4:30 pm - Thu, Jun 13, 2013
2,072 notes

PFFFFFFFFFT! UGH! THIS ISN’T VODKA!
OH GOD IT’S SO SALTY!
THIS IS BULLSHIT!


[preorder the book]

PFFFFFFFFFT! UGH! THIS ISN’T VODKA!

OH GOD IT’S SO SALTY!

THIS IS BULLSHIT!

[preorder the book]

2:15 pm
2,167 notes
GET YOUR LITTLE DICKGRABBERS OFF ME, TOUGH GUY, OR I’LL DOT YOUR EYE FOR YOU, UNDERSTAND? I KNOW KRAV MAGA! I BENCH LIKE, 25 GRAMS! 

[preorder the book]

GET YOUR LITTLE DICKGRABBERS OFF ME, TOUGH GUY, OR I’LL DOT YOUR EYE FOR YOU, UNDERSTAND? I KNOW KRAV MAGA! I BENCH LIKE, 25 GRAMS! 

[preorder the book]

4:30 pm - Wed, Jun 12, 2013
1,991 notes

OH MY GOD! KAREN!
WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME YOU WERE COMING OVER? I WOULD HAVE CLEANED UP! THE PLACE IS A MESS!


[preorder the book]

OH MY GOD! KAREN!

WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME YOU WERE COMING OVER? I WOULD HAVE CLEANED UP! THE PLACE IS A MESS!

[preorder the book]

2:15 pm
2,652 notes

NEVERMIND. I’LL FIND SOMEONE LIKE YOU.
I WISH NOTHING BUT THE BEST FOR YOU TOO.
DON’T FORGET ME, I BEGGED.
BUT I REMEMBER YOU SAID:
SOMETIMES IT LASTS IN LOVE BUT SOMETIMES IT HURTS INSTEAD.
SOMETIMES IT LASTS IN LOVE.
BUT SOMETIMES IT HURSTS INSTEAD.



[preorder the book]

NEVERMIND. I’LL FIND SOMEONE LIKE YOU.

I WISH NOTHING BUT THE BEST FOR YOU TOO.

DON’T FORGET ME, I BEGGED.

BUT I REMEMBER YOU SAID:

SOMETIMES IT LASTS IN LOVE BUT SOMETIMES IT HURTS INSTEAD.

SOMETIMES IT LASTS IN LOVE.

BUT SOMETIMES IT HURSTS INSTEAD.

[preorder the book]

4:30 pm - Tue, Jun 11, 2013
3,663 notes
AH, MR. AND MRS. DEVONSHIRE! WELCOME!
LUCIUS WILL TAKE YOUR COATS. PLEASE, FOLLOW HIM TO THE MAIN BALLROOM. I SHALL JOIN YOU PRESENTLY. I’M SIMPLY TAKING THE AIR FOR A MOMENT.
LOVELY DAY, ISN’T IT?
SIMPLY LOVELY.


[preorder the book]

AH, MR. AND MRS. DEVONSHIRE! WELCOME!

LUCIUS WILL TAKE YOUR COATS. PLEASE, FOLLOW HIM TO THE MAIN BALLROOM. I SHALL JOIN YOU PRESENTLY. I’M SIMPLY TAKING THE AIR FOR A MOMENT.

LOVELY DAY, ISN’T IT?

SIMPLY LOVELY.

[preorder the book]

2:15 pm
1,827 notes
CAN YOU BELIEVE THE WHOLE SEASON’S OVER ALREADY?
NO! I’M PISSED!
MORE LIKE GAME OF NOT ENOUGH EPISODES, AM I RIGHT?
SERIOUSLY! WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO FOR NINE MONTHS? READ THE BOOKS?!

CAN YOU BELIEVE THE WHOLE SEASON’S OVER ALREADY?

NO! I’M PISSED!

MORE LIKE GAME OF NOT ENOUGH EPISODES, AM I RIGHT?

SERIOUSLY! WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO FOR NINE MONTHS? READ THE BOOKS?!

4:30 pm - Mon, Jun 10, 2013
2,384 notes
NO OFFENSE BUT YOUR WIFE’S GRAMMAR IS ATROCIOUS. I’M SURE SHE’S A LOVELY WOMAN BUT THIS MIGHT AS WELL BE WRITTEN IN CRAYON.


[preorder the book]

NO OFFENSE BUT YOUR WIFE’S GRAMMAR IS ATROCIOUS. I’M SURE SHE’S A LOVELY WOMAN BUT THIS MIGHT AS WELL BE WRITTEN IN CRAYON.

[preorder the book]

2:15 pm
911 notes
ARE YOU LEAVING? AGAIN? ROOMMATES ARE SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE A LITTLE FAMILY THAT SHARES BILLS AND SECRETS AND A BATHROOM! YOU GUYS NEVER INVITE ME ANYWHERE! 
[preorder the book]

ARE YOU LEAVING? AGAIN? ROOMMATES ARE SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE A LITTLE FAMILY THAT SHARES BILLS AND SECRETS AND A BATHROOM! YOU GUYS NEVER INVITE ME ANYWHERE! 


[preorder the book]

10:11 pm - Sun, Jun 9, 2013
616 notes

Do you guys remember when this tumblr was going to be a book?

Because that’s still happening, in August. August 6th, actually, which is only nine short weeks from now. Nine weeks is how long it takes to have a baby! We could all have babies by the time the book comes out!*

And look, I know what you’re thinking. Justin, you have barely updated this inane tumblr since you packed up your meager possessions and moved 9000 miles away to a completely different continent to begin your proper married life with your hot Glaswegian wife we helped you marry over a year ago. 

And you’re right, faceless hordes. You’re absolutely right. I have been remiss. I have shirked my duties so I could perform whimsical fripperies like “learning Scottish slang” and “sex humping my wife” and “getting a job in a foreign country”, and for that I apologize. 

If I have let you down, let us agree that it was as a parking garage elevator lets you down. To get to your car, which is in the basement. Because I’m helpful like that. Not like your government, Western capitalism, and society at large have let you down, which is completely, and without recourse. Unlike your job prospects and hope of a happy future, ATIAC is coming back. Better than ever.** Because I love you, and miss your mute, tumblr-email-y voices.

And listen, that months-long stretch where I didn’t leave my desk for 11 hours a day while I pored over animal photos and Google image search, living on microwave meals and whiskey? That had a point, and that point is the tangible, booky version of this here tumblr, which I hope you will both preorder and enjoy in unequal measure. Apparently (and this is news to me as well as you) preorders are a huge thing now and count toward first-week sales figures, which is how in 20 years every Koresh-y cult leader will have a NYT bestseller by whipping his/her followers into an online frenzy of Amazon clicking, ensuring his/her message gets national distribution and optioned movie rights. But right here, right now, in June 2013, the power of the preorder can be used for good, not evil. You can do something like … I don’t know … preorder my stupid book, say, and the only thing that will happen is that you will get it in the mail in August and chuckle about it on the long, horrid commute to your cubicle job or college campus. Maybe use it to prop up that table leg that lost its little rubber foot and always wobbles. That’s it. No fuss, no muss, no spiritual and social revolution. Just me, you, a couple clicks and a shared grin or two.

Honestly, I’m not sure what you’ll do with an Animals Talking In All Caps book except throw it at your deadbeat boyfriend in a fit of rage but nonetheless, I’d like you to own a copy, which you can do by clicking here or here or here or here. Hell, click here or here if you like. Click wherever. It’s your computer. You click where you want. I’m not the boss of you.

How’s Scotland? I pretend you ask. Lovely. it’s just lovely. Thanks for asking.

What have you been doing? Oh, nothing. Just cooking and reading Orwell and touching my wife’s boobs. Taking pictures of things with my birthday camera. Getting a cooking job at a fancy Glaswegian restaurant. Stuff like that. How about you?

Really? That sounds cool / horrible / interesting / boring.***

But back to the matter(s) at hand, which would be this website and its book, and my ability to update and entertain you, the following “countdown to publication” weeks will see the following things:

  1. A new tumblr theme for ATIAC, which should be up and running.
  2. Some discarded, rejected, dejected, unused but not unloved covers for the ATIAC book, which did not make the cut for various reasons.
  3. Some new entries, as well as some old entries. Some animals, talking, in all caps. As it should be.
  4. Little teeny tiny bracketed text beneath the captions that says ‘preorder the book’ like this: [preorder the book] which is an eensy bit annoying but not really because it’s so small (which is a decent insult for your ex’s penis). I’m sorry. I have to put it there, according to my publishers (which is a decent line to use if you have a penis and you’re trying to kick it with someone).
  5. Possible photo/caption contests, or some kind of contest, because people like contests (this is also according to my publishers, who think they know all sorts of things).

Don’t worry, though. Mostly it will just be ATIAC as it’s been presented to you since time immemorial. In capslock, for no reason, because I enjoy it.

I will be working 55 hours per week every week, though, so if some entries are just a spider crab going “BLEEEAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH” or “PLZ KILL ME I NEED SLEEEEEEEEP” that’s why.

I miss you guys. I do.

Apologies again for the extended absence. Blame Scotland.

Love and kisses and talking fishes,

Justin V.



* I’ve never had kids but I read a lot of science books, so I’m basically a science expert about babies.

** As good as before, or slightly less good.

*** Pick one.

6:13 pm - Wed, May 29, 2013
891 notes
"LUNCH BREAK" THEY CALL IT. THIRTY MINUTES. TAKES ME TEN JUST TO GET TO THE STREET AND TEN AGAIN TO GET BACK TO MY DESK. LIKE THERE’S ANYTHING RELAXING OR "BREAK" LIKE IN TRYING TO ORDER, TRANSPORT, AND EAT A DAMNED MEAL IN TEN MINUTES. IT’S ENOUGH TO GIVE YOU AN ULCER.
MIGHT AS WELL JUST STAY IN THE OFFICE. EAT A HANDFUL OF FLIES OR SOME SKITTLES OR SOMETHING. THEN AGAIN, THAT KIND OF ATTITUDE IS WHY I’VE PUT ON SO MUCH WEIGHT.
… THIS JOB SUCKS.

"LUNCH BREAK" THEY CALL IT. THIRTY MINUTES. TAKES ME TEN JUST TO GET TO THE STREET AND TEN AGAIN TO GET BACK TO MY DESK. LIKE THERE’S ANYTHING RELAXING OR "BREAK" LIKE IN TRYING TO ORDER, TRANSPORT, AND EAT A DAMNED MEAL IN TEN MINUTES. IT’S ENOUGH TO GIVE YOU AN ULCER.

MIGHT AS WELL JUST STAY IN THE OFFICE. EAT A HANDFUL OF FLIES OR SOME SKITTLES OR SOMETHING. THEN AGAIN, THAT KIND OF ATTITUDE IS WHY I’VE PUT ON SO MUCH WEIGHT.

… THIS JOB SUCKS.

2:17 pm - Tue, May 28, 2013
1,566 notes
OH GOD, WHERE AM I? WHAT DAY IS IT? WHY WON’T MY BODY MOVE PROPERLY?
WHERE ARE MY FRIENDS? WHAT COUNTRY AM I IN? WHAT IS MY NAME? 
AH, IT’S NO USE. I CAN’T REMEMBER. IT’S ALL GONE. EVERYTHING, JUST GONE. LOST IN A FOG OF PAIN AND NAUSEA.
…
…
DAMN YOU, TEQUILA! 

OH GOD, WHERE AM I? WHAT DAY IS IT? WHY WON’T MY BODY MOVE PROPERLY?

WHERE ARE MY FRIENDS? WHAT COUNTRY AM I IN? WHAT IS MY NAME? 

AH, IT’S NO USE. I CAN’T REMEMBER. IT’S ALL GONE. EVERYTHING, JUST GONE. LOST IN A FOG OF PAIN AND NAUSEA.

DAMN YOU, TEQUILA! 

3:09 pm - Thu, May 9, 2013
1,311 notes
WIND AT A PERFECTLY PLEASANT TEN KNOTS. 
CLEAR SKIES ALL THE WAY TO THE HORIZON. 
AT LEAST TWO THOUSAND MILES FROM ANY SORT OF LAND MASS … 
YES, SIR. THIS IS AS FAR FROM MY EX-WIFE AS YOU CAN GET WITHOUT GOING INTO SPACE.

WIND AT A PERFECTLY PLEASANT TEN KNOTS. 

CLEAR SKIES ALL THE WAY TO THE HORIZON. 

AT LEAST TWO THOUSAND MILES FROM ANY SORT OF LAND MASS … 

YES, SIR. THIS IS AS FAR FROM MY EX-WIFE AS YOU CAN GET WITHOUT GOING INTO SPACE.

4:01 pm - Fri, Apr 26, 2013
677 notes
NANCY, PLEASE STOP TALKING. CHAD, ARE YOU SMILING THIS TIME? IF NOT YOU’D BETTER BE SMIZING.
COME ON, GUYS. I NEED EVERYONE TO STOP DICKING AROUND AND NAIL THIS.
WHATEVER PERSONAL BULLSHIT YOU BROUGHT TO THE SHOOT, JUST … MODEL THROUGH IT, OKAY?

NANCY, PLEASE STOP TALKING. CHAD, ARE YOU SMILING THIS TIME? IF NOT YOU’D BETTER BE SMIZING.

COME ON, GUYS. I NEED EVERYONE TO STOP DICKING AROUND AND NAIL THIS.

WHATEVER PERSONAL BULLSHIT YOU BROUGHT TO THE SHOOT, JUST … MODEL THROUGH IT, OKAY?

3:55 pm - Thu, Apr 25, 2013
3,487 notes
LOOK, WE’VE BEEN OVER THIS. NOW’S NOT THE TIME FOR COLD FEET. WE GO IN. YOU DO EXACTLY WHAT WE TALKED ABOUT. I DO MY THING. WE WALK OUT WITH THE MONEY. NOBODY GETS HURT. BING BANG BOOM. DONE AND DONE. 
YOU START GETTIN’ IDEAS, YOU START HAVIN’ SECOND THOUGHTS …THEN I GOTTA WORRY ABOUT YOU AND I CAN’T CONCENTRATE ON MY THING, YOU UNDERSTAND? I CAN’T CONCENTRATE, MAYBE SOMEBODY DOES GET HURT, AND NOBODY WANTS THAT. SO JUST STICK TO THE PLAN, YEAH? JUST BE COOL.
LOOK AT ME. LOOK ME IN THE EYE. 
DON’T FUCK THIS UP.

LOOK, WE’VE BEEN OVER THIS. NOW’S NOT THE TIME FOR COLD FEET. WE GO IN. YOU DO EXACTLY WHAT WE TALKED ABOUT. I DO MY THING. WE WALK OUT WITH THE MONEY. NOBODY GETS HURT. BING BANG BOOM. DONE AND DONE. 

YOU START GETTIN’ IDEAS, YOU START HAVIN’ SECOND THOUGHTS …THEN I GOTTA WORRY ABOUT YOU AND I CAN’T CONCENTRATE ON MY THING, YOU UNDERSTAND? I CAN’T CONCENTRATE, MAYBE SOMEBODY DOES GET HURT, AND NOBODY WANTS THAT. SO JUST STICK TO THE PLAN, YEAH? JUST BE COOL.

LOOK AT ME. LOOK ME IN THE EYE. 

DON’T FUCK THIS UP.

4:00 pm - Tue, Apr 23, 2013
3,751 notes
CHERYL, PLEASE, I’M SORRY. YOU KNOW I DIDN’T MEAN IT. JUST LET ME IN AND WE CAN TALK ABOUT THIS. 
…
CHERYL, HONEY. COME ON. I LOVE YOU. YOU’RE BEING UNREASONABLE. 
…
THIS IS A SILLY ARGUMENT, FOR WHICH I’VE APOLOGIZED, AND THE LONGER I’M OUT HERE THE HIGHER THE RISK I’M DEVOURED BY AN INSECTIVOROUS PREDATOR.
…
SERIOUSLY, CHERYL,  IT’S GETTING DARK. YOU’VE MADE YOUR POINT.
…
… CHERYL?
… PLEASE?

CHERYL, PLEASE, I’M SORRY. YOU KNOW I DIDN’T MEAN IT. JUST LET ME IN AND WE CAN TALK ABOUT THIS. 

CHERYL, HONEY. COME ON. I LOVE YOU. YOU’RE BEING UNREASONABLE. 

THIS IS A SILLY ARGUMENT, FOR WHICH I’VE APOLOGIZED, AND THE LONGER I’M OUT HERE THE HIGHER THE RISK I’M DEVOURED BY AN INSECTIVOROUS PREDATOR.

SERIOUSLY, CHERYL,  IT’S GETTING DARK. YOU’VE MADE YOUR POINT.

… CHERYL?

… PLEASE?

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