4:00 pm - Tue, Apr 23, 2013
3,752 notes
CHERYL, PLEASE, I’M SORRY. YOU KNOW I DIDN’T MEAN IT. JUST LET ME IN AND WE CAN TALK ABOUT THIS. 
…
CHERYL, HONEY. COME ON. I LOVE YOU. YOU’RE BEING UNREASONABLE. 
…
THIS IS A SILLY ARGUMENT, FOR WHICH I’VE APOLOGIZED, AND THE LONGER I’M OUT HERE THE HIGHER THE RISK I’M DEVOURED BY AN INSECTIVOROUS PREDATOR.
…
SERIOUSLY, CHERYL,  IT’S GETTING DARK. YOU’VE MADE YOUR POINT.
…
… CHERYL?
… PLEASE?

CHERYL, PLEASE, I’M SORRY. YOU KNOW I DIDN’T MEAN IT. JUST LET ME IN AND WE CAN TALK ABOUT THIS. 

CHERYL, HONEY. COME ON. I LOVE YOU. YOU’RE BEING UNREASONABLE. 

THIS IS A SILLY ARGUMENT, FOR WHICH I’VE APOLOGIZED, AND THE LONGER I’M OUT HERE THE HIGHER THE RISK I’M DEVOURED BY AN INSECTIVOROUS PREDATOR.

SERIOUSLY, CHERYL,  IT’S GETTING DARK. YOU’VE MADE YOUR POINT.

… CHERYL?

… PLEASE?

1:57 pm - Tue, Apr 16, 2013
806 notes
ARE YOU SERIOUS? IT’S ONLY BEEN DRY FOR LIKE … FORTY MINUTES. ALL I DID WAS MAKE A PHONE CALL AND READ MY US WEEKLY.
I SWEAR TO GOD THIS CHEAP-ASS DRUGSTORE NAIL POLISH CHIPS EVERY TIME YOU MOVE YOUR HAND.

ARE YOU SERIOUS? IT’S ONLY BEEN DRY FOR LIKE … FORTY MINUTES. ALL I DID WAS MAKE A PHONE CALL AND READ MY US WEEKLY.

I SWEAR TO GOD THIS CHEAP-ASS DRUGSTORE NAIL POLISH CHIPS EVERY TIME YOU MOVE YOUR HAND.

4:20 pm - Mon, Apr 15, 2013
2,027 notes
DUH DOOH DUH DA DOO …
GOODNIGHT SWEETHEART, WELL IT’S TIME TO GO.
DUH DOOH DUH DA DOO …
GOODNIGHT SWEETHEART, WELL IT’S TIME TO GO.
DUH DOO DAH DOOOO …

DUH DOOH DUH DA DOO …

GOODNIGHT SWEETHEART, WELL IT’S TIME TO GO.

DUH DOOH DUH DA DOO …

GOODNIGHT SWEETHEART, WELL IT’S TIME TO GO.

DUH DOO DAH DOOOO …

1:40 pm
3,192 notes
HA HAAAA! MY EXPERIMENT WAS A SUCCESS! IF I HAD LISTENED TO THOSE FRIGHTENED FOOLS IT COULD HAVE TAKEN DECADES OF ETHICAL DEBATES AND REGULATORY DELAYS BEFORE WE ACHIEVED THIS LEVEL OF VIABLE PROOF! 
ADMITTEDLY, THE SATISFACTION I FEEL AS A RESULT OF MY UNORTHODOX SCIENTIFIC ACUMEN IS TEMPERED BY THE FACT THAT I CAN’T POINT MY FACE IN THE DIRECTION I WISH TO WALK, PLUS I CAN’T REALLY SEE ANYTHING, BUT BY GOD I’M NOT ABOUT TO LET THAT STOP ME FROM PUBLISHING MY RESULTS!
CAN SOMEONE BRING ME MY LAPTOP, PLEASE?
ANYONE?

HA HAAAA! MY EXPERIMENT WAS A SUCCESS! IF I HAD LISTENED TO THOSE FRIGHTENED FOOLS IT COULD HAVE TAKEN DECADES OF ETHICAL DEBATES AND REGULATORY DELAYS BEFORE WE ACHIEVED THIS LEVEL OF VIABLE PROOF! 

ADMITTEDLY, THE SATISFACTION I FEEL AS A RESULT OF MY UNORTHODOX SCIENTIFIC ACUMEN IS TEMPERED BY THE FACT THAT I CAN’T POINT MY FACE IN THE DIRECTION I WISH TO WALK, PLUS I CAN’T REALLY SEE ANYTHING, BUT BY GOD I’M NOT ABOUT TO LET THAT STOP ME FROM PUBLISHING MY RESULTS!

CAN SOMEONE BRING ME MY LAPTOP, PLEASE?

ANYONE?

4:15 pm - Mon, Apr 8, 2013
1,461 notes
Click the (cover) photo for some information regarding the ATIAC book, which has been keeping me too busy to caption animals for you lately.
Also, it’s almost my anniversary and I just moved to a foreign country so there’s been some other things going on as well. 
But click on the picture (or the word BOOK I just typed) for information on the printed version of this here tumblr, a tumblr that crawls slowly, like a wounded beast, ever onward and upward, buoyed by your love, toward the glimmering light of a bright and beautiful future.
In capslock.

Click the (cover) photo for some information regarding the ATIAC book, which has been keeping me too busy to caption animals for you lately.

Also, it’s almost my anniversary and I just moved to a foreign country so there’s been some other things going on as well. 

But click on the picture (or the word BOOK I just typed) for information on the printed version of this here tumblr, a tumblr that crawls slowly, like a wounded beast, ever onward and upward, buoyed by your love, toward the glimmering light of a bright and beautiful future.

In capslock.

1:20 pm - Wed, Apr 3, 2013
1,093 notes
HEY, HOW’S IT GOING. I HEARD RICK DUMPED YOU AND YOU WERE DRINKING A LOT. HE WAS A JERK. EVERYONE THOUGHT SO. DID YOU HAVE A GOOD HIBERNATION? IT LOOKS LIKE IT. I CAN SEE YOU’VE FILLED OUT A BIT. NOT LIKE, A TON OF WEIGHT OR ANYTHING. YOU JUST LOOK HEALTHY NOW, YOU KNOW? LESS GAGA, MORE BEY.
WHAT ARE YOU, THE UNSOLICITED OPINION FACTORY? I HATE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW.
OOOOOH, OR KELIS! EXACTLY!

HEY, HOW’S IT GOING. I HEARD RICK DUMPED YOU AND YOU WERE DRINKING A LOT. HE WAS A JERK. EVERYONE THOUGHT SO. DID YOU HAVE A GOOD HIBERNATION? IT LOOKS LIKE IT. I CAN SEE YOU’VE FILLED OUT A BIT. NOT LIKE, A TON OF WEIGHT OR ANYTHING. YOU JUST LOOK HEALTHY NOW, YOU KNOW? LESS GAGA, MORE BEY.

WHAT ARE YOU, THE UNSOLICITED OPINION FACTORY? I HATE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW.

OOOOOH, OR KELIS! EXACTLY!

12:20 pm - Mon, Mar 25, 2013
1,193 notes
IT SEEMS NO ONE CAN HELP ME NOW.
I’M IN TOO DEEP, THERE’S NO WAY OUT.
THIS TIME I HAVE REALLY LED MYSELF ASTRAY.
RUNAWAY TRAIN, NEVER GOING BACK!
WRONG WAY ON A ONE WAY TRA-A-ACK!
SEEMS LIKE I SHOULD BE GETTING SOMEWHERE,
SOMEHOW I’M NEITHER HERE NOR THERE!

IT SEEMS NO ONE CAN HELP ME NOW.

I’M IN TOO DEEP, THERE’S NO WAY OUT.

THIS TIME I HAVE REALLY LED MYSELF ASTRAY.

RUNAWAY TRAIN, NEVER GOING BACK!

WRONG WAY ON A ONE WAY TRA-A-ACK!

SEEMS LIKE I SHOULD BE GETTING SOMEWHERE,

SOMEHOW I’M NEITHER HERE NOR THERE!

1:13 pm - Fri, Mar 22, 2013
1,759 notes
LINDA, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SHOWER GEL? WHAT ABOUT MY CINNAMON MANDIBLE PASTE?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS ASK ME? CHERYL PROBABLY USED THEM BOTH LAST NIGHT.
DON’T EVEN TRY TO DRAG ME INTO THIS. THEY’RE PROBABLY STILL IN HER SUITCASE. I HATE CINNAMON, AND I USE AN EXFOLIATING CARAPACE SCRUB. YOU KNOW THAT.
WILL ONE OF YOU PLEASE GO CHECK? I DON’T WANT TO MISS THE CONTINENTAL BREAKFAST.

LINDA, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SHOWER GEL? WHAT ABOUT MY CINNAMON MANDIBLE PASTE?

WHY DO YOU ALWAYS ASK ME? CHERYL PROBABLY USED THEM BOTH LAST NIGHT.

DON’T EVEN TRY TO DRAG ME INTO THIS. THEY’RE PROBABLY STILL IN HER SUITCASE. I HATE CINNAMON, AND I USE AN EXFOLIATING CARAPACE SCRUB. YOU KNOW THAT.

WILL ONE OF YOU PLEASE GO CHECK? I DON’T WANT TO MISS THE CONTINENTAL BREAKFAST.

2:40 pm - Thu, Mar 21, 2013
1,281 notes
YOU KNOW I DON’T FIND THAT KIND OF NASTY TALK FUNNY, EARL. IT ISN’T SEXY EITHER.  I’VE GOT OVER FOUR HUNDRED ROMANTIC ADVENTURE NOVELS IN THE HALL CLOSET AND THERE’S NOT ONE DASHING HERO IN ANY OF THEM THAT USES THE KIND OF DIRTY PHRASES YOU DO. WHY CAN’T YOU EVER TALK TO ME LIKE A GENTLEMAN? 
PLUS YOU’VE NEVER SPIRITED ME AWAY FROM DANGER ON HORSEBACK. NOT ONCE.

YOU KNOW I DON’T FIND THAT KIND OF NASTY TALK FUNNY, EARL. IT ISN’T SEXY EITHER.  I’VE GOT OVER FOUR HUNDRED ROMANTIC ADVENTURE NOVELS IN THE HALL CLOSET AND THERE’S NOT ONE DASHING HERO IN ANY OF THEM THAT USES THE KIND OF DIRTY PHRASES YOU DO. WHY CAN’T YOU EVER TALK TO ME LIKE A GENTLEMAN? 

PLUS YOU’VE NEVER SPIRITED ME AWAY FROM DANGER ON HORSEBACK. NOT ONCE.

12:20 pm
1,745 notes
DO YOU WANT TO GO TO THE-
HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES AND/OR THE SENATE SO WE CAN WATCH PEOPLE WHO MAKE A BASE SALARY THAT’S SEVEN TIMES THE AMERICAN AVERAGE PASS LAWS THAT BENEFIT THE INTERESTS OF THE MULTINATIONAL CONGLOMERATES WHOSE LOBBYISTS STILL INFEST WASHINGTON LIKE SOME SORT OF LOCUST PLAGUE DESPITE THE PRESIDENT’S CAMPAIGN PROMISES TO REMOVE CORPORATE MONEY FROM THE LEGISLATIVE PROCESS?! YOU BET I DO!
I WAS GOING TO SAY PARK.
NEXT BEST THING!

DO YOU WANT TO GO TO THE-

HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES AND/OR THE SENATE SO WE CAN WATCH PEOPLE WHO MAKE A BASE SALARY THAT’S SEVEN TIMES THE AMERICAN AVERAGE PASS LAWS THAT BENEFIT THE INTERESTS OF THE MULTINATIONAL CONGLOMERATES WHOSE LOBBYISTS STILL INFEST WASHINGTON LIKE SOME SORT OF LOCUST PLAGUE DESPITE THE PRESIDENT’S CAMPAIGN PROMISES TO REMOVE CORPORATE MONEY FROM THE LEGISLATIVE PROCESS?! YOU BET I DO!

I WAS GOING TO SAY PARK.

NEXT BEST THING!

3:00 pm - Wed, Mar 20, 2013
3,311 notes
THAT IS A HELL OF A DRESS.
I MEAN THAT.
SWEET MOTHER OF PEARL YOU LOOK LIKE A CHIC, URBAN GALADRIEL IN THAT THING.

THAT IS A HELL OF A DRESS.

I MEAN THAT.

SWEET MOTHER OF PEARL YOU LOOK LIKE A CHIC, URBAN GALADRIEL IN THAT THING.

12:55 pm
2,353 notes
TEN YEARS. TEN YEARS I WAS MARRIED TO THAT WOMAN. HOLLOWED OUT HALF A MAPLE FOR HER AND THE KIDS. GATHERED I DON’T KNOW HOW MANY NUTS AND SEEDS. THOUSANDS? HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS? THEN SHE UP AND LEAVES ME FOR SOME ASSHOLE FROM THE CITY WHO PROBABLY LIVES ON TOP OF A 7-11 AND EATS GARBAGE OR SOMETHING. JUST LIKE THAT. NO WARNING, NO NOTHING.
"HE’S ARTISTIC."
"HE’S PASSIONATE."
"HE MAKES ME FEEL ALIVE."
I DON’T HAVE PASSIONS? I DON’T LIKE ART THINGS? WHAT DO I MAKE HER FEEL? DEAD? I MEAN COME ON! GIVE ME A BREAK HERE! SOME OF US WERE TOO BUSY PUTTING FOOD IN THE BURROW TO WORK ON OUR POETRY, YOU KNOW?

TEN YEARS. TEN YEARS I WAS MARRIED TO THAT WOMAN. HOLLOWED OUT HALF A MAPLE FOR HER AND THE KIDS. GATHERED I DON’T KNOW HOW MANY NUTS AND SEEDS. THOUSANDS? HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS? THEN SHE UP AND LEAVES ME FOR SOME ASSHOLE FROM THE CITY WHO PROBABLY LIVES ON TOP OF A 7-11 AND EATS GARBAGE OR SOMETHING. JUST LIKE THAT. NO WARNING, NO NOTHING.

"HE’S ARTISTIC."

"HE’S PASSIONATE."

"HE MAKES ME FEEL ALIVE."

I DON’T HAVE PASSIONS? I DON’T LIKE ART THINGS? WHAT DO I MAKE HER FEEL? DEAD? I MEAN COME ON! GIVE ME A BREAK HERE! SOME OF US WERE TOO BUSY PUTTING FOOD IN THE BURROW TO WORK ON OUR POETRY, YOU KNOW?

3:00 pm - Tue, Mar 19, 2013
1,298 notes
THIS IS TORTURE. WHAT KIND OF HOTEL DOESN’T HAVE WIFI? 
AT THIS POINT I’D GLADLY FACEBOOK CHAT WITH MY CRAZY AUNT WHO ALWAYS POSTS MUFFIN RECIPES IF IT MEANT I COULD ALSO CHECK MY EMAIL. THAT’S HOW BAD I WANT THE INTERNET.

THIS IS TORTURE. WHAT KIND OF HOTEL DOESN’T HAVE WIFI? 

AT THIS POINT I’D GLADLY FACEBOOK CHAT WITH MY CRAZY AUNT WHO ALWAYS POSTS MUFFIN RECIPES IF IT MEANT I COULD ALSO CHECK MY EMAIL. THAT’S HOW BAD I WANT THE INTERNET.

12:01 pm
1,826 notes
FASHION IS FLEETING. STYLE IS SOMETHING THEY CAN NEVER TAKE AWAY FROM YOU, AND STYLE IS 80% CONFIDENCE. SO DON’T SECOND GUESS YOURSELF. YOU’VE GOT THIS. YOU OWN THIS LOOK. 
PLUS YOU GOT NEW SHOES AND THAT BUMBLE & BUMBLE SURF SPRAY REALLY GIVES YOUR CURLS A NICE LIFT.
NOW GET OUT THERE AND KNOCK ‘EM DEAD.

FASHION IS FLEETING. STYLE IS SOMETHING THEY CAN NEVER TAKE AWAY FROM YOU, AND STYLE IS 80% CONFIDENCE. SO DON’T SECOND GUESS YOURSELF. YOU’VE GOT THIS. YOU OWN THIS LOOK. 

PLUS YOU GOT NEW SHOES AND THAT BUMBLE & BUMBLE SURF SPRAY REALLY GIVES YOUR CURLS A NICE LIFT.

NOW GET OUT THERE AND KNOCK ‘EM DEAD.

2:57 pm - Mon, Mar 18, 2013
1,165 notes
SINGLE FILE LINE. SINGLE FILE LINE, PLEASE.
GOOD MORNING, AND WELCOME TO POLAR BOB’S POLAR PLAYPLACE. WE’VE GOT ALL KINDS OF EXCITING FLOES AND SNOW PILES FOR YOUR ENJOYMENT, AS WELL AS OUR RENOWNED COLLECTION OF ICICLE COVERED CAVES. RECENT GLOBAL DEVELOPMENTS HAVE REDUCED THE OVERALL LEVELS OF PERMAFROST REVEALING SOME EXCITING HIDDEN LANDSCAPES WHILE CAUSING PREVIOUS ATTRACTIONS TO BREAK OFF AND SINK INTO THE UNFORGIVING SEA, SO THERE’S ALWAYS SOMETHING NEW FOR YOU AND YOUR LOVED ONES TO ENJOY. AS ALWAYS, POLAR BOB’S POLAR ARCADE WILL ONLY COST YOU FIVE FISH, WHICH IN THESE TRYING ECONOMIC TIMES IS SURELY ONE OF THE BETTER BARGAINS TO BE FOUND IN THIS HEMISPHERE, SO STEP RIGHT UP AND WE’LL GET YOU FROLICKING IN NO TIME.
AGAIN, COULD I GET A SINGLE FILE LINE PLEASE? THANKS SO MUCH.

SINGLE FILE LINE. SINGLE FILE LINE, PLEASE.

GOOD MORNING, AND WELCOME TO POLAR BOB’S POLAR PLAYPLACE. WE’VE GOT ALL KINDS OF EXCITING FLOES AND SNOW PILES FOR YOUR ENJOYMENT, AS WELL AS OUR RENOWNED COLLECTION OF ICICLE COVERED CAVES. RECENT GLOBAL DEVELOPMENTS HAVE REDUCED THE OVERALL LEVELS OF PERMAFROST REVEALING SOME EXCITING HIDDEN LANDSCAPES WHILE CAUSING PREVIOUS ATTRACTIONS TO BREAK OFF AND SINK INTO THE UNFORGIVING SEA, SO THERE’S ALWAYS SOMETHING NEW FOR YOU AND YOUR LOVED ONES TO ENJOY. AS ALWAYS, POLAR BOB’S POLAR ARCADE WILL ONLY COST YOU FIVE FISH, WHICH IN THESE TRYING ECONOMIC TIMES IS SURELY ONE OF THE BETTER BARGAINS TO BE FOUND IN THIS HEMISPHERE, SO STEP RIGHT UP AND WE’LL GET YOU FROLICKING IN NO TIME.

AGAIN, COULD I GET A SINGLE FILE LINE PLEASE? THANKS SO MUCH.

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