ANIMALS TALKING IN ALL CAPS

LOOK, PAL. I GET WHAT YOU’RE SAYING, I REALLY DO. I ACTUALLY THINK IT’S GREAT YOU CAN’T SMOKE IN RESTAURANTS ANYMORE. EVERYONE CAN MAKE IT THROUGH A MEAL WITHOUT A CIGARETTE.

ALL I’M TRYING TO SAY IS THAT 25 FEET FROM THE DOOR OF A BUILDING IS IN FRONT OF THE DOOR OF ANOTHER BUILDING AND THE FUCKING STREET IS ONLY 30 FEET WIDE. I’D STAND IN THE MIDDLE OF IT, BUT THAT’S ILLEGAL TOO. WHAT ISN’T ILLEGAL, STRANGELY, IS SMOKING. YOU KNOW WHY? BECAUSE THE SIN TAX ON CIGARETTES IN 2010 WAS RESPONSIBLE FOR $16.5 BILLION IN REVENUE NATIONWIDE.

I’M TRYING TO DO IT OUTSIDE SO EVERYONE CAN HAVE A NICE DINNER BUT I’M NOT GOING TO CLIMB THE GOD DAMNED FIRE ESCAPE TO DO IT ON THE ROOF. I’M OUTSIDE. I’M FREEZING. I’M PAYING $9.75 A PACK. 

IF YOU WANT TO GET RID OF THE THINGS, OUTLAW THEM. I DON’T SMOKE POT ON THE STREET. I DON’T SMOKE CRACK HERE EITHER. BUT I’M GOING TO LIGHT THIS THING BECAUSE THE MONEY I PAID FOR IT BUILT THIS SIDEWALK, AND IF YOU DON’T LIKE IT WE CAN EITHER HAVE A KNIFE FIGHT OR YOU CAN PISS OFF AND GO BACK INSIDE.