPECIFIED THE SHIT OUT OF THAT TIMEFRAME!
SO IF YOU’RE NOT A PHILATELIST YOU NEED TO BOUNCE.
YOU NEED TO TELL IT WALKING! WE’VE GOT PERFINS TO ANALYZE!
THEY’RE PERFORATED INITIALS, MEANT TO DISCOURAGE THEFT. FIRST USED BY GREAT BRITAIN IN 1868, PERFINS BECAME QUITE COMMON. MANY COUNTRIES USE THEM TO DENOTE OFFICIAL MAIL. FOR EXAMPLE, VARIOUS FEDERAL ORGANIZATIONS IN THE UNITED STATES USE PERFINS-
BRIAN, SHUT UP! THEY’RE NOT IN THE CLUB!


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BACK OFF, DICKBAG! STAMP CLUB MEETING! I RESERVED THIS BENCH TWO WEEKS AGO!

DON’T TAKE ANOTHER STEP UNLESS YOU WANT TO FEEL A BLADE.

WHAT ARE YOU, CHESS CLUB? COLOR GUARD? JUST KIDDING I DON’T CARE! WALK AWAY SLOWLY AND YOU’LL WALK AWAY AT ALL!

WE SPECIFICALLY BLOCKED OUT 2-4PM. SPECIFICALLY.

WE SPECIFIED THE SHIT OUT OF THAT TIMEFRAME!

SO IF YOU’RE NOT A PHILATELIST YOU NEED TO BOUNCE.

YOU NEED TO TELL IT WALKING! WE’VE GOT PERFINS TO ANALYZE!

THEY’RE PERFORATED INITIALS, MEANT TO DISCOURAGE THEFT. FIRST USED BY GREAT BRITAIN IN 1868, PERFINS BECAME QUITE COMMON. MANY COUNTRIES USE THEM TO DENOTE OFFICIAL MAIL. FOR EXAMPLE, VARIOUS FEDERAL ORGANIZATIONS IN THE UNITED STATES USE PERFINS-

BRIAN, SHUT UP! THEY’RE NOT IN THE CLUB!

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2:15 pm - Thu, Jun 20, 2013
1,739 notes
HELLO, I AM A HIP YOUNG DUDE LOOKING FOR A GOOD TIME. I WAS WONDERING IF I COULD BUY $20 WORTH OF DRUGS, PLEASE. THE GOOD ONES.
… WHAT? NO, I’M NOT A POLICE OFFICER. I LIKE CIGARETTES AND MAROON 5 AND THINGS LIKE THAT. EDGY STUFF THAT DRUG PEOPLE ARE INTO. BECAUSE I DO SO MANY DRUGS ALL THE TIME.

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HELLO, I AM A HIP YOUNG DUDE LOOKING FOR A GOOD TIME. I WAS WONDERING IF I COULD BUY $20 WORTH OF DRUGS, PLEASE. THE GOOD ONES.

… WHAT? NO, I’M NOT A POLICE OFFICER. I LIKE CIGARETTES AND MAROON 5 AND THINGS LIKE THAT. EDGY STUFF THAT DRUG PEOPLE ARE INTO. BECAUSE I DO SO MANY DRUGS ALL THE TIME.

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4:30 pm - Wed, Jun 19, 2013
1,327 notes
THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH. YOU’RE LIFE SAVERS. LITERALLY. 
I DIDN’T EVEN REALIZE THERE WAS A SWAMP OF SADNESS HERE UNTIL I WAS ALREADY IN IT. THEY’RE PRETTY TERRIBLE. IT’S A REALLY LONG STORY, BUT MY COUSIN ARTAX ACTUALLY DIED IN ONE OF THESE. WHICH IS LIKE, SO SAD TO THINK AB-
AH, DAMN IT.
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THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH. YOU’RE LIFE SAVERS. LITERALLY. 

I DIDN’T EVEN REALIZE THERE WAS A SWAMP OF SADNESS HERE UNTIL I WAS ALREADY IN IT. THEY’RE PRETTY TERRIBLE. IT’S A REALLY LONG STORY, BUT MY COUSIN ARTAX ACTUALLY DIED IN ONE OF THESE. WHICH IS LIKE, SO SAD TO THINK AB-

AH, DAMN IT.

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2:15 pm
2,421 notes
WHAT DID YOU GET, SOME SORT OF TARRAGON CHICKEN THING? WITH A LITTLE FRUIT CUP AND A BROWNIE? OH, THAT’S ADORABLE. I GOT A FUCKING PILE OF LETTUCE. IT’S NOT EVEN KALE OR ANYTHING.
HOW HARD IS IT TO OFFER A PROPER VEGETARIAN OPTION? IT’S 2013 FOR CHRIST’S SAKE. FIRST YOU BASICALLY HAVE TO HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE FINGERED BY THE TSA AND THEN THIS.
THEY’D BETTER HAVE A DECENT BOOZE CART.


[preorder the book]

WHAT DID YOU GET, SOME SORT OF TARRAGON CHICKEN THING? WITH A LITTLE FRUIT CUP AND A BROWNIE? OH, THAT’S ADORABLE. I GOT A FUCKING PILE OF LETTUCE. IT’S NOT EVEN KALE OR ANYTHING.

HOW HARD IS IT TO OFFER A PROPER VEGETARIAN OPTION? IT’S 2013 FOR CHRIST’S SAKE. FIRST YOU BASICALLY HAVE TO HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE FINGERED BY THE TSA AND THEN THIS.

THEY’D BETTER HAVE A DECENT BOOZE CART.

[preorder the book]

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