ANIMALS TALKING IN ALL CAPS

YOU GET PINCHED, WE NEVER MET. YOU GOT ME? YOU FOUND THIS ON THE STREET.

“FASTER” I CAN DO! “IN CIRCLES” IS FINE!

“DEEPER” IS JUST NOT GOING TO HAPPEN, OKAY? SO PLEASE STOP SAYING IT!

You have beautiful shading and your eyes are like swimming pools. I could just float in those things all day.

THAT’S SO WEIRD. I WAS JUST GOING TO SAY THE SAME THING ABOUT YOU.

For real though, what are you? I’ve never seen anything like you. You look like something out of a fairytale.

ARE YOU PSYCHIC? STOP SAYING WHAT I’M GOING TO SAY BEFORE I SAY IT.

I BARELY CLOSED MY EYES THE WHOLE NIGHT! FUCK ONLY KNOWS WHAT WAS IN THE BED. IT WAS LIKE I WAS LAYING ON A BOULDER AND MY WHOLE BODY FEELS LIKE GARBAGE. IT’S HORRIBLE. LET’S GET MARRIED.

HONEY, LOOK, I’M SORRY. PLEASE COME OUT OF YOUR POUTING CLOSET. “DINNER” WAS REALLY TASTY.

LISTEN TO YOURSELF. YOU CAN’T EVEN SAY IT WITHOUT DOING THAT THING WITH YOUR VOICE.

YES I CAN. THE “FOOD” YOU MADE WAS … DAMN IT.

GO AWAY FOREVER, STEVE.

I CAN’T TELL IF I’M HONESTLY FULFILLING MY DEEPEST WISHES AND PURSUING MY DREAMS OR IF I’VE JUST BEEN YELLING “YOLO” EVERY TIME I DO SOMETHING EXCEEDINGLY STUPID.

IT’S NOT LIKE I’LL HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO RECTIFY ANY SERIOUS MISTAKES I MIGHT MAKE.

YOLO, AND ALL THAT.

ANTHONY! TAKE YOUR SHOES OFF! THAT’S BERBER CARPETING! WHAT IN THE DEVIL ARE YOU THINKING?

WE DO NOT WEAR OUR TOPSIDERS IN THE HOUSE, ANTHONY. ONLY ON THE BOAT.

HONESTLY! HOW GAUCHE!

Mister Fluffins! Wait! Please!

NO.

Are you doing this because I put screencaps from popular TV shows on the internet 20 minutes after they air, completely ruining them for anyone who might have to work that night or that lives in a different time zone, robbing those people of the joy that I experience when watching the shows in some sort of pointless race to be the first to prove I saw them, despite how absolutely stupid that premise is and the fact that there’s no legitimate reward for my actions, only disdain?

YES. YOU HAVE RUINED BOARDWALK EMPIRE FOR THE LAST TIME.

WHEN THE MOON HITS YOUR EYE LIKE THECOSOMATA PIE … THAT’S AMORÉ.

WHEN THE WORLD SEEMS SO BRIGHT LIKE A TOMOPTERIS’  LIGHT … THAT’S AMORÉ.

JELLYFISH BELLS WILL PULSE, FLUB-A-LUB A LUB, FLUB-A-LUB A LUB,

AND YOU’LL SING VITA BELLA!

GILLS WILL FLAP, TIPPY TIPPY TAP, TIPPY TIPPY TAP,

LIKE A GAY TARANTELLA!

WHENNNN … THE … SURFACE LIGHT MAKES YOU SWAY LIKE A DRUNK PERACLIDAE, THAT’S  AMORÉ!

WHEN YOUR MATE GRABS AHOLD A YA, WITH THEIR STRONG PARAPODIA, YOU’RE IN LOOOOOOVE!

WAIT. WAIT! WHERE ARE YOU GOING? WE HAVEN’T TALKED ABOUT THE MUSIC YET! YOU CAN’T JUST RUN OFF AND MAKE AN ACTION FILM, YOU CRAZY MAVERICK. WE NEED THAT THING THAT GOES “WHRRRRRNNNNNNNNBMMMMMMMMMP” FOR THE TRAILER AND ANY TENSE MOMENTS. YOU NEED LIKE, SIX OF THOSE. AND THEN AFTER THAT YOU NEED THAT STUFF THAT SORT OF SOUNDS LIKE TWO WASHING MACHINES HATEFUCKING EACH OTHER. YOU’VE GOT TO HAVE THAT IN EVERY FIGHT SEQUENCE.

LISA. LISA! YOU AT YOUR DESK? WHAT’S THE THING WE’RE DOING NOW IN EVERY FILM WHEN SOMEONE’S ABOUT TO START SHOOTING THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF SOMETHING?

Really bad dubstep?

TUBSTICK! YES! THANK YOU! YOU GOTTA HAVE SOME FUCKING TUBSTICK ALL OVER THAT GODDAMNED THING, MIKEY. ESPECIALLY THE END CREDITS. I WANT PEOPLE TO HAVE SEIZURES! MYOCLONIC FITS! I WANT THEIR CELL PHONES TO JIZZ BECAUSE THEY’RE BEING SPOKEN TO BY THEIR MACHINE GOD! DON’T YOU SHOOT A SINGLE FRAME UNTIL YOU’VE GOT A HUNDRED AND FIFTY TUBSTOMP SONGS IN A QUEUE, YOU HEAR ME?

He’s really gone.

YEP.

He’s probably going to marry that horrible bank teller.

SHE’S AN INVESTMENT ANALYST, BUT YES. 

He didn’t even call me on our anniversary.

I’M NOT 100% ON THIS, BUT I THINK THEY’RE ONLY ANNIVERSARIES IF YOU’RE STILL DATING. REGARDLESS, IT WOULDN’T HAVE KILLED HIM.

I’m so alone.

WE’RE LITERALLY TOUCHING EACH OTHER RIGHT NOW.

I can’t eat. Can’t sleep. It’s been months. I’m like a ghost haunting my own apartment.

I’M EMPATHIZING WITH YOU SUPER HARD HERE, BUT AT THE VERY LEAST I THINK YOU SHOULD PAY THE ELECTRIC BILL.

ALL OF THE SLUDS AND HOARS ON THIS TUMBLRS MAKING ME SAD FOR EMERICAS YOUTH.

WHY YOU SO SLUDDY AND HOARY?

PUT ON MORE CLOSE! STOP PLAYING WITH YOUR TIDDIES AND PENUSES BEFOAR YOU CATCH A DISESE.

WHAT WOULD PARENS THINK? TEARS! ALL OF TEARS!

FOR ANYTHING YOU DO THE NOOD FOTOS AND NO REASONS!

“I LIKE BAND ONE DIRECTION. LOOK AT MY BUBES.”

“I WATCH BEE BEE SEE MOVIE SHOW SHERLOCK. HEAR IS MY TESSACLES IN DIRTY BEDSROOM.”

GOD CAN SEE YOUR BUBES! HE IS MAD AT THEM! STOP BEING SO NAKID! PUT YOUR GIANT WEENERS AWAY FROM CAMERAS AND GO CHURCH!

DOES THE MOST HANDSOME BOYFRIEND IN THE ENTIRE SAVANNA HAVE A LITTLE HANGOVER?

I DON’T KNOW. DO YOU?

OH SHUT UP. WHY ARE YOU SO ADORABLE?

I PUT MY FACE ON YOUR FACE AND ABSORB IT THROUGH OSMOSIS.

SHUT UP TWICE. I LOVE YOU. DO YOU WANT TO GO ANTIQUING WHEN YOU CAN OPEN YOUR EYES ALL THE WAY? I WANT TO GET SOME NEW TABLES FOR THE DEN.

I ALWAYS WANT TO GO ANTIQUING. I WOULD GO ANTIQUING EVEN IF I WAS DEAD.

NO, I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR TUG-OF-WAR. I’VE GOT TO GO MEET MY FELLOW GANG MEMBERS FOR SOME CINNABON. 

I MEAN A KNIFE FIGHT.

WE’VE GOT TO GO GET IN A DEADLY KNIFE FIGHT AGAINST SOME PUNK ASSES TRYING TO INVADE OUR TURF, THEN WE’RE GOING TO THE MUSEUM.

… TO SELL DRUGS AND SHIT, OBVIOUSLY. BECAUSE THAT’S HOW WE DO.

DON’T WAIT UP.

OH SHIT IT’S MY JAM!

♫  ALL I WANT FOR MY BIRTHDAAAAY IS A BIG BOOTY HO.

ALL I WANT FOR MY BIRTHDAAAAY IS A BIG BOOTY HO.

WHEN I DIE, BURY ME INSIDE THAT GUCCI STORE.

WHEN I DIE, BURY ME INSIDE THAT LOUIS STORE.

ALL I WANT FOR MY BIRTHDAAAAAY IS A BIG BOOTY HO.  ♫