-
TAKE ANOTHER STEP, TOUGH GUY, AND I WILL PULL SOME SHIT THAT WOULD MAKE JASON STATHAM SHIT IN HIS PANTS.
YOU TOO, BUTTERCUP. JUST BACK OFF. YOU DON’T WANT TO TEST ME TODAY.
-
’ CAUSE BABY TONIGHT! THE DJ GOT US FALLING IN LOVE AGAIN! YEAH BABY, TONIGHT! THE DJ GOT US FALLING IN LOVE AGAIN!
SO DANCE (DANCE) LIKE IT’S THE LAST (LAST) NIGHT OF YOUR LIFE (LIFE)!
WILL YOU TWO STOP FUCKING AROUND AND MARCH? IT’S LIKE, ANOTHER TWELVE HOURS TO THE BEACH.
JUST IGNORE THEM, SHARON. THEY’RE JUVENILE MALES.
-
THERE’S NO WAY I’M LETTING YOU WALK ME IN THAT OUTFIT.
THAT’S “FASHION” THE WAY A WHITE CASTLE HAMBURGER IS “BEEF”.
-
I DON’T WANT THIS TO TURN INTO A FIGHT OR ANYTHING, BUT I THINK I’M GOING TO MOVE OUT.
WE JUST HAVE REALLY DIFFERENT INTERESTS.
-
OHHHHHH! RANDY! BRO! YOU LOOK LIKE MILEY CYRUS, BRO! AND NOT IN A GOOD WAY!
WE’RE BUYING A LOCK FOR THE SCISSORS AND TRIMMERS DRAWER BEFORE WE BUY ANY MORE JÄGER, BUDDY!
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB!
-
IT JUST DOESN’T EVEN REGISTER. TO HER, ALL MY HONEY IS OUR HONEY, BUT ANY HONEY SHE GETS IS HER HONEY. I DON’T SEE A DROP OF IT. I BRING HOME ENOUGH FOR THE BOTH OF US, BUT DO I GET A LITTLE HELP? A LITTLE KICKBACK WHEN SHE’S GOT SOME EXTRA?
Nope, not a drop. My wife’s the exact same way.
YOU GATHER HONEY?
No, money, but the concept is incredibly similar.
-
FUCK OFF, CREEPER! PUT THE CAMERA PHONE AWAY! THERE ISN’T EVEN ANY SERVICE ON THE BEACH! I KNOW YOU’RE NOT TEXTING!
THEY WRITE LAW & ORDER: SVU EPISODES ABOUT SHIT LIKE THIS! WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU?
-
HEY.
HI.
HOW WAS WORK?
DID YOU GET A BOYFRIEND?
YOU LOOK GREAT.
YOU REALLY DO.
HI.
WELCOME HOME.
NICE TO SEE YOU.
ANY HUNKY DUDES AT THE OLD WORKPLACE?
HOW’S THE WEATHER?
I SHIT IN THE CLOSET.
WANT TO GO ON THE INTERNET?
I LOVE THE INTERNET.
HOW WAS WORK?
I’M HUNGRY.
WE MISSED YOU.
I’M HUNGRY TOO.
YOU LOOK STUNNING.
ALL MATTER IS MERELY ENERGY CONDENSED TO A SLOW VIBRATION.
LET’S WATCH TV.
HOW WAS WORK?
-
LOOK AT THIS THING, WOULD YOU? IT’S CRAZY.
BARELY MAKES ANY SENSE, TO BE HONEST.
NATURE IS SO FUCKED UP.
I KNOW, RIGHT?
-
OH, SURE. MAKE ME OUT TO BE THE BAD GUY HERE. I THOUGHT I’D HAVE A *COUPLE* OF LITTLE VODKAS BEFORE I CAME OVER AND SAT THROUGH GRANDMA’S RACIST MONOLOGUES AND UNCLE PAUL’S FOX NEWS TALKING POINTS. IS THAT A CRIME? AM I A CRIMINAL NOW? IS THIS THE … CRIME PLACE?
AM I EVEN AT THE RIGHT HOUSE? IT MIGHT BE ALL THE ALCOHOL BUT THE FOOD IS ACTUALLY KIND OF DELICIOUS FOR ONCE.
IF NOT, DO YOU MIND IF I STAY ANYWAY? I PROBABLY SHOULDN’T BE DRIVING.
-
THE HOLIDAYS ARE THE ABSOLUTE WORST. EVERY COOKIE OR LOVER I EAT GOES STRAIGHT TO MY ASS.
I’M JOINING A GYM RIGHT AFTER CHRISTMAS. I MEAN IT THIS TIME.
-
LADY, BY YONDER BLESSED MOON I SWEAR THAT TIPS WITH SILVER ALL THESE FRUIT TREE TOPS-
O, SWEAR NOT BY THE MOON, THE INCONSTANT MOON,THAT MONTHLY CHANGES IN HER CIRCLED ORB, LEST THAT THY LOVE PROVE LIKEWISE VARIABLE.
Um, excuse me. I’m right here. That was incredibly rude.
SHUT UP! CAN’T YOU SEE WE’RE TRYING TO HAVE A CONVERSATION?
No, you shut up. You’re like … thirteen. I’m the moon. I’m old as balls.
-
MOM, SERIOUSLY! STOP! I’VE GOT LIKE … FORTY POUNDS OF PRODUCT IN MY HAIR RIGHT NOW! IT’S A “MESSY LOOK” OKAY? THERE’S NOTHING TO FIX! I STYLE IT LIKE THAT ON PURPOSE TO AFFECT AN AIR OF UNCONCERNED NONCHALANCE AND EFFORTLESS COOL!
