6:30 pm - Wed, Jul 3, 2013
5,026 notes
DAD, IS EVERYTHING THE LIGHT TOUCHES OUR KINGDOM?
WHAT ARE YOU, AN IDIOT? THE LIGHT IS THE SUN, BOBBY. IT TOUCHES A LOT OF SHIT. I MAKE TWENTY GRAND A YEAR. OUR ‘KINGDOM’ IS 600 SQUARE FEET WITH A BROKEN AIR CONDITIONER AND YOUR MOM RULES IT, NOT ME OR YOU.


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DAD, IS EVERYTHING THE LIGHT TOUCHES OUR KINGDOM?

WHAT ARE YOU, AN IDIOT? THE LIGHT IS THE SUN, BOBBY. IT TOUCHES A LOT OF SHIT. I MAKE TWENTY GRAND A YEAR. OUR ‘KINGDOM’ IS 600 SQUARE FEET WITH A BROKEN AIR CONDITIONER AND YOUR MOM RULES IT, NOT ME OR YOU.

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4:15 pm
4,245 notes
I’M SORRY I KICKED DARREN IN THE FACE FOR CHEATING ON YOU.
I’m sorry I yelled at you for doing it. I was just startled.
HOOF TO GOD, I THINK HE DESERVED IT. YOU’RE A PRINCESS.
I love you, Shelly.
I LOVE YOU TOO.


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I’M SORRY I KICKED DARREN IN THE FACE FOR CHEATING ON YOU.

I’m sorry I yelled at you for doing it. I was just startled.

HOOF TO GOD, I THINK HE DESERVED IT. YOU’RE A PRINCESS.

I love you, Shelly.

I LOVE YOU TOO.

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6:30 pm - Mon, Jul 1, 2013
2,801 notes
I’M NOT TRYING TO BE DIFFICULT BUT YOUR AD SAID “TASTEFUL MODELING.”


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I’M NOT TRYING TO BE DIFFICULT BUT YOUR AD SAID “TASTEFUL MODELING.”

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4:15 pm
3,405 notes
OH SWEET BABY JESUS THERE’S A CENTIPEDE IN THE BATHROOM! OH! OHMYGOD! OHMYGOD IT’S HUGE! PAUL! PAUL COME KILL IT!


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OH SWEET BABY JESUS THERE’S A CENTIPEDE IN THE BATHROOM! OH! OHMYGOD! OHMYGOD IT’S HUGE! PAUL! PAUL COME KILL IT!

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3:15 pm - Fri, Jun 28, 2013
2,411 notes
I WANT TO KISS YOU!
I WANT TO KISS YOU TOO!
HOW DO WE DO THAT?
I’M NOT SURE!
UGH! WHY ARE OUR FACES MADE OUT OF BANANAS?
BECAUSE WE WOULD LOOK RIDICULOUS WITH LIPS!
EXCELLENT POINT! YOU ARE VERY SMART!
THANK YOU! LET’S MASH BANANAS!
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I WANT TO KISS YOU!

I WANT TO KISS YOU TOO!

HOW DO WE DO THAT?

I’M NOT SURE!

UGH! WHY ARE OUR FACES MADE OUT OF BANANAS?

BECAUSE WE WOULD LOOK RIDICULOUS WITH LIPS!

EXCELLENT POINT! YOU ARE VERY SMART!

THANK YOU! LET’S MASH BANANAS!

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4:30 pm - Mon, Jun 24, 2013
4,397 notes
IF THEY DON’T PUT IN A STARBUCKS SOON I’M LITERALLY GOING TO KILL MYSELF.

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IF THEY DON’T PUT IN A STARBUCKS SOON I’M LITERALLY GOING TO KILL MYSELF.

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2:15 pm
1,118 notes
CHRISSY, SHUT UP. I’VE GOT IT. WHAT WE NEED IN HERE IS CROWN MOLDING. EVEN YOUR INSULTINGLY AMATEURISH COLOR CHOICES COULD BE REDEEMED WITH SOME SUBTLE BUT DECORATIVE CORNICE WORK.



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CHRISSY, SHUT UP. I’VE GOT IT. WHAT WE NEED IN HERE IS CROWN MOLDING. EVEN YOUR INSULTINGLY AMATEURISH COLOR CHOICES COULD BE REDEEMED WITH SOME SUBTLE BUT DECORATIVE CORNICE WORK.

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4:30 pm - Sat, Jun 22, 2013
1,438 notes
YOU’VE GOT A STAIN RIGHT THERE ON YOUR SHIRT. 
IT’S LIKE … MUSTARD OR SOMETHING. I DON’T KNOW.


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YOU’VE GOT A STAIN RIGHT THERE ON YOUR SHIRT. 

IT’S LIKE … MUSTARD OR SOMETHING. I DON’T KNOW.

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2:15 pm
1,361 notes
BACK OFF, DICKBAG! STAMP CLUB MEETING! I RESERVED THIS BENCH TWO WEEKS AGO!
DON’T TAKE ANOTHER STEP UNLESS YOU WANT TO FEEL A BLADE.
WHAT ARE YOU, CHESS CLUB? COLOR GUARD? JUST KIDDING I DON’T CARE! WALK AWAY SLOWLY AND YOU’LL WALK AWAY AT ALL!
WE SPECIFICALLY BLOCKED OUT 2-4PM. SPECIFICALLY.
WE SPECIFIED THE SHIT OUT OF THAT TIMEFRAME!
SO IF YOU’RE NOT A PHILATELIST YOU NEED TO BOUNCE.
YOU NEED TO TELL IT WALKING! WE’VE GOT PERFINS TO ANALYZE!
THEY’RE PERFORATED INITIALS, MEANT TO DISCOURAGE THEFT. FIRST USED BY GREAT BRITAIN IN 1868, PERFINS BECAME QUITE COMMON. MANY COUNTRIES USE THEM TO DENOTE OFFICIAL MAIL. FOR EXAMPLE, VARIOUS FEDERAL ORGANIZATIONS IN THE UNITED STATES USE PERFINS-
BRIAN, SHUT UP! THEY’RE NOT IN THE CLUB!


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BACK OFF, DICKBAG! STAMP CLUB MEETING! I RESERVED THIS BENCH TWO WEEKS AGO!

DON’T TAKE ANOTHER STEP UNLESS YOU WANT TO FEEL A BLADE.

WHAT ARE YOU, CHESS CLUB? COLOR GUARD? JUST KIDDING I DON’T CARE! WALK AWAY SLOWLY AND YOU’LL WALK AWAY AT ALL!

WE SPECIFICALLY BLOCKED OUT 2-4PM. SPECIFICALLY.

WE SPECIFIED THE SHIT OUT OF THAT TIMEFRAME!

SO IF YOU’RE NOT A PHILATELIST YOU NEED TO BOUNCE.

YOU NEED TO TELL IT WALKING! WE’VE GOT PERFINS TO ANALYZE!

THEY’RE PERFORATED INITIALS, MEANT TO DISCOURAGE THEFT. FIRST USED BY GREAT BRITAIN IN 1868, PERFINS BECAME QUITE COMMON. MANY COUNTRIES USE THEM TO DENOTE OFFICIAL MAIL. FOR EXAMPLE, VARIOUS FEDERAL ORGANIZATIONS IN THE UNITED STATES USE PERFINS-

BRIAN, SHUT UP! THEY’RE NOT IN THE CLUB!

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2:15 pm - Thu, Jun 20, 2013
1,717 notes
HELLO, I AM A HIP YOUNG DUDE LOOKING FOR A GOOD TIME. I WAS WONDERING IF I COULD BUY $20 WORTH OF DRUGS, PLEASE. THE GOOD ONES.
… WHAT? NO, I’M NOT A POLICE OFFICER. I LIKE CIGARETTES AND MAROON 5 AND THINGS LIKE THAT. EDGY STUFF THAT DRUG PEOPLE ARE INTO. BECAUSE I DO SO MANY DRUGS ALL THE TIME.

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HELLO, I AM A HIP YOUNG DUDE LOOKING FOR A GOOD TIME. I WAS WONDERING IF I COULD BUY $20 WORTH OF DRUGS, PLEASE. THE GOOD ONES.

… WHAT? NO, I’M NOT A POLICE OFFICER. I LIKE CIGARETTES AND MAROON 5 AND THINGS LIKE THAT. EDGY STUFF THAT DRUG PEOPLE ARE INTO. BECAUSE I DO SO MANY DRUGS ALL THE TIME.

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4:30 pm - Wed, Jun 19, 2013
1,311 notes
THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH. YOU’RE LIFE SAVERS. LITERALLY. 
I DIDN’T EVEN REALIZE THERE WAS A SWAMP OF SADNESS HERE UNTIL I WAS ALREADY IN IT. THEY’RE PRETTY TERRIBLE. IT’S A REALLY LONG STORY, BUT MY COUSIN ARTAX ACTUALLY DIED IN ONE OF THESE. WHICH IS LIKE, SO SAD TO THINK AB-
AH, DAMN IT.
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THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH. YOU’RE LIFE SAVERS. LITERALLY. 

I DIDN’T EVEN REALIZE THERE WAS A SWAMP OF SADNESS HERE UNTIL I WAS ALREADY IN IT. THEY’RE PRETTY TERRIBLE. IT’S A REALLY LONG STORY, BUT MY COUSIN ARTAX ACTUALLY DIED IN ONE OF THESE. WHICH IS LIKE, SO SAD TO THINK AB-

AH, DAMN IT.

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2:15 pm
2,406 notes
WHAT DID YOU GET, SOME SORT OF TARRAGON CHICKEN THING? WITH A LITTLE FRUIT CUP AND A BROWNIE? OH, THAT’S ADORABLE. I GOT A FUCKING PILE OF LETTUCE. IT’S NOT EVEN KALE OR ANYTHING.
HOW HARD IS IT TO OFFER A PROPER VEGETARIAN OPTION? IT’S 2013 FOR CHRIST’S SAKE. FIRST YOU BASICALLY HAVE TO HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE FINGERED BY THE TSA AND THEN THIS.
THEY’D BETTER HAVE A DECENT BOOZE CART.


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WHAT DID YOU GET, SOME SORT OF TARRAGON CHICKEN THING? WITH A LITTLE FRUIT CUP AND A BROWNIE? OH, THAT’S ADORABLE. I GOT A FUCKING PILE OF LETTUCE. IT’S NOT EVEN KALE OR ANYTHING.

HOW HARD IS IT TO OFFER A PROPER VEGETARIAN OPTION? IT’S 2013 FOR CHRIST’S SAKE. FIRST YOU BASICALLY HAVE TO HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE FINGERED BY THE TSA AND THEN THIS.

THEY’D BETTER HAVE A DECENT BOOZE CART.

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2:08 pm - Tue, Jun 18, 2013
2,110 notes
SHAWN? SHAWN, IT’S ME, MARY. CAN YOU HEAR ME?
JESUS, YOU GUYS, HE SMELLS LIKE A DISTILLERY. I’M GLAD HE PASSED THE BAR EXAM, BUT DID YOU HAVE TO LET HIM DRINK LIKE THIS? YOU COULD HAVE AT LEAST TAKEN OFF HIS SHOES. OH, AND HE’S STILL GOT GUM IN HIS MOUTH. THAT’S JUST GREAT. HE COULD CHOKE.
SHAWN? SHAWN, IT’S MARY. YOU FELL ASLEEP WITH GUM IN YOUR MOUTH. I’M JUST GOING TO GET IT OUT FOR YOU, OKAY?


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SHAWN? SHAWN, IT’S ME, MARY. CAN YOU HEAR ME?

JESUS, YOU GUYS, HE SMELLS LIKE A DISTILLERY. I’M GLAD HE PASSED THE BAR EXAM, BUT DID YOU HAVE TO LET HIM DRINK LIKE THIS? YOU COULD HAVE AT LEAST TAKEN OFF HIS SHOES. OH, AND HE’S STILL GOT GUM IN HIS MOUTH. THAT’S JUST GREAT. HE COULD CHOKE.

SHAWN? SHAWN, IT’S MARY. YOU FELL ASLEEP WITH GUM IN YOUR MOUTH. I’M JUST GOING TO GET IT OUT FOR YOU, OKAY?

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2:15 pm - Mon, Jun 17, 2013
2,351 notes
WHAT IS THIS? LOOK AT THIS. HAVE I MAGICALLY BEEN TRANSPORTED TO THE HEART OF THE SAHARA? AM I ON THE BONNEVILLE SALT FLATS?
YOU NEED MOISTURIZER, NICK. DESPERATELY.

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WHAT IS THIS? LOOK AT THIS. HAVE I MAGICALLY BEEN TRANSPORTED TO THE HEART OF THE SAHARA? AM I ON THE BONNEVILLE SALT FLATS?

YOU NEED MOISTURIZER, NICK. DESPERATELY.

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4:30 pm - Fri, Jun 14, 2013
2,074 notes
YOU THINK I GIVE A SLIPPERY SHIT ABOUT ‘TODAY’S YOUTH’? RUNNIN’ AROUND WITH THEIR SPACE BEEPERS, GOOGLING EACH OTHER OR WHATEVER IT IS THEY DO? 
BUNCH OF PISH. BACK IN MY DAY WE DIDN’T HAVE ZIMA XXX OR PISSED OFF BIRDS OR ANY OF THAT CRAP. I SWAM UPSTREAM, BOTH WAYS, JUST TO GO TO WORK FOR NINE HOURS. NOW THEY JUST SIT AT HOME AND BLOG ABOUT HOW HARD THEY GOT IT. ONLY THING HARD ABOUT LIVING IN THIS DAY AND AGE IS SITTING THROUGH FIVE MINUTES OF THAT GARBAGE THEY CALL MUSIC. 
“GRANDPA, HAVE YOU HEARD THE NEW LADY GOGGLES SONG?”
“GRANDPA, DO YOU LIKE NANCY MINAJ?”
IT’S ALL JUST NOISE. HORRIBLE NOISE.

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YOU THINK I GIVE A SLIPPERY SHIT ABOUT ‘TODAY’S YOUTH’? RUNNIN’ AROUND WITH THEIR SPACE BEEPERS, GOOGLING EACH OTHER OR WHATEVER IT IS THEY DO? 

BUNCH OF PISH. BACK IN MY DAY WE DIDN’T HAVE ZIMA XXX OR PISSED OFF BIRDS OR ANY OF THAT CRAP. I SWAM UPSTREAM, BOTH WAYS, JUST TO GO TO WORK FOR NINE HOURS. NOW THEY JUST SIT AT HOME AND BLOG ABOUT HOW HARD THEY GOT IT. ONLY THING HARD ABOUT LIVING IN THIS DAY AND AGE IS SITTING THROUGH FIVE MINUTES OF THAT GARBAGE THEY CALL MUSIC. 

“GRANDPA, HAVE YOU HEARD THE NEW LADY GOGGLES SONG?”

“GRANDPA, DO YOU LIKE NANCY MINAJ?”

IT’S ALL JUST NOISE. HORRIBLE NOISE.

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