2:15 pm - Mon, Jun 17, 2013
2,374 notes
WHAT IS THIS? LOOK AT THIS. HAVE I MAGICALLY BEEN TRANSPORTED TO THE HEART OF THE SAHARA? AM I ON THE BONNEVILLE SALT FLATS?
YOU NEED MOISTURIZER, NICK. DESPERATELY.

[preorder the book]

WHAT IS THIS? LOOK AT THIS. HAVE I MAGICALLY BEEN TRANSPORTED TO THE HEART OF THE SAHARA? AM I ON THE BONNEVILLE SALT FLATS?

YOU NEED MOISTURIZER, NICK. DESPERATELY.

[preorder the book]

4:30 pm - Fri, Jun 14, 2013
2,084 notes
YOU THINK I GIVE A SLIPPERY SHIT ABOUT ‘TODAY’S YOUTH’? RUNNIN’ AROUND WITH THEIR SPACE BEEPERS, GOOGLING EACH OTHER OR WHATEVER IT IS THEY DO? 
BUNCH OF PISH. BACK IN MY DAY WE DIDN’T HAVE ZIMA XXX OR PISSED OFF BIRDS OR ANY OF THAT CRAP. I SWAM UPSTREAM, BOTH WAYS, JUST TO GO TO WORK FOR NINE HOURS. NOW THEY JUST SIT AT HOME AND BLOG ABOUT HOW HARD THEY GOT IT. ONLY THING HARD ABOUT LIVING IN THIS DAY AND AGE IS SITTING THROUGH FIVE MINUTES OF THAT GARBAGE THEY CALL MUSIC. 
“GRANDPA, HAVE YOU HEARD THE NEW LADY GOGGLES SONG?”
“GRANDPA, DO YOU LIKE NANCY MINAJ?”
IT’S ALL JUST NOISE. HORRIBLE NOISE.

[preorder the book]

YOU THINK I GIVE A SLIPPERY SHIT ABOUT ‘TODAY’S YOUTH’? RUNNIN’ AROUND WITH THEIR SPACE BEEPERS, GOOGLING EACH OTHER OR WHATEVER IT IS THEY DO? 

BUNCH OF PISH. BACK IN MY DAY WE DIDN’T HAVE ZIMA XXX OR PISSED OFF BIRDS OR ANY OF THAT CRAP. I SWAM UPSTREAM, BOTH WAYS, JUST TO GO TO WORK FOR NINE HOURS. NOW THEY JUST SIT AT HOME AND BLOG ABOUT HOW HARD THEY GOT IT. ONLY THING HARD ABOUT LIVING IN THIS DAY AND AGE IS SITTING THROUGH FIVE MINUTES OF THAT GARBAGE THEY CALL MUSIC. 

“GRANDPA, HAVE YOU HEARD THE NEW LADY GOGGLES SONG?”

“GRANDPA, DO YOU LIKE NANCY MINAJ?”

IT’S ALL JUST NOISE. HORRIBLE NOISE.

[preorder the book]

2:15 pm
2,681 notes
WHAT AM I DOING IN HERE, TENNISON? QUITE SIMPLE, REALLY. I OWN THIS DRAWER, LIKE I OWN THIS COMPANY, AND I WILL OCCUPY WHATEVER PORTION OF THE COMPANY I FEEL LIKE, WHENEVER I FEEL LIKE, AND UNLESS YOU CAN FIND ‘EXPLAINING MY ACTIONS TO SLACKJAWED, BUNGLING ACCOUNT EXECUTIVES’ SOMEWHERE ON MY C.V. I SUGGEST YOU SIT DOWN AT THAT DESK I GRACIOUSLY ALLOW YOU TO HAVE AND STOP WASTING MY TIME WITH YOUR BABBLE. IF I WANTED TO BE DISAPPOINTED BY YOUR SEMI-COHERENT RAMBLING I’D CALL A SALES MEETING.
NOW WHERE ARE THOSE REPORTS I ASKED FOR? 
STOP LOOKING AROUND, YOU TIT. I’M SITTING ON THEM. HOW DID YOU GET THIS JOB? AM I YOUR FATHER? DO YOU HAVE BLACKMAIL PHOTOS OF ME? CAN YOU EVEN READ, TENNISON?
I’M GOING TO GO DOWN TO 14 AND SLEEP IN THE 11”X17” PAPER TRAY IN THE COPY ROOM. I’LL BE BACK AT 3 AND I EXPECT YOU’LL HAVE THE SECOND QUARTER PROJECTIONS COMPLETED AND FAXED OVER TO MARTY.

[preorder the book]

WHAT AM I DOING IN HERE, TENNISON? QUITE SIMPLE, REALLY. I OWN THIS DRAWER, LIKE I OWN THIS COMPANY, AND I WILL OCCUPY WHATEVER PORTION OF THE COMPANY I FEEL LIKE, WHENEVER I FEEL LIKE, AND UNLESS YOU CAN FIND ‘EXPLAINING MY ACTIONS TO SLACKJAWED, BUNGLING ACCOUNT EXECUTIVES’ SOMEWHERE ON MY C.V. I SUGGEST YOU SIT DOWN AT THAT DESK I GRACIOUSLY ALLOW YOU TO HAVE AND STOP WASTING MY TIME WITH YOUR BABBLE. IF I WANTED TO BE DISAPPOINTED BY YOUR SEMI-COHERENT RAMBLING I’D CALL A SALES MEETING.

NOW WHERE ARE THOSE REPORTS I ASKED FOR? 

STOP LOOKING AROUND, YOU TIT. I’M SITTING ON THEM. HOW DID YOU GET THIS JOB? AM I YOUR FATHER? DO YOU HAVE BLACKMAIL PHOTOS OF ME? CAN YOU EVEN READ, TENNISON?

I’M GOING TO GO DOWN TO 14 AND SLEEP IN THE 11”X17” PAPER TRAY IN THE COPY ROOM. I’LL BE BACK AT 3 AND I EXPECT YOU’LL HAVE THE SECOND QUARTER PROJECTIONS COMPLETED AND FAXED OVER TO MARTY.

[preorder the book]

4:30 pm - Thu, Jun 13, 2013
2,086 notes

PFFFFFFFFFT! UGH! THIS ISN’T VODKA!
OH GOD IT’S SO SALTY!
THIS IS BULLSHIT!


[preorder the book]

PFFFFFFFFFT! UGH! THIS ISN’T VODKA!

OH GOD IT’S SO SALTY!

THIS IS BULLSHIT!

[preorder the book]

2:15 pm
2,176 notes
GET YOUR LITTLE DICKGRABBERS OFF ME, TOUGH GUY, OR I’LL DOT YOUR EYE FOR YOU, UNDERSTAND? I KNOW KRAV MAGA! I BENCH LIKE, 25 GRAMS! 

[preorder the book]

GET YOUR LITTLE DICKGRABBERS OFF ME, TOUGH GUY, OR I’LL DOT YOUR EYE FOR YOU, UNDERSTAND? I KNOW KRAV MAGA! I BENCH LIKE, 25 GRAMS! 

[preorder the book]

4:30 pm - Wed, Jun 12, 2013
2,278 notes

OH MY GOD! KAREN!
WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME YOU WERE COMING OVER? I WOULD HAVE CLEANED UP! THE PLACE IS A MESS!


[preorder the book]

OH MY GOD! KAREN!

WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME YOU WERE COMING OVER? I WOULD HAVE CLEANED UP! THE PLACE IS A MESS!

[preorder the book]

2:15 pm
2,673 notes

NEVERMIND. I’LL FIND SOMEONE LIKE YOU.
I WISH NOTHING BUT THE BEST FOR YOU TOO.
DON’T FORGET ME, I BEGGED.
BUT I REMEMBER YOU SAID:
SOMETIMES IT LASTS IN LOVE BUT SOMETIMES IT HURTS INSTEAD.
SOMETIMES IT LASTS IN LOVE.
BUT SOMETIMES IT HURSTS INSTEAD.



[preorder the book]

NEVERMIND. I’LL FIND SOMEONE LIKE YOU.

I WISH NOTHING BUT THE BEST FOR YOU TOO.

DON’T FORGET ME, I BEGGED.

BUT I REMEMBER YOU SAID:

SOMETIMES IT LASTS IN LOVE BUT SOMETIMES IT HURTS INSTEAD.

SOMETIMES IT LASTS IN LOVE.

BUT SOMETIMES IT HURSTS INSTEAD.

[preorder the book]

4:30 pm - Tue, Jun 11, 2013
3,993 notes
AH, MR. AND MRS. DEVONSHIRE! WELCOME!
LUCIUS WILL TAKE YOUR COATS. PLEASE, FOLLOW HIM TO THE MAIN BALLROOM. I SHALL JOIN YOU PRESENTLY. I’M SIMPLY TAKING THE AIR FOR A MOMENT.
LOVELY DAY, ISN’T IT?
SIMPLY LOVELY.


[preorder the book]

AH, MR. AND MRS. DEVONSHIRE! WELCOME!

LUCIUS WILL TAKE YOUR COATS. PLEASE, FOLLOW HIM TO THE MAIN BALLROOM. I SHALL JOIN YOU PRESENTLY. I’M SIMPLY TAKING THE AIR FOR A MOMENT.

LOVELY DAY, ISN’T IT?

SIMPLY LOVELY.

[preorder the book]

2:15 pm
1,836 notes
CAN YOU BELIEVE THE WHOLE SEASON’S OVER ALREADY?
NO! I’M PISSED!
MORE LIKE GAME OF NOT ENOUGH EPISODES, AM I RIGHT?
SERIOUSLY! WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO FOR NINE MONTHS? READ THE BOOKS?!

CAN YOU BELIEVE THE WHOLE SEASON’S OVER ALREADY?

NO! I’M PISSED!

MORE LIKE GAME OF NOT ENOUGH EPISODES, AM I RIGHT?

SERIOUSLY! WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO FOR NINE MONTHS? READ THE BOOKS?!

4:30 pm - Mon, Jun 10, 2013
2,391 notes
NO OFFENSE BUT YOUR WIFE’S GRAMMAR IS ATROCIOUS. I’M SURE SHE’S A LOVELY WOMAN BUT THIS MIGHT AS WELL BE WRITTEN IN CRAYON.


[preorder the book]

NO OFFENSE BUT YOUR WIFE’S GRAMMAR IS ATROCIOUS. I’M SURE SHE’S A LOVELY WOMAN BUT THIS MIGHT AS WELL BE WRITTEN IN CRAYON.

[preorder the book]

2:15 pm
918 notes
ARE YOU LEAVING? AGAIN? ROOMMATES ARE SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE A LITTLE FAMILY THAT SHARES BILLS AND SECRETS AND A BATHROOM! YOU GUYS NEVER INVITE ME ANYWHERE! 
[preorder the book]

ARE YOU LEAVING? AGAIN? ROOMMATES ARE SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE A LITTLE FAMILY THAT SHARES BILLS AND SECRETS AND A BATHROOM! YOU GUYS NEVER INVITE ME ANYWHERE! 


[preorder the book]

10:11 pm - Sun, Jun 9, 2013
615 notes

Do you guys remember when this tumblr was going to be a book?

Because that’s still happening, in August. August 6th, actually, which is only nine short weeks from now. Nine weeks is how long it takes to have a baby! We could all have babies by the time the book comes out!*

And look, I know what you’re thinking. Justin, you have barely updated this inane tumblr since you packed up your meager possessions and moved 9000 miles away to a completely different continent to begin your proper married life with your hot Glaswegian wife we helped you marry over a year ago. 

And you’re right, faceless hordes. You’re absolutely right. I have been remiss. I have shirked my duties so I could perform whimsical fripperies like “learning Scottish slang” and “sex humping my wife” and “getting a job in a foreign country”, and for that I apologize. 

If I have let you down, let us agree that it was as a parking garage elevator lets you down. To get to your car, which is in the basement. Because I’m helpful like that. Not like your government, Western capitalism, and society at large have let you down, which is completely, and without recourse. Unlike your job prospects and hope of a happy future, ATIAC is coming back. Better than ever.** Because I love you, and miss your mute, tumblr-email-y voices.

And listen, that months-long stretch where I didn’t leave my desk for 11 hours a day while I pored over animal photos and Google image search, living on microwave meals and whiskey? That had a point, and that point is the tangible, booky version of this here tumblr, which I hope you will both preorder and enjoy in unequal measure. Apparently (and this is news to me as well as you) preorders are a huge thing now and count toward first-week sales figures, which is how in 20 years every Koresh-y cult leader will have a NYT bestseller by whipping his/her followers into an online frenzy of Amazon clicking, ensuring his/her message gets national distribution and optioned movie rights. But right here, right now, in June 2013, the power of the preorder can be used for good, not evil. You can do something like … I don’t know … preorder my stupid book, say, and the only thing that will happen is that you will get it in the mail in August and chuckle about it on the long, horrid commute to your cubicle job or college campus. Maybe use it to prop up that table leg that lost its little rubber foot and always wobbles. That’s it. No fuss, no muss, no spiritual and social revolution. Just me, you, a couple clicks and a shared grin or two.

Honestly, I’m not sure what you’ll do with an Animals Talking In All Caps book except throw it at your deadbeat boyfriend in a fit of rage but nonetheless, I’d like you to own a copy, which you can do by clicking here or here or here or here. Hell, click here or here if you like. Click wherever. It’s your computer. You click where you want. I’m not the boss of you.

How’s Scotland? I pretend you ask. Lovely. it’s just lovely. Thanks for asking.

What have you been doing? Oh, nothing. Just cooking and reading Orwell and touching my wife’s boobs. Taking pictures of things with my birthday camera. Getting a cooking job at a fancy Glaswegian restaurant. Stuff like that. How about you?

Really? That sounds cool / horrible / interesting / boring.***

But back to the matter(s) at hand, which would be this website and its book, and my ability to update and entertain you, the following “countdown to publication” weeks will see the following things:

  1. A new tumblr theme for ATIAC, which should be up and running.
  2. Some discarded, rejected, dejected, unused but not unloved covers for the ATIAC book, which did not make the cut for various reasons.
  3. Some new entries, as well as some old entries. Some animals, talking, in all caps. As it should be.
  4. Little teeny tiny bracketed text beneath the captions that says ‘preorder the book’ like this: [preorder the book] which is an eensy bit annoying but not really because it’s so small (which is a decent insult for your ex’s penis). I’m sorry. I have to put it there, according to my publishers (which is a decent line to use if you have a penis and you’re trying to kick it with someone).
  5. Possible photo/caption contests, or some kind of contest, because people like contests (this is also according to my publishers, who think they know all sorts of things).

Don’t worry, though. Mostly it will just be ATIAC as it’s been presented to you since time immemorial. In capslock, for no reason, because I enjoy it.

I will be working 55 hours per week every week, though, so if some entries are just a spider crab going “BLEEEAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH” or “PLZ KILL ME I NEED SLEEEEEEEEP” that’s why.

I miss you guys. I do.

Apologies again for the extended absence. Blame Scotland.

Love and kisses and talking fishes,

Justin V.



* I’ve never had kids but I read a lot of science books, so I’m basically a science expert about babies.

** As good as before, or slightly less good.

*** Pick one.

6:13 pm - Wed, May 29, 2013
897 notes
"LUNCH BREAK" THEY CALL IT. THIRTY MINUTES. TAKES ME TEN JUST TO GET TO THE STREET AND TEN AGAIN TO GET BACK TO MY DESK. LIKE THERE’S ANYTHING RELAXING OR "BREAK" LIKE IN TRYING TO ORDER, TRANSPORT, AND EAT A DAMNED MEAL IN TEN MINUTES. IT’S ENOUGH TO GIVE YOU AN ULCER.
MIGHT AS WELL JUST STAY IN THE OFFICE. EAT A HANDFUL OF FLIES OR SOME SKITTLES OR SOMETHING. THEN AGAIN, THAT KIND OF ATTITUDE IS WHY I’VE PUT ON SO MUCH WEIGHT.
… THIS JOB SUCKS.

"LUNCH BREAK" THEY CALL IT. THIRTY MINUTES. TAKES ME TEN JUST TO GET TO THE STREET AND TEN AGAIN TO GET BACK TO MY DESK. LIKE THERE’S ANYTHING RELAXING OR "BREAK" LIKE IN TRYING TO ORDER, TRANSPORT, AND EAT A DAMNED MEAL IN TEN MINUTES. IT’S ENOUGH TO GIVE YOU AN ULCER.

MIGHT AS WELL JUST STAY IN THE OFFICE. EAT A HANDFUL OF FLIES OR SOME SKITTLES OR SOMETHING. THEN AGAIN, THAT KIND OF ATTITUDE IS WHY I’VE PUT ON SO MUCH WEIGHT.

… THIS JOB SUCKS.

2:17 pm - Tue, May 28, 2013
1,575 notes
OH GOD, WHERE AM I? WHAT DAY IS IT? WHY WON’T MY BODY MOVE PROPERLY?
WHERE ARE MY FRIENDS? WHAT COUNTRY AM I IN? WHAT IS MY NAME? 
AH, IT’S NO USE. I CAN’T REMEMBER. IT’S ALL GONE. EVERYTHING, JUST GONE. LOST IN A FOG OF PAIN AND NAUSEA.
…
…
DAMN YOU, TEQUILA! 

OH GOD, WHERE AM I? WHAT DAY IS IT? WHY WON’T MY BODY MOVE PROPERLY?

WHERE ARE MY FRIENDS? WHAT COUNTRY AM I IN? WHAT IS MY NAME? 

AH, IT’S NO USE. I CAN’T REMEMBER. IT’S ALL GONE. EVERYTHING, JUST GONE. LOST IN A FOG OF PAIN AND NAUSEA.

DAMN YOU, TEQUILA! 

3:09 pm - Thu, May 9, 2013
1,315 notes
WIND AT A PERFECTLY PLEASANT TEN KNOTS. 
CLEAR SKIES ALL THE WAY TO THE HORIZON. 
AT LEAST TWO THOUSAND MILES FROM ANY SORT OF LAND MASS … 
YES, SIR. THIS IS AS FAR FROM MY EX-WIFE AS YOU CAN GET WITHOUT GOING INTO SPACE.

WIND AT A PERFECTLY PLEASANT TEN KNOTS. 

CLEAR SKIES ALL THE WAY TO THE HORIZON. 

AT LEAST TWO THOUSAND MILES FROM ANY SORT OF LAND MASS … 

YES, SIR. THIS IS AS FAR FROM MY EX-WIFE AS YOU CAN GET WITHOUT GOING INTO SPACE.

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