3:09 pm - Thu, May 9, 2013
1,315 notes
WIND AT A PERFECTLY PLEASANT TEN KNOTS. 
CLEAR SKIES ALL THE WAY TO THE HORIZON. 
AT LEAST TWO THOUSAND MILES FROM ANY SORT OF LAND MASS … 
YES, SIR. THIS IS AS FAR FROM MY EX-WIFE AS YOU CAN GET WITHOUT GOING INTO SPACE.

WIND AT A PERFECTLY PLEASANT TEN KNOTS. 

CLEAR SKIES ALL THE WAY TO THE HORIZON. 

AT LEAST TWO THOUSAND MILES FROM ANY SORT OF LAND MASS … 

YES, SIR. THIS IS AS FAR FROM MY EX-WIFE AS YOU CAN GET WITHOUT GOING INTO SPACE.

4:01 pm - Fri, Apr 26, 2013
679 notes
NANCY, PLEASE STOP TALKING. CHAD, ARE YOU SMILING THIS TIME? IF NOT YOU’D BETTER BE SMIZING.
COME ON, GUYS. I NEED EVERYONE TO STOP DICKING AROUND AND NAIL THIS.
WHATEVER PERSONAL BULLSHIT YOU BROUGHT TO THE SHOOT, JUST … MODEL THROUGH IT, OKAY?

NANCY, PLEASE STOP TALKING. CHAD, ARE YOU SMILING THIS TIME? IF NOT YOU’D BETTER BE SMIZING.

COME ON, GUYS. I NEED EVERYONE TO STOP DICKING AROUND AND NAIL THIS.

WHATEVER PERSONAL BULLSHIT YOU BROUGHT TO THE SHOOT, JUST … MODEL THROUGH IT, OKAY?

3:55 pm - Thu, Apr 25, 2013
3,499 notes
LOOK, WE’VE BEEN OVER THIS. NOW’S NOT THE TIME FOR COLD FEET. WE GO IN. YOU DO EXACTLY WHAT WE TALKED ABOUT. I DO MY THING. WE WALK OUT WITH THE MONEY. NOBODY GETS HURT. BING BANG BOOM. DONE AND DONE. 
YOU START GETTIN’ IDEAS, YOU START HAVIN’ SECOND THOUGHTS …THEN I GOTTA WORRY ABOUT YOU AND I CAN’T CONCENTRATE ON MY THING, YOU UNDERSTAND? I CAN’T CONCENTRATE, MAYBE SOMEBODY DOES GET HURT, AND NOBODY WANTS THAT. SO JUST STICK TO THE PLAN, YEAH? JUST BE COOL.
LOOK AT ME. LOOK ME IN THE EYE. 
DON’T FUCK THIS UP.

LOOK, WE’VE BEEN OVER THIS. NOW’S NOT THE TIME FOR COLD FEET. WE GO IN. YOU DO EXACTLY WHAT WE TALKED ABOUT. I DO MY THING. WE WALK OUT WITH THE MONEY. NOBODY GETS HURT. BING BANG BOOM. DONE AND DONE. 

YOU START GETTIN’ IDEAS, YOU START HAVIN’ SECOND THOUGHTS …THEN I GOTTA WORRY ABOUT YOU AND I CAN’T CONCENTRATE ON MY THING, YOU UNDERSTAND? I CAN’T CONCENTRATE, MAYBE SOMEBODY DOES GET HURT, AND NOBODY WANTS THAT. SO JUST STICK TO THE PLAN, YEAH? JUST BE COOL.

LOOK AT ME. LOOK ME IN THE EYE. 

DON’T FUCK THIS UP.

4:00 pm - Tue, Apr 23, 2013
3,812 notes
CHERYL, PLEASE, I’M SORRY. YOU KNOW I DIDN’T MEAN IT. JUST LET ME IN AND WE CAN TALK ABOUT THIS. 
…
CHERYL, HONEY. COME ON. I LOVE YOU. YOU’RE BEING UNREASONABLE. 
…
THIS IS A SILLY ARGUMENT, FOR WHICH I’VE APOLOGIZED, AND THE LONGER I’M OUT HERE THE HIGHER THE RISK I’M DEVOURED BY AN INSECTIVOROUS PREDATOR.
…
SERIOUSLY, CHERYL,  IT’S GETTING DARK. YOU’VE MADE YOUR POINT.
…
… CHERYL?
… PLEASE?

CHERYL, PLEASE, I’M SORRY. YOU KNOW I DIDN’T MEAN IT. JUST LET ME IN AND WE CAN TALK ABOUT THIS. 

CHERYL, HONEY. COME ON. I LOVE YOU. YOU’RE BEING UNREASONABLE. 

THIS IS A SILLY ARGUMENT, FOR WHICH I’VE APOLOGIZED, AND THE LONGER I’M OUT HERE THE HIGHER THE RISK I’M DEVOURED BY AN INSECTIVOROUS PREDATOR.

SERIOUSLY, CHERYL,  IT’S GETTING DARK. YOU’VE MADE YOUR POINT.

… CHERYL?

… PLEASE?

1:57 pm - Tue, Apr 16, 2013
811 notes
ARE YOU SERIOUS? IT’S ONLY BEEN DRY FOR LIKE … FORTY MINUTES. ALL I DID WAS MAKE A PHONE CALL AND READ MY US WEEKLY.
I SWEAR TO GOD THIS CHEAP-ASS DRUGSTORE NAIL POLISH CHIPS EVERY TIME YOU MOVE YOUR HAND.

ARE YOU SERIOUS? IT’S ONLY BEEN DRY FOR LIKE … FORTY MINUTES. ALL I DID WAS MAKE A PHONE CALL AND READ MY US WEEKLY.

I SWEAR TO GOD THIS CHEAP-ASS DRUGSTORE NAIL POLISH CHIPS EVERY TIME YOU MOVE YOUR HAND.

4:20 pm - Mon, Apr 15, 2013
2,034 notes
DUH DOOH DUH DA DOO …
GOODNIGHT SWEETHEART, WELL IT’S TIME TO GO.
DUH DOOH DUH DA DOO …
GOODNIGHT SWEETHEART, WELL IT’S TIME TO GO.
DUH DOO DAH DOOOO …

DUH DOOH DUH DA DOO …

GOODNIGHT SWEETHEART, WELL IT’S TIME TO GO.

DUH DOOH DUH DA DOO …

GOODNIGHT SWEETHEART, WELL IT’S TIME TO GO.

DUH DOO DAH DOOOO …

1:40 pm
3,241 notes
HA HAAAA! MY EXPERIMENT WAS A SUCCESS! IF I HAD LISTENED TO THOSE FRIGHTENED FOOLS IT COULD HAVE TAKEN DECADES OF ETHICAL DEBATES AND REGULATORY DELAYS BEFORE WE ACHIEVED THIS LEVEL OF VIABLE PROOF! 
ADMITTEDLY, THE SATISFACTION I FEEL AS A RESULT OF MY UNORTHODOX SCIENTIFIC ACUMEN IS TEMPERED BY THE FACT THAT I CAN’T POINT MY FACE IN THE DIRECTION I WISH TO WALK, PLUS I CAN’T REALLY SEE ANYTHING, BUT BY GOD I’M NOT ABOUT TO LET THAT STOP ME FROM PUBLISHING MY RESULTS!
CAN SOMEONE BRING ME MY LAPTOP, PLEASE?
ANYONE?

HA HAAAA! MY EXPERIMENT WAS A SUCCESS! IF I HAD LISTENED TO THOSE FRIGHTENED FOOLS IT COULD HAVE TAKEN DECADES OF ETHICAL DEBATES AND REGULATORY DELAYS BEFORE WE ACHIEVED THIS LEVEL OF VIABLE PROOF! 

ADMITTEDLY, THE SATISFACTION I FEEL AS A RESULT OF MY UNORTHODOX SCIENTIFIC ACUMEN IS TEMPERED BY THE FACT THAT I CAN’T POINT MY FACE IN THE DIRECTION I WISH TO WALK, PLUS I CAN’T REALLY SEE ANYTHING, BUT BY GOD I’M NOT ABOUT TO LET THAT STOP ME FROM PUBLISHING MY RESULTS!

CAN SOMEONE BRING ME MY LAPTOP, PLEASE?

ANYONE?

4:15 pm - Mon, Apr 8, 2013
1,462 notes
Click the (cover) photo for some information regarding the ATIAC book, which has been keeping me too busy to caption animals for you lately.
Also, it’s almost my anniversary and I just moved to a foreign country so there’s been some other things going on as well. 
But click on the picture (or the word BOOK I just typed) for information on the printed version of this here tumblr, a tumblr that crawls slowly, like a wounded beast, ever onward and upward, buoyed by your love, toward the glimmering light of a bright and beautiful future.
In capslock.

Click the (cover) photo for some information regarding the ATIAC book, which has been keeping me too busy to caption animals for you lately.

Also, it’s almost my anniversary and I just moved to a foreign country so there’s been some other things going on as well. 

But click on the picture (or the word BOOK I just typed) for information on the printed version of this here tumblr, a tumblr that crawls slowly, like a wounded beast, ever onward and upward, buoyed by your love, toward the glimmering light of a bright and beautiful future.

In capslock.

1:20 pm - Wed, Apr 3, 2013
1,097 notes
HEY, HOW’S IT GOING. I HEARD RICK DUMPED YOU AND YOU WERE DRINKING A LOT. HE WAS A JERK. EVERYONE THOUGHT SO. DID YOU HAVE A GOOD HIBERNATION? IT LOOKS LIKE IT. I CAN SEE YOU’VE FILLED OUT A BIT. NOT LIKE, A TON OF WEIGHT OR ANYTHING. YOU JUST LOOK HEALTHY NOW, YOU KNOW? LESS GAGA, MORE BEY.
WHAT ARE YOU, THE UNSOLICITED OPINION FACTORY? I HATE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW.
OOOOOH, OR KELIS! EXACTLY!

HEY, HOW’S IT GOING. I HEARD RICK DUMPED YOU AND YOU WERE DRINKING A LOT. HE WAS A JERK. EVERYONE THOUGHT SO. DID YOU HAVE A GOOD HIBERNATION? IT LOOKS LIKE IT. I CAN SEE YOU’VE FILLED OUT A BIT. NOT LIKE, A TON OF WEIGHT OR ANYTHING. YOU JUST LOOK HEALTHY NOW, YOU KNOW? LESS GAGA, MORE BEY.

WHAT ARE YOU, THE UNSOLICITED OPINION FACTORY? I HATE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW.

OOOOOH, OR KELIS! EXACTLY!

12:20 pm - Mon, Mar 25, 2013
1,197 notes
IT SEEMS NO ONE CAN HELP ME NOW.
I’M IN TOO DEEP, THERE’S NO WAY OUT.
THIS TIME I HAVE REALLY LED MYSELF ASTRAY.
RUNAWAY TRAIN, NEVER GOING BACK!
WRONG WAY ON A ONE WAY TRA-A-ACK!
SEEMS LIKE I SHOULD BE GETTING SOMEWHERE,
SOMEHOW I’M NEITHER HERE NOR THERE!

IT SEEMS NO ONE CAN HELP ME NOW.

I’M IN TOO DEEP, THERE’S NO WAY OUT.

THIS TIME I HAVE REALLY LED MYSELF ASTRAY.

RUNAWAY TRAIN, NEVER GOING BACK!

WRONG WAY ON A ONE WAY TRA-A-ACK!

SEEMS LIKE I SHOULD BE GETTING SOMEWHERE,

SOMEHOW I’M NEITHER HERE NOR THERE!

1:13 pm - Fri, Mar 22, 2013
1,764 notes
LINDA, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SHOWER GEL? WHAT ABOUT MY CINNAMON MANDIBLE PASTE?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS ASK ME? CHERYL PROBABLY USED THEM BOTH LAST NIGHT.
DON’T EVEN TRY TO DRAG ME INTO THIS. THEY’RE PROBABLY STILL IN HER SUITCASE. I HATE CINNAMON, AND I USE AN EXFOLIATING CARAPACE SCRUB. YOU KNOW THAT.
WILL ONE OF YOU PLEASE GO CHECK? I DON’T WANT TO MISS THE CONTINENTAL BREAKFAST.

LINDA, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SHOWER GEL? WHAT ABOUT MY CINNAMON MANDIBLE PASTE?

WHY DO YOU ALWAYS ASK ME? CHERYL PROBABLY USED THEM BOTH LAST NIGHT.

DON’T EVEN TRY TO DRAG ME INTO THIS. THEY’RE PROBABLY STILL IN HER SUITCASE. I HATE CINNAMON, AND I USE AN EXFOLIATING CARAPACE SCRUB. YOU KNOW THAT.

WILL ONE OF YOU PLEASE GO CHECK? I DON’T WANT TO MISS THE CONTINENTAL BREAKFAST.

2:40 pm - Thu, Mar 21, 2013
1,291 notes
YOU KNOW I DON’T FIND THAT KIND OF NASTY TALK FUNNY, EARL. IT ISN’T SEXY EITHER.  I’VE GOT OVER FOUR HUNDRED ROMANTIC ADVENTURE NOVELS IN THE HALL CLOSET AND THERE’S NOT ONE DASHING HERO IN ANY OF THEM THAT USES THE KIND OF DIRTY PHRASES YOU DO. WHY CAN’T YOU EVER TALK TO ME LIKE A GENTLEMAN? 
PLUS YOU’VE NEVER SPIRITED ME AWAY FROM DANGER ON HORSEBACK. NOT ONCE.

YOU KNOW I DON’T FIND THAT KIND OF NASTY TALK FUNNY, EARL. IT ISN’T SEXY EITHER.  I’VE GOT OVER FOUR HUNDRED ROMANTIC ADVENTURE NOVELS IN THE HALL CLOSET AND THERE’S NOT ONE DASHING HERO IN ANY OF THEM THAT USES THE KIND OF DIRTY PHRASES YOU DO. WHY CAN’T YOU EVER TALK TO ME LIKE A GENTLEMAN? 

PLUS YOU’VE NEVER SPIRITED ME AWAY FROM DANGER ON HORSEBACK. NOT ONCE.

12:20 pm
1,752 notes
DO YOU WANT TO GO TO THE-
HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES AND/OR THE SENATE SO WE CAN WATCH PEOPLE WHO MAKE A BASE SALARY THAT’S SEVEN TIMES THE AMERICAN AVERAGE PASS LAWS THAT BENEFIT THE INTERESTS OF THE MULTINATIONAL CONGLOMERATES WHOSE LOBBYISTS STILL INFEST WASHINGTON LIKE SOME SORT OF LOCUST PLAGUE DESPITE THE PRESIDENT’S CAMPAIGN PROMISES TO REMOVE CORPORATE MONEY FROM THE LEGISLATIVE PROCESS?! YOU BET I DO!
I WAS GOING TO SAY PARK.
NEXT BEST THING!

DO YOU WANT TO GO TO THE-

HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES AND/OR THE SENATE SO WE CAN WATCH PEOPLE WHO MAKE A BASE SALARY THAT’S SEVEN TIMES THE AMERICAN AVERAGE PASS LAWS THAT BENEFIT THE INTERESTS OF THE MULTINATIONAL CONGLOMERATES WHOSE LOBBYISTS STILL INFEST WASHINGTON LIKE SOME SORT OF LOCUST PLAGUE DESPITE THE PRESIDENT’S CAMPAIGN PROMISES TO REMOVE CORPORATE MONEY FROM THE LEGISLATIVE PROCESS?! YOU BET I DO!

I WAS GOING TO SAY PARK.

NEXT BEST THING!

3:00 pm - Wed, Mar 20, 2013
3,319 notes
THAT IS A HELL OF A DRESS.
I MEAN THAT.
SWEET MOTHER OF PEARL YOU LOOK LIKE A CHIC, URBAN GALADRIEL IN THAT THING.

THAT IS A HELL OF A DRESS.

I MEAN THAT.

SWEET MOTHER OF PEARL YOU LOOK LIKE A CHIC, URBAN GALADRIEL IN THAT THING.

12:55 pm
2,358 notes
TEN YEARS. TEN YEARS I WAS MARRIED TO THAT WOMAN. HOLLOWED OUT HALF A MAPLE FOR HER AND THE KIDS. GATHERED I DON’T KNOW HOW MANY NUTS AND SEEDS. THOUSANDS? HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS? THEN SHE UP AND LEAVES ME FOR SOME ASSHOLE FROM THE CITY WHO PROBABLY LIVES ON TOP OF A 7-11 AND EATS GARBAGE OR SOMETHING. JUST LIKE THAT. NO WARNING, NO NOTHING.
"HE’S ARTISTIC."
"HE’S PASSIONATE."
"HE MAKES ME FEEL ALIVE."
I DON’T HAVE PASSIONS? I DON’T LIKE ART THINGS? WHAT DO I MAKE HER FEEL? DEAD? I MEAN COME ON! GIVE ME A BREAK HERE! SOME OF US WERE TOO BUSY PUTTING FOOD IN THE BURROW TO WORK ON OUR POETRY, YOU KNOW?

TEN YEARS. TEN YEARS I WAS MARRIED TO THAT WOMAN. HOLLOWED OUT HALF A MAPLE FOR HER AND THE KIDS. GATHERED I DON’T KNOW HOW MANY NUTS AND SEEDS. THOUSANDS? HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS? THEN SHE UP AND LEAVES ME FOR SOME ASSHOLE FROM THE CITY WHO PROBABLY LIVES ON TOP OF A 7-11 AND EATS GARBAGE OR SOMETHING. JUST LIKE THAT. NO WARNING, NO NOTHING.

"HE’S ARTISTIC."

"HE’S PASSIONATE."

"HE MAKES ME FEEL ALIVE."

I DON’T HAVE PASSIONS? I DON’T LIKE ART THINGS? WHAT DO I MAKE HER FEEL? DEAD? I MEAN COME ON! GIVE ME A BREAK HERE! SOME OF US WERE TOO BUSY PUTTING FOOD IN THE BURROW TO WORK ON OUR POETRY, YOU KNOW?

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