ANIMALS TALKING IN ALL CAPS

WIND AT A PERFECTLY PLEASANT TEN KNOTS. CLEAR SKIES ALL THE WAY...

Thu, 09 May 2013 15:09:59 +0100

WIND AT A PERFECTLY PLEASANT TEN KNOTS.

CLEAR SKIES ALL THE WAY TO THE HORIZON.

AT LEAST TWO THOUSAND MILES FROM ANY SORT OF LAND MASS …

YES, SIR. THIS IS AS FAR FROM MY EX-WIFE AS YOU CAN GET WITHOUT GOING INTO SPACE.

NANCY, PLEASE STOP TALKING. CHAD, ARE YOU SMILING THIS TIME? IF...

Fri, 26 Apr 2013 16:01:08 +0100

NANCY, PLEASE STOP TALKING. CHAD, ARE YOU SMILING THIS TIME? IF NOT YOU’D BETTER BE SMIZING.

COME ON, GUYS. I NEED EVERYONE TO STOP DICKING AROUND AND NAIL THIS.

WHATEVER PERSONAL BULLSHIT YOU BROUGHT TO THE SHOOT, JUST … MODEL THROUGH IT, OKAY?

LOOK, WE’VE BEEN OVER THIS. NOW’S NOT THE TIME FOR...

Thu, 25 Apr 2013 15:55:06 +0100

LOOK, WE’VE BEEN OVER THIS. NOW’S NOT THE TIME FOR COLD FEET. WE GO IN. YOU DO EXACTLY WHAT WE TALKED ABOUT. I DO MY THING. WE WALK OUT WITH THE MONEY. NOBODY GETS HURT. BING BANG BOOM. DONE AND DONE.

YOU START GETTIN’ IDEAS, YOU START HAVIN’ SECOND THOUGHTS …THEN I GOTTA WORRY ABOUT YOU AND I CAN’T CONCENTRATE ON MY THING, YOU UNDERSTAND? I CAN’T CONCENTRATE, MAYBE SOMEBODY DOES GET HURT, AND NOBODY WANTS THAT. SO JUST STICK TO THE PLAN, YEAH? JUST BE COOL.

LOOK AT ME. LOOK ME IN THE EYE.

DON’T FUCK THIS UP.

CHERYL, PLEASE, I’M SORRY. YOU KNOW I DIDN’T MEAN...

Tue, 23 Apr 2013 16:00:47 +0100

CHERYL, PLEASE, I’M SORRY. YOU KNOW I DIDN’T MEAN IT. JUST LET ME IN AND WE CAN TALK ABOUT THIS.

…

CHERYL, HONEY. COME ON. I LOVE YOU. YOU’RE BEING UNREASONABLE.

…

THIS IS A SILLY ARGUMENT, FOR WHICH I’VE APOLOGIZED, AND THE LONGER I’M OUT HERE THE HIGHER THE RISK I’M DEVOURED BY AN INSECTIVOROUS PREDATOR.

…

SERIOUSLY, CHERYL, IT’S GETTING DARK. YOU’VE MADE YOUR POINT.

…

… CHERYL?

… PLEASE?

ARE YOU SERIOUS? IT’S ONLY BEEN DRY FOR LIKE … FORTY...

Tue, 16 Apr 2013 13:57:34 +0100

ARE YOU SERIOUS? IT’S ONLY BEEN DRY FOR LIKE … FORTY MINUTES. ALL I DID WAS MAKE A PHONE CALL AND READ MY US WEEKLY.

I SWEAR TO GOD THIS CHEAP-ASS DRUGSTORE NAIL POLISH CHIPS EVERY TIME YOU MOVE YOUR HAND.

DUH DOOH DUH DA DOO … GOODNIGHT SWEETHEART, WELL...

Mon, 15 Apr 2013 16:20:35 +0100

DUH DOOH DUH DA DOO …

GOODNIGHT SWEETHEART, WELL IT’S TIME TO GO.

DUH DOOH DUH DA DOO …

GOODNIGHT SWEETHEART, WELL IT’S TIME TO GO.

DUH DOO DAH DOOOO …

HA HAAAA! MY EXPERIMENT WAS A SUCCESS! IF I HAD LISTENED TO...

Mon, 15 Apr 2013 13:40:34 +0100

HA HAAAA! MY EXPERIMENT WAS A SUCCESS! IF I HAD LISTENED TO THOSE FRIGHTENED FOOLS IT COULD HAVE TAKEN DECADES OF ETHICAL DEBATES AND REGULATORY DELAYS BEFORE WE ACHIEVED THIS LEVEL OF VIABLE PROOF!

ADMITTEDLY, THE SATISFACTION I FEEL AS A RESULT OF MY UNORTHODOX SCIENTIFIC ACUMEN IS TEMPERED BY THE FACT THAT I CAN’T POINT MY FACE IN THE DIRECTION I WISH TO WALK, PLUS I CAN’T REALLY SEE ANYTHING, BUT BY GOD I’M NOT ABOUT TO LET THAT STOP ME FROM PUBLISHING MY RESULTS!

CAN SOMEONE BRING ME MY LAPTOP, PLEASE?

ANYONE?

Click the (cover) photo for some information regarding the ATIAC...

Mon, 08 Apr 2013 16:15:55 +0100

Click the (cover) photo for some information regarding the ATIAC book, which has been keeping me too busy to caption animals for you lately.

Also, it’s almost my anniversary and I just moved to a foreign country so there’s been some other things going on as well.

But click on the picture (or the word BOOK I just typed) for information on the printed version of this here tumblr, a tumblr that crawls slowly, like a wounded beast, ever onward and upward, buoyed by your love, toward the glimmering light of a bright and beautiful future.

In capslock.

HEY, HOW’S IT GOING. I HEARD RICK DUMPED YOU AND YOU WERE...

Wed, 03 Apr 2013 13:20:00 +0100

HEY, HOW’S IT GOING. I HEARD RICK DUMPED YOU AND YOU WERE DRINKING A LOT. HE WAS A JERK. EVERYONE THOUGHT SO. DID YOU HAVE A GOOD HIBERNATION? IT LOOKS LIKE IT. I CAN SEE YOU’VE FILLED OUT A BIT. NOT LIKE, A TON OF WEIGHT OR ANYTHING. YOU JUST LOOK HEALTHY NOW, YOU KNOW? LESS GAGA, MORE BEY.

WHAT ARE YOU, THE UNSOLICITED OPINION FACTORY? I HATE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW.

OOOOOH, OR KELIS! EXACTLY!

IT SEEMS NO ONE CAN HELP ME NOW. I’M IN TOO DEEP,...

Mon, 25 Mar 2013 12:20:16 +0000

IT SEEMS NO ONE CAN HELP ME NOW.

I’M IN TOO DEEP, THERE’S NO WAY OUT.

THIS TIME I HAVE REALLY LED MYSELF ASTRAY.

RUNAWAY TRAIN, NEVER GOING BACK!

WRONG WAY ON A ONE WAY TRA-A-ACK!

SEEMS LIKE I SHOULD BE GETTING SOMEWHERE,

SOMEHOW I’M NEITHER HERE NOR THERE!

LINDA, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SHOWER GEL? WHAT ABOUT MY CINNAMON...

Fri, 22 Mar 2013 13:13:03 +0000

LINDA, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SHOWER GEL? WHAT ABOUT MY CINNAMON MANDIBLE PASTE?

WHY DO YOU ALWAYS ASK ME? CHERYL PROBABLY USED THEM BOTH LAST NIGHT.

DON’T EVEN TRY TO DRAG ME INTO THIS. THEY’RE PROBABLY STILL IN HER SUITCASE. I HATE CINNAMON, AND I USE AN EXFOLIATING CARAPACE SCRUB. YOU KNOW THAT.

WILL ONE OF YOU PLEASE GO CHECK? I DON’T WANT TO MISS THE CONTINENTAL BREAKFAST.

YOU KNOW I DON’T FIND THAT KIND OF NASTY TALK FUNNY, EARL....

Thu, 21 Mar 2013 14:40:30 +0000

YOU KNOW I DON’T FIND THAT KIND OF NASTY TALK FUNNY, EARL. IT ISN’T SEXY EITHER. I’VE GOT OVER FOUR HUNDRED ROMANTIC ADVENTURE NOVELS IN THE HALL CLOSET AND THERE’S NOT ONE DASHING HERO IN ANY OF THEM THAT USES THE KIND OF DIRTY PHRASES YOU DO. WHY CAN’T YOU EVER TALK TO ME LIKE A GENTLEMAN?

PLUS YOU’VE NEVER SPIRITED ME AWAY FROM DANGER ON HORSEBACK. NOT ONCE.

DO YOU WANT TO GO TO THE- HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES AND/OR THE...

Thu, 21 Mar 2013 12:20:26 +0000

DO YOU WANT TO GO TO THE-

HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES AND/OR THE SENATE SO WE CAN WATCH PEOPLE WHO MAKE A BASE SALARY THAT’S SEVEN TIMES THE AMERICAN AVERAGE PASS LAWS THAT BENEFIT THE INTERESTS OF THE MULTINATIONAL CONGLOMERATES WHOSE LOBBYISTS STILL INFEST WASHINGTON LIKE SOME SORT OF LOCUST PLAGUE DESPITE THE PRESIDENT’S CAMPAIGN PROMISES TO REMOVE CORPORATE MONEY FROM THE LEGISLATIVE PROCESS?! YOU BET I DO!

I WAS GOING TO SAY PARK.

NEXT BEST THING!

THAT IS A HELL OF A DRESS. I MEAN THAT. SWEET MOTHER OF PEARL...

Wed, 20 Mar 2013 15:00:59 +0000

THAT IS A HELL OF A DRESS.

I MEAN THAT.

SWEET MOTHER OF PEARL YOU LOOK LIKE A CHIC, URBAN GALADRIEL IN THAT THING.

TEN YEARS. TEN YEARS I WAS MARRIED TO THAT WOMAN. HOLLOWED OUT...

Wed, 20 Mar 2013 12:55:00 +0000

TEN YEARS. TEN YEARS I WAS MARRIED TO THAT WOMAN. HOLLOWED OUT HALF A MAPLE FOR HER AND THE KIDS. GATHERED I DON’T KNOW HOW MANY NUTS AND SEEDS. THOUSANDS? HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS? THEN SHE UP AND LEAVES ME FOR SOME ASSHOLE FROM THE CITY WHO PROBABLY LIVES ON TOP OF A 7-11 AND EATS GARBAGE OR SOMETHING. JUST LIKE THAT. NO WARNING, NO NOTHING.

“HE’S ARTISTIC.”

“HE’S PASSIONATE.”

“HE MAKES ME FEEL ALIVE.”

I DON’T HAVE PASSIONS? I DON’T LIKE ART THINGS? WHAT DO I MAKE HER FEEL? DEAD? I MEAN COME ON! GIVE ME A BREAK HERE! SOME OF US WERE TOO BUSY PUTTING FOOD IN THE BURROW TO WORK ON OUR POETRY, YOU KNOW?

THIS IS TORTURE. WHAT KIND OF HOTEL DOESN’T HAVE WIFI? AT...

Tue, 19 Mar 2013 15:00:56 +0000

THIS IS TORTURE. WHAT KIND OF HOTEL DOESN’T HAVE WIFI?

AT THIS POINT I’D GLADLY FACEBOOK CHAT WITH MY CRAZY AUNT WHO ALWAYS POSTS MUFFIN RECIPES IF IT MEANT I COULD ALSO CHECK MY EMAIL. THAT’S HOW BAD I WANT THE INTERNET.

FASHION IS FLEETING. STYLE IS SOMETHING THEY CAN NEVER TAKE AWAY...

Tue, 19 Mar 2013 12:01:48 +0000

FASHION IS FLEETING. STYLE IS SOMETHING THEY CAN NEVER TAKE AWAY FROM YOU, AND STYLE IS 80% CONFIDENCE. SO DON’T SECOND GUESS YOURSELF. YOU’VE GOT THIS. YOU OWN THIS LOOK.

PLUS YOU GOT NEW SHOES AND THAT BUMBLE & BUMBLE SURF SPRAY REALLY GIVES YOUR CURLS A NICE LIFT.

NOW GET OUT THERE AND KNOCK ‘EM DEAD.

SINGLE FILE LINE. SINGLE FILE LINE, PLEASE. GOOD MORNING, AND...

Mon, 18 Mar 2013 14:57:06 +0000

SINGLE FILE LINE. SINGLE FILE LINE, PLEASE.

GOOD MORNING, AND WELCOME TO POLAR BOB’S POLAR PLAYPLACE. WE’VE GOT ALL KINDS OF EXCITING FLOES AND SNOW PILES FOR YOUR ENJOYMENT, AS WELL AS OUR RENOWNED COLLECTION OF ICICLE COVERED CAVES. RECENT GLOBAL DEVELOPMENTS HAVE REDUCED THE OVERALL LEVELS OF PERMAFROST REVEALING SOME EXCITING HIDDEN LANDSCAPES WHILE CAUSING PREVIOUS ATTRACTIONS TO BREAK OFF AND SINK INTO THE UNFORGIVING SEA, SO THERE’S ALWAYS SOMETHING NEW FOR YOU AND YOUR LOVED ONES TO ENJOY. AS ALWAYS, POLAR BOB’S POLAR ARCADE WILL ONLY COST YOU FIVE FISH, WHICH IN THESE TRYING ECONOMIC TIMES IS SURELY ONE OF THE BETTER BARGAINS TO BE FOUND IN THIS HEMISPHERE, SO STEP RIGHT UP AND WE’LL GET YOU FROLICKING IN NO TIME.

AGAIN, COULD I GET A SINGLE FILE LINE PLEASE? THANKS SO MUCH.

OH HEY. COME ON IN. GRAB A KETTLEBELL. GET LOOSE. CLASS...

Mon, 18 Mar 2013 12:23:00 +0000

OH HEY. COME ON IN. GRAB A KETTLEBELL. GET LOOSE.

CLASS DOESN’T START FOR ANOTHER 20 MINUTES BUT I LIKE TO GET HERE EARLY AND JUST KIND OF TONE MY CORE, YOU KNOW? GOT TO HIT THAT CORE. IT’S LIKE THEY SAY: “STRONG CORE, STRONG … OTHER STUFF.”

I’M PARAPHRASING, OBVIOUSLY, BUT YOU GET WHAT I MEAN.

ATIAC will return on Monday, March 18th because I (finally)...

Wed, 13 Mar 2013 12:13:19 +0000

ATIAC will return on Monday, March 18th because I (finally) moved to Glasgow and there is a whole lot of anti-jetlag napping, lawfully wedded intercourse, and unpacking that needs to be done. Apologies for the delay. It’s tricky, moving over the ocean.

But hey, I’m finally on the same continent as my wife, for good.

For better or worse, even. In sickness and in health and all that.

See you next week, or rather you’ll see a horse and maybe a llama, and I will see your reblogs and comments, as it was meant to be. As it has always been. As it shall continue into the wild and unknowable future.

Stay gold, pony tumblr. Stay gold.

Love,

Justin (and Natalie)