ANIMALS TALKING IN ALL CAPS

WHOA, CHILL OUT, RACHEL. ALL I SAID WAS THAT JUDE LAW GOT MORE MOVIE ROLES WHEN HE HAD MORE-

I SAID COOL IT. YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW THE GUY. I’M SURE HE’D APPRECIATE IT IF YOU LET YOUR FRIENDS HAVE THEIR OWN OPINIONS. I’M NOT SAYING HE’S NOT STILL TOTAL MAN CANDY, I’M JUST SAYING HE’S GOING BALD.

IN AMERICA, HAIR IS THE ONLY THING WOMEN SEE. LOOK AT ROBERT PATTINSON. THAT GUY OBVIOUSLY HAS DOWN’S SYNDROME, PLUS THE THEATRICAL SCOPE OF TERRY SCHIAVO, BUT IT’S LIKE A MINEFIELD OF PANTIES EVERY TIME HE WALKS DOWN THE STREET. YOU KNOW WHY? BECAUSE HE HAS A LION’S MANE OF FUCKING HAIR. WE DON’T LIVE IN THE MICHAEL KEATON DAYS ANYMORE, ALL RIGHT? IT’S JUST ‘HAVE HAIR, GET LEADING ROLES’ IN HOLLYWOOD NOW.

SORRY I ALMOST BUT NOT REALLY AT ALL INSULTED YOUR FAKE BOYFRIEND.

JESUS, YOU’RE SCARY WITHOUT YOUR XANAX.