ANIMALS TALKING IN ALL CAPS

NO. NO, NO, NO. I REFUSE TO ENTERTAIN THE THOUGHT.

OH, DO STOP BEING DIFFICULT. YOU’RE RATHER CHURLISH WHEN YOU’VE HAD TOO MUCH CHAMPAGNE.

FIRST OF ALL, CAMILLE, I WOULD APPRECIATE IT IF YOU ACKNOWLEDGED THAT I’VE HAD TOO MUCH 1907 PIPER HEIDSIECK MONOPOLE, FOR WHICH I PAID $33,000 A BOTTLE. TO HEAR YOU TALK I’M STOMPING AROUND THE HOUSE IN A FIT OF KORBEL-INDUCED PIQUE. SECONDLY, I’M NOT BEING DIFFICULT. I’M BEING DISCERNING. JUST BECAUSE YOU BOUGHT ANOTHER RENOIR DOESN’T MEAN WE’RE SIMPLY GOING TO HANG IT WILLY-NILLY. THE DÉCOR IN THIS ENTIRE WING OF THE HOUSE IS ALMOST DIAMETRICALLY OPPOSED, VISUALLY, TO EARLY IMPRESSIONIST PIECES.

IT’S NOT IMPRESSIONIST. IT’S FROM HIS ‘INGRES’ PERIOD, AND I QUITE LIKE IT. I THINK IT WOULD LOOK GOOD IN THE LIBRARY.

DO TELL ME YOU’RE JOKING. YOU DIDN’T REALLY BUY A RENOIR FROM THE DRY PERIOD, DID YOU?

UMBRELLAS, ACTUALLY. SOMETHING ABOUT IT SPOKE TO ME.

REALLY? DID IT SAY “HELLO, CAMILLE. YOU OBVIOUSLY KNOW NOTHING ABOUT ART.  I AM ONE OF THE FEW DEMONSTRABLE FAILURES IN AN OTHERWISE CRITICALLY LAUDED MASTER’S CAREER! TAKE ME HOME WITH YOU! HANG ME ABOVE THE BIDET!”

… YES. YOU’VE CUT TO THE THICK OF IT. THAT IS WHAT THE PAINTING SAID WHEN IT LITERALLY SPOKE TO ME. ASSHOLE.