KNOCK IT OFF, TED. YOU’RE DRUNK.
NO, NO, BABY. I’M SIMPLY INTOXICATED BY YOUR PRESENCE.
YOU ARE INTOXICATED BY THE “PRESENCE” OF THE FOUR MARGARITAS YOU HAD AT THE TACO PLACE.
I WOULD LIKE TO GO SOUTH OF YOUR BORDER, IF YOU CATCH MY DRIFT.
YOU’RE COMPLETELY NOT SUPPORTING YOUR WEIGHT, TED. IT’S LIKE BEING SLOWLY CRUSHED BY A SOLID WALL OF TEQUILA.
MAYBE YOU SHOULD CRUSH BACK, IF YOU GET MY MEANING.
I GET YOUR MEANING, TED, AND I CATCH YOUR DRIFT. YOU’RE NOT PARTICULARLY SKILLED AT DOUBLE ENTENDRE.
I’M SKILLED AT DOUBLE HAVING SEX WITH YOU, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEA-
GOD DAMN IT, SIT UP STRAIGHT! I’M RUNNING OUT OF STICK!
DESPITE THE FACT THAT I SHOW ABSOLUTELY NO SIGNS OF MATURITY, RESPECT, NOR SELF-RESTRAINT IN EVEN THE MOST BASIC SOCIAL INTERACTIONS, LET ALONE MY FAR-REACHING LIFE CHOICES, EVERY TIME YOU ATTEMPT TO MAKE ME STOP SAYING I’M AN ADULT AND ACTUALLY PROVE IT THROUGH WORDS AND DEED I FIND IT DETRIMENTAL TO THE FEELINGS OF EXCEPTIONALISM AND ENTITLEMENT YOU INSTILLED IN ME WITH YOUR CONSTANT PANDERING AND UNREALISTIC BUILDING OF MY MASSIVE AND UNDESERVED EGO DURING MY FORMATIVE YOUTH AND APPARENT PERPETUAL ADOLESCENCE, THEREFORE I THOROUGHLY PLAN ON BLAMING YOU BOTH NOW AND IN THE FUTURE FOR YOUR FAILURE TO BUILD A PSYCHOLOGICAL SHIELD AROUND MY FEELINGS TO PROTECT ME FROM THE HARSH REALITIES OF EVERYDAY LIFE EVEN WHILE I BLAME YOU FOR BUILDING THE PSYCHOLOGICAL SHIELD AROUND MY FEELINGS THAT ALLOWS ME TO FEEL ABOVE AND SEPARATE FROM THE RESPONSIBILITIES AND SACRIFICE THAT A BALANCED LIFE ENTAILS. ALSO I’M BORROWING THE CAR TONIGHT. I HAVE TO GO BUY SOME DRUGS FOR A PARTY.
YEAH, THEY OPENED THIS LITTLE PLACE RIGHT DOWN BY THE OFFICE. ARTISAN PASTRIES, YOU KNOW? ALL-NATURAL TRANSFATS AND ORGANICALLY SIMPLIFIED SUGARS. I LOVE THE DANISHES BUT THEN THERE’S THESE DONUTS WITH HANDCRAFTED TURBINADO SPRINKLES AND IT’S JUST LIKE, “HOW CAN I CHOOSE?”
I GET ONE OF EACH AND THIS LATTE THING WITH HORMONE FREE HEAVY CREAM ON MY WAY IN EVERY MORNING.
IT’S JUST SO REFRESHING TO FIND A HEALTHY BREAKFAST IN THE CITY.
ATIAC will return on Monday, November 26th because it’s my birthday today and then my mother’s coming to visit for a couple days and I thought maybe I’d actually leave the house and go show her around the damp and semi-vertical streets of Seattle and then it’s probably Thanksgiving or whatever, plus I’m almost finished putting the final touches on the book version of this here tumblr which is actually way less fun than it sounds and kind of time consuming and torturous and it seems like it would be easier if I just took a couple days off and got all that wrapped up so I can return to you all bright-eyed and minty-fresh next week to continue delivering discursive dogs and smarmy otters in the manner in which you’ve come to expect.
Which is to say in capslock.
I took a couple days off this time last year to do things like eat food and hang out with my ladyfriend. You may remember donating a dollar a month or so later to help make that ladyfriend my wife. That shiny thing in the picture up there (not the shiny thing that’s the coffee cup, or my naturally oily Italian skin but the little silver thing on my hand) is the ring she smooshed onto my finger, which would not have made its way there without you, the shut-ins and ne’er-do-wells that follow this tumblr.
I just want to say thank you again. This has been the most bizarre year of a life absolutely bursting at its seams with bizarre years, and I would not trade it, nor you, for anything (with the possible exception of a dependable sleep schedule). In the grand scheme of things I owe you far more than the occasional chuckles I provide.
And if you came in way later than that, and are sitting there thinking “Shut up, Justin, I hate it when you type in lowercase letters and you are an ugly jerk with a small weiner” it doesn’t matter. I still love you, and I’m never less than amazed you find this pile of ridiculousness amusing.
You’re pretty fucking great, is what I’m getting at.
Please be good to each other in my brief absence.
I will miss you while we are apart.
NOW, WHEN YOU SAY, “WE ARE NEVER EVER EVER GETTING BACK TOGETHER,” DO YOU MEAN LIKE … NEVER?
BECAUSE I WAS GOING TO GO TALK TO MY FRIENDS, TALK TO YOUR FRIENDS, TALK TO YOU … MAYBE LISTEN TO SOME APPROPRIATELY OBSCURE INDIE RECORDS. THE USUAL.
AFTER THAT I THOUGHT MAYBE WE COULD GIVE IT ANOTHER SHOT.
WHAT AM I DOING? I’M JUICING MY PECS, BRO! GOT TO GET THEM PECS JUICED UP! FOR THE BABES!
PLUS I’M SO JACKED UP ON N.O. XPLODE AND ECA STACKS I FEEL LIKE I’M GOING TO HAVE A GODDAMNED HEART ATTACK. I CAN’T FEEL MY LEGS BUT I AM CRANKING THESE REPS OUT, YOU HEARD? I AM SO SWOLE UP I’M GONNA POP! BRO, FEEL MY TITTIES. TOUCH THEM.
JUST KIDDING, YOU CAN’T! YOU’LL BREAK YOUR FINGERS, BRO!
THAT’S WHAT’S UP! WOOOOOO!
I GOT THE JOB. FIVE YEAR CONTRACT PLUS A COMPANY CAR.
That’s awesome! I broke up with Andy.
WONDERFUL! I HATED ANDY. MAYBE WE CAN FINALLY GET THROUGH A DINNER WITHOUT HIS DELIGHTFUL LITTLE CRITICISMS OF EVERYTHING YOU DO AND SAY.
Right? Ugh. What a fucking toolbelt.
YOU DO KNOW HOW TO PICK THEM. BUT HEY, CONGRATULATIONS TO BOTH OF US, RIGHT? POUND IT OUT.
Way to go, us!
… YEAH, NOT TO PULL AN ANDY BUT THAT’S DEFINITELY A HIGH-FIVE YOU’RE GOING FOR THERE, AND I CAN’T REALLY DO THOSE. BALL IT UP.
AIN’T NONE OF THE KIDS WANTED TO GO TO THE PUMPKIN PATCH LAST MONTH, AND NOW THEY’RE SAYING THEY AIN’T GONNA GO TO THE MALL WITH ME THIS WEEKEND. THEY’RE “TOO OLD” TO HANG OUT WITH THEIR MOMMA. CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT? NOT A ONE OF THEM WILL WEAR THE COOL DRAGONFLY SWEATERS I BOUGHT ‘EM AT T.J. MAXX NEITHER, NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES I ASK ‘EM ON FACEBOOK. DESIGNER FASHIONS AT AFFORDABLE PRICES. WHAT MORE COULD YOU WANT IN THIS WORLD? TAMMY ACTUALLY BLOCKED ME. DAMN NEAR BROKE MY HEART IN TWO.
IT’S LIKE I DON’T EVEN KNOW MY BABIES NO MORE.
WONDERFUL, MY LEG’S ASLEEP.
NOT JUST MY LEG. MY BUTT. MY WHOLE BUTT IS TOTALLY ASLEEP. HOW DOES THAT EVEN HAPPEN? HOW LONG HAVE I BEEN SITTING HERE? WHAT WAS I THINKING ABOUT? WHY DID I SIT DOWN IN THE FIRST PLACE?
OH GOD, IT’S MY WHOLE PELVIC GIRDLE. I CAN’T FEEL ANYTHING DOWN THERE.
… MIGHT AS WELL TAKE A NAP, I GUESS.
HELLO THERE! YOU MUST BE FROM HOTEL SERVICES! ARE THOSE THE BED LINENS WE ORDERED? GREAT! I’LL JUST TAKE THOSE FROM YOU AND YOU CAN SCOOT BACK DOWN TO THE FRONT DESK BECAUSE THERE’S NOTHING TO SEE HERE. NO SIR. JUST A RELAXING DAY AT THE OLD DOWNTOWN MARRIOTT. CATCHING UP ON OUR READING AND THINGS LIKE THAT. THANKS SO MUCH. HAVE A NICE AFTERNOON.